₦airaland Forum

TheFacelessMan:



My head swelled when you followed Bro Ivar to be honest.

I remember you as an older member of the Wushu Crew. I came late to the party but i have often sat down to read past posts of yours, EponOjuku, MasterChen , Jetleeee et al. You guys weren't just trolls, but intelligent guys (common trait of omoluabis )

Thumbs up for tracking me all the way back to Wushu. I am impressed.

I thought it was only Okoyeebo that was left of the old crew. Maybe you have an alter ego but i know it not.

Electricboy:
I remade one of your stories..hope you like it

*I can vividly recall my experience in the Iraq war as a colonel , as I was on a super jet from Leptis Magna to Baghdad during the operation ivy lightening....*

*As a colonel , I had the fancy of cheap whores in my cabin which had the sole purpose of satisfying my luscious wants during the air flight, after my business ,in an attempt to stretch my legs and work that waist of mine , I stood up and stood just at the entrance of my cabin with my towel on my Waist* ...I noticed , I didn't see any of my men on the jet....while shocked to see men dressed like arabs on board with hideous faces looking with faint smirks.....

Where were the rest of my men ,I thought ?��...
Oh shit....��� my jet had been hijacked, my men don't keep daggers , neither do they wear silk linings.......I quickly noticed one of them trying to remove something from his pocket..at that moment I knew what was up , ���

...within split seconds , I dived Backwards a little bit , I quickly unholstered my 2 Berretta .24 pistols, one in each hand
I said my last prayers and stood up, guns a-blazing....
Of course, the terrorists were taken by surprise and a shout of "ALLAHU ........" the "AKBAR" died in their throats.
I dove like Superman, bullets spraying everywhere. I was so pumped with adrenaline,
i didn't even realize i was screaming as i was pulling the trigger. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Because the pistols were automatics i rapidly finished the magazine and CLICK ! CLICK!
It was when i almost reached the cockpit that i realized that my bullets went everywhere but INTO THE TERRORISTS....

Dead bodies were around me , with some dripping blood still sitted in their chairs like nothing happened....still trying to discern what just happened...the cockpit suddenly burst open..with guns almost pointing my way...
I couldnt die like a coward , I thought.....for I am Ivar the boneless, the great colonel ,the one who single handedly defeated militants in Mali, conquered terrorists in quara tapa.....



To be continued

TheFacelessMan:
Hi so sorry I didn't provide feedback on time.

One silly girl here got jealous and reported me to the MODs. Got banned and many posts deleted.

Your story is arguably more graphic than mine

I would say the violence and the lurid details could have been toned down just a lil.

Try to make it shorter and more concise next time, endeavor not to lose your reader - that's how to sustain your followership.

The moment I close a story, I usually take 10 seconds to quickly go through and trim some of the less necessary elements.


Good job. I would give you a 7/10!

TheFacelessMan:
I remember escaping from Kirikiri Maximum Prisons in 1984.

We were15 on the chain gang, the prison team sent to break down rocks on a quarry in Badagry.

I was down with hard labour...25 to life for yet another murder. FG thought it was the 15th, it was actually the 24th.

The jail warden, Sergeant Okoro, was a bald headed nasty m***fvcker straight from Hell...

3 guys that had planned this escape for weeks - Garba, Obinna and i

6 armed guards were on the 15 of us....we were at least 300 miles from civilization.


In blistering scorching sun, sweat was pouring from our bodies, the salt stinging our eyes as we brought down the sledgehammers again and again.



Garba started coughing violently, the signal for show-time. He was spitting out his lungs practically.

Prison or Tuberculosis, it was a toss up what would kill him first.

Just as the 2nd guard bent over Garba, Okoro with his beady eyes that missed nothing, KNEW something was amiss.

Obinna coming from behind, grabbed the bent over guard by the throat and squeezed …..

His handcuffs sank into the neck of the fat ass guard, there was a fine mist of blood that splashed everywhere.


ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

The prisoners descended on the guards like ants on sugar. 3 prisoners to each guard.

Okoro shouted "KILL THE RATS" and gunshots rang out, blood everywhere, skulls crushed with hammers.


I immediately took off and ran in the direction of the swamps.

I had packed alligator pepper, the extra-strong one Yorubas like into both pockets; stolen over 2 weeks from kitchen duties.

I quickly sprayed it behind, any dog that followed my scent would get a nasty noseful.


I kept hearing screams, wails, gunshots and dogs barking.


15 mins into my lung bursting run close to the river, all fell silent. It was the silence of a graveyard at midnight, eerie and tense.

Panting, i rested against the tree and listened carefully with every single cell of my body.


I heard them faintly doing a head count. The rebellion had been quashed !

I heard shouts and dogs barking ....coming closer and closer....


To be continued. ...

TheFacelessMan:
RIP to this guy. But let me share this.

I remember participating in jungle justice once at Computer Village.

This guy had been accused of stealing an Iphone.

When we searched him, he had a Samsung S9, brand new, with his family pictures.

Yet the crowd insisted on lynching him....


I was relishing keeping his phone. Someone had brought petrol and the bonfire was set


6 guys had surrounded this slender looking guy.


As they advanced towards him, i saw some pictures and shouted : "WAIT!!!!!!!"


Before the words died in my throat,


https://thumbs.gfycat.com/HighlevelFaintJunebug-size_restricted.gif


Attackers 1 and 2 were floating in the air in slow motion



The would-be lynchee was punching - hard and fast.


Attacker number 3 was flat on his back 0.5 second later.


Numbers 4,5 & 6 started a 100m sprint AWAY from the guy.

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/ChiefPopularFrigatebird-size_restricted.gif


His shirt was still snow white when he walked over to me.



"I was keeeeeeeee, keeeeee, keepingggggggg it for you, Sir", I stammered at this boy, at least 8 years younger than me

He stared at me coldly and snatched his phone from my hand.


This was the picture i saw on his phone.....

TheFacelessMan:


Lucky him

Many years back while i was still in Uber business...


I returned a lady's N7 million back and she asked me inside for "coffee" out of appreciation.

I felt i had hit jackpot after smoking the honeypot without a silencer on my bazooka.

I pumped with ALL my strength, not even one drop landed outside.

Someone with 7 million in her purse will have 70 in the bank, right?

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/FearlessPolishedBordercollie-size_restricted.gif

9 months after i got a package from her... not the FedEx/ DHL type


Turns out she was just a salesgirl and didn't own a dime


That's how i got my 3rd babymama

The End

TheFacelessMan:
I was a Uber Driver as far back as 1995

I got a beep on my pager "Risikatu Oni-Ponmo" requesting a ride to UBA, Oshodi"

Whether her yellow skin was factory-fitted or not follow come, that i can't say...

She told me to wait for her when she got to UBA with her friend.


AAAAA>>>>GBAAAAAA>>>GBBBAAAA"

I heard some bangers going off in the bank. Are they celebrating Christmas? Who does that in June?


Next thing I know, Risi was stepping over the front guard who looked up at her and she fired straight into his head.

I frozen in place like a bronze statue in Benin City. My mouth wide open, eyes struggling to pop from the sockets

Just as i sank my keys in ignition after fumbling for the right one....i felt cold steel at my temple....

TheFacelessMan:
Once upon a time...i was a Prince in the Kingdom of Dahomey.

I was seated on my throne one honey on each arm...2 lying on my leopard skin rug....

The skin was real! I killed it myself, don't be doubting me!

My son, the 35th ? Or 36th one ?

I can't remember their numbers, 4 women were claiming they had a package on the way... 0.5 x 4 + 35 = ?



Anyways, back to my story....

The boy was running from the direction of the sea, eyes bulging in their sockets, struggling to contain his excitement just like any 4 year old.

Forgive me now if i can't recall his name, he was Abdul-something. Who memorizes 35+ names by the way?

PAPAAAAA!!!!! He cried out like the cute monkey he was....

Following him closely were my warriors in their full regalia, masks, shields, spears and all...

They had a man in between them, his skin was a WHITE as ours was BLACK.

His eyes were sea blue unlike our brown ones.

The date ? I have forgotten again!

It was sometime in the 18th Century, if memory serves me right.

To be continued .....

TheFacelessMan:


Once upon a time i was a zookeeper in San Diego.

I was whistling to myself, " i am the king of the jungle, lord of the rings" at the top of my voice as i went to feed the chimpanzees in Cage 7. The parrots had joined in, providing a chorus.


Suddenly, i noticed that i was the only one singing.

Every animal had turned silent , you could almost hear a pin drop ! It seemed even the air had paused blowing.

I slowwwwwwllllyyyyyyy turned back , fearful of what i would see...

I had forgotten to lock Cage 9, Kumbaya's cage!



Kumbaya was a giant silverback gorilla at least 400 pounds in weight and 7 feet tall.

He had slowly opened the latch of his cage and he was with me in the corridor, 10 steps from me.... all his sharp pointy teeth on display

The ground trembled and shook as he sprang towards me.... i was transfixed to the spot, 5 seconds and i would die.....

3 seconds..... he was upon me and his 2 huge palms landed on my shoulders...... preparing to tear my throat out

I couldn't bear to look, i closed my eyes.

I could smell his fetid, stinking breath as he opened his jaws..... i silently said my last prayers, soon to rest in peace or pieces ?

And...........and.......

I felt something liquid and hot on my face. BLOOD?! My belly was already jelly!

Trembling like a leaf, collapsing under his weight, i still couldn't open eyes... i just peeked through eyelashes..

Kumbaya was licking my face in appreciation for the song i was singing!!!!


To be continued.....

TheFacelessMan:


I remember using a bomb to save a life or lives?

Mobutu Sese Seko was not the best of leaders...but he was my Boss.

He was the worst kind of tyrant. Bloodthirsty and money-hungry

A revolution happened and soon a mob of 100 had arrived the gates of the Presidential Palace.

They were ready to tear him to pieces, screaming for his blood.


I was the only one standing between him and them.

On my RIGHT, I had Mobutu, his pale face blanched of blood, almost grey, sweating like an Xmas goat.

On the LEFT, i had the baying crowd that was looking more and more out of control by the second...

I had a tough decision to make. The man paying my salary OR the Masses.


I threw the bomb in the direction of......


To be continued.

TheFacelessMan:


I remember killing someone on his birthday.


Samuel Chukwuma had been stealing from the Okoronkwo cartel in South Africa.


The crew was into drugs, not the healing type.



Sam was going to be 30. He had planned a big birthday party in Orlu, his village.



I was 500 meters away looking through my Dragunov sniper rifle perched high up on a palm tree.


I saw some old women in their best native attires, dancing and making some screechy sounds. EEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

Pain or pleasure, God knows what they were feeling, but if that was music, I must be Queen Elizabeth the 2nd


I saw his white Benz jeep drive into the village square.

Samuel dropped from the jeep and as he sprayed money, the noise and frenzy of all the villagers increased.


I calmed my breathing, exhaling and inhaling slowly, taking drawn out breath, looking at his bald head through the scope.


As i started to pull the trigger back, he picked up a cute girl, 5 years old at most


"Oh shiiiit!!!!" I cursed and the rifle tumbled out of my hands.

I heard less than 10 minutes before the Commissioner of Police arrived. He was the special guest of honour.


I descended from the tree in desperation. Skin peeling from my hands, i had no time to lose.


I got down and i knew i had no time to climb up again, i had to do it up close and person.


Panting, i ran from the bush to the clearing in 5 mins flat.


"SAMUEL!!!!", i croaked with a dry throat, and he turned.
....

IvarTheBoneless:


I remember being stuck in one...on a mission in Tokyo.

I was a secret agent trailing Izichiro Kagawa.

He was a traitor selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese.

Why the top echelon of Japanese Intelligence unintelligently chose a Black assassin is a story for another day...


The moment i sneaked into the basement of the Hiroshima Memorial Military Laboratories (HMML) i felt a sense of foreboding.


Just how do i cross 500meters of a heavily guarded lab ? Kagawa's office was straight ahead. No turns.

My make-up was already failing... i was sweating heavily despite the ACs.

Imagine how foundation runs down the faces of these our slayqueens.

I kept my face-cap down and muttered in Yoruba at every single greeting. All you had to do was add "chiwa" and " orensoshi" to the end of each word.

400 m.......250m................70m.........10m.

I made up my mind to use the garotte ( thought through various methods)
He deserved a painful but noiseless death.


He was seated backing the door and alone.... showtime!

He was turning when our eyes met in the mirrors.

I was a terrible sight! I saw a nasty demon staring back at me.

Black showing in big patches under the white make-up. Reverse vitiligo just like Michael Jackson!


He ran towards the nearest cabinet close to these giant ass fridge. He was going for the alarm!


I cut off his route of escape halfway to the alarm, and then....

He slammed the release of the fridge and pushed me inside!

Luckily i grabbed him by the neck as we both fell inside the fridge. The latch closed automatically sealing us in! WTF!

First thing i noticed, my balls were freezing.... next my blood was turning to ice in my veins.....

I knew i had to postpone killing him. I needed his body warm for as long as possible.

We both hugged each other....killer and would-be victim for warmth.....

To be continued!





Fvck! I am late for office, AGAIN!

PLOT TWIST: it's a Regenerator not a Refrigerator +