I am NO ONE.

I am there with you, as formless as air, ever present. Everywhere but nowhere.

These are the tales of a Bravoosi assassin.

All rights reserved...


Lol, it seems i have gotten a fan base in the past 3 days.

PRO TIP : You can read my stories here for background information on my thought processes and inspiration writing the story, but the stories would be better appreciated in the original article with the headline.

Click on the quote, go there and share for your friends














PS- Mods, remember the Bravoosi are ONE and MANY. There are many faces behind the mask

I have been accused of being NwaAmaikpe, FFK, Reno, IvarTheBoneless, IvarTheTerrible and so on. I AM NOT THESE GUYS. This is my first NL account. I only borrowed friend's profiles to write my stories initially till I then decided to join Nairaland…..





I have always fancied myself a novelist.

Vallar Morghulis

I will one day put the motivation for writing my stories here.... too long to write for now....





BUT, here is the thing. As soon as I see an interesting headline, I challenge myself to write up a story in a matter of seconds.

It is very similar to blitz chess for me. I pen out these stories in 30 seconds - 1 minute.

The race to pen something interesting in so short a time is the challenge for me.

I have noticed that the shorter stories are better appreciated, more of my future stories would be shorter


PS - i i have had 3 stories hidden. One was a comedy on tribal marks - a nice one and short. 2nd was PG18. The last one was painful because it was action-packed

IvarTheBoneless:
I was there .... my life flashed before my very eyes.

Trees coming at me ( or I to them ?) at speeds of over 150km/hr

"Is this the end" ? I thought.

I cried out to the pilot but he had slumped in the cockpit....

I quickly dashed to the exit , took what i thought to be a parachute ...

Alas, i was wrong. It turned out to be just an umbrella.

I opened it with the wind whistling like a banshee in the throes of climax, moaning and groaning.


...and then i woke up!

Episode 1. Title = Airborne.

I wish i could write shorter ones like this. You have little room so you have to be REALLY CREATIVE.

IvarTheBoneless:
This exact scenario happened to me...

I was going to see my GF, a bouquet of red roses...thoughts of hot sex on our 2nd anniversary on my mind.

I got sandwiched between 2 burly stern looking guys. One with a long knife scar traversing his rather ugly unshaven face.

5 mins into the trip at a lonely spot, i felt the cold steel of a gun barrel jammed in my side. "Your money or your life" The ever-smiling handsome crook on my right whispered into my ear like a lover would

My life flashed before my very eyes..."who would inherit my dog, Jack?" "Who would fvck Ngozi, my GF on my behalf?"

I was trembling and soaked in sweat, but my mind formed a plan. Foolish, it seemed to me but i recalled the barks of Jack and the moans of Gozi. This gave me a rush of 100% pure adrenaline. "Everything or Nothing it must be!"

I said a quick prayer to my ancestors and faked a sneezing fit. On the 3rd sneeze, i suddenly came to life....In 1 single swift motion, twisted the gunbarrel up with my right hand and slammed an elbow into the windpipe of the handsome guy who held the local made .45

We all heard 2 deafening bangs in succession. A bullet went through the roof of the car and other in the windscreen. Shrapnel from flying glass everywhere must have entered the driver's eyes because he lost control at top speed.

All these took less than 7 seconds....less than it took you to read this story ( if you didn't skip primary school that is)

I turned my attentions to Scarface and...

....

Episode 2 - Title = Valentine Day Massacre.

IvarTheTerrible:
I remember saving a lady in distress in such a manner in 1997.

I was listening to Tupac & Biggie when..... next door I heard " I WILL KILL YOU TODAY" with a baby wailing loudly in the background.

I dashed to their house and slammed my shoulders against the door, breaking the lock. The whole place was turned upside down, furniture everywhere.

As soon as i could adjust my eyes to the dim lighting, i saw the woman cowering in the corner, baby in her arms and

her husband coming out with a gun ...

3 quick steps with my long legs and i flung myself across their small parlour like David De Gea saving a shot.

Several things happened at once - I saw the muzzle flash, heard the deafening bang & felt a hard punch to my chest

Just like an elephant kicked me. I was pushed into the woman's bosom pushing her off-balance.

She held me in her arms with her baby, blood was gushing from my chest..... i was wheezing




I then remembered the saying " If you hear a gunshot, you are not dead"

It turned out that i was lucky, the bullet had entered the metal whisky flask i kept in my breast pocket to drown my sorrows.

I looked up and i saw the murderous look in the husband's eyes....he was reloading.

To be continued


[b]Culled from "The Memoirs of The Faceless Man"

Episode 3 - Title - The Cat with 9 lives.

Had a burst of inspiration, seems I penned 3 good stories that day

IvarTheTerrible:


I remember facing a baying mob in 1992 close to Kalakuta Shrine..

A young lady had stolen baby formula because she was a school drop-out and had no one to rely on

A crowd of 5 unemployed youth were tearing her clothes when i ran to the scene


I jumped in front of her and used my shoulder to block a plank that was destined to flatten her head.

I quickly pulled off my shirt and trousers to cover her nudity when i recalled

my boxers were torn....they weren't my Xmas ones


The boys shouted on me to get out of the way so they would lynch her. I of course refused.

The touts started splashing petrol on us both....i was in my boxers and shivering that cold August morning.


I knew i had to take action or both me and the young lady would arrive Heaven /Hell in the next few seconds

Blood was rushing to my head, my body taut with the adrenaline surge.... i moved forward and headbutted the leader on the bridge of his nose

I pulled the nearest thug to me like i wanted to whisper to him and i grabbed a fistful of his balls and squeezed with all my strength.

The 3rd thug had a wolfish smile on his face, he struck the match and advanced ever so close....

To be continued....


[b]Culled from "The Memoirs of The Faceless Man"

Episode 4 - Title = Jungle Justice

IvarTheTerrible:


This reminds me of how i saved Pastor Joshua in 2003

I saw this young man being flogged by some street urchins popularly called AGBERO or Omo onile at Ojuelegba

If i had arrived 10 seconds later, they would have beaten this bible carrying gentleman to death for being accused of stealing


I begged and bribed those boys, taking "Pastor Joshua" away from the scene.


He told me he would drop 2 blocks away .... 10 mins

Episode 5 …..

This wasn't well appreciated, so I stopped mid-way

IvarTheTerrible:


That reminds me of an encounter i had rescuing someone from an inferno back in the days.

I was quietly smoking my marijuana and blasting Bob Marley's songs ...

when i started smelling what was definitely not weed

Thick smoke was billowing from bellow the door next to mine.

I banged my shoulder into the door, crashing in and my left shoulder turned instantly into half-cooked suya.

I saw this girl lying down, crying weakly, all the curtains and the couches were ablaze

Everything i touched seared my palms so i rushed into the bathroom to look for something wet to douse the fire between us.


I wrapped the girl in the towel and i discovered the entrance was aflame and no way out

I took her in my arms, took a running start and crashed through the window facing the street.

There was a loud WHOOSH and the increase of oxygen made the fire roar louder behind us.

While plunging through the air, i remembered to my dismay that........


WE LIVE ON THE 5TH FLOOR!!!

[img]https://media./images/50d98e7ec2398b81fbc588bea3c3b52e/tenor.gif[/img]


TO BE CONTINUED...


Culled from "The Memoirs of The Faceless Man"

Episode 6 - Title = Dance into the Fire. I like the ending

IvarTheTerrible:


I remember vividly this happened to me one cold September night in Jalingo, Taraba.


I was drunk and driving my old Volkswagen Passat 1997 model when i saw this young lady by the side of the road at midnight.


hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... i screeched to a halt, i must have been doing 100km/hr and reversed to pick her up.

She was the most shapely lady my 30 year old eyes had EVER SEEN. My p3nis agreed silently in my trousers to that assessment


Cut long story short, i gave her a lift and while in the car, i managed to convince her to take a drink at my place before going home...

I went inside to pee and next thing i saw, this big breasted, big bakassied babe was lying spread-eagle on my bed

Blood rushed into my head and other parts too. My brain screamed "NOOO!!!, ILLOGICAL" while

my diick disagreed saying " YES, SEXUAL"

Frozen to a spot, i happened to glance at my bedside mirror and i saw a rather hairy wolf-like beast lying on my bed

I looked at the mirror....looked at her...repeated same and by the 3rd cycle, the wolf in the mirror smiled hungrily at me, licking its lips


I looked at her on the bed and my erection had long departed. She stared deep into my eyes.

That look of awareness, OF KNOWING and began to stand up,....




To be continued

Culled from "The Memoirs of The Faceless Man"

Episode 7- Title = SHE.

I think this is my favourite with the horror elements

IvarTheTerrible:


I don't think i can blame him. I was set up by some policemen in Soweto, South Africa some years back.

I was strolling to Shoprite, just a few mins from my residence.

I heard "HEY YOU" twice behind me. Since my name isn't that and my initials aren't "A.U.", i refused to stop or turn back.

Next thing, i heard running feet behind me and seconds after, felt cold steel behind my back.

Was it the muzzle of a gun? Torch light perhaps? I couldn't dare to confirm

My blood froze and.....

To be continued

Episode 8 - This had zero feedback so I just stopped. The ending would have been action-packed. Might rework it into another story

IvarTheTerrible:


This brings back memories of being a Commodore in the elite corps of the Nigerian Navy Special Boat Service.

We were on NNS Ajuwaya off the coast of Zanzibar when we got a distress signal..

.. from a Nambian merchant ship being attacked by Somali Pirates

It was in a middle of storm so visibility was poor as we climbed on board


We heardd the crash of rapid gun-fire and we knew the Pirates had run out of patience

I quickly emptied most of the magazine of my Heckler Koch into the skinny bodies of 3 of the bad guys

That was when i saw a face we had seen in many secret dossiers, Sarah Aideed Bin Sulimani a.k.a Captain Jaki Siparo,

the most notorious buccaneer cum smuggler. She was a most beautiful amazon but with a black heart.

Shee was coming from below deck with a shiny machete, wiping the blood off it with her sleeves


"Who brings a knife to a gunfight', i asked myself as i aimed at her

I pressed the trigger, once, twice and all i heard was a feeble "PHUUT", "PHUUT".

The smile on my face disappeared pronto! The gun had JAMMED!

Our eyes met and her facial expression could be best described thus : "You are my dinner, tonight"

She started runnning towards me...or trying to because the deck was slippery... there were just 10 steps to cover

10, 9, 8, 7,6 steps..... i had quickly disassembled the magazine and was trying to shake water out of it, trying not to panic


3,2 steps..... and she lunged with her machete raised very high. Destination : my neck, specifically my jugular

1 step...

The waves crashed and she was catapulted into my arms, our lips crushed together and we did this....



I felt her supple body in my arms and we kissed ....salt water mixed with our saliva.

A split second, we were both on an Island alone....a Paradise of our own making....

That was the last moment of pleasure for her because .... i pulled back the safety and pulled the trigger.

Red mist exploded on my face.....

The End.


[b]Culled from "The Memoirs of The Faceless Man"

PS - Fvck! i am late for office

Episode 9 - This has an interesting back -story.

When I started writing, the Captain Jacki Siparo was a man. I couldn't find a good GIF to use but that one so I had to re-work the story.

In addition, I had a very big presentation in front of the Commissioner and bigwigs at the Ministry that morning. I was badly prepared.... already late for work....

Yet I liked the story as it formed in my mind. I had to wait to type it

IvarTheTerrible:


I remember contesting in 1999

I was already 22 and i was participating in the Under-17 contest thanks to my baby face and a clean shave

"Oh yes, i will win the Kia Picanto" i told myself haven practiced with Understanding Mathematics

First person i saw on the Judges' Panel was Pastor Adedeji, my Headmaster in Primary School.

"IVAR!!!" he said. "What are you doing here?" You graduated in 1985

Adedeji decided to disgrace me ....."13 x 13" ? i said 131. "22 x 11" = 243....


The whole audience erupted in laughter and i wished the world could just end.

Culled from "The Memoirs of The Faceless Man"

Episode 10 - one of my less-liked stories. I was surprised to see 40 likes for it. I am not a big fan.

Was off-genre and not-so-funny to me

IvarTheTerrible:


I remember my time with the British SAS when we had a hostage situation with the HEzbollah

These ragtag Arabs with their dirty unkempt beards had 6 hostages held at a school. 4 kids and their 2 teachers.

I was the hostage negotiator. "What do you want? Ibn Rashid?" I asked.

He replied " 5 million dollars and a helicopter or they die"

"5 million USD"? That was the annual budget for education in some niggah African countries.


I couldn't help but burst into laughter HAHAHAHAHAHAH HIHIHIHIHIH HUUUHUHUHU

I rolled on the floor, tears streaming from my eyes till i heard a scream followed by a muffled gunshot

I had made the first mistake in Negotiation 101 - NEVER LAUGH WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE UPPER HAND

I quickly unholstered my 2 Berretta .24 pistols, one in each hand

I said my last prayers and burst into the door, guns a-blazing....

[img]https://i./1Y7w.gif[/img]

Of course, the terrorists were taken by surprise and a shout of "ALLAHU ........" the "AKBAR" died in his throat.

I dove like Superman, bullets spraying everywhere. I was so pumped with adrenaline,

i didn't even realize i was screaming as i was pulling the trigger. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Because the pistols were automatics i rapidly finished the magazine and CLICK ! CLICK!

It was when i landed on the floor that i realized that my bullets went everywhere but INTO THE TERRORISTS

I immediately ran back out of the room. "to live to fight another day"

I typed my resignation letter to the SAS on WhatsApp while running down the stairs, the terrorists in hot pursuit

THE END

Epilogue : My bullets went into the ceiling, into the chairs .....and into the hostages . ALL the kidnappers survived!

Culled from "The Memoirs of The Faceless Man"

Episode 11 - Poor feedback. I liked it personally

KingOfAllIgbos:


That's how i almost died.

Nneka was playing Candy Crush when she saw "I want the honey" in a SMS...

I heard a loud scream while in the shower and dashed out naked and with soap all over my body.....

I saw a meat cleaver in her hand and bloodlust in her eyes , a psychotic look with her face all crazy advancing towards me.

She had covered the 10 metres between us in 5 seconds flat before my brains told my legs to "Vamooze"

"Swoosh".... i heard the blade whistle and my upper left bicep spurted blood.

We circled each other like 2 crazy lovers. I had put a couch between us.

I already sweating under all the soap and battling not to skid and fall on the floor....blood pouring everywhere.....

We heard a brief knock on the door and my Sister said " Obinna, where's the honey i asked for "?

To be continued.....

Episode 12 : This was written a while back.

TheFacelessMan:
I am NO ONE.

I am there with you, as formless as air, ever present. Everywhere but nowhere.

These are the tales of a Bravoosi assassin.

All rights reserved...










PS- Mods, I have offended by using monikers in the past, spare me that offence and I WILL entertain people here. The choice is yours But, remember the Bravoosi are ONE and MANY. There are many faces behind the mask


cc. Hotfreezer, DONADAMS, PearlStreet, nicolasakins,9itewolf, naturalwaves, Rashman578, natznext.


I have always fancied myself a novelist. I would leave the Yoruba-defending for a while

Vallar Morghulis

Blood is thicker than water.
I know who this is. My brother from Wushu temple.

PearlStreet:


Blood is thicker than water.
I know who this is. My brother from Wushu temple.

My head swelled when you followed Bro Ivar to be honest.

I remember you as an older member of the Wushu Crew. I came late to the party but i have often sat down to read past posts of yours, EponOjuku, MasterChen , Jetleeee et al. You guys weren't just trolls, but intelligent guys (common trait of omoluabis )

Thumbs up for tracking me all the way back to Wushu. I am impressed.

I thought it was only Okoyeebo that was left of the old crew. Maybe you have an alter ego but i know it not.

TheFacelessMan:


20 years ago, i was on America's Most Wanted for 13 hits.

My past as a professional gun-for-hire, a hitman had caught up to me.

I was at the counter in a restaurant when i saw something worrying in the mirror

There were 2 fat looking guys sweating profusely even with the A.C. blasting freezing air.

They kept their hands carefully hidden in their jackets.

[img]https://media1./images/4b68a016a1d028abec5743b103e4aeb3/tenor.gif?itemid=7273212[/img]

Episode 13 - zero feedback. Abandoned midway

I love your write-ups.

You're good. Why dont you move this creative piece to literature section where you're guaranteed to have broader readership? Some people come on nairaland solely to read interesting stories like this and they go straight to literature section.

Also, the episodes are incomplete. Please how do i get to read the full episodes?

TheFacelessMan:

The stories are meant to be completed by the imagination of the reader.
The cliffhangers are intentional

Lol this is mean and a lil bit unfair. Habba

TheFacelessMan:


thanks for the suggestions. But something about me. I don't really write as in seriously.

What i am doing is what i call "blitz writing" I see a headline and quickly come up with a story on the spot.

All my stories are written on the fly. I have only reworked a single one.

Wow. Alright then, you have hyperactive imagination; the type great novelists have. I still wish you'll complete the episodes though as i do not like the idea of having to complete them myself; it won't feel real.

TheFacelessMan or IvarTheTerrible, your posts are great by the way. I love the way you come with random stories based on a thread. That's impressive.

TheFacelessMan:


Episode 11 - Poor feedback. I liked it personally

whattt!!!!!

Sir, We would really appreciate it if you could write a story.
U've got all it takes, if I had just a little of your creative aspect..................Nice piece btw, wish it was complete.

TheFacelessMan:


Episode 10 - one of my less-liked stories. I was surprised to see 40 likes for it. I am not a big fan.

Was off-genre and not-so-funny to me

it made me laugh