₦airaland Forum

hopefully:
I need help.

My husband lied to me and thinks I am naive.

We keep a joint account and it was his idea which is not so much of a problem to me. What baffles me is that he likes to have 100% control over my income, when I need to buy stuffs for myself and the kids, he questions it. When I need to give my parents anything, he knows about it and 90% of the time every penny that goes to my people goes through his account just so that they think he is the one responsible for it and same to his family. My parents asked me once that why is everything coming from your husband and you are working? It bothers me a bit but that is how my huaband wants it. My mother asked me for cash last Christmas but my husband declined saying there is no cash and that we already bought them xmas gift and why is she asking for money again.

I am very carefree when it comes to issues like this, he gives people cash at will. He forced me to withdraw 25% of my pension and put over half of it in his account. Out of my pension, he gave out 300k to his friend and I didnt complain but when my parents asks for stuffs he complains to the extent that he recently said they are liabilities. These are people who sent me to school for bsc and masters in UK, gave us 2k dollars when we had our kids. I make more money than him and will not complain. Sometimes he asks me to log into my bank account to see my transactions. He expects me to transfer every penny of my salary to our joint savings account after I take care of my portion of the bills. He is an advocate of telling the truth and transparency but yet I found him wanting.

Of recent he forgot his phone at home and I went through it. His friend asked to loan some cash which he did. When his friend was about to return the money, he asked his friend to use it to buy a tv for his mum in nigeria. Dont get me wrong, I will never ask him not to buy stuffs for his mum infact when his mum makes I demand, I push to wnsure that he gets it for her because I believe every parent suffered on their kids and they need to reap the benefits. But he bought the tv and never mentioned it to me till now. I kept quiet like I didnt know. Of recent, his mum called and mentioned something about delivery of something to her house and I asked him about it, he lied to me and said it was their uncle who bought something for her. Immediately after that conversation, he deleted his whatsapp conversation with his friend not knowing that I already saw it. I have been acting normally, we talk,gist have sex and all and I only think about it when I wake up in the middle of the night. I plan to talk to him about it this weekend but what concerns me is that why do people behave like this, how do I know he hasn't been doing this in a long time while I am 100% truthful to him. He goes through my phone, checks my account and yet he is not sincere. I dont have any cash called mine because he enforces me to put everything in our joint account, even my pension was withdrawn and over half of it in his account and the while cash is gone. I cant go out to but somethig for myself without him approving it orherwise trouble. Of recent my mum came visiting and I bought her powder and foundation of less than 30 dollars and when he saw it in my account, he complained saying that must I buy her stuffs each time we go out?

Am I being a good wife or am I just DUMB?

Please help!

LilMissFavvy:
Lord pls give me intelligent daughters.....Amen. Such a pity that a father and mother would train their girl child, only for her to place a tricky husband above her parents.

MMotimo:
As someone who shares all accounts with my husband, I can tell you that it would be hard to make it work with a controlling spouse. Sharing works but that is when there is perfect transparency , trust and major cohesiveness when it comes to big spending. It is not a matter of compulsion or being authoritarian, each person gets their one 50% vote, regardless of how much they contribute or even if they don’t have a job.

A friend stopped sharing with her husband because of his controlling ways, she volunteered that to me herself. If one partner is domineering then maybe sharing is not a good idea because it is going to lead to stress and fights. If he doesn’t have the login information to online banking, sounds like you’re not completely comfortable with him yourself. In sharing, each person has full access (including passwords) at all times. It sounds like you’re both not a 100% committed to this sharing idea and that’s not a crime, try something else.

Incidentally, with most of the joint account couples I know, the woman manages the money and the man earns more. Maybe it takes more trust for a man to share with a woman rather than vice versa, I do not know but that’s what I have observed. It sounds like he does not trust you to manage money (I’m not accusing you of anything here) and if that’s the way he sees the situation, all the more reason to shelve the joint thing for now until you can both agree on how to move forward. Joint accounts, realistically, from my unscientific observation, don’t work for most Naija marriages. It’s either someone is spending too much on their own relatives , diving into sketchy business deals, making questionable investments, overspending , maintaining an unaffordable asoebi lifestyle, has a side chic/guy, etc

I would not call you dumb, I would just say maybe you’re trying do something with someone of a different mindset so it’s not working out. It’s not compulsory to share. It’s obvious you are very resentful about how things are being done and he’s lying about transactions so why suffer? If it’s not working, try something else. Having peace in your marriage is more important than sharing accounts when you’re not on the same page. Joint accounts require unity of purpose. For me, the idea makes it easy to plan and to manage the finances because it’s all one pot, one for all and all for one. We swim or sink together, each person knows what our assets are and knows where all the skeletons are buried.

Breaststroke:
This cracked me up so bad I am still laughing & smiling as I type. For real you've made my day, thank you!

@ OP/Topic,

I feel sad for you because from the outside it looks to me like, hubby is using you and making a fool of you. I am working towards a Masters degree and every time I see the school fees my heart grows faint.

Your parents deserve better than what you are doing, for the simple fact that they funded your education up to Masters level (you know they didn't have to but they did) in addition to that, they gave you 2k dollars or was it pounds when you delivered a baby.

Where do you ladies meet men like these? Manipulative, controlling and insecure men! I jump and pass o! That is how one idioot (my male classmate) told me that if I meet potential suitors for marriage I should downplay my family background and the fact that I had a privileged childhood, so I don't scare men away.

I cursed the living day lights out of him, blocked him, then cut him out of my life. If saying the truth and praising parents for all the good things they did is an issue, then I don't have room for you in my life. Sorry I digress, I agree with those who say the joint account business needs to stop and you really need to do better by your parents, pls.

Mariangeles:
As in...
My heart is totally SHATTERED from reading her story!
I'm ashamed of her for her parents !

Mariangeles:
How annoying ...
No matter how much of herself a woman gives, it will never be enough for them !

Fountainofyouth:
Joint account, never advisable, always the beginning of the end for couples,sad.

hopefully:
Please help!

bukatyne:


You are right @ the Nigerian thingy.

When I tell people (on a need to know basis) that we pull all resources in one pot, they become very uneasy with all sort of questions.

AntiBrutus:
I am surprised some posters haven't commented on this thread. Probably going their own way...

Fountainofyouth:
Joint account, never advisable, always the beginning of the end for couples,sad.

MMotimo:
They become uneasy because our Naija minds are instinctively drawn to the worst case scenarios (poisoning, hired killers, second wife, kids outside wedlock, etc) and no matter how much we love we still believe there should be a line when it comes to money. In fact, money equals life, joint accounts sound like giving someone the power of life and death over you

hopefully:
I need help.

My husband lied to me and thinks I am naive.

We keep a joint account and it was his idea which is not so much of a problem to me. What baffles me is that he likes to have 100% control over my income, when I need to buy stuffs for myself and the kids, he questions it. When I need to give my parents anything, he knows about it and 90% of the time every penny that goes to my people goes through his account just so that they think he is the one responsible for it and same to his family. My parents asked me once that why is everything coming from your husband and you are working? It bothers me a bit but that is how my huaband wants it. My mother asked me for cash last Christmas but my husband declined saying there is no cash and that we already bought them xmas gift and why is she asking for money again.

I am very carefree when it comes to issues like this, he gives people cash at will. He forced me to withdraw 25% of my pension and put over half of it in his account. Out of my pension, he gave out 300k to his friend and I didnt complain but when my parents asks for stuffs he complains to the extent that he recently said they are liabilities. These are people who sent me to school for bsc and masters in UK, gave us 2k dollars when we had our kids. I make more money than him and will not complain. Sometimes he asks me to log into my bank account to see my transactions. He expects me to transfer every penny of my salary to our joint savings account after I take care of my portion of the bills. He is an advocate of telling the truth and transparency but yet I found him wanting.

Of recent he forgot his phone at home and I went through it. His friend asked to loan some cash which he did. When his friend was about to return the money, he asked his friend to use it to buy a tv for his mum in nigeria. Dont get me wrong, I will never ask him not to buy stuffs for his mum infact when his mum makes I demand, I push to wnsure that he gets it for her because I believe every parent suffered on their kids and they need to reap the benefits. But he bought the tv and never mentioned it to me till now. I kept quiet like I didnt know. Of recent, his mum called and mentioned something about delivery of something to her house and I asked him about it, he lied to me and said it was their uncle who bought something for her. Immediately after that conversation, he deleted his whatsapp conversation with his friend not knowing that I already saw it. I have been acting normally, we talk,gist have sex and all and I only think about it when I wake up in the middle of the night. I plan to talk to him about it this weekend but what concerns me is that why do people behave like this, how do I know he hasn't been doing this in a long time while I am 100% truthful to him. He goes through my phone, checks my account and yet he is not sincere. I dont have any cash called mine because he enforces me to put everything in our joint account, even my pension was withdrawn and over half of it in his account and the while cash is gone. I cant go out to but somethig for myself without him approving it orherwise trouble. Of recent my mum came visiting and I bought her powder and foundation of less than 30 dollars and when he saw it in my account, he complained saying that must I buy her stuffs each time we go out?

Am I being a good wife or am I just DUMB?

Please help!

LilMissFavvy:
Lord pls give me intelligent daughters.....Amen. Such a pity that a father and mother would train their girl child, only for her to place a tricky husband above her parents.

Acidosis:
This your post is disturbing. We lose track of issues the moment we begin to compare husband or wife with parents. We don't have to place anyone above the other whether a spouse is tricky or awesome. We should rather put people in their rightful the right 'place'.

Whether the husband/wife is good or bad, no parent should dictate how a married child or child in-law should spend his or her money. It doesn't matter whether the child was trained in Harvard or ABU.

@OP, that being said, women need to apply wisdom in marriage. Standing up for what is rightfully yours shouldn't be a matter of how learned you are. My advice to any woman in your shoes, whether literate, rich, poor or uneducated, is never to give your trust to those who do not deserve it. No one should act as a dictator when it comes to spending the rewards of your labour, and that includes your husband and parents.

It is not a matter of girl-child! Men have been going to school, working and training up spouses and children for centuries without issues. The only issue is, you're a woman and a wife! You're not the sole provider in your home! As far as your finance is concerned, "advice" is the only input your husband can give. And 'advice' is the last thing to take from a liar and a perpetual hypocrite.

LilMissFavvy:
It's unfortunate you haven't made a point. You mentioned that no one should be placed above the other, which I am not against. My only emphasis was why anyone would place someone who manipulates/oppresses her finances above her parents. If he wasn't a manipulator I'd never make the above statement. A husband does not love love his in-laws to the extent of manipulating his wife against helping them freely even when she earns well, and can afford it. He rather throws her resources around forming to be the owner. If you see nothing wrong with the OPs post, pls pray to have children who will be married into similar circumstances. I was done with the thread, kindly drop your views, and ignore mine. I am not inexperienced, I got in-laws, I see how people relate. I would appreciate you stop mentioning me.

Acidosis:
The bold is my point, thanks. You can make your point without the everyday parent-spouse comparison.

And it's funny how you expect a silence from me while asking me to pray for children in similar circumstances. Well, sorry to disappoint you, I don't walk into problems hoping and praying for solutions. I avoid them outrightly.

And by the way, your experience on this matter is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. If you cannot give the same point if OP was raised in OSU by a struggling parent, then it is irrelevant.

cococandy:
It’s because money in naija is such a big deal to us and very hard to come by. if you look at situations around us, everyone understands why. At least that’s what I think.
Me in naija would be very very extremely wary of giving another person totally control over all of my income without being sure they are on the same page with me with their own income as well.

But me here would not think twice about it. Knowing that if I lose everything, I’ll just cut off the source of loss and in no time I’ll make the money all over again.