₦airaland Forum

MEGA4BILLION:
The moment a man marries, his children and wife becomes his primary assignment to protect while his siblings becomes secondary, until a man come in terms with this, he can't run a good home

MEGA4BILLION:
The moment a man marries, his children and wife becomes his primary assignment to protect while his siblings becomes secondary, until a man come in terms with this, he can't run a good home

TonyeBarcanista:
I don't expect her to say FULL TRUTH because humans are fond of saying half truths to make them appear as oppressed and garner public sympathy. I know that her in-laws aren't mad people to be taking gifts when she didn't err.

What did she do? What has she done? What is the recurring issue? Saying it is envy is the most FOOLISH assumption! Why should her SIL envy her? Is she their mate? Is she the one feeding their brother? Use your brain


You can go hit your head on the wall if you are pained by that assertion!

Only those that don't know manipulating style of women will fall for this nonsense nag

BTW Are you married?

TonyeBarcanista:
Efe, we are not discussing general family issue but the issue of this OP.

However, lemme tell you, a man MUST have an independent mind once he becomes of age, and at same time show love and kindness to his BLOOD.

The moment I left my father's house was the moment I saw myself as an independent mind. I don't seek permission from anyone to take my own decision. This is true with most men.

The problem is that some of these wives expect their husbands people to "back off" from their audio homes the moment they become Mrs to the man. They see the man's people, their new family, as intruders. They don't even want their man to extend the care he shows them at home to his own BLOOD especially if the man is successful even when it doesn't affect smooth running of the home. Most of them don't even want to see Mama in the house of her son!

On the other hand, some of these in-laws (especially females) always want to ensure that their brother do more for them that he does to his wife. Some are monitoring spirit. Some refused to see the wife as wife, sister and daughter, but they see her with the lens of an outsider that has come to reap where she did not sow.

You see, most times the issue is two-way and as a man you have to handle all issues in their own merit. But sadly, both groups expect the man to "stand by them" against the other at such times.

Amanee:
How have you been dealing with it for the past ten years?


Continue in the same way

Anifaza:
Please pardon me for using a new moniker as I am quite known here.

Friends and family, I really need your sincere and matured input on this matter.

I have been married for over 10 years with 4 kids. My hubby is a great guy save for this area that we will never agree.
 
 I have sisters-in-law who have vowed never to give me peace despite all my efforts to give peace a chance.  Most of them are all older than him and sort of influences his decision that affects my marriage greatly.

From the beginning, it has been if I am in their good books, my marriage will work and I will be happy, then if not, reverse will be the case.

My husband has refused to see all their manipulations and always tell me that he grew up with them and so he is indebted to them. I have never tried to cause a separation between them but they usually see me as an intruder to their unity.

For these 10 years plus, it has always been the issue,  I have begged, used gifts,  apologised ,sought for forgiveness from them  for sins I have not committed just for peace to reign yet, the next problem will be bigger than the previous.

Some are married while some are not. The worst that affect me most is the married ones with children.

Now, they all don't talk to me and this is affecting my marriage. Hubby gives me cold shoulders, no sex asking me to mend the relationship with his sisters  of which I am fed up with the whole thing and I don't want to beg again.

My mind is made up that everyone should stay on their own. Hubby is the only male, seems to be the only one doing well  and parents are no more
 
Please what do I do?

Mods front page please for more inputs.

Updated

Thanks for your input. I truly appreciate. It all started in my ist year of marriage when I had my baby and still in school. My mum came to look after baby and few months later, I took in again of which I left baby with mum while I continued schooling.

They accused my hubby of allowing my mother to be the only one taking care of baby and not them. That in their tradition, mothers of wife have no say and influence in family affairs. This was a major issue and still is. While in my culture, nothing of such as we see nothing wrong here. They disrespect my mother till date because of this. I have caught one twice giving my mother bad eye.

2ndly, a distant relative came with high risk pregnancy with fibroid and I asked she comes to seek medical help and go back, when she came, it was war in my house that it is forbidden in their culture for a pregnant woman to come to another man's house which she's not pregnant for. She later left but loads of issues after this.

My in-laws come anytime even with their children .Every other week and weekend is in my house.
My husband will not take us out unless they are around.

Hubby's lil sis but older than me lived with me for 5 years and that's where the whole wahala persisted with her giving information. I began to see their collaboration through her and frustrated me to the very letter.

We had a fight and hubby asked her to leave. They all ganged up not to talk to me or hubby again which hubby is feeling alienated.
Hubby said his position is threatened in his family and I am the cause. I took care of his older sister who had complication in her surgery for 6 months in my house, non of them came to visit her in my house nor call me. Rather , She got well and told others that I didn't give her food that was why when one called her and she said she was in a restaurant to eat. Hubby and I had issue on this.

I am so fed up . I work and I contribute significantly in the family.
They see me as the one who eats their brother's money alone.
Hubby takes great financial care of them. I am just tired.

TonyeBarcanista:
Efe, we are not discussing general family issue but the issue of this OP.

However, lemme tell you, a man MUST have an independent mind once he becomes of age, and at same time show love and kindness to his BLOOD.

The moment I left my father's house was the moment I saw myself as an independent mind. I don't seek permission from anyone to take my own decision. This is true with most men.

The problem is that some of these wives expect their husbands people to "back off" from their audio homes the moment they become Mrs to the man. They see the man's people, their new family, as intruders. They don't even want their man to extend the care he shows them at home to his own BLOOD especially if the man is successful even when it doesn't affect smooth running of the home. Most of them don't even want to see Mama in the house of her son!

On the other hand, some of these in-laws (especially females) always want to ensure that their brother do more for them that he does to his wife. Some are monitoring spirit. Some refused to see the wife as wife, sister and daughter, but they see her with the lens of an outsider that has come to reap where she did not sow.

You see, most times the issue is two-way and as a man you have to handle all issues in their own merit. But sadly, both groups expect the man to "stand by them" against the other at such times.

NoToPile:
I just had to quote this looool, I also assume same sometimes.

Fountainofyouth:
Did you not see where she said she tried making peace with them by giving gifts etc? She tried everything she could to be the better person but they gave her cold shoulder, just because he's the only son and the most successful, did you not see that? Don't you think they envy the fact that she the wife is benefiting from the riches? If she is alienating the husband from them, will the husband join in the cold shoulder and with holding sex like a child? Doesn't that show immaturity in his part?

You see one thing with some so called men here, in their quest to sound unbiased and intelligent, they just couldn't help the fact that supporting the man is their sole aim, regardless of what is glaring, then if they can't avoid blaming the man, the come up with their famous words "we don't know the fact or the whole story" SMH!!!

ZIMDRILL:
its not a Nigerian thing only but a common bad culture among universal african customs whereby elders by birth think there are wiser than anyone younger than them and the young one tend to follow every bark by the so called elder

this woman's husband is the young who look up too much to his elders sister without realising that he is also damaging his own marriage

Abusive elders are not partial but dictators by virtue of being of just being an elder by birth

ZIMDRILL:
guide her to which right track? based on what she said it is the sister-in-law manipulating the husband

remember the dislike of the mum started the moment she stepped in to help her daughter so from there she was disliked so whatever she said to her daughter as guidance would be said she is interfering with marriage

Adedayobusayo12:
No problem marrying his family but if his family acts like mad people I will not hesitate to dump them like a piece of shit which they are. Cos even if my sibling misbehave I will do same. I can't throwaway my life or feelings cos I married from a jobless family. You go come chop my pepper and salt come dey gimme problem,nah you won't try that. Wetin I go do sef your brother go fear.

As I was saying , single ladies runnnn from mummy's boy or sister's boy, runnnnn. Especially jobless sisters who will have time to pick on you after draining your husband.

TonyeBarcanista:
Mr Married man, stop misquoting the Bible.

What that passage mean is that the man will start taking responsibilities and raising family with his wife to continue lineage. It didn't say man should be divorced from his family. Or did Solomon separate from David at marriage? Did Isaac separate from Abraham?

Meanwhile, same Bible says "follow peace with ALL men", it also says "love your enemies"

Efewestern:
The bad wives I was talking about, they just want everything to themselves, some even spend heavily on their family, but will cause third world war should the man spend little on his family.

I have always maintained that a man should be a little bit discreet in his spending, especially to family. The idea of telling madam everything is a big NO to me, my duty is to provide for her and the kids and not her telling me what and what to do for those who made me, ME.

Unfortunately, the topic on ground isn't about bad wives, but bad SIL



That's where the man's maturity comes him, he should be able to draw the line and not letting them (sisters) go away with everything thing they do, like in the case of OP.



That's why it's very important to marry a woman that has a good relationship with your family, issues like this can reduce the life span of a man.

Anifaza:
Please pardon me for using a new moniker as I am quite known here.

Friends and family, I really need your sincere and matured input on this matter.

I have been married for over 10 years with 4 kids. My hubby is a great guy save for this area that we will never agree.
 
 I have sisters-in-law who have vowed never to give me peace despite all my efforts to give peace a chance.  Most of them are all older than him and sort of influences his decision that affects my marriage greatly.

From the beginning, it has been if I am in their good books, my marriage will work and I will be happy, then if not, reverse will be the case.

My husband has refused to see all their manipulations and always tell me that he grew up with them and so he is indebted to them. I have never tried to cause a separation between them but they usually see me as an intruder to their unity.

For these 10 years plus, it has always been the issue,  I have begged, used gifts,  apologised ,sought for forgiveness from them  for sins I have not committed just for peace to reign yet, the next problem will be bigger than the previous.

Some are married while some are not. The worst that affect me most is the married ones with children.

Now, they all don't talk to me and this is affecting my marriage. Hubby gives me cold shoulders, no sex asking me to mend the relationship with his sisters  of which I am fed up with the whole thing and I don't want to beg again.

My mind is made up that everyone should stay on their own. Hubby is the only male, seems to be the only one doing well  and parents are no more
 
Please what do I do?

Mods front page please for more inputs.

Updated

Thanks for your input. I truly appreciate. It all started in my ist year of marriage when I had my baby and still in school. My mum came to look after baby and few months later, I took in again of which I left baby with mum while I continued schooling.

They accused my hubby of allowing my mother to be the only one taking care of baby and not them. That in their tradition, mothers of wife have no say and influence in family affairs. This was a major issue and still is. While in my culture, nothing of such as we see nothing wrong here. They disrespect my mother till date because of this. I have caught one twice giving my mother bad eye.

2ndly, a distant relative came with high risk pregnancy with fibroid and I asked she comes to seek medical help and go back, when she came, it was war in my house that it is forbidden in their culture for a pregnant woman to come to another man's house which she's not pregnant for. She later left but loads of issues after this.

My in-laws come anytime even with their children .Every other week and weekend is in my house.
My husband will not take us out unless they are around.

Hubby's lil sis but older than me lived with me for 5 years and that's where the whole wahala persisted with her giving information. I began to see their collaboration through her and frustrated me to the very letter.

We had a fight and hubby asked her to leave. They all ganged up not to talk to me or hubby again which hubby is feeling alienated.
Hubby said his position is threatened in his family and I am the cause. I took care of his older sister who had complication in her surgery for 6 months in my house, non of them came to visit her in my house nor call me. Rather , She got well and told others that I didn't give her food that was why when one called her and she said she was in a restaurant to eat. Hubby and I had issue on this.

I am so fed up . I work and I contribute significantly in the family.
They see me as the one who eats their brother's money alone.
Hubby takes great financial care of them. I am just tired.

Efewestern:
The bad wives I was talking about, they just want everything to themselves, some even spend heavily on their family, but will cause third world war should the man spend little on his family.

I have always maintained that a man should be a little bit discreet in his spending, especially to family. The idea of telling madam everything is a big NO to me, my duty is to provide for her and the kids and not her telling me what and what to do for those who made me, ME.

Unfortunately, the topic on ground isn't about bad wives, but bad SIL



That's where the man's maturity comes him, he should be able to draw the line and not letting them (sisters) go away with everything thing they do, like in the case of OP.



That's why it's very important to marry a woman that has a good relationship with your family, issues like this can reduce the life span of a man.

Fountainofyouth:
What a manboy your husband is, how can his sisters have so much influence on him? Not even his mother? SMH!!! Ignore all of them, you don't need anyone's validation to exist in life, not even your husband, if he continues to side his sisters, pretend he doesn't exist and focus on your children.

queenitee:
Yes you are right, some women do. But why do you assume it’s the same with the Op since we are not talking about women generally but the Op? Why have you refused to give her the benefit of doubts? Because you clearly said “Some” yourself, showing not all. Why is the Op not part of those that are good?

queenitee:
I have been reading your replies all along and shaking my head. You have no idea on nothing and you remind me of a post I saw yesterday, “Before you argue with someone, ask yourself is that person is mentally stable enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives, because if not, there’s absolutely no point.” That post is for you, you simply can’t grab the concept of different perspectives.

Besides, are you sure everything is actually well with your own marriage? Instead of asking if people are married or if everything is well with their marriage, the question is for you. You are not ready to give the Op the benefit of doubt and like you judge people from their replies I should be able to judge your marriage also. Are you sure your wife isn’t trying to separate you from your family also? Since that’s basically all women do? And I hope you seek consent from your family before having s*x with your wife since they have been your adviser since you were a baby? See the Bible even said “a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife,” that also goes for the wife. If humans are wrong, is the Bible equally wrong?. Though I’m not saying either party’s family has to totally leave their family cos family is everything yet they have to leave such that their input becomes secondary and you and your wife has to decide if to follow their input or not. Their input becomes minimal when you get married because you are about creating your own family also. Even what works in the family you came from might not work in the family you are trying to create for yourself, they are not the rulers of your home. After you, your wife should be the one who can take decisions about your home after you, not your family. The same way you don’t want your wife running to her family for any small thing or advise is the same way you should be sure to make sure yours also has a limit to the way they interfere in your marriage. Or is it that your wife do not have a family or her family has not been for there for her? Marriage isn’t for the husband alone, it’s equally for the wife. Marriage is between two people and not just a person or three or more people but just “two individuals.” Any other person’s input is minimal and should be discussed by the two people involved in the marriage before it is been act upon.

Yes, the op might be lying but why don’t we give people the benefit of doubt? Do you think people can’t hate others without reason? So what if her husband’s family didn’t like her even while he was dating her maybe because of her job or fashion sender or anything? Do I need to tell you they would do all they can to frustrate her so she can leave their brother. Yes I agree it’s her job to make them like her but then it doesn’t come easy like that and while at it, she should not forget to respect herself. And Mr a man needs to respect his wife, when you respect your wife, your family will. You need to respect your wife, the way you place your wife is the way your family will equally place her.

Uncle Please learn to grasp the concept to different perspectives, you are not always right and again being able to see things in different perspectives will open your eyes to different opportunities and that way you would grow.

Good morning

TonyeBarcanista:
I don't expect her to say FULL TRUTH because humans are fond of saying half truths to make them appear as oppressed and garner public sympathy. I know that her in-laws aren't mad people to be taking gifts when she didn't err.

What did she do? What has she done? What is the recurring issue? Saying it is envy is the most FOOLISH assumption! Why should her SIL envy her? Is she their mate? Is she the one feeding their brother? Use your brain


You can go hit your head on the wall if you are pained by that assertion!

Only those that don't know manipulating style of women will fall for this nonsense nag

BTW Are you married?

jagojunior:
If by reading about how she took the baby to her mother which they kicked against quoting cultural variation as the beginning of the problem was missed by you, then your advice won't help her here.

During my Traditional Marriage, my wife was explicitly told by her people that she belongs to my family and our culture is now her culture (of course it's an inter-tribal marriage). That advice has been helping her a great deal since we got married especially when it's an issue that has to do with culture.

From the OP narrative, the decision to take the baby to stay with her mother (i.e. her family) was strictly hers. This means she pulled the trigger, drew the 1st blood that started all the shit. By doing that alone showed that she was coming to battle the family and assert herself over the husband and his family.

Secondly, the OP is over 10yrs in marriage and according to her, the problem started after the birth of her 1st baby. By my calculation, probably the 1st year of her marriage. Ask yourself this, how did she resolve that little incident with the husband and his family? For the husband to always direct the OP to settle things with the sisters shows that he isn't ready to take side; which by my judgement is a good thing because they're all ONE BIG FAMILY

The OP didn't complain that the sisters hated her before she got married (another vital point to note). Something got broken along the line and it's a good thing that she already knows the origin of her crisis.

I want to believe that the husband is trying his best to bring unity to the family. The evidence is all written in his decision to wait for the sisters' family before taking his family and them out; going out together is a way of promoting unity, and secondly, his insistence on the wife working things out with his sisters. Do you think that there are no excesses from the wife's own family that the husband is overlooking for peace to reign? The pointer to that question is that the OP didn't complain for once if there's any friction between the husband and her own family. The wife should draw her strength from there and use him as a model for herself.

The OP knows the whole truth about her situation. Let her work on herself first, then she can join forces with the husband to fix the family.

The sequence to solving the problem should be:
1. OP dealing with her excesses
2. OP joining forces with the husband
3. Both fixing the sisters excesses

MEGA4BILLION:
Your husband is still immature to be the man of the family. The problem isn't you but your husband, he is not incharge of his family. For a better advice, can you highlight some of these problems between you and your sisters-in-laws.

folks4luv:
If you don't believe some in-laws, especially female ones could make the life their brother's life hell without justifiable reason, then you havent seen the other side of life. The woman obviously cant be perfect in the marriage, we all are, but there are inlaws that hate on the wife out of pure envy for no other reason than 'na she dey chop our brother's money' even in cases where it is the wife covering the man financially. Seen this happened first hand.

ImaIma1:
Your husband is the problem. He cannot throw you to the dogs (his sisters). He needs to protect you from their fangs. If he cannot condition how they treat you with the way he himself treats you, there's really nothing you can do.

midnighter:
I dont understand that part. Is it that the mum came for omugwo or that she went and dropped the baby with the mum without informing the in-laws

YelloweWest:
Of all the people u mentioned, which of them are attached to their sister like the op husband?

What is wrong is wrong pls! Stop supporting nonsense. It does not make sense for a man to be influenced by his siblings when his immediate family is at the receive end of their decision.

The op is kind sef, if it were me, it's either his sisters leave or I carry my children and leave for him to marry his sisters. What Rubbish!

I'm a woman, I'm married, I have a RICH brother who is married too. I can't even show up at his gate without calling. I'm a guest in that house! I can never try to bring division between my brother and his wife.

Of the 15 years I've been married I've lived with my sister inlaw for 13 years PEACEFUL!! So I'm in a good position to advise the op. My sister inlaw is even older than my husband but she is humble and understands that even though she was there before I came in, the home is MINE! We are not rivals, not 2 wives fighting for 1one man.

She dare not try this rubbish the op explained or else she's out if MY HOUSE! You know why I can wield this strength? I'm married to a MAN not a mama's boy!

Because of the boundaries set by my husband, I've never had any problems what so ever with is 8 siblings. By the way, my husband is the bread winner of the extended family... He supports them financially and I encourage him.

For a home to be peaceful, the man must set up and be a man!

ImaIma1:
Taking her child to stay with her mum is not wrong as long as her husband was in agreement. That's what matters. Every other third party complaint or grievance is background noise.

TonyeBarcanista:
You want him to stand up to his sisters and at same time expect amicable solution? Jesus!

And yes, the husband has a loving family that is as important as life itself. The wife has to blend by making peace with her husband's siblings. There is no ambiguity here!

I am saying this because I have loving family, I will never separate from my family because I married someone. She should be seeking true reconciliation with her SILs instead of seeking her husband "support".

TonyeBarcanista:
You want him to stand up to his sisters and at same time expect amicable solution? Jesus!

And yes, the husband has a loving family that is as important as life itself. The wife has to blend by making peace with her husband's siblings. There is no ambiguity here!

I am saying this because I have loving family, I will never separate from my family because I married someone. She should be seeking true reconciliation with her SILs instead of seeking her husband "support".