Hello Nairalanders.
I have been following the forum and have seen how problems are shared.

I need advice for this and please from matured married people on this forum. This will be lengthy but please read to the end.

I am married for ten years now going to eleven and I will say all this year's, Hubby has been my best friend and closest ally.

We got married when we were in the University and I would say it has been beautiful . Of course we have had the normal quarrels in our relationship. But it has never gotten out of hand. We settle it just the two of us without family interference.
My husband is very supportive and very loving and I have been told by different people that I am lucky to have a husband like him and I totally agree with them.

Fast forward to years after our marriage, I suffered three miscarriages which the last one was bad. And my husband has been supportive all the way. Even though I have not been able to carry all pregnancy full term and we don't have children of our own I have never had course to doubt his love for me.

Two years back, I started getting text messages and strange calls form unknown numbers telling me my husband was seeing another lady. I didn't allow that bother me because I never believed them until his close friend went and informed my family about it.
My family kept it a secret from me and they didn't let my husband know. But they carried out their investigations and it happened to be true. Still no of them told me. They were afraid of what that kind of revelation would cause to our marriage.

I also noticed that my husband was no longer the happy and lively man he used to be. He was getting lean and older than his age of 40. He was looking drained. He still showed love and affection but I knew he was not happy. And if I ask, he keeps saying he is going through a process and it's nothing.


But it wasn't long I got to know, not from my family but from a sister to that same friend of his.
I never for once saw anything incriminating in his phone. So I decided to ask him. Coupled with all the strange messages and calls i was getting and that he was aware of.

I was given the name and every detail of the girl from his friend sister. So I confronted him with that.
He broke down and admitted to it and also told me he didn't like what he was doing and wanted to stop but the girl keeps telling him she will come to the house and make sure I get to know if he stops picking her calls and seeing her.
So he was between the red blue sea and the devil.

I was devastated because I love and trust him with all I have.
He knelt down and wept and he was begging me not to leave him but help him.

He explained that was the reason for his sadness and he really regrets everything and didn't know what he started the affair.
The girl in question was introduced to him by that same friend that went and told my family about his affair.
Even at that point , my family never told me anything.
I left the house with some of my things because the wouldn't let me take everything, with pain and went to my family house.
After telling my mom and elder brothers, I was advised to go back to my house and settle with him. That he is a good man that made a mistake. My elder brothers took me back to his own family house and met with my father in law and all that was settled.
The relationship with the lady ended for it was already shaky at that time. And she called him again when he was trying to settle his home. Telling him if she doesn't see him she is coming to his house because he has been avoiding her. His phone was on speaker and I heard it myself. So he told her she is free to come because his worst fear has happened. That she has no hold over him again and that his wife knows everything now. She immediately ended the call.

I went back home and he has been remorseful and doing everything to make me happy again and to show me how sorry he is.

Early this year, same lady sent him a text to tell him that, when he ended the relationship with her, she was already pregnant for him and she has put to bed a baby boy. And the child is his. This was March this year.

Another drama started.

According to her, she had the baby last year 2018 November and the child is a year now. Her affair with my husband lasted for six months and ended early 2018.

My husband has not seen the child except the picture she posted on Facebook of her and the baby and she has gone ahead to change her profile on Facebook bearing the name of my husband.

Since the news of her having a child for him came, I have been really really sad and hubby has been trying all he can to salvage the situation but I am still not happy.
He has not contacted her and has refused picking her calls or going to see the child and the child by calculating when she said she had him, is a year already.

Now my pan is I have tried to accept this and has even told hubby to go see the child and take responsibility. But he said he is not ready.
Deep down inside me, I don't think I can love this child as my own. Am I a devil for feeling this way?
And i have alot of trust issue going on now in as much as hubby makes sure I am in the know of everything.
He has refused to see the child and I don't want the child growing up to feel his father is irresponsible.
How do hubby i get to know this child more and take care of his needs without having the mother come too close to my home?

The lady in question already has three kids for another man who didn't marry her before hubby met her. But hubby didn't know even when he was with her. He got to know after the whole affair ended.

Although she is more younger than hubby and I. She is In her late twenties.
I am 36 and hubby is 40.

Please your advice are welcome. Married.and matured people here, I will be following. Thank you all for your patience in reading this.

That your husband cheated for months is one thing but that he refuses to take responsibility is another. He should be ashamed of himself.
You don't have to love your child as your own, the boy has a mother and a father but the fact that you think about the child's well-being shows what a good heart you have. I am sorry you are put through all of this. You deserve much better.

Always remember that the child is innocent in all of this and be kind. Don't ever let any resentment be part of your attitude towards the child. All blame is on your husband. That's all.

Let your hubby go and see the child.He might need to do a DNA if he really cannot confirm if the child is his by appearance.

Do you still want this marriage?You have a choice if you can forgive your hubby and try to make amends or you want to leave.
You do not need to play any role in the child's life and the child DOES NOT have to live with you so don't bother about resenting the child.Let your hubby deal with that.
Your recurrent miscarriages,what are you doing about it?Have you seen a specialist?

Your husband is the type that will blame everyone else but himself. Please you have the upper hand, first ascertain that the child is his, then compel him to take full responsibility if he is truly the owner.

Ten to eleven years of marriage without a child?


Mehn! I can't help but say that a childless marriage can make the woman accept and tolerate all sorts of infidelity and fvckery from the husband.

Let your husband accept the child. YOUR OWN IS COMING

Massey27:
Hello Nairalanders.
I have been following the forum and have seen how problems are shared.

I need advice for this and please from matured married people on this forum. This will be lengthy but please read to the end.

I am married for ten years now going to eleven and I will say all this year's, Hubby has been my best friend and closest ally.let your hubby go for DNA test and if it is positive let him accept the child

We got married when we were in the University and I would say it has been beautiful . Of course we have had the normal quarrels in our relationship. But it has never gotten out of hand. We settle it just the two of us without family interference.
My husband is very supportive and very loving and I have been told by different people that I am lucky to have a husband like him and I totally agree with them.

Fast forward to years after our marriage, I suffered three miscarriages which the last one was bad. And my husband has been supportive all the way. Even though I have not been able to carry all pregnancy full term and we don't have children of our own I have never had course to doubt his love for me.

Two years back, I started getting text messages and strange calls form unknown numbers telling me my husband was seeing another lady. I didn't allow that bother me because I never believed them until his close friend went and informed my family about it.
My family kept it a secret from me and they didn't let my husband know. But they carried out their investigations and it happened to be true. Still no of them told me. They were afraid of what that kind of revelation would cause to our marriage.

I also noticed that my husband was no longer the happy and lively man he used to be. He was getting lean and older than his age of 40. He was looking drained. He still showed love and affection but I knew he was not happy. And if I ask, he keeps saying he is going through a process and it's nothing.


But it wasn't long I got to know, not from my family but from a sister to that same friend of his.
I never for once saw anything incriminating in his phone. So I decided to ask him. Coupled with all the strange messages and calls i was getting and that he was aware of.

I was given the name and every detail of the girl from his friend sister. So I confronted him with that.
He broke down and admitted to it and also told me he didn't like what he was doing and wanted to stop but the girl keeps telling him she will come to the house and make sure I get to know if he stops picking her calls and seeing her.
So he was between the red blue sea and the devil.

I was devastated because I love and trust him with all I have.
He knelt down and wept and he was begging me not to leave him but help him.

He explained that was the reason for his sadness and he really regrets everything and didn't know what he started the affair.
The girl in question was introduced to him by that same friend that went and told my family about his affair.
Even at that point , my family never told me anything.
I left the house with some of my things because the wouldn't let me take everything, with pain and went to my family house.
After telling my mom and elder brothers, I was advised to go back to my house and settle with him. That he is a good man that made a mistake. My elder brothers took me back to his own family house and met with my father in law and all that was settled.
The relationship with the lady ended for it was already shaky at that time. And she called him again when he was trying to settle his home. Telling him if she doesn't see him she is coming to his house because he has been avoiding her. His phone was on speaker and I heard it myself. So he told her she is free to come because his worst fear has happened. That she has no hold over him again and that his wife knows everything now. She immediately ended the call.

I went back home and he has been remorseful and doing everything to make me happy again and to show me how sorry he is.

Early this year, same lady sent him a text to tell him that, when he ended the relationship with her, she was already pregnant for him and she has put to bed a baby boy. And the child is his. This was March this year.

Another drama started.

According to her, she had the baby last year 2018 November and the child is a year now. Her affair with my husband lasted for six months and ended early 2018.

My husband has not seen the child except the picture she posted on Facebook of her and the baby and she has gone ahead to change her profile on Facebook bearing the name of my husband.

Since the news of her having a child for him came, I have been really really sad and hubby has been trying all he can to salvage the situation but I am still not happy.
He has not contacted her and has refused picking her calls or going to see the child and the child by calculating when she said she had him, is a year already.

Now my pan is I have tried to accept this and has even told hubby to go see the child and take responsibility. But he said he is not ready.
Deep down inside me, I don't think I can love this child as my own. Am I a devil for feeling this way?
And i have alot of trust issue going on now in as much as hubby makes sure I am in the know of everything.
He has refused to see the child and I don't want the child growing up to feel his father is irresponsible.
How do hubby i get to know this child more and take care of his needs without having the mother come too close to my home?

The lady in question already has three kids for another man who didn't marry her before hubby met her. But hubby didn't know even when he was with her. He got to know after the whole affair ended.

Although she is more younger than hubby and I. She is In her late twenties.
I am 36 and hubby is 40.

Please your advice are welcome. Married.and matured people here, I will be following. Thank you all for your patience in reading this.

let your hubby go for DNA test and if it is positive let him accept the child. and for you, what belongs to your hubby belongs to you.

As for me giving love is the easiest thing for me to do. I have seen women in your situation blessed with their own child after accepting the child of there husband. Yes he cheated which is bad and it hurts but since he did not leave you for another woman shows he really care about you, some will be the complete opposite

DNA Test for the child without involving the mother.

You can love the child despite the circumstances of his birth.

What both of you should be more concerned with is: let your husband's son not disgrace him when he comes of age.

What you should plan on: a regular upkeep for the baby, his school fees and medical bills when he comes of age for same and finally scheduled visits with his Dad(your husband). Ignore the woman. Focus on the Boy. GOD will eventually answer your prayers.

I just wish I have a solution to all this because you are such a very considerate, loving and supporting wife and your husband is such a good man that knows he have an angel as a wife.

My only advice is please don't leave him, just find a way to solve this situation without you guys breaking up because only few men will act the way he did after mistake for a woman that has yet to bore him a child.

I pray your child is coming soon.

ma'am, truth is you have been hurt, and my respect to you on how you could swallow all these mess, and forgive your hubby.
as for the baby, it might just be a gimmick from the concubine. hubby should do a DNA test if physical appearance does not ascertain that the baby is his.
for those telling you to love the child and blablabla, is not easy. if you find yourself not loving and accepting the child, don't beat yourself. you are only being human, and you have been betrayed. but all I can encourage you to do is not to prevent hubby from taking full responsibility for the child if the baby is his. "since he did the crime, he should do the time"
as for you recurrent miscarriages, please , visit a specialist to know what is wrong. these days, there are virtually drugs and procedures used to correct illness. God bless science.


in all, that your hubby's friend is cynical, crazy and should be avoided 100 mile away. gush, I hate him already. he set this whole crap, but hubby was weak, so he gave in.

Mindfulness:
That your husband cheated for months is one thing but that he refuses to take responsibility is another. He should be ashamed of himself.
You don't have to love your child as your own, the boy has a mother and a father but the fact that you think about the child's well-being shows what a good heart you have. I am sorry you are put through all of this. You deserve much better.

Always remember that the child is innocent in all of this and be kind. Don't ever let any resentment be part of your attitude towards the child. All blame is on your husband. That's all.

My thoughts exactly. That the child is innocent. He didn't beg to be born like this. My fear is the Mother maybe wanting to use the opportunity to bulldoze her way into my home. I dated my husband for six years and we are married for ten. Making it sixteen years together

thorpido:
Let your hubby go and see the child.He might need to do a DNA if he really cannot confirm if the child is his by appearance.

Do you still want this marriage?You have a choice if you can forgive your hubby and try to make amends or you want to leave.
You do not need to play any role in the child's life and the child DOES NOT have to live with you so don't bother about resenting the child.Let your hubby deal with that.
Your recurrent miscarriages,what are you doing about it?Have you seen a specialist?

Yes I have. Results shows fibroid and weak cervix.

Tocheagle:
Let your husband accept the child. YOUR OWN IS COMING

Amen. Thank you.

Blakjewelry:
let your hubby go for DNA test and if it is positive let him accept the child. and for you, what belongs to your hubby belongs to you.

As for me giving love is the easiest thing for me to do. I have seen women in your situation blessed with their own child after accepting the child of there husband. Yes he cheated which is bad and it hurts but since he did not leave you for another woman shows he really care about you, some will be the complete opposite

Thank you.

mankettle:
You can love the child despite the circumstances of his birth.

What both of you should be more concerned with is: let your husband's son not disgrace him when he comes of age.

What you should plan on: a regular upkeep for the baby, his school fees and medical bills when he comes of age for same and finally scheduled visits with his Dad(your husband). Ignore the woman. Focus on the Boy. GOD will eventually answer your prayers.

Thank you.

OVA200:
I just wish I have a solution to all this because you are such a very considerate, loving and supporting wife and your husband is such a good man that knows he have an angel as a wife.

My only advice is please don't leave him, just find a way to solve this situation without you guys breaking up because only few men will act the way he did after mistake for a woman that has yet to bore him a child.

I pray your child is coming soon.

Thank you . Amen. My husband is really a good person but I guess it's not always rosy

momokiddies:
ma'am, truth is you have been hurt, and my respect to you on how you could swallow all these mess, and forgive your hubby.
as for the baby, it might just be a gimmick from the concubine. hubby should do a DNA test if physical appearance does not ascertain that the baby is his.
for those telling you to love the child and blablabla, is not easy. if you find yourself not loving and accepting the child, don't beat yourself. you are only being human, and you have been betrayed. but all I can encourage you to do is not to prevent hubby from taking full responsibility for the child if the baby is his. "since he did the crime, he should do the time"
as for you recurrent miscarriages, please , visit a specialist to know what is wrong. these days, there are virtually drugs and procedures used to correct illness. God bless science.


in all, that your hubby's friend is cynical, crazy and should be avoided 100 mile away. gush, I hate him already. he set this whole crap, but hubby was weak, so he gave in.

Thank you so much..we are no longer friends with the man and his family. When hubby learnt it was his friend that blew the whistle and went to tell my family, he almost had a heart attack. He couldn't believe it. Not until he listened to the recordings my brothers made anytime he called them.

Graxie:
Your husband is the type that will blame everyone else but himself. Please you have the upper hand, first ascertain that the child is his, then compel him to take full responsibility if he is truly the owner.

Thank you

Massey27:


Thank you.

you are welcome and you need to truly have to wholeheartedly forgive your hubby, that will take off some burden of your own shoulders. Just know we are all humans and bound to err.

Massey27:


Yes I have. Results shows fibroid and weak cervix.

For the above, Cervical cerclage can be put in place to address the weak cervix which I think is the main cause of the recurrent miscarriages. I would advise you visit a teaching hospital and see an experienced OBGYN so they can carry out the procedure on you when next you conceive.

As per the child, others have spoken well...let your husband carry out a DNA test and don't hinder him from carrying out his responsibilities to the boy, if he is his son.

Don't despair, God will bless you with yours soon.

Kindly let your husband go check the baby, if the DNA comes out positive, please take care of the child like your own, God in heaven will have mercy on you to help you carry your own triplets soon.

Massey27:


Yes I have. Results shows fibroid and weak cervix.

See a gynaecologist preferably at a teaching hospital.They should do what is called a cervical cerclage for you.

You are over thinking there are stages you have to go through

1 you need to go through the emotional healing 1st from the cheating and from relatives not telling you the truth

2 the trial and error to try have a child or the counciling that you can have a child of your own

3 the DNA test whether your husband is the father

4 the out come of the DNA comes with a different angle, eg if he the father financially he had look after the child then the emotional and social of the child, that also bring the baby mama drama

5 Loving the child or not depends on many things, i dont see the baby mama letting you have the child

Truth is you wil never be truly happy again,your relationship with your husband will change,you will never trust him again and you'll probably never have peace of mind.

You are free to be angry ,upset, sad whatever emotion you deem right and not pretend to be an angel or some sort of martyr so that people will say you are a wonderful wife. If you went out to have a child while your husband was impotent,you would be outta the door.

You have been betrayed in the worst way possible and you are still coming to terms with it.You owe no one any niceness or angelic behaviour.It is usually easy for Nigerians to call God and tell you to behave like a saint even when you are in pain forgetting that you are a human being before a wife.

The child is innocent,you don't have to love him,he has a mother and father already.
You must try to be just and fair in everything that concerns him as your husband has a responsibility for his own seed(if DNA testing proves this)


I don't understand why you're against your husband's ex friend,he did you a favour by telling you the truth.
You would never have known your husband had a son somewhere.

Besides,he would not have introduced the lady to.your husband,if your husband was not looking for who to be introduced to and you will be deceiving yourself to believe your husband is not happy that he has produced a child.


Just make the best of your.life,if you cannot have biological children,adopt one and just make up.your mind to be happy and do whatever pleases you.

Face your life and start to.enjoy it.

Life is too short.

What women have to stomach in a marriage.

ZIMDRILL:
You are over thinking there are stages you have to go through

1 you need to go through the emotional healing 1st from the cheating and from relatives not telling you the truth

2 the trial and error to try have a child or the counciling that you can have a child of your own

3 the DNA test whether your husband is the father

4 the out come of the DNA comes with a different angle, eg if he the father financially he had look after the child then the emotional and social of the child, that also bring the baby mama drama

5 Loving the child or not depends on many things, i dont see the baby mama letting you have the child

I don't have plans of hubby and I taking the child. I only want him to do good by his son if the baby is truly his. Number 4 which is the baby mama drama is what I am not ready for.
And the lady going all out to change her name's on Facebook and adding hubby's name even changing her relationship status to recently married to husband makes me certain she will cause a lot of drama. She has been called by my brother in law with hubby's directive to take down his/ their family name because she is not a wife and has never been, but she has not done that.

oyoolima:
Truth is you wil never be truly happy again,your relationship with your husband will change,you will never trust him again and you'll probably never have peace of mind.

You are free to be angry ,upset, sad whatever emotion you deem right and not pretend to be an angel or some sort of martyr so that people will say you are a wonderful wife. If you went out to have a

child while your husband was impotent,you would be outta the door.

You have been betrayed in the worst way possible and you are still coming to terms with it.You owe no one any niceness or angelic behaviour.It is usually easy for Nigerians to call God and tell you to behave like a saint even when you are in pain forgetting that you are a human being before a wife.

The child is innocent,you don't have to love him,he has a mother and father already.
You must try to be just and fair in everything that concerns him as your husband has a responsibility for his own seed(if DNA testing proves this)


I don't understand why you're against your husband's ex friend,he did you a favour by telling you the truth.
You would never have known your husband had a son somewhere.

Besides,he would not have introduced the lady to.your husband,if your husband was not looking for who to be introduced to and you will be deceiving yourself to believe your husband is not happy that he has produced a child.


Just make the best of your.life,if you cannot have biological children,adopt one and just make up.your mind to be happy and do whatever pleases you.

Face your life and start to.enjoy it.

Life is too short.

Thank you.
I admit I was angry at my family for hiding it from me and I actually felt betrayed. But I have forgiven them.

For his ex friend, we later discovered so many negative things he was doing behind hubby's back. when he discovered I have found out, he actually said he would have loved to see me and see the pain and hurt on my face.
He was not who we thought him to be. It's not just about him telling my family, he went all out to say despicable things about hubby to our greatest benefactor that we also got to know which were all lies.
And we loved them like family and treated them as such.
The wife who was also my friend called me when she knew I have finally found out and told me that at least she is not the only one in this. That finally I have joined the club of wives with cheating husband. And she believes now I will agree with her that every man cheats and not just some like I used to argue.
So I didn't want to have such friends around me again.

I understand why your. Husband does not want to have anything doing with the child(rightly or wrongly) he made a terrible mistake cheating on you and it has affected him a lot. Having something to do with the child will make him remember the act and bring the blackmailing baby mama close. While I sympathize with his dilemma, every action breeds a reaction, while we are escape some bad things we have done , in this case he can't escape his deeds, and it is not the child's fault that he was brought to the world via this lucrubiious affair.

You can advise him to see to the welfare of the kid, but you can avoid the interference of the baby mama, as long as the hubby is deemed the father. Very unpalatable scenario, if you ask me.

Look, you can't force him to love the child, just advise him to take care of him.

GOD WILL GIVE YOU, YOUR OWN CHILD, STAY BLESSD

babyfaceafrica:
I understand why your. Husband does not want to have anything doing with the child(rightly or wrongly) he made a terrible mistake cheating on you and it has affected him a lot. Having something to do with the child will make him remember the act and bring the blackmailing baby mama close. While I sympathize with his dilemma, every action breeds a reaction, while we are escape some bad things we have done , in this case he can't escape his deeds, and it is not the child's fault that he was brought to the world via this lucrubiious affair.

You can advise him to see to the welfare of the kid, but you can avoid the interference of the baby mama, as long as the hubby is deemed the father. Very unpalatable scenario, if you ask me.

Look, you can't force him to love the child, just advise him to take care of him.

GOD WILL GIVE YOU, YOUR OWN CHILD, STAY BLESSD

Amen. Thank you

eniolorunfe:


For the above, Cervical cerclage can be put in place to address the weak cervix which I think is the main cause of the recurrent miscarriages. I would advise you visit a teaching hospital and see an experienced OBGYN so they can carry out the procedure on you when next you conceive.

As per the child, others have spoken well...let your husband carry out a DNA test and don't hinder him from carrying out his responsibilities to the boy, if he is his son.

Don't despair, God will bless you with yours soon.

Amen. Thank you for this.

I see you really love this man and I'm not here to tell you to love him less but can you please tune it down with your constant calling him a 'Good man'. This man cheated on you for months. He had 'Unprotected sex' with a stranger and covered it all up. Pretended right down to his balls. What if he contacted Hiv or any of these deadly diseases? Mehn, if I were you, I would be very afraid of such a man. I know it is the childlessness that is making you cope with all this bullshit. I pray the Good Lord gives you your own child. As for him, he did the crime, let him do the time.