sassysure:
So, moving on....,

Madam, respect as u have made u your mind to do what's best for you.


But there is one thing I will love to ask.

How do u start surrogacy in Nigeria?
Are there agencies responsible for it or is it an agreement between you and the hospital ie, hospital will provide the lady and do all the paper work etc.

Also, anybody know of any hospital, agency etc that do this?
I assume Mavis3 live in Lagos. I maybe wrong anyway.
If there are tested and trusted places in Lagos she will have the opportunity to chose the best.

Let's help her pls.

crackland:
Lol.. Sassysure

bukatyne2:


Hello Mavis3,

I am happy you have had the sit down with your husband and he sounds remorseful enough to make it work. You have also done your analysis and decided that your marriage/husband is worth 'fighting' for.

I would rather you strike while iron is still hot than wait to go to your brother's place and back. You don't know how long the lockdown is thereafter, you want to stay with your brother for a month before coming back to take decisions with your husband.

In the alternative, if your husband wants to join you to your brother's place, let him. You can still have your space to breathe.

During this lockdown, take it to God in prayers, pray for His peace, healing, Strength etc. He promised the broken hearted healing, pray to him and also pray for clarity.

Since you have decided to continue in your marriage, it would make no sense to do things to jeopardize the new found 'thingy' you both are trying to build with leaving pressing decisions till you are back months after. By then, he is probably moved on or toughened up. There is a reason people are told to address issues while fresh.

All the best and you will have your babies.

P.S.: You are really strong o! made me go through the hassle of creating an alternate account for the first time in my 8 years here.

sassysure:
So, moving on....,

Madam, respect as u have made u your mind to do what's best for you.


But there is one thing I will love to ask.

How do u start surrogacy in Nigeria?
Are there agencies responsible for it or is it an agreement between you and the hospital ie, hospital will provide the lady and do all the paper work etc.

Also, anybody know of any hospital, agency etc that do this?
I assume Mavis3 live in Lagos. I maybe wrong anyway.
If there are tested and trusted places in Lagos she will have the opportunity to chose the best.

Let's help her pls.

sassysure:

Get away

U guys kept me awake last night and it's affecting my today already

Mavis3:
Thank You. We contacted two before now. Nordica Fertility clinic and precious conception(agency)

It's quite expensive but room is given for you to pay in parts.

Mavis3:
Thanks a lot Bukatyne. You are a sister.

Thanks for the advice and counsel.

I will take your suggestions into consideration.

My sister, it has been a rough three night o.Mind calculating like the computer and plenty tears.

I met him when I was 19. He was 23. I just got admission into the university then after my diploma program, and he was in his final year. I didn't have that space in school cos he was like a shadow following everywhere.


He even went ahead to defy the rule on
no male visitors for the girls in my home, to come and introduce himself to my elder brother.

My eldest brother insisted I graduate form school, Serve and enroll for a Masters before getting married.
So we married six years after we met.

I had to share on this platform cos I wanted different views from different people and thoughts and not family because that was the only way sentiments will not be involved.

And i am happy I did.
Una thank you.



I

Mavis3:
Thanks a lot Bukatyne. You are a sister.

Thanks for the advice and counsel.

I will take your suggestions into consideration.

My sister, it has been a rough three night o.Mind calculating like the computer and plenty tears.

I met him when I was 19. He was 23. I just got admission into the university then after my diploma program, and he was in his final year. I didn't have that space in school cos he was like a shadow following everywhere.


He even went ahead to defy the rule on
no male visitors for the girls in my home, to come and introduce himself to my elder brother.

My eldest brother insisted I graduate form school, Serve and enroll for a Masters before getting married.
So we married six years after we met.

I had to share on this platform cos I wanted different views from different people and thoughts and not family because that was the only way sentiments will not be involved.

And i am happy I did.
Una thank you.



I

Mavis3:
Hello Everyone.
I was to update yesterday and I opened the thread and saw a warzone. And I was confused. Please make we take am easy o.

@Oyoolima I am doing fine. The pain is easing and i don't feel that much anger anymore.

@ Bukatyne,. Fountainofyouth, Graxie, Merakhi, and all of all of I am still fine. I appreciate you all.

@ Crackhuas take am easy and I appreciate your advice as well

Hubby and I:

We had a lengthy and intense conversation cos I need answers. I had alot of why's.

It's so lengthy, but there was a lot of crying from both of us, regrets, anger and we just let it out.
And alot of pleading from his end.

At the end he said he wants his marriage to work and don't want to lose me.If only I will give him a chance, he will prove to me how sorry he is and make me happy again.

He said if I want a separate account he is willing to do that but he is scared of me leaving him.

He couldn't explain why it happened but said he is sorry for the betrayal and pain he caused me and for making me so unhappy. And he wants to make it right by me. He said Aunty will never bother me again and he will not bring up anything about the child until I am ready and comfortable talking about the child and his welfare and we will go by what I want regarding the child.

I told him I have heard. But I really want to be alone for a while and get back my sanity.
Told him I am still going to proceed for a leave once the lockdown is over and I won't be staying in town , I will be spending the leave at my brother's. He said that means he will take a leave too and he will inform my brother we are coming together to stay at at his place. I told him I want to go alone and that's the one he is raising face for now. Has been sulking since yesterday and funny, he is making calls and telling his friends we are travelling to see my people for a month after the lockdown.

He said if closing the joint account will make me happy, he is ok with it. And that i never mentioned going back for further studies but if that is what I want to do it's stilll ok .


Last night he asked me if we can start the adoption process immediately and what sex we would go for. I told him I can only talk about that after my leave.

He also spoke about the surrogacy agency we contacted. He asked if I can hold on from school since I have a Masters and we channel the money for the surrogacy since I said the project we are working on should be on hold.

I told him I can only give him a feedback at the end of my leave.

Thank you all once again for checking on me and for all the advice and prayers.

Sotland:
I really don't understand why you're so pained Ma....Please, I'll advice you go and look for your kind. I'm not on this platform to exchange insults..Henceforth, All attention denied.. E.O.D

MariaAngeles:


@bukatyne, you see ( bolded) what I was trying to make you understand earlier? Instead, you came at me like it was a debate contest in which you must win at all cost.

Next time, try to put yourself in the victim's shoes before dishing out insensitive advice.
Thank you.

amaham:


See them, ndi bad gang!
@op.. I hope you didn't buy the drama between your husband and auntie? All thing na set up! It was a well planned script to make him look nice and supportive. The story of the sick baby is FALSE. I wonder how your hubby can allow his precious male child to be ill.
Just wake up tomorrow and insist that you will like to personally take the baby to the doctor, and see how drama will enter part2.
The game is between hubby, auntie and baby mama for now. Pastor is on reserve bench, other players are yet unknown

Sotland:


I bet you would have preferred you and your husband adopt right?

Instead of you to accept the child as yours since the child is your husband blood. You are allowing your mind to be filled with ungodly thoughts..

Oh! It's the financial that is your concern right? Then split the account and take what's yours.. This even shows that you didn't forgive him truly but just trying to live by it..

Remember Nine Years no child.. So, is you or your husband getting any younger? You doesn't beat you, he still loves you and takes care of you. He didn't vent his anger or frustration for not having child or children, he protects you from relatives/outsiders and you don't appreciate it..

What if he decides to marry another wife today, will you divorce him?

Tell me is there a place in the Bible that condemn polygamy? Please give me the verse biko.


Many of us are hypocrites.. We claim to be christian yet we can't practice the true doctrine of the bible "Forgive & Forget"..

Imagine how everyone is condemning the Husband. And that will keep poisoning your mind and heart.

Someone even said he broke the marriage vows as if he or she understands what marriage vow is.. He's still having her under his roof, he still love and cares for her..So which vow was broken?

Becareful the kind of council you receive out here.. The deed is done. Just live in peace with your husband..

oyoolima:
Mavis3, he probably has another phone and all the hanging out has been with the second madam. Funny enough,you've been sponsoring his jaunts and baby mama unknowingly since you share the same account.

One thing I have to say is that you are so lucky that he confessed early,a lot of people leave the surprise for years down the line or even after they're dead .

I also have to say that I agree with bukatyne on this one BUT I disagree when she's says you are disadvantaged. They have layed their own cards,you haven't shown yours at all.

Sentiments aside, you have to be very very clear about what it is you want for yourself in the next 5-10 years at least.


I will deduce that you're a Christian that believes in pastoral input and that is why pastor already called you for meeting,you took husband back immediately meaning that you want the marriage to continue. It is not a bad thing at all.

You have a cowife, no matter how hard you deny it,I am sorry this is the new reality. You have said being with the new baby and fatherhood is the most important thing to your husband now..it is his right and the baby deserves this no matter how painful it is to you,allow him to enjoy fatherhood.

He will be meeting with the woman, and they will be spending time together and bonding over the baby..I know this hurts very much but it is what it is.

OPTION 1: This is for a tough person - Your marriage can continue if you want, you have indicated this by your actions ,so why not?


You have toiled for 9 years,why should you go without securing your own future? Now your eyes have cleared,it's time to amass assets IN YOUR NAME if you have the cash.Instead of spending 5k on pot of soup,you spend 3k and pocket 2k..let the pennies start counting .

Let him pay for nappy,milk, accommodation, hospital visits from his own money and also make sure he pays for his own portion of managing your own home. This one is not your problem.Make a list and know who pays for what.

Look over the deeds to any property very well and make sure your full name is spelled out there eg Mrs Mavis Olulolo Malbaba,nothing like Mrs Malbaba.

If you were abroad,I would say visit a solicitor to make sure all your belongings truly belong to you but you are in Naija so I don't know how it works.

Love is such a fickle emotion,at least the scales have fallen from your eyes even though the deceit was horrible,you don't have to be an enemy to your husband.

Before all this, you were getting along, your relationship was enviable. .

I'm sure that the day he took his vows,he did not plan to be like this but somehow he derailed along the line and chose to live his own truth.I dont blame him o.but you don't have to pay for his decisions.

His betrayal may feel unbearable, you will NEVER forget but you can use it to your advantage.

Look at it this way,you have a free legitimate tank of sperm aka husband at your disposal, free sex(with a condom of course) if he's any good in the bedroom, a chance to have your children within a marriage all from the same father (which ties things up nicely) , reduced utility bills (rent, electricity),a chance to save up money till or if you're ever ready to strike.

Grit your teeth and get the kids first. Allow him to donate his own portion of the money to your IVF or surrogacy endeavour. Why should you pay for it alone? If the IVF works, hopefully it's twins or triplets at a go .That project you were doing ,better halt it and funnel the money into achieving your aim of carrying your own children/ adopting children for yourself.
At this rate,you will finish building with your sweat but won't partake.

Pain passes with time,get what you want first..

In a few years,you may have adjusted to the new reality but you will be a smarter,more cynical version of yourself, hopefully with your own children ,assets in your name and more money in the bank.

You may also have forgiven him to some extent (as the Lord instructed),your relationship will never be the same obviously,it may change to a jaded one,you will still love him(agape style) but with a limit and you will put yourself and your interests first.

Allow yourself to grieve this relationship you thought you had no matter how long it takes ,it will allow you to have a clear head to PLAN for yourself and your future children.

Yes,the child or children will be in your face but surely you will have your own or at least you wait long enough to get your ducks in a row.

This sounds like psychological torture but sometimes,you play fool just to achieve your aim. You can still run away when you get what you want ,don't think this is final.

You can do option 1 very well without turning into a bitter person because you are not just there anymore, you are now more informed and you are taking back your power.


OPTION 2: You cannot manage the betrayal and pain and prefer to start afresh,clean slate with peace of mind,new life,donor sperm or adopt for yourself etc.

No problem,it is possible. Doesn't mean you haven't forgiven,only means you just cannot live in this kind of situation.

OPTION 3: Forgive and forget,allow the peace of the Lord to reign, accept baby and future ones plus the mother.

Leave the account joint and sponsor the new addition.

Some Christians believe this or a variation of it is the sure path to peace of mind ,the single track to heaven and a magic key to opening the womb and having your own kids.
They may be right,I don't know.

Believe me,a lot of people live with option 3 and are fine.

Choose the one that gives you peace.

Marriages bounce back from infidelity depending on the relationship between the spouses and their red lines however your own situation is not that simple.


I will not pretend to understand the pain you're feeling but i believe you can pull through this.

Be Smart and calculative .You are a WOMAN,strong is your middle name.

Pele again.

Graxie:
Thank God for his marvellous help, you are doing well. Keep taking it one day at a time. You will surely pull through. I thank God for your kind of woman, strong and sound. I thank God that you are taking decision that will make you stronger not following the usual societal norms. It pays to know your value. I hope someday another woman going through such, will read this thread and learn. We have some individuals who are bent on making women feel less than human, they enjoy dishing out horrible advice all in the name of marriage without considering the emotional trauma of the woman involved. To them marriage is a woman's only achievement and so she must tolerate whatsoever no matter how weighty, it shows your husband is still sound not the typical ones we have here that have started jubiliating about more babies coming from baby mama. You truly need a me time, it will help you to get your esteem back. Please don't forget to keep praying, you need grace to finish strong. You will have your kids not as a revenge but as a gift from your maker. It is well!!!

bukatyne2:


Hello Mavis3,

I am happy you have had the sit down with your husband and he sounds remorseful enough to make it work. You have also done your analysis and decided that your marriage/husband is worth 'fighting' for.

I would rather you strike while iron is still hot than wait to go to your brother's place and back. You don't know how long the lockdown is thereafter. .

veave:


Please can you just shut up? Do you know what it is to wait for children?

Mavis3:
Hello Everyone.
I was to update yesterday and I opened the thread and saw a warzone. And I was confused. Please make we take am easy o.

@Oyoolima I am doing fine. The pain is easing and i don't feel that much anger anymore.

@ Bukatyne,. Fountainofyouth, Graxie, Merakhi, and all of all of I am still fine. I appreciate you all.

@ Crackhuas take am easy and I appreciate your advice as well

Hubby and I:

We had a lengthy and intense conversation cos I need answers. I had alot of why's.

It's so lengthy, but there was a lot of crying from both of us, regrets, anger and we just let it out.
And alot of pleading from his end.

At the end he said he wants his marriage to work and don't want to lose me.If only I will give him a chance, he will prove to me how sorry he is and make me happy again.

He said if I want a separate account he is willing to do that but he is scared of me leaving him.

He couldn't explain why it happened but said he is sorry for the betrayal and pain he caused me and for making me so unhappy. And he wants to make it right by me. He said Aunty will never bother me again and he will not bring up anything about the child until I am ready and comfortable talking about the child and his welfare and we will go by what I want regarding the child.

I told him I have heard. But I really want to be alone for a while and get back my sanity.
Told him I am still going to proceed for a leave once the lockdown is over and I won't be staying in town , I will be spending the leave at my brother's. He said that means he will take a leave too and he will inform my brother we are coming together to stay at at his place. I told him I want to go alone and that's the one he is raising face for now. Has been sulking since yesterday and funny, he is making calls and telling his friends we are travelling to see my people for a month after the lockdown.

He said if closing the joint account will make me happy, he is ok with it. And that i never mentioned going back for further studies but if that is what I want to do it's stilll ok .


Last night he asked me if we can start the adoption process immediately and what sex we would go for. I told him I can only talk about that after my leave.

He also spoke about the surrogacy agency we contacted. He asked if I can hold on from school since I have a Masters and we channel the money for the surrogacy since I said the project we are working on should be on hold.

I told him I can only give him a feedback at the end of my leave.

Thank you all once again for checking on me and for all the advice and prayers.

bukatyne:


The baby mama might be gearing up to be second wife.

I am wondering why a side-chic not interested in a permanent relationship with a married man would have a baby for him.

Mavis3:
Hello Everyone.
I was to update yesterday and I opened the thread and saw a warzone. And I was confused. Please make we take am easy o.

@Oyoolima I am doing fine. The pain is easing and i don't feel that much anger anymore.

@ Bukatyne,. Fountainofyouth, Graxie, Merakhi, and all of all of I am still fine. I appreciate you all.

@ Crackhuas take am easy and I appreciate your advice as well

Hubby and I:

We had a lengthy and intense conversation cos I need answers. I had alot of why's.

It's so lengthy, but there was a lot of crying from both of us, regrets, anger and we just let it out.
And alot of pleading from his end.

At the end he said he wants his marriage to work and don't want to lose me.If only I will give him a chance, he will prove to me how sorry he is and make me happy again.

He said if I want a separate account he is willing to do that but he is scared of me leaving him.

He couldn't explain why it happened but said he is sorry for the betrayal and pain he caused me and for making me so unhappy. And he wants to make it right by me. He said Aunty will never bother me again and he will not bring up anything about the child until I am ready and comfortable talking about the child and his welfare and we will go by what I want regarding the child.

I told him I have heard. But I really want to be alone for a while and get back my sanity.
Told him I am still going to proceed for a leave once the lockdown is over and I won't be staying in town , I will be spending the leave at my brother's. He said that means he will take a leave too and he will inform my brother we are coming together to stay at at his place. I told him I want to go alone and that's the one he is raising face for now. Has been sulking since yesterday and funny, he is making calls and telling his friends we are travelling to see my people for a month after the lockdown.

He said if closing the joint account will make me happy, he is ok with it. And that i never mentioned going back for further studies but if that is what I want to do it's stilll ok .


Last night he asked me if we can start the adoption process immediately and what sex we would go for. I told him I can only talk about that after my leave.

He also spoke about the surrogacy agency we contacted. He asked if I can hold on from school since I have a Masters and we channel the money for the surrogacy since I said the project we are working on should be on hold.

I told him I can only give him feedback at the end of my leave.

Thank you all once again for checking on me and for all the advice and prayers.

merahki:


This has to be rhetorical, no?
Not every woman wants to be in a permanent relationship with a man. This is pure fact.
A single woman (concerned about menopause)who wants a child, especially if she has a good job and can take care of kids?
A lesbian (or bisexual) who wants a child?
A woman in love with a married man who loves her back but will/can not hurt his family and leave them?
The one in a scenario like the one above but who does not want the man to leave his family because she does not want marriage which “could spoil things”?
That lady who fell in love with a married man’s pocket, or bank account, and got pregnant, and doesn’t want to get an abortion?
That woman who wants a revenge because her husband has a love child, could want to become pregnant for her married lover and get her own child?
The commitmentphobe that wants a child but not a husband, who feels a married lover would hassle her less over the ensuing child?
I can go and on but I am sure my drift has been caught?

Jullima:

The OP says she needs time away for her sanity so she can deal with her emotional pain and you’re telling her not to. What is wrong with you? If the husband is remorseful, I am sure he can wait a month or two for his wife to get herself. After all he cheated on her for years. You don’t care for her emotional health at all. She just got a huge bomb dropped on her can you at least let her have some time to figure out what to do before pressuring her to start having a baby as if it’s competition.

OP, I love where your head is at, take the time you need. If he truly loves you and he’s really remorseful, he will wait and do all he can to make sure you’re fine physically, mentally and emotionally. It is well.

bukatyne2:


If one is patient enough, you people will drop comments that shows you don't have sense.

Who is she supposedly competing with by trying to have her kids after 9 years in marriage? If she is truly in 'competition, it is not obvious that the baby mama has won since she has the first son?'

Or you just read others talk competing and decided to jump on the bandwagon?

tabithababy:
.

Mrs marital rape ..... You no dey tire

bukatyne2:


Today is Easter so in the spirit of Easter, let me advise you.

You need wisdom. Loads and loads of it.

First, in the earlier scuffle on this thread that got some of us banned, you were goading a guy to release the supposed sex chats he had with a lady here in public. That was very unwise

Secondly, in another thread, someone said something about a female and you quoted it laughing. You were not in the foray and should have kept to the sidelines and not add to the raging fire except one of the monikers in the scruffle was your alternate.

Thirdly, since I said there can be no rape in marriage since the vows give automatic consent to both parties, don't you think Mrs no martial rape would be better suited?

James 1 vs 5: If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. (NLT)

bukatyne2:


Taking morals out (because the best setting for a child is still father, mother + child/children).

All the women you listed up there would likely go to sperm banks or get random men to knock them up especially if they do not want 'permanent' relationships with them.

A sidechic who gets pregnant for her married lover wants a permanent place in his life. As second wife, only wife or baby mama.

Last I remembered, a child binds a couple for life.

tabithababy:
.

Mrs marital rape ..... You no dey tire