₦airaland Forum

efosky1246:
My brother, you almost brought tears to my eyes with this your write-up. It's a pleasure to know good men still exist.

I keep saying it that most dysfunctional marriages, not all(before they come for my head) is usually the fault of the man. From a surface point of view, it might seem like it's the woman. But most times. The woman is reacting to the deficiencies in the man.

When you treat a normal, healthy woman right and act like a leader, set the tone in the relationship. Not just shouting "I am the man" up and down. There is no how she would not submit and respect you. Men need to be held more accountable.

We should grab a drink together if you're keen. Would love to connect in person.

truthsayer009:
Patriarchy & women's subordination is the order of the day, this is how Nigerian men show leadership, they want to control your life, where you go, what you eat, friends you keep.

efosky1246:
I keep saying it that most dysfunctional marriages, not all(before they come for my head) is usually the fault of the man. From a surface point of view, it might seem like it's the woman. But most times. The woman is reacting to the deficiencies in the man.

When you treat a normal, healthy woman right and act like a leader, set the tone in the relationship. Not just shouting "I am the man" up and down. There is no how she would not submit and respect you. Men need to be held more accountable.

efosky1246:
I really don't know any Nigerian man that wants to treat his wife like a doormat. or control her like a bull. most men just want to lead, albeit with love and then respected and cared for in return.

efosky1246:
Context is important.

loveymom:
I am Happy we have some sound men ALIVE, enjoying the inputs from them.

Hathor5:
So refreshing!

Great profile picture.

Klass99:
@ The first bold, thank you for saying this.

Bukatyne, you quoted this post as well, I hope you saw the part in bold very clearly. When people share their personal stories or the stories of others about hurtful or unhappy marriages, you are always quick to blame the women involved, by claiming they didn't choose wisely.

I specifically asked you the other day, if you followed Debrief's story and her ex-husband's version right, here on NL for a reason. The ex husband echoed what efosky just said here. He admitted to being the cause of the breakdown in that marriage, he admitted to changing into a total monster, after the big bucks started rolling in. The same man, prior to marriage and prior to becoming rich, was humble and religious. If I remember correctly he was a godly person in school, a very dedicated fellowship member or leader.

Debrief, met him in school in the same fellowship they attended, they dated without sex all through their dating phase, she married him a virgin (her virginity is not my point though) believing he was a godly and good man but from their story, we see how that turned out. Yet, someone like you, would still blame Debrief for choosing unwisely. How was she to know, that this seemingly god and godly person, would become the monster he did because of money/riches.

Even her hubby was shocked at the extent of his savagery towards her, when the lawyer presented him with x-rays of her broken ribs, numerous hospital receipts, detailing the number of times, she had been in and out of the hospital because of him. He came on NL and told his version of the story, at a time he was critically ill and sorry for all he had put her through. Debrief, never even mentioned the broken ribs, he did.

Please note this is not an attack on you. I want you to understand that a woman's choice of spouse IS NOT always the reason why she suffers. People change, either for good or for worse. I have changed too from a naive/fickle young woman into a more solid and well adjusted one. So what makes you think spouses don't change?

I'm not looking for a debate or to start an argument with my last question or post, I'm just saying....

efosky1246:
I could. It's just time.

Women need to be educated on qualities they should look out for in a man. Failure to choose right on the part of the woman coupled with irresponsible men is the foremost reason for dysfunctional relationships today.

Klass99:
Well noted.

But please note also that people do change.

Only a stupid woman will see a seriously flawed man and marry him. A very stupid woman

Khonifer:
You say these things like we’re puns like we have no part to play in this ‘reality’ at all. Of course this is a poor country, and op’s post will not stop poor people from getting married but there is also nothing wrong in preaching common sense. Why would anyone want to marry into and raise children in poverty?

Point still is there is no reason anyone should be mad on this thread. That’s all

Romangalactic:
Is emotional healthiness written on faces?

Most will always seem normal on the surface, but probe deeper and u see how a string of failed relationships have messed them up

truthsayer009:
For Infidelity Yes, not for financial aspect though, because Married men cheat too much, that is why.

We are talking about Finance here, what steps should a Man take to act like a leader exactly?

Patriarchy & women's subordination is the order of the day, this is how Nigerian men show leadership, they want to control your life, where you go, what you eat, friends you keep.

Women have to pick a struggle, freedom with a Rich man is not free.

Klass99:
When that lady first shared her story here, a lot of NLanders blamed her, one annoying moniker kept insistingshe didn't follow God's will in her life which is why she was suffering. He kept going at her and blaming her for doing something wrong in her life, until her ex came and said his wife hardly did anything wrong, he was corrupted by the affluence he came into.

Do women make bad judgments? Hell yes, sometimes we do and I won't pretend like we don't. However, you cannot know the full extent of a person's character, in fact you will never know someone 100% (only God does). You know people to a certain extent.

We make judgments based on what we often see/experience and when it comes to doing your homework I say yes, do all you can. But there are certain instances where you'll never see what's coming, no matter all the homework you do. Debrief is just one of such cases, she couldn't have known, she only knew what she saw and experienced prior to marriage, the rest came afterwards.

The younger me probably would have been fooled too or taken in by such a man, who seemed humbled/godly. But older me gets seriously put off by religious people. My point is, it can be easy to fool others when they are young and loving with their hearts only, not with their heads.

Palema007:
When I saw a response from Bukatyne to Mariangles on a thread saying it is a lazy man's thinking to believe the phrase "People change" ,she went on and on to emphasize on "how it is important and possible to know all of a person especially when it comes to dating. I knew she never experienced some aspect of LIFE. My problem isn't about importance of knowing who one is dealing with. My problem is the possibility, How possible is it to know all about a person.
But the question is: Do you as a person know all about you? If yes why do we claim to do things unintentionally, why do you hear phrases like " had I know" , "I don't know what came over me" " She made me believe in myself" , "I didn't know I could achieve that" ... etc. These sentences shows the limitation of human knowledge of themselves. Now how anyone would expect another being to know all about another to the extent of predicting them or actions they are capable of rightly all the time beats my imagination.

People change, People revolve! It isn't a lazy man's thinking or anything. It is just the fact of life. You can only know what a person let you know or is careless enough to reveal. A lot of things can cause people to change Money, Fame, wealth, poverty, other people's attitude etc. We aren't made static to continue a pattern, sometimes people can decide to handle some things differently.

Now I'm not saying it isn't good to know your partner but saying you must know ALL a person is capable of before going into relationship with him or her is unachievable and always making this the reason behind every relationship failure is just totally unthinkable. Just watch, pray and be wise.

efosky1246:
I could. It's just time.

Women need to be educated on qualities they should look out for in a man. Failure to choose right on the part of the woman coupled with irresponsible men is the foremost reason for dysfunctional relationships today.

bukatyne:
If you want to quote me, it would be appreciated if you quote me properly.

Ending your sermon with watch, pray and be wise isn't necessary if you believe people change, people evolve so we can't know them.

And NL is wide enough, everyone should type what they believe in biko.

Palema007:
You don't have to be combative when people point out errors in your reasoning. You can't know it all, be humble enough to learn. You don't have to be right all the time.

Yes you can only watch (expect to be surprised) pray (seek guidance from God who sees it all) and be wise ( be ready to adapt or confront situation). Like I typed earlier you don't know it all. My last response to you on this.

bukatyne:
If you are a true leader by example, you will weed cray cray a lot.

Personally, I like young relationships before both sexes have fragmented souls through multiple sex partners and have become hardened and stiff.

Palema007:
You don't have to be combative when people point out errors in your reasoning. You can't know it all, be humble enough to learn. You don't have to be right all the time.

Yes you can only watch (expect to be surprised) pray (seek guidance from God who sees it all) and be wise ( be ready to adapt or confront situation). Like I typed earlier you don't know it all. My last response to you on this.

Klass99:
My point exactly! People change, people evolve and you can never completely know a person.

I used to think along the lines of marriage with two kids, but now I absolutely do not want kids. What changed? I did, my thinking changed, my desires changed too, the older I grew.

If I was crazy about marriage and desperate for it, I would pretend about wanting kids, get hitched and begin to act up after the wedding or maybe after 1 child. That unfortunate man, would have never seen me coming Which is what some people do, they pretend until they get what they want.

Debrief's husband changed because of money (sorry I keep mentioning Debrief's story) but it's worth mentioning because her hubby came here himself to say his wife didn't lie, he acknowledged how much he changed because of wealth and the damage he caused.

Romangalactic:
Good one, but why not use your main to tell her all this

angelfallz:
i have no idea what you mean with your points, if you can, please explain
as for your number 4, women generally, worldwide are taught to revel in victimhood.

Romangalactic:
The ability to do that is a gift, not a trait, meaning very few people are blessed with it.

In agreement with your second paragraph

jornwhite:
Alol !! did last time you ask for my CV ... i sent mine, my youngers one & neibors own to your DM. Dem never call us

FG can't provide jobs who is he (obim) ... abeggi

bukatyne:
I almost missed this:

Please see explanation below:

1. Baby heads/leaders: husbands who are babylike in a negative way; don't lead by example, don't understand sacrifice or strength of character, wants everything to revolve around their needs and/or wants, do not understand the concept of responsibility, want everyone to pamper them, are only there for fair weather, have short memories etc.

2. Financial sperm donors: fathers/husbands who are only financially responsible in the home. They provide no morals, teaching, encouragement, discipline, mentorship, protection, spiritual guidance etc.

3. Wives unwilling to take responsibility for their choices: This is clear. A woman choosing the wrong man or unwilling to face the consequences of their actions etc.

4. Wives who revel in victimhood: Closely tied to 3. Because they do not take responsibility for their choices, they paint themselves as victims when the consequences of their actions/ inactions comes calling.

A prime example:

When God came to the Garden after Adam & Eve had eaten the forbidden fruit ( i would use apple hence forth, shorter), watch the scene that played out:

Adam said: It was the woman you gave me. He did not question God's gift of the woman when they were probably running around the garden playing hide and seek; That was lack of responsbility and leadership. He should have reminded Eve of God's command and not eat the apple.

Eve said: It was the serpent. O poor Eve! One would think the serpent forced her to eat the apple or wrapped it inside watermelon so she did not know it was the apple. Eve had a lengthy conversation with the serpent before agreeing to eat the apple which she confirmed was good. This was classic victim mentality at play.