₦airaland Forum

Divay22:

Thanks Katier00 for reaching out. Appreciate the offer.

Katier00:
take out the health issue bro. You are telling my story. I can perfectly relate with your feelings dear, i felt I was suffocating, i was so depressed and cried my eyes out. Finally i had the courage to leave with my 2 boys ( thanks to my family and fin group on facebook). Never again will i subject myself to this kind of torture in the name of marriage. I hope to share my story someday. You will be fine, just stay strong and if you need someone to talk to, am here

Thanks. The objective of this thread really isn't for tent-pitching and I believe if it was my spouse that was narrating the story - it would come across differently because it would be her perspective. I equally agree with you that the emotional damage has been quite significant for both of us. However I'm not sure questions like these (Who gets married out of pity? Who gets married for sex?) are of much help at this point but I agree with this statement ------> I thought marriage is about sacrifices, commitment and love., therefore it is important that we all assess how far we are really willing to go before plunging in.

As for three sides to every story - IMHO, the truth (the 3rd side) is a matter of perspective. It really depends on how we see things. All in all, I believe we all agree on one thing: the paramount welfare of the children remains paramount to everybody.

In truth, my heart also goes out to my spouse for the whole situation. Though I believe that we can remain friends afterwards - which may help to minimize the impact on the children - hopefully.

remsonik:
I have been following this post since it started. I won't pitch tents or sides. We can't hear from Op's wife so we won't really know how far the emotional damage has been done to both sides. Who gets married out of pity? Who gets married for sex? I thought marriage is about sacrifices,commitment and love. My heart goes out to those kids sha.
There are 3 sides to every story , your side, your partner's and the truth

Thanks.

ifegadinma:
I have been following this post since its onset and my heart goes out to the OP. In as much as some persons are inferring its a cooked up story but how about giving him a benefit of doubt. Not only wives, even husbands suffer in marriages (though in our society wives are almost synonymous with suffering). We should try to be emphatic in certain situations. For the OP, writing is therapeutic so before anyone starts playing "The Judge" please read through properly before posting. Sincerely we can ONLY imagine what may have happened.

Valid points. Lol @ quite young. I think it was more of being very naive - that was my second real relationship. Morever I erroneously believed it was part of being a good man - giving one's self totally and wholly without restraint - perhaps the melancholic side of me. Now I know better - albeit at great cost.

I do agree that we can give the kids the very best despite being separated. That remains my objective.

GHoJes:
Its sad, selfish, but no point blaming you further than you are going through, also because you set out with a seemingly good intention(pity) but was plain ignorance. The zest to prove you were man enough, wmelancholic taking charge; where you that young?
You are very right, it was the only picture, objective you took into and brought out of the marriage.

That was a gory experience you both went through. I plead you to get her introspections, she might not easily yield but friendly persist and ins:/ist. If you get this right, you May be her friend and hero for life as well as give your kids (at whose expense you both selfishly decided) the best despite being separated. She was selfish to accept what she can't give. Trust me, you didn't know but she knew you might not reach the finish line. still I don't think she is altogether indifferent as you think, she just may not be expressing the emotions the way you are used to. It could somewhat be mutual.

Thanks Sissie.

[quote author=Sissie post=59191695][/quote]

Hmm... deep thoughts. Thanks for this.

@6 - I think i was already frustrated a few months into the marriage. Its not fun knowing there's a 70% chance you'd be rushing her to the hospital after having sex or seeing her writhe in pain/ self medicating with injections. I think I just wanted to prove to the world and myself that she could bear kids. So the stillbirth was a downer and I think I lost a bit of my essence.

She went to her mom's to heal.. And came back after sometime. I used to go visit her then. So after her grieving process, i think we just stepped back into normal cycle, albeit with my fractured self.

With my assesment/ understanding of the situation - i knew I had to optimize each sex session. It was mostly done for procreation and during ovulation. I never masturbated in my life till I got married.. (lol). And both times she got pregnant, I ensured she received the best healthcare possible which has yielded beautiful results. (Smiles)

So maybe it's that sense of completion of objective that triggered my decision to leave. I'm not sure.. just trying to follow/analyse my thought process.

@5 apologies if it seemed like I shaded the faith. That wasn't my intention. Was just sharing my experience.

GHoJes:
Let me give my say on your latest introspections; at the centre of them all, i saw only one thing-SEX.
1. You promised what you couldnt deliver because you knew you(your person) could go almost any length for a friend and much more for a wife but you didnt know you cant sacrifice certain things for even saving your life because they are your life or make you, so what's the point sacrificing. You would understand better if for instance you are asked to give up your nerd self for something opposite.
2. When you are in love it is quite difficult to recieve a wisdom/full knowledge you do not have the common sense/basic knowledge for unless you want to follow blindly or as a child which means the love and trust for the wisdom source more than the one you fell into.
3. Yes it is good to be a bit selfish if you see it that way, everyone is at some point but No, not selfishness if you see it this way; that you cant sacrifice your nerd nature for anything because that's you, your core.
4. It will only take maturity in varying degree to continously be interested in, give happiness to one who doesnt reciprocate and such maturity usually dont come before a first experience.
5. Dont shade the faith yet. What you would have done for one with your exposed level was to have been adequately informed, aware of your body from the urges, thoughts and reactions to sex, sex-ducations etc before marriage.
Know yourself well so you dont take again what will make you not feel you. You may need look critically at the things you can't take lest you think they will complement you like the other aspects of her.
6. Were you already frustrated at the lack of sex? cost it took to make baby? so much saw baby as consolation? Ignorance? That you couldnt bring yourself to mourn with and comfort each other, give more light.

Wow... Lol.. This just goes to show how emotionally attached we are to the subject - whatever part of the divide you are in.

I think I mentioned that this is also a process of introspection for me - which means I am looking within. And yes interestingly, all through this.. I more of blame myself than her. There are certain aspects that I'd rather not share (e.g. medical condition, sensitive info etc) because I know that there are others who may be going through same and there may be unintended consequences.

Some of the reasons I think may be responsible are listed below... (Please they'll be more about what I could have or should have done... ) Caveat- This may not work for everyone, just product of my thoughts.

1. I promised what i couldn't deliver. A lifetime is a pretty loooong time. I raised everyone's hopes and now I've dashed them. I am entirely to blame for this. I should have counted my costs before setting out.

2. Listen to mentors and people that have experience in such marital matters. Interestingly, now that I reach out to them, almost all of them saw it coming BEFORE the wedding, but no one could tell me because they felt I wouldn't listen. I was far gone - head over heels in love. Like they say, " love is blind but marriage is an eye opener". I should have encouraged them to speak.

3. It's not bad to be a bit selfish at the point of choosing. Think about what you want and be sure that's what you truly desire/need. Imagine worse case scenarios... when you'd fall out of love.. would you still want to stay? Etc. I didn't think deeply enough.

4. When married... keep building the friendship. Try to develop together. Understand your selves and how you are both evolving. Be interested in the other person's life. I think I lost interest at some point. I had a cursory oversight but nothing too deep.

5. Knacks (Sex) is key. Now this is going to sound somehow (lol) to the religious folk but the no sex till marriage didn't work in my favour.

6. During the troublesome times, learn to grieve individually and together. Our first issue was a stillbirth at full term. It changed us in different ways - i think. We never grieved together. I should have created the opportunity.

I'll stop here for now... And perhaps write some more upon further introspection.

LOL.. Thanks ... OMG!

baby124:
Lol. I am sorry but I hope you come back and read this post well in future when hindsight is 20/20. It's glaring why you are in the position you are in right now. Goodluck with your divorce process.

Lol.

baby124:
I agree. You are seeing things the way you are.
That is why you cannot see the full picture. Which is what I am giving you as a third person reading your story. Everyone reading this including the writer is seeing the situation from their perspective. Your inferences are also drawn from where you stand and your perspective - i.e. who/ the way you are.


I have absolutely nothing to gain from your experience.Thats great! But there may be others who do and even if there isnt. I have a whole lot to gain from this experience.


The fact is if you carry the way you approach things to another marriage, it won't work either because you have to work on you. Working on me is the whole point of this journal. I thought that I made that pretty clear from the beginning.

If you cannot be honest with yourself in life, you will never get the best. By the way you won't post this in the family section if you didn't want the attention that comes with commenting on your posts. If you read my earlier comments, I've always been open to comments. I think someone had earlier suggested it being a diary. I selected family section cos that's what was most suitable.


Not everyone reads a story and believes it hook line and sinker. Loool.. OMG! And I'll be lying becauusseee?

There are holes in your story and I am pointing it out. Loool... you'll always find what you are looking for...

It's interesting how people can read a situation and then infer something completely different. Lol..

Truth is that we don't see things the way they are.. we see things the way we are...

baby124:
.

Ahn ahn @baby124.. are we fighting ni?

If you read through well, I have never said anything negative about my ex. It's not about her being a bad person... I think it's more about me not being introspective and genuine enough. I mentioned how I over-estimated my capacity. I highlighted some differences that I had overlooked. I even said that I don't think I make her happy...

I mentioned that it would have been better if I was her friend and not her husband. I also understand that I've caused damage. I'm not looking for any pat on the back o... habaaa.. .

The essence of this thread is for me to document my progress through this ordeal and then to come back after a few years and hopefully see how far I've come.

I am not a saint and won't paint myself as one. We all make mistakes and maybe mine just has far-reaching consequences. Aye o le to yen... thanks for your opinion.

baby124:
OP,
Not to sound like I don't have a soul, but what is the essence of this thread if you won't give the back story on how you ended up where you are. All I see is how this woman has treated you bad. You may not believe it but two people contribute to the destruction of a marriage.

I hope you have taken time to evaluate your contribution or lack of to the destruction of the marriage. Without a sincere reflection on your flaws, you may just be jumping from frying pan to fire. It's hard for me to pat you in the back about your decision when you are being very sketchy about what caused your marriage to come to this extent. However you are quite good at pointing fingers. Just my opinion....

Wow @ suicide card... That can be heart-tugging. Pele. My mouth is heavy, I don't even know what to say again... But know this... I feel your pain...

Maybe the women may know how to comfort you better.

I'm not one for fire and brimstone words. Neither do I believe that one mistake should define you. The decision is yours to make.

As for me, I'm using this as a learning experience - to be more self aware. Getting to forgive myself for the damage I've caused. Redefining my perspectives on life. Questioning my very core - beliefs, values, mindset etc. Though this may sound cliche - but - it is well... even in the well... it is well.

Luxed:
Thank you. We dated for 5 years and he hurt me over and over through those years. I moved on but he played the suicide card and I gave in. I told him my feelings were dead before the marriage. I stay up crying most nights and he knows it's because of how I feel. I stayed to make him happy but I'm so unhappy. I can't spend the rest of my life like this, I have to get out.

Glad to hear!... indeed I'm happy for you. I wish you many decades of marital bliss. Ayo yin a kale o.

sassyangel1:
Lolzzz... Don't mind me ojare. I understd it's nt easy 4 both parties (husband and wife) nt to be happy in a union. Buh her own case made sleep tear race from my eyes ( marriage of just a month). If I could jst turn back d hands of time b4 I started having children. Kai, we(my hubby n I) could tear cloth ontop kpekus wthout disturbance, have our movie nights, engage in sensual games.... Kai, it's gd 2 marry a GOD FEARING partner and ur friend and last buh not d least, a forgiver. Even wen u hear us yabbing ourselves, u'll jst b laffing. We r completely opposite in d sense dt he's a quiet and disciplined man while I'm outspoken and carefree woman. He loves writing tins down and planning towards goals while I'm a sharp sharp person. Buh, we understd ourselves and try to bring out the comic sides to our every day life and I knw wen to calm my mouth and pet my hubby. We made up our mind dt divorce is outta our vocabulary buh I made it clear 2 him I won't take violence whether emotional or verbal ( I tested his worse case wen we were courting, so I knew he could tolerate my hyperactive mouth and mood). The funny tin of it all is dt he's the more patient partner ( I guess because he's God fearing).

@Sassyangel1.. . See the difference in the tone of your comments once you heard she was a woman.. habaaa.. . Lol... so not fair.. .lol

The honest truth is that Not everyone will get it right the first time.. or even at all. I met someone who divorced her first husband after 6 months. The process took 3 years. Today she is happily married to another guy and they've been together for 10 years and blessed with 3 kids. This life is not a one size fits all.

Lol @ peeping mode..

sassyangel1:
Awww... So sorry. I'm really short of words. Did u n ur partner attend counseling classes or seminars b4 marriage? All I can say is table the matter b4 ur maker(if u r a believer). It's too early to be feeling such way. Have a heart to heart talk wth ur husband. This is the period to scatter cloth and do all the kpekus styles b4 children starts coming.

sassyangel1:
Kai, u jst brought me out of my peeping mode. What on heavenly earth is the problem wth this generation? Please, did u attend counseling class and seminars b4 u got married? Did u marry ur wife based on physical appearance? Jst my questions cos it's too damn early for u 2 suggest this. This ought 2 b honeymoon stage n nt regret stage. Abeg brother go n watch war room cos it's nt only meant for women. devil is a liar!

Hi Luxed

So sorry to hear how you feel. Not to sound hypocritical, I think one month may be a bit too early to pull the D card. On the other hand, I also understand that no one else knows where the shoe pinches. I'm not a lawyer but are the feelings mutual? I.e. both of you want a dissolution of the marriage? If so, then no need to flog a dead horse. If not, I wont be quick to encourage divorce as it can be a tedious, nerve racking process.

Secondly, please never isolate yourself - whatever you decide to so.That's one of the benefits of forums like this. Always try to reach out and soon enough someone will hold your hand.

Luxed:
Story of my life. Already thinking of ending a marriage that is just over a month old. I'm so unhappy. Sadly there's no one to talk to. The worst thing in life is marrying out of pity.

Thanks.

[quote author=mrphysics post=59149458][/quote]

Great! I'll check Cuba out. Take it easy on the animal
Have a great weekend.

shaybebaby:
That's alright, no pressure. Did read about needing a holiday. I'd say definitely go for it. No time like the present and it has a way of rejuvenating the mind without the pressures of day to day living.
I'm going to recommend Cuba, beautiful, rustic and seeing how people live will help put some things into perspective.
I'm alright, it's Friday eh and wish I could say I have a fun weekend planned but no.
Cleaning, updating my linkedin profile, waging war on some animal digging up my turf.. Same old same old I'm afraid.

So I started a gym membership to take my mind off stuff. And we had a yoga session... Sheesh... i am soooo inflexible. Lol..

During the session, Our instructor looks at me and says, I'll send you some images to help you loosen up and she sends this... she must be joking.. Lol..

Hey shaybebaby! I'm alright. Still a bit introspective. My mind is working overtime.. Lol.. You?

shaybebaby:
Risingphoenix, how are you feeling today?

Ok. Maybe some other time then. Diaries are monologues right? I kinda like the comments.. helps me feel like I'm talking to people.. loool.

lovelygurl:
Oh sry auto correct

I meant commenting

Maybe you should talk to one of the mods. Have no idea if it can be moved

Lol @ diary section. Can it be moved? Competing about what? I don't understand

lovelygurl:
I think it would be better if this was to be in the diary section
Everybody is just competing

Including me

These past few days have been really cool. Thanks to everyone for your comments and offers of support.

Funny how things happen. Met with a Czech lady and we struck a deep convo. Interestingly she's been through this and said quite a lot of things that helped shape my perspective. Future is really looking bright. Immersed myself in work. A temporary measure though but mehn my productivity is on point.. Lol

Thinking of going on a vacation.

You probably have a point. Yea me too @situation

lovelygurl:
The family background point is to me not a point

I'm sorry you are in that kind of situation though

Thanks. Points well noted.

Zither:
Never marry anyone out of pity. They won't pity you when they make you miserable and go through physical and emotional trauma in the marriage. In all such cases, your pity quickly turns to regrets.

Love is not the first factor to consider when considering a future partner. Always go for that someone who completes you, inspires you, supports you, prays with you and for you, cheers you on, makes you happy whenever your wandering thoughts perch on her, who looks to your interests as though they are hers or his, makes sacrifices for your welfare and success, respects you, places great value on your company and friendship, builds you up and above all loves you selflessly. Truly, such spouse is hard to come by but through prayer and patience God will connect you with such person meant for you.

I wish you all the best in this phase of your life. One thing though is that when you asked her if the tables were turned and you had her condition and you sought to know if she would marry you her reply in the negative would have made you rethink your decision to marry her as it betrayed her selfish acceptance to the marriage because you were not really her choice but an available option by way of circumstances beyond her control. Oh well, you were on a rescue mission so that did not carry much of a weight towards reconsideration. Wish you both all the best.

Thanks for the info. There's bound to be some form of regret when one is met with disappointment in any venture - be it physical, emotional, financial etc. More importantly is what you do with it.

Onegai:
Well, don't let me stop you if both your minds are made up about Divorce. I did see an interesting statistic recently: a huge number of people regret getting their divorces, and upto 60% of men regret their divorce more than women. Which is fascinating but understandable, because most people are too caught up in how bad things feel. And things can feel bad for a very long time.
Here's a blog you may like:

https://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/

He's divorced and he said, he never thought it would happen to him because he didn't do anything wrong, yet was a shitty husband. He also says his wife didn't do anything wrong yet was a shitty wife. And they both regret their divorce. His quote is "Good men and women can make Shitty husbands and wives".

Thanks.

jashar:

I like your sincerity with the emotions you're feeling.....
Thanks for the sage words.
I read earlier where you said all you could say to God was,'Please, help me'.
That's a good place to start in prayer....
I wish you well....

Thanks for reaching out. Most of the details are being worked out but I definitely agree that the paramount welfare of the kids remain paramount. All physiological needs are covered. It's more of the time spent with them that's being discussed. If there are areas I need your insight, I won't hesitate to connect. Thanks

shaybebaby:
As someone who has tread this path, you are on the right path.
When a union is dead, it's dead. Any reflection is for self development, what could I have done differently, how did I contribute to where I am now... Etc

The lessons are to make you a better man, father and in time maybe partner in future. It isn't easy, it never really does but you get used to it.

If you are not in Nigeria, try to limit the use of solicitors, they are the eventual winners as their bills pile up the longer you take to reach an agreement. Are there mediators you can use? It's a more collaborative process.

What about the practicalities of ensuring your kids wellbeing? It's all good making declarations but how will it work?
Who is going to be the primary carer? Whoever it is, their housing needs comes first because the kids need a roof over their heads.
How are you going to arrange contact, do you even want joint physical custody where they spend equal amount of times with both parents?

I could go on and on, lots of decisions to be made. I wish you and your family all the best in these tumultuous times. This too shall pass and if I can give pointers based on my experience, do let me know.

Lol... almost like clockwork... 4.08am...
This feels so surreal. Like I'm having an out of body experience and watching my own life play like a script. At this moment, I question ideals I once held sacred and sacrosanct. Emotions have gone through a myriad of manifestations - anger to despair to uncertainty etc. For once, now I feel hope.

People say I laugh a lot and I'm not taking this seriously. Even that makes me laugh. I'm just built that way. I laugh when I'm stressed, even when I'm frightened. Others say run to God... well... I have... I am...at what point do you say you've reached Him? Still pondering on that...

Maybe the whole essence is to share in a journal so I (and indeed others) can learn something in future. Something positive I hope. Life really is unpredictable and everybody, irrespective of what they look like, how they live, the frequent smiles/ laughs, has something they are dealing with. There's really nothing called a perfect life. Enjoy what you have. Experience love. Give. Receive. Be happy. Take risks. Never be afraid to start afresh. Enjoy nature. Don't be in a haste. Breathe. It is well.... Even in the well... it is well.

I could almost hear the gasp. Lol.

goldenruby1:
Wow! @the bolded.. I sincerely wish you all the best

Lool. Mehn you lost me...

Martin0:
hahahahah ti o ko ba nilo lati wa ni binu, Mo si gangan fe lati mo
re idi ti idi ti mo beere ..

Yea. In retrospect... I was quite naive and immature. Lol @ let God in. Most definitely. He can step in. As for me, I'm out.

Janeyinspires:
You call all this 'quite a few?' They are deep.
You projected yourself as a "good samaritan." Someone who'll make her happy,fill in her inadequacies without taking your own happiness into consideration

Marriage isn't a help institution.You apparently turned yours into one..Lemmi leave you with this:marriage is God's idea.Don't lose faith yet.Let God into your marriage.