wow.. how time flies.. it's hard to believe i started this journal 3 years ago, at the lowest point in my life. Looking back, I am really thankful i did. Though through many twists and turns, I am in a very different mind-space today. Nairaland is a really interesting place.. some of the threads are hilarious! .. and jeez.. the comments smh..lol.. Humankind is really diverse, and then Nigerians (smh) are a very special breed. lol.

Oh lawdy.. the big 40 is round the corner..white hairs are beginning to show on my beard.. .. just decided to leave them jare.. you pull one out, two rise in its place.. ..

My son asked me the other day, "So dad, when are you getting us a new mommy?" .. Haa! that's how my mouth opened o....

Looking back, I'm thankful to God. The highs, the lows, mistakes, losses, faith, hope, laughs, tears and everything in between all work together for our good...

wow! Such hard words .. Thankfully you are entitled to your opinions, which don't really have an impact in the larger scheme of things.

Contrary to your assertion, I do have my peace and my kids are growing just fine. I would have felt regret if we treated each other badly afterwards.

To be honest, no one needs nor desires your pity. The journal was actually created during the process to document my thoughts and also learn.

And lastly, placing curses? Pretty laughable.. But then, I choose to bless you in return. May God's favour and light continually shine on you. It is well with you. Shalom.

Sugargul:
@RisingPhoenix

You can lie to yourself all you want but the truth is you failed her, failed your children and yourself. You knew about her health condition and vowed before God and man to stick it up till death do you part. In the middle of it, you suddenly realize, this is more than you bargained for. You started desiring a different type of life. I can only imagine the pain she must have gone through. It is preferable to be single with health issues and be surrounded by loved ones than to be promised a lifetime of love and commitment and then abandoned in middle of it. You will know no peace and you created this journal because you were trying to find peace. You are very wicked!!!

You come here and say it was mutual. Before nko, what reasonable woman will force a man to stay when he already shows he wants to leave and unhappy with the marriage. The divorce ate her up and killed her faster than the medical condition could have.

I feel no atom of pity for you. I pity the woman who trusted you with her heart. I pray God forgives you your iniquity but never come here seeking a pity party. I pray you don’t raise those kids to be as heartless as you. Wicked soul

Thank you.

Indeed, i went to some emotional and psychological depths i didnt think i was capable of.

Just to comment on @csrockefeller's reaction, its totally understandable. I went through that phase as well - blaming myself, wishing there were things i could have done differently. However, just as you mentioned, it was not acrimonious. A couple of weeks before her passing, she had requested for me to help buy some things for her personal use, to which i obliged. We were quite cordial, and i would seriously doubt the depression angle but then i don't know everything.

Sometimes i superstituosly think the separation/divorce prepared me for this - although i know its my mind trying to fill mental gaps. Divorce is never a good thing, but sometimes its a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea.

All in all, life is really about choices.

Ishilove:

I remember how you turned to a philosopher on top your divorce matter. My condolences.

This life is strange and mysterious.

Thank you.

CsRockefeller:
She had a medical condition which u knew of but you left regardless.

Now she is dead, I have no words for you.

Your type makes this already difficult world very difficult. That lady battled depression all tru, I feel for her.

Thank you.

NoToPile:
Wow and wow

Life is truly unpredictable sha, followed this thread back then.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Thank you.
Indeed I am quite relived and happy they are.

ibizgirl:
Sorry about this. Thank God your kids are adjusting

Wow! How time flies. Reading through this journal just makes me realize that everything in life is transient. Mountains and Valleys, Ups and Downs etc. In all, one must remain thankful and always be positive.

Earlier this year (before the lockdown), I received a call in the wee hours of the morning. My children's mom (ex-wife) had a home accident, was taken to the hospital and had died. I jumped on the next available flight. I recall crying all the way from my apartment to the airport and on the plane. On one hand, it was such a personal loss - I ensured we remained cordial post-divorce. I had just attended our kids' christmas party at their school. I never reneged on my obligations and i always asked myself if i was doing right by her, which i always answered in the affirmative. So being informed of her demise was such a shock and a loss. On the other hand, i was thankful that i wasn't in the house when it happened, i can almost hear the stories and accusations flying... "pointing fingers at me". That would have just been another whirlwind.

Showing up was such a relief for my kids. That was (and still is) the most important thing on my mind. With wisdom (thank God), I was able to get the kids to travel back with me to my base, got them enrolled in a new school and also have family support in raising them. They seem so much happier. Everytime i look at them, i realize how blessed I am. We discuss about their mom once in a while and i just check to see if they are well adjusted (thankfully, they are). It has been one heck of a journey. I can just imagine if this had happened during the lockdown, I would have been a nervous wreck!

Life can sometimes take us through turns that we never expected, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to keep living, be positive and take it one step at a time. It is well.

Thank you for this!

mrsthang:
@risingphoenix12

It must be some relief that it's over and done with.

You both will deal with very strange feelings..grief even at the years lost.

I sometimes work with children & adults who's parents have divorced during the formative years,7 ish , it could cause lasting damage and trauma for them if not handled properly.

They describe pain and confusion,having to go to different houses,being used as pawns, sometimes even blaming themselves etc

Even when speaking to the adults,some regard it as a major incident in their lives.


I hope you both agree for this time to be as seamless as possible ,perhaps remain friendly for their sakes especially as it's not their fault.

For their mental health it is important that you both set aside your differences and parent together to the best of your ability.

They'll need lots of love, and reassurance and for you both to be on the same page so they feel emotionally secure.

Happier healthier parents in a happy environment is beneficial for children rather than a toxic environment so you both have taken the right steps hopefully to a more beautiful future .

It's not easy at all.

I wish you both all the best.

Everything you've said is spot on! Adjustment will take some time i guess. Not sure I'm interested in stones right now (if you catch my drift)...

ImaIma1:


Marriage itself is a mystery. And you are right about getting married for the right reasons...not for riches, out of pity, good looks, etc. Because sooner rather than later, all that will fade away and we might have nothing to fall back on.

Judging is a very dangerous thing to do. And people do it so easily. That's why I always say "never say never".

Hope you recover just fine and adjust to your new status. And do not make the same mistake again because to stumble twice on the same stone is a proverbial disgrace. .

Interestingly I think a healthy fear of marriage may be helpful as it may encourage some serious reflection and preparedness before going into it. However, for balance, it is really a very beautiful institution - once you get it right.

Indeed, it is well.

sisisioge:
Wowzerful! Just like that? Now my fear of marriage just increased! It is well.

Speaking from experience. (divorcee)

My opinion on some causes of marital failures:

1) Lack of preparation. A successful marriage takes a lot of hard work, commitment and resolution. Its more much than hormones and fuzzy feelings. Expectations are not well managed before the union is sealed. Its also much more than what the other person says but what he/she does.

2) Poor foundation - Like tedpgrass mentioned.. mental and morality connect are both key... but also.. the rate of evolution of both parties must be matched. You can start out on the same level but if one advances mentally/morally than the other... then there's a disequilibrium and potential for issues.

3) Compatibility- an offshoot of (2) above... from seemingly innocuous things as eating habits to deeper things like spirituality etc... A successful marriage is meant to be a marathon.. not a sprint.. so think far into 6 decades.. Can you live with this for that long? and is it something you'll be OK with for that long?

4) Lack of selflessness- As time goes on, there is a tendency to want to focus on what's best for you (as an individual) instead of what's best for you as a couple. One must seek the other's development and wellbeing and vice versa... If efforts and considerations are equally matched, it helps forge the bond of the union... unfortunately, if one-sided... doom lurks.

I'm sure there are many more... just wanted to share a few i could think of.

....and finally... judgment was passed. Divorce granted fully in alignment with terms I had proposed. End of one chapter as i heave a sigh of relief. Beginning of another, as my determination is locked on one goal.... "My kids must never suffer.. so help me God"...

Whatever the future holds, all I know is "las, las, we go dey alright."

Mehn.. real life something oh...

jashar:
Is this a movie script or real life something?

She was taken for a week. How she survived - i do not know. I'm just relieved she is OK.
Beyond you? lol.. you can imagine how i feel...

annex1:
Okay we are on abduction now.

For how long was she taken? How did she survive without her medications. Did she not have any medical emergencies?

This whole story; Fictitious or not. is beyond me.

Its been a while... well... a lot has happened since my last post. Anyway.. Last time i updated, judgement was due in two weeks.
Then... plot twist.

A few days before the judgement day, i received a call from the police that her car was found abandoned in the middle of the road, with the key in the ignition and engine running. A lot of thoughts ran through my mind.. "i hope she's ok", "who do i call?", "what the hell is going on?" etc. I called the house to confirm the kids were OK. Then i spoke with her brother and asked him to visit the police station for follow-up. To cut the long story short, she was kidnapped.

Racing against time, i placed a call to a friend in the SSS to provide some support/ coaching to the family in case they were contacted by her kidnappers. Also spoke with her parents to lend my voice of support, updated them with moves i had made and let them know they were not alone. And with bated breath, we waited.

I had earlier discussed with my lawyer and we agreed to support the postponement of the judgement hearing till the kidnap case was resolved. So once the judge was updated, he moved for a postponement of hearing which we accepted. Same day of the hearing, i received a call from the police (not the ones that called me earlier) asking me to come in for a chat to aid the investigation. Instinctively, i asked my lawyer to accompany me - that was my saving grace. . As the conversation ensued, the police stated that the family had mentioned that i was the person behind the kidnapping. Mehn! i was disappointed! I probably would have given them the benefit of the doubt, but then i saw the brother walk in, speak to the police and then walk away with the air of "We don catch am". At that moment, I felt betrayed.. or maybe my expectations were set too high and thought they knew me better. My lawyer whispered to me," Baba.. we need to make some moves o.. these people wan lock you up". After some calls and engagement, I was let go. Moreover, it was even so clear to the police that there was no motive for me to initiate this heinous act. But that betrayal just left a sour taste in my mouth. Thankfully, after a few days, she was set free and back home in one piece.

The whole experience was an epiphany for me. If the family could think this of me and go further to tell the police that i was their ONLY suspect. .. even after all the support i provided? Maybe they had been watching too many CBS reality/ CSI:NY shows . Or perhaps, this was fueled by their opinion/ perception of me, in line with the ongoing divorce matter. Mehn I really do hope the judgement grants the divorce request. I really don't care what religion or society says, i gotta get out of this union.

In retrospect, sometimes unfortunate events happen to reveal a hidden truth. If this hadn't happened, i probably wouldn't have had an idea about how they really saw me. I'm just really glad that she came back OK else it would have probably escalated to a whole new level. That's how God saved me o.

New judgement date is in a few days. Fingers crossed. I really would love to read this 20 years from now... May God keep us all.

Oyindidi:
Wow! Just wow! Some of us are really strong not even health challenge can break us.

Not sure i understand your comment

yettymuse:
until you walk the walk, not everyone would understand this statement. I'm glad you and ex are coparenting in peace. I wish you both all the best

indeed... the experience had made me more insightful, and wiser, i hope.
Thanks. Wish you all the best too.

Well.. well.. well...how time flies....

Its been about 18months or so since i started this journal (i think). Final judgement at the court is scheduled to be delivered in about 2 weeks. Interestingly, my ex and I seem to have developed a decent relationship, with mutual respect. The kids come over to my apartment from time to time, spend weekends etc.. and we reinforce each other's instructions. I attend activities at my kids school, as much as i can. I'm not complaining. I sincerely believe the divorce was the best decision for both of us. Though, the side glances from people when they hear you are divorced can be unsettling. lol.

One thing this process has taught me is never be judgemental about others. Everyone has a deeper inner struggle. Live and let live. Like my mom says, "Life is a mystery"

To those who are yet to be married, be circumspect... dont manage anybody oh... i would advise marrying someone you are willing to "die" for. The future is pregnant with positive vibes, dont miss out on it

shaybebaby:
Risingphoenix12, what's your take?

LOL.. this matter pass me o..
Let me come and be going abeg ...
One strong point for me though... always take care of your kids no matter what. Shalom

mrjojo:
My fear of marriage just skyrocketed learning all the same

LOL! Don't be scared. it really is a beautiful institution. it's just one of those moves you should try getting right the first time you try.

Atimeset:
Nice to know you are doing good @Op. Keep the Optimism Flag flying! A step at a time!

Thanks

aytuns:
As an unmarried person in a relationship, there are a lot of things I've learnt having gone through this thread.. Hmm..

That's great. We learn every day.

sisisioge:
It is well.

Even in the well..

Thanks @yettymuse. Well... like they say in Yoruba.. A sa le para wa.. (We sha wont kill ourselves)

yettymuse:
welcome back. Good to know you are doing fine too. This hurts though, I thought the break was going to bring a good news or something close.

Wow... how time flies.... it's been about 6 months since I updated this thread. Mehn...
You know those movies where the guy comes back and everything has changed, with that happy smile and living happily ever after scenario? this is so NOT it.

Divorce proceedings are ongoing. Hopefully it's wrapped up soon. It's funny how events like these bring out human nature. See woman jostling for money/ property. LOL! oh well.. I guess they must mean a lot to her.

Moved out to a smaller apartment. Nice and cozy. Learning the ropes of living alone. Not so easy when you are in your late 30s. LOL.. miss my kids a lot. I try to see them with my lawyers/ or witnesses present as much as I can. Hopefully we should get split custody. Sometimes, you ask yourself "What's next?" and truth be told, I really don't know. I guess I'll find out.. for now.. i just need to make it to the next day.

Shout out to my friend L(old person) . Thanks for being there.

Life indeed is an interesting maze. Quite a few surprises around each bend. Wherever you are at the moment, stay positive and hopeful.. your best is yet to come.

Finally made it to The Gambia. Got a nice villa facing the ocean. Good for introspection and forward thinking. Hopefully I'll go back wiser .

Hmm.. I agree that no child deserves a broken family. But because parents don't live together doesn't make it a broken family. As long as they play their parts and meet up with their responsibilities in all ramifications.

Forcing two people to live together actually is a danger to the wellbeing of the children. Or how can having multiple adulterous affairs/ physical/ mental torture be better than parents living separately but showing love to their children individually or in unity, when the need arises.

Speaking of truth, people have different versions and unfortunately I disagree with yours.

As a side note, cataract is the 3rd leading cause of blindness, religion and politics remain the first two.

remsonik:

No child deserves a broken family. Every Child deserves to grow up with the parents together. The truth is a bitter pill to swallow

Watched this today. Just thought to share


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG6oqtJAwdU&feature=youtu.be

Thanks. That's my prayer too.

Amhappy:
Someone close to my heart has a health issue. People use to ask 'Who will marry her?' Can she bear children? One day she walked in with a young man and today they are married with a child. I pray he doesn't wake up one day and leave her. But even if he does ,her life alone is enough testimony. Who can believe she will ever have a family of her own. I never thought of this possibility till I saw this post.
Love is a choice not a feeling. You have lost the strength to choose her and should move on. Rather divorce than lose ones life. I hope your wife see the miracle of 7yrs of marriage and 2 wonderful children not the pain of divorce.

Don't worry. Keep your trust in him alone and He'll see you through.

ableguy:


I can totally identify with you my brother, honestly. But in all I trust my creator to see me through.

And that shall be your portion. Don't let my current experience or those of others cloud your expectation.

Sarang:


The kind of marriage am looking forward to
Bless us O! Jehovah.

Thanks. Interesting read.

getty02:
I saw this somewhere and thought it would be a nice read
https://thehusbandmaterial./2017/08/13/what-if-it-doesnt-work-out/