₦airaland Forum

Oya,Where the categories na Ben. . . . Shortlist the nominees and categories make we see

chyk91:
@ poster please what is ur source because i heard ann macaulay had a miscarriage, i don't know how true it is.

U go fear Nigerians/Nairalanders na

we shall see. . . . . . . .

sholabanke:
u think sey she sabi the tori

Hehehehe. . . . Prove him wrong jare Sima. . . . . .Dont let your readers down

sima:
Christmas is here again.
Listen to my story.
2 thousand years ago.
An angel came from heaven. . . (ya'll want me to continue?)

Which kind suspense be this. . . . Continue jo

gabrywyl:
Thank you jare. How are you?

And how is brother Azo?

He's cool Babe. . . . How bodi?Hope you're cool

sima:
no be madness them dey call this
u wan waste our smiley 4 hia

Very funny ^hisses

Special Shout-Out to you Sis. . . . and a thousand kisses -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -* -*

Raymond88:
Can i come to bed with you?

Your sickness is deteriorating per second. . . . . Get some help

Just greetings. . . .
To start off. . . . . .

To those I have wronged ,  I sincerely apologize ,  To those I have helped ,  I wish I could do more ,  To those that have helped me ,  May God almighty abundantly reward you ,  Amen. Merry xmas in advance and May you celebrate the excitement of the new year in joy and happiness. Love Y'all

Raymond88:
Is it just me? or is there alot of sexual undertones from that. . .

Its simply you. . . . Wonder when you'll quit with your lecherous acts

Raymond88:
Your sense of imagination is as original as that of a three year old!!

You think thats funny,huh??. . . . . . No make me enter u oooo. . . . . Hmmmm

BAC:
Now that you've told us all the streets you know in London. Are you happy now? I was a genuine buyer. But now your jaws have betrayed you. I have found what I am looking for and at a good price.



Good luck

And whats this supposed to mean He should start weeping cos you didnt buy,huh. . . . . . You seem discourteous ^{hate your guts}

190:
igwe1 do u hear I'm d governor of nland and can dethrone u NOW

INSPIRED W wher u even dey sef
u never greet people o
i hear say sallah na dec 25th and christmas na jan 1st 2009,

happy sallah nalanders and merry xmas igwe1
i go soon dethrone u

2 ALL NLANDERS,
Inspired w has decleard free cars of ur choice from jan 1st, come 2 his compound for ur cars,

Address please . . . . . I trust Nigerians/Nairalanders na two of una dem go mob together

olivetree:
You guys should please spare us all these ur meeting details.
When has meeting someone become such a big deal?

Aint there a moderator in the auto section again?

stop hating bro. . . . . .

Raymond88:
Wow, your sense of observation is incredible.

And your sense of observation is accreditable . . . . You're hereby coronated as the IYA OLOFOFO 1 Of Nairaland

Raymond88:
I'm been serious actally, Nairaland is sexually overcharged, seems like everyone is looking for the next boyfriend or girlfriend here!

Another astonishing revelation. . . . . I never knew

mykali:
i shouldnt be doing this, but what the hell?


there should be a category for

1. most humorous Nairalander

2. most sexiest nairalander

3. etc.

meaning You're too big for this or what

tkb417:
na wa for u o

u sef fit testify. . . .abi i lie

2. FAITHFUL OR UNFAITHFUL?

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven. The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car. The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"










3. THE MARRIAGE FAIRY

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.









4. BATTLE FOR CUSTODY

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"









5. ALWAYS THERE FOR ME

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side, You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, "












6. Four Kinds of Sex

There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "Bleep YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of everyone there.









7. What Am I doing?

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window,
He tells her to take off her jeans, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?” she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that’s why I am here!"










8. CONFIDENCE

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties, '
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'









9. AFFAIR WITH DENTIST

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day the dentist said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"









10. VENGEANCE

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.








11. MAN OF YOUR DREAMS

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"









12. Q&A

Question: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Answer: Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego,
A. "Is it in?"










13. 25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to Bleep your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."










14. Like A Woman

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".










15. The Newly Weds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in this family!"
The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, “I can't get into your panties!"
Then she said, "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."









16. Women

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.










17. Bush

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest, with the man giving the woman MouthAction. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"








18. The Virgin

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was, oh, do I miss him!"








19. Skiing

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


1. SMART-ASS

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Raymond88:
Why must everything be about romance and shet, most romantic couple, are you kidding me? what happened to most useful contributor?

and you being the most sarcastic

This is the most Awkwardly constructed Interview so far. . . . . . You dey try sha Tgirl but this Bluespecimen no try at all ^{too complicated}. . . . . . . 

adexcarz:
Forumites,
Merry Christmas and prosperous 2009. Bye bye to Big Brother Nairaland reality show.

Hehehehehe . . . . . . Merry Christmas and Happy New Year In Advance everyone.

Tgirl4real:
yes, I am and i did

I was only kidding,I swear. . . Oya No vex

Berra. . . ^{for you Tgirl}

Tgirl4real:
Best Couple . . .

emmmm. . .

i will be back

Mos Def,You and I. . . huh??

jubar007:
inspired d price is not bad at all, a friend of mine got his own from skymit motors for 10.5 million and its not even amg

inspired_m:

Skymit Motors Used to sell his Basic Models for 12 Million Naira, Your Friend got a Lucky Deal from him for a Basic model for 10.5 million.

I am selling Mine at 8 Million Naira, AMG Packaged. I don't Pay 100 Million Naira Rent Per Annum So I don't need to Hike My Prices

After,we go dey complain say money no dey this Nigeria,abi. . . . Hmm Ride on o jare.You're already inspirationally inspired

Alrightyyyyyy

Tgirl4real:
I'm going incommunicado esp from peeps like u who thinks i like too much protocol

Aww Babe,Dont tell me you're reading any meaning to that

OK ooooo. . . . . .

I'm also thinking 'bout MOST CONTROVERSIAL NAIRALANDER. . . .Wetin u think Ben

Tgirl4real:
All u babes and dudes twisting mouth and and not granting interviews, u berra hurry now while offer last.

tgirl is travelling out soon

Travelling out to where there wont be internet connection?Are you travelling out of earth

Ok Ben. . . . . ^{Lets gooo there}

spikedcylinder:
LOL! Showbobo, you for don talk tey tey na.

Hmmm.U berra take am easy make your head no burst . . . . . Hope you're not thinking I'm a stalker

Tgirl4real:
I have no hand in this plz

Make d real organisers see me in camera ASAP

You sha. . . . E be like say you like Protocol well well

Alrightyyyyy Bro. . . Sorry if i overreacted.