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Romance › I Love You "conditionally" by smootheb(op): 4:46pm On Oct 21, 2011

I was having this discussion with someone I am dating about what love really means, and when you say it what significance does it really have. I've always used the word love sparingly, meaning I don't say it unless I really mean it.

But what I told him is that basically I do *not* believe in the idea of "unconditional love." Unconditional love to me implies, that it no matter what happens in the future - even something absolutely crazy - that you will always love and accept that person no matter what. To me, any relationship, just like any decision in life has some type of condition attached to it. I could love him today, but if I find out some undesirable things about him later, or if he changes his attitude, or things in our relationship go sour, then I could fall out of love.

So now if we're having a conversation and I say "I love you," his response is "I love you too, conditionally." It gets on my last nerves when he says that, but at the end of the day I suppose to say "I love you conditionally" is technically correct. He also thinks that American women are so quick to throw in the towel and divorce a man instead of sticking it out through thick and thin.

To me pushing the idea of "unconditional love" just gives men more reason to behave badly because in that case they know the woman will never leave them no matter what!

Family › Divorce In Nigeria by smootheb(op): 5:24pm On Aug 22, 2011

Question - are there any statistics for percentage of people in Nigeria who have a traditional weddings, vs. church weddings, and registry weddings? What do most people opt for?

How is divorce regarded in Nigeria? What divorce proceedings are necessary for a church wedding or traditional wedding, since they are not recognized fully under the law? For a Traditional wedding would it be enough to simply return the dowry or is there a divorce proceeding involved?

I have heard that church weddings are the least "recognized" but being that you are taking a vow before God I would think that a church wedding would carry more weight than a court/registry wedding, I guess depending on how religious you are?

Romance › Question About Weddings! by smootheb(op): 4:50pm On Aug 11, 2011

Question - how grand can an introduction ceremony/party get? Is it typical to have a massive party/celebration for an introduction, including lots of extended friends and family? Or is it meant for mostly only close friends and family.

Does the bride-to-be wear a white wedding type of gown to an introduction party or would that only be for the wedding celebration itself?

Also what is the difference between a regular wedding and a Nikkai, is a Nikkai a Muslim wedding?

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 12:38am On Jul 28, 2011

REALITY101:
I hate it when grandma's can't make decision on their own. .

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 10:42pm On Jul 27, 2011

andromida:
Please safe yourself all the stress ask him to show you the green card you do not trust him.

You are right, I will find the right way to do this.

Romance › Re: Do You Think Guys Can Really Be Bi? by smootheb(f): 10:40pm On Jul 27, 2011

I think most ladies have a small element of bi-curiosity about them, whether they experiment or not is a different story. A lady can just experiment say in college just because and maybe never have the desire to do so again after they've "grown up."

But a guy who has been with another guy, naw I think he's likely more on the gay side of the spectrum than anything else so I couldn't go there, because clearly I don't have the same equipment to work with as a man.

Romance › Re: My Friend Is Dating A Man From Nigeria And Considering Marrying Him. by smootheb(f): 10:31pm On Jul 27, 2011

lisasmiles:
@claremont - What am I doing except trying to find out how a traditional wedding works? What claim? You act like I told her any of this. Like I said before whatever she decide I got her back and that is that. I did not tell her to leave him. I just told her to check out his story. That is what I meant earlier when I said I tried talking to her. This here is me having her back.

OP - you sound like an intelligent woman and probably don't even need to hear this, but don't listen to those people who are attacking you on this thread, or implying that you are trying to insult all Nigerian men. You are just looking out for the best interests of your friend. Been in a similar, sticky situation before, where 2 friends and I actually found out our other friend's boyfriend had another chick he had been dating for years, and even had the nerve to buy them both the same exact Christmas gift. Confirmed with the other girl and everything and there was no doubt he was HER MAN too. Yet, what do you think happened, the friend turned on us. Some women just get effed up in the head when in love.

All you can do is help her see the light; you can bring the horse to the water but you can't make her drink. Don't get mad at her if she doesn't listen to you. It sounds like you have a better grasp of different resources that can be used to investigate the issue and weigh all options than your friend does, such as the advice you received from the attorney. Plus your friend is probably so wrapped up maybe deep down she's not ready to accept what could be the truth.

If she starts catching an attitude with you about it though, you probably need to fall back because sad to say, nothing can tear a friendship apart faster than a man. angry

Women are too freaking complicated,

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 2:42am On Jul 27, 2011

Ileke-IdI:
Poster,

I hope in a few years, you dont come back here bashing the women of your naija boy's ethnicity.

Yoruba men tend to do that ish to us. They romance non-yoruba women, bounce after a few weeks, then those women come here typing ish about Yoruba women.

So as a Nigerian and Yoruba woman, I'll be str8forward with you; DONT WASTE YOUR TIME.

I will never blame a woman for a man's selfish ways, no matter what if he is supposed to be committed to me and he steps out, HIS FAULT, period. If my dude's story is true that is some trifling ish the woman did but men need to learn not to put themselves in situations where women with sly intentions can take advantage of them.

But for a man to cheat and say oh darling she just seduced me I couldn't resist, eff outta here. You mean your penis just happened to fall inside of her? Really? LOL.

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 2:05am On Jul 27, 2011

REALITY101:
Sorry. . I'm from the USA and we don't have google here. .

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again! I'm sure you will be victorious in the end my dear. wink

Romance › Re: My Friend Is Dating A Man From Nigeria And Considering Marrying Him. by smootheb(f): 12:41am On Jul 27, 2011

Blakjewelry:
The simple truth is, the guy is just using your friend to get green card. I am a nigerian no denying that and i hate it when a silly nigerian will spent so much to get out of the country just to disgrace us the more, there piple back home who started wit less than what these ediots used in traveling that are doing well .
I know Some will blame the situation of the country, bt let me ask them what of those other africa country whose situations are far worst than ours they do go outside and make a fool of themselve?
The truth is not because we really poor bt because every body wants to be on top. So, my advice is tell her to careful infact tell her that guy is a bloody liar. Quote me any day anytime that guy is just a hustler wit wife back home and he is using her to get green card. Periodcareful infact tell her that guy is a bloody liar. Quote me any day anytime that guy is just a hustler wit wife back home and he is using her to get green card. Period

I have a question - how does getting permanent residency/green card through marriage work? After you marry someone how long does it take for them to get a green card? If you marry someone and later find out that they are already married to someone else in his homeland is that grounds for an anullment? How can you check a registry or public record to find out if someone is legally married?

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 12:36am On Jul 27, 2011

Nekai:
Why do we women tend give our hearts away before a guy gains our trust? If you would go halfway around the world to see if he is trustworthy, then it is obvious that you are willing to invest too much. You should be focused on getting to know him as a person. He could be a great person that is serious about being in a relationship but what if he is not right for you? When you focus on where the relationship is headed before you are comfortable with who he is then it seems like you just want any guy that will settle down, and not him specifically.

I haven't given my heart away yet, I'm very protective of my heart so he won't get it fully until I know for sure he deserves it. I will not go to Nigeria with him at this point, no way. Not until I understand more about his family situation. I'm still getting to know him, just don't want to waste my time.

shelylilly:
Lets be sincere to ourselves, there are bad eggs among the white men likewise among the blacks
or Nigerians, why should all these white ladies think Nigerian are scammers or liers? there are bad men even
among the white men themselves, nobody can decide for you, you are the one to have a deep thought,
call your man ask him again for the last time, to tell the the truth he has been hiding for you,
but for somebody who wants you to come to africa to meet his family and see for youselves, i dont think
he has anything to hide, but if he once had a relationship, if you go with him, you can request to go to registry
together and confirm ,
if he intends travelling home and hes ready to take u along on every trip, i dont think hes hiding from you,
only Nigerians have been labelled and people find it hard to trust,
if you truely love him, keep your love life going, and time will tell, but dont let anyone decide for you,
people with bitter experience will always give you wrong advice

Thanks for your opinion hun. Some heartfelt advice there. I needed to hear that.

Jenifa_:
check these out:

"Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high."
"Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make all of them yourself"

I agree whole-heartedly, but getting too old to waste my time on having "experiences" so I have the attitude that I have no problem walking away from a situation that isn't working but I do like to exhaust all opportunities to make it work.

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 11:34pm On Jul 26, 2011

REALITY101:
What's African American? A kind of food?

I see someone has a sense of humor, google it

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 10:56pm On Jul 26, 2011

REALITY101:
AA girl- - - as in blood group? *frown*

LOL, umm African-American dear

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 9:55pm On Jul 26, 2011

Mynd_44:
The guy actually invited you to come home and meet his people, girl that is a big deal and a guy who wants pappers would do that

I agree with you and that's why I'm asking. Really for all of those who have replied on this thread who are offended by the question and think that I'm implying that all Nigerian men are scammers I'm sorry and I know it might seem offensive. But there are only a few things that could give me a greater sense of security in this whole situation and meeting his family could be one of them so I would like to know how big a deal that is.

Not being all that familiar with the culture, I'm just curious as to whether people think the family could/would be willing and capable of covering up for him. If it is acceptable to force someone into sham marriage, just to "save face" to me that is quite deceptive, maybe not as deceptive as lying about being married but still pretty shady.

But before the naysayers on this thread start jumping up and down, again I'm not saying that all Nigerian men are bad, or that this type of stuff doesn't happen in other cultures. I have plenty of male family members who are straight up dogs and terrible husbands to their wives. There are bad apples in every bunch.

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 7:36pm On Jul 26, 2011

For the record I love Nigerian people and culture and I don't like following such stereotypes, for the same reason I don't like when African or Caribbean people have stereotypes about me because I'm a southern African American female, cannot believe the buffoonery that you see on BET.

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 7:32pm On Jul 26, 2011

OKKK, so the real reason I don't know if I can trust him is because I found out that a few years ago when he visited home a woman apparently put something funny in his drink that caused him to pass out and when he woke up he was in bed with her, didn't remember anything about the night before or how he got there. Fast forward a few months, the girl claimed to be pregnant with his child. The girls parents and his parents forced him to "marry" the woman, but it wasn't a "legal" marriage because he refused to do so until he found out the paternity of the baby. So the marriage was just to save face. To make a long story short, he found out a short while later that the girl was lying about the whole thing because she lost the baby and confessed what she had done. Then he supposedly got whatever marriage ceremony or whatever he went through annulled.

Now is it just me or does this sound like a great plot for a movie? huh

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 7:15pm On Jul 26, 2011

desertboom:
I have been on Nairaland for 5years now and I've also read alot of post/comment by foreigners. The average European or American thought is always; Can I trust him? Is he out for my Green card? I think he's a fraud/scammer? I can't trust him because he's a Nigerian. Even if the foreigner claim to love you he/she will also think of the above mentioned @poster. No offense intended Just trying to state some fact. Please, love your man and forget about hearsay and media propaganda. Good luck. . . .

It's not that I want to have doubts, why would I want to allow the seeds of doubt to creep into my mind? What normal person would want to be in that position? I would prefer if it's either black or white. Either he is being truthful or he isn't. Unfortunately I'm stuck in the gray. I would be happy if I didn't have any reasons to question his motives. But the fact of the matter is that I do, and I'm aware that something about his story isn't quite right. It is not just because of stereotypes, nor do I think every Nigerian man is out for a green card or is a scammer.

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 10:39pm On Jul 25, 2011

190:
[color=#990000]OP - I hope u know dating a NIGERIAN DUDE is like [i]PURCHAS[/i]ING THE BIGGEST DIL[i]D[/i]O in the world

[/color]

Thanks for enlightening me

Romance › Re: Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 10:26pm On Jul 25, 2011

kokoye:
You are on the wrong forum sweetie: prepare for a heartbreak.

If you truly value your relationship, I will advice you to delete this thread as soon as you can.

Every relationship is a risk . . dont base yours on other people's (saddists') experiences.

Take this from a married man in the United States.

Not basing my relationship on others experiences but just having a good think about it and considering all factors so I can make informed decisions.

desertboom:
Why the Nigeria guy always?People always take a Nigerian to be a scammer, thief or a green card hunter. Oh. . . God please help Nigeria

Really where he is from is not that relevant, if there is some truth to it, it could happen in any culture,

Romance › Aa Gal - Knowing The Truth About A Naija Guy by smootheb(op): 9:27pm On Jul 25, 2011

So I'm an AA female who is dating a Naija guy and we've had a mostly smooth, fun relationship. I like him and want it to work but at the same time have many question marks about his true intentions towards me. His career keeps him quite busy and he is super hard-working but he always makes time for me. He's only been here a few years and claims that he has his green card.

I have some reasons to think it wouldn't be out of this world to find out that he does have a girlfriend or wife back home or is hiding something else from me because he does travel back home 3-4 times per year, and I know he was in a relationship with someone last year. He tells me his trips home are for business. I already told him that if things get really serious I would not accept him traveling back home that frequently - without me - so that he needs to bear that in mind if he wants be with me.

He has no problems bringing me around his friends, and I've met a few family members so far who were cordial/polite towards me. He has family members that will be visiting in a few months and he says that he's told them about me and wants me to meet them. When I ask him if he really is hiding something from me in terms of having a girl back home, he gets a bit upset and keeps inviting me to come visit and see for myself what he does when he goes home. I don't feel comfortable yet to just hop on a plane and visit by myself.

Does meeting the whole family give me any reason to feel more secure about his intentions? When a guy is after a green card or something is it common for the whole family to be in on it - does it matter if they are devout Christians? Do you think he would offer up to bring me back home if he had anything to hide now?

I really hate stereotypes but you hear lots of horror stories. What are the best ways to find out if he is being truthful?

Romance › Re: Man Wants A Baby: So Soon! by smootheb(op): 5:08pm On Jun 30, 2011

tpia@:
unfortunately, if it seems green card related, then it probably is.

sorry.

aka anchor baby which actually is a derogatory term.

LOL. You know, anything is possible and unfortunately I love him but can't rule any possibility out. I think the best thing is just time and patience.

Romance › Re: Man Wants A Baby: So Soon! by smootheb(op): 5:04pm On Jun 30, 2011

Nekai:
Don't sell yourself short. You want the record to show that you two made the decision together to get married first.

When will the two of you get married? The day your pregnancy is discovered? The day the doctor confirms the pregnancy? The day the doctor performs the baby's in depth sonogram? The day you give birth to a healthy baby? The day that baby becomes old enough to prove that he/she isn't deaf or blind? The day the baby proves his/her intelligence by graduating high school?

All of you are right on that. Honestly I thought maybe it was just a cultural thing (Yoruba). But there is more investigating and getting to know each other that needs to take place. I just got caught up in the moment somewhat, started to make me have a little baby fever too I guess which I've never felt. I think I'm ready for a child but only in the right situation. And no way I want to walk down the aisle with some big protruding belly.

Romance › Re: Why So Much Hating On Naija Babes! by smootheb(f): 9:24pm On Jun 29, 2011

Men in a lot of (Black) cultures usually have something negative to say about their own ladies. I'm from the Caribbean, and Jamaican men are always trash talking Jamaican women and running after African American women. Haitian men trash talk Haitian women and go after Hispanic women. Etc. etc, and it's always the same thing, "women in my culture are too: crazy, loud, disrespectful, materialistic, gold diggers, fat, scheming, lazy, " I think people just get tired of what they are used to and think the grass is greener on the other side, and maybe for them personally it winds up being so because they've convinced themselves that is the case. Seems to be a common thread across the diaspora!

Romance › Re: Man Wants A Baby: So Soon! by smootheb(op): 5:44pm On Jun 29, 2011

Says he has one (greencard) and that info can be verified if need be so,

Romance › Re: Man Wants A Baby: So Soon! by smootheb(op): 4:36pm On Jun 29, 2011

You are right, it's definitely putting too much of the control over what happens in his hands. Never tried birth control because I have heard that it causes side effects, weight gain, etc. angry

But probably the pill is the way to go though I think he'll be against it because he swears he knows what he is doing, but I need to be in control of what happens to my body.

Romance › Man Wants A Baby: So Soon! by smootheb(op): 2:57pm On Jun 29, 2011

I'm an American girl dating a Naija guy in the US and everything in our relationship is good. We get along well and our personalities mesh. I love him, he's all that I want in a partner and I try to be all that he wants as well. It's still a relatively new relationship.

He's definitely in the mode of settling down, career which he loves, finishing up advanced degrees and he wants to purchase a home soon. I believe he wants a future with me, but he's REALLY open to the idea of getting me pregnant, he is very much like if it happens it happens, but I think he is hoping it does.

I have never been pregnant and I don't want to have a child out of wedlock. I told him that if it does happen I'd have a hard choice to face because I'm 28 and certainly don't want to have any abortion at this age but I don't want a child out of wedlock so unless he's ready for marriage we shouldn't be taking the risks we do. To that he says that yes we would get married soon after if pregnancy occurred and that it doesn't take long to get married it wouldn't be a big deal. But he seems to be more interested in possibly having a child right now than getting married, he knows of married couples where the woman couldn't conceive so I guess he's wary of that? He knows I'm healthy and never had any abortions so hopefully he doesn't have any impotency issues either!

Is it normal for a guy in his early 30s to know so fast that he wants a woman to be the mother of his child? Do you guys just wake up one day and the fatherhood bug catches you, LOL.

Would it not be a shameful thing for him to tell his family (who I haven't met yet) but might they think "this fast American girl got pregnant." My family would be upset but issue mitigated if we got married.

Is it customary for a man to only meet his girl's parents when they are ready for engagement, and vice versa?

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