₦airaland Forum

I'm curious that you're quite disturbed by your dilemma to the point of being depressed. Ordinarily, I wouldn't expect such a situation as yours to make you depressed except it involves some serious measure of helplessness over a certain aspect of the whole case. This warrants some questions: Are you truly a virgin in the most complete undiluted sense of the word? If yes, is your being one a result of your own deliberate, fully considered choice? What's your taste in men? All these questions have wide ramifications. For instance, consider the last question: it's a recipe for sure psychic agony if you're indeed an absolute virgin but you find yourself desiring men with such physical and Personality profile that cannot endure the least abstinence from sex. I could go on and on, but this is definitely not the place for such analysis.

Here's my email: sammyati25@gmail.com.

Hello Krissconnect,
I suspect you have a personality problem which has some features of BORDERLINE PERSONALITY and NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY. Of course I can't be sure as this would have to be confirmed through psychological assessment. Something is not right with the way you process interpersonal information (the way you evaluate your interaction with others) and the expectations and goals you form in and towards relationship. There are some psychological techniques that can used to assist you in understanding yourself better and improving your relationship with ohers. I would recommend you see a SOUND and COMPETENT psychologist.

Michellekabod2, I'm going to address your very interesting self-revelation in detail (I'm afraid in too much a detail that may scare you). But even then, I won't be able to cover all the relevant and vital angles and depths pertinent to the concerns you've raised in sincere faith. I dearly hope all my effort won't go in vain by you, for whatever reason, not getting to read this. This is my first ever comment on this platform and it'd be very disappointing to have the person it's meant for missed it.

I'm going to approach my treatment of your existential dilemma in three parts. First part - I'll try to analyse your original post intricately, examining all the critical statements and wordings, and making some conjectures and relevant inferences alongside. Second part - I'll address your headline question ("I easily lose interest in guys. Will I regret this?" and your final question ("I want to walk away. Will I regret this?". Third part - Will consist of my concluding remark in which also I'll pretend to offer some general comforting advice.

Before I launch into my task as outlined above, I'd like to make some general opening remarks and thereby whet your appetite for what is to come later. First, the overall impression I came off with from absorbing both the spirit and letters of your post was that, potentially, you're a thoroughly original individual (though this is a tautology as there can be no originality of personality without a nurtured individuality). And this quality alone should be enough to recommend you to the attention of any sensible and sensitive mind. But as you'd come to discover (in case you're not yet aware), you have more than just one quality speaking to your exceptionality. More on this as I dig deeper...

PART ONE - A CRITICAL LOOK INTO YOUR POST
1. "I have spent MOST of my life single." With this opening statement I'm left with many questions on my mind. Does it mean you've been in a relationship(s) before, no matter how flitting? Nothing else in your post suggests you have, except the intimacy of friendship. Another pertinent question concerns your age. How old are you? (take this as rhetorical question). There is another question born from the 'tone' underlying the statement opening this paragraph; when you said you have spent most of your life single, I'm wondering with what attitude you made this statement - is it in the voice of someone who sees this as a worthy achievement or of someone who is lamenting? You see, all three questions each have their significance and implications both in the now and in the long-term. Unfortunately, time and space would forbid I explore them.

2. "I TRIED linking up with people but to NO AVAIL." This is the point all those who have tagged you negatively missed. You see, it is difficult for we humans to understand anything and anyone that is not sufficiently like us let alone one who is nothing like us. The more less like others an individual is, the greater the aversion inspired in people (Gays are a good case in point). Interestingly, this is actually a protective factor in our history and it is deeply ingrained in our genes. One could, thus, not cast much blame without falling into the same moral (though biological) 'weakness'. The quote opening this paragraph tells me that your experience of "easily losing interest in guys" is not something borne of choice but of something more deeper, more deterministic, more beyond your easy manipulation. This is why most of our personal struggles (against our better and worst selves) are the highest instance of the tragic comedy that is life. Wisdom is revealed in such simple acts as 'acceptance without redundancy' - to accept a disagreeable aspect of yourself without giving up to a mental state of inaction. One staves off guilt and shame while the latter keeps self-degeneration at bay.

3. "Is all my fault." This complete shouldering of responsibility, though not wholly objective, is admirable. To assume responsibility for our own conscious and 'voluntary' experiences is the hallmark of moral and intellectual fortitude. I suspect that someone of your unique psychological and emotional mold would have been justified in looking at the rest of your 'ordinary' fellow 'worldlers' and cast them with a look of contempt and condescension. You wouldn't have been much wrong if you had judged them for their 'petty shortsightedness' and 'superficiality of judgment'. Rather, you chose to direct your moral compass inwards and by so doing demonstrating a capacity for reflection and introspection. But in truth, it is far less your fault than you think. And were we to duly apportion blames, the arm of reasoned justice will indict a 'world' unkind to anything or anyone 'different'.

4. "I lose interest easily." While this tendency isn't exactly something to be proud of, it is often a manifestation of our unique psychological configuration. This can be very worrisome on a personal level because it always leads us towards the path of forced disengagement with what or those we truly admire or who truly admire us. It creates a cycle of anxiety in which we worry about potential (and indeed desirable) connections with others before, during, and after encountering them. The only thing is this anxiety is many times based not on false thinking but sound induction from past experiences and self-knowledge. There is one thing you should know though: this inability to sustain interest in something or someone can either be a strength or a weakness depending on how it's harnessed and deployed. The secret to this delicate balance is 'expectation' - what are your expectations and how do you manage them?

5. "I don't know why." I just have to highlight the simple honesty reflected in this simple admission. And actually, it is the very truth. Many of the things we feel, think, and do, are far beyond our ability to explain to any degree of accuracy. The forces within and without shaping and determining our course in life are just too innumerable for our pretentious and petty minds to grasp to any sensible extent. But the pretense is good for sanity and constructing meaning (more like personal myth). If you're the reading sort (and it'd be indeed unfortunate if you aren't) I should like to recommend the book MINDWISE by Nicholas Epley for further education and edification along this line. Admitting we do not know is often the beginning of any meaningful journey into enlightenment, either of the self or of the world we live in.

6. "I FIND MYSELF having to ghost the guy that I was head over heels for." This statement tells me that your struggle with keeping it going with any guy has less to do with lack of sincere and genuine emotional connection but more to do with the 'lifespan' of your feelings (if and when sparked). This relates to the point raised in paragraph 4. 'Interest' is the 'life' of any MEANINGFUL engagement. Any thing left after 'interest' is gone is nothing but lifeless shadow. To therefore continue to stay on with interest having dissipated is to invite feelings contrary to what was originally felt, feelings such as resentment, frustration, meaninglessness, and so on. The difference between you and most others is that they are never really sure if and when they have lost interest in something or someone. And as you must know, one of the most potent weapon against action (positive or negative) is uncertainty. Nothing spurs and sustains action and resolve like certainty. I thus reckon that in your case, you're hardly ever in doubt once the bug of 'disinterest' hits your core. In such moment, to not "ghost" the guy will, in the long run, be worse than doing so. And a sensible guy will not force you to persist if he has any ounce of interest in preserving his aura and impeccability of character in your reckoning.

8. "I...chose to be single." This is a fine statement and I think it partially answers the third of the three questions I posed in the first paragraph. It is a self-affirming statement which also explains why you'd assume responsibility for whatever happens in your quest to unravel the mystery that is your 'self'. Please never let anybody shakes your confidence in the sanity and wisdom of that choice. I know (or perhaps I hope) that it is a choice for the present and not necessarily for all time. It is often more difficult for a woman to opt for singleness and romantic disentanglement while still living in a world suffused with phoney and easy affections. To assume this posture without hypocrisy and regret is one of the evidences of feminine strength of character.

9. "Each conversation we have all seems anew like we're starting all over." This is the first indication of the nature of your desire and the kind of ideal you aspire to in your involvement with a man. You seem to thirst for something novel amidst a reality that is so mundane and static; perhaps you long for an interpersonal engagement that is dynamic, refreshing, edifying, and regenerative. This need for novelty, freshness, newness can sometimes be threatened with permanence or ownership which most relationships tend towards. How do you then maintain this delicate balance between a feeling responsive only to 'newness' and the need to constantly keep in touch with the external source of this feeling? I won't pretend I have an answer to this. But may I recommend yet another biography to you. Go and read about the lifetime romance (a strange type which I have no doubt you won't have problem relating with) between these two first class french philosophers - Paul Sartre and Simon De Beauvoir.

10. "It's almost ten months and the FIRE is still intense." The word 'fire' is an interesting metaphor to use. It betrays a reservoir of passion probably greater than any possessed by most girls but with perhaps this difference - that it is tempered with sensible ideals borne less of reason than of a nature unique. Your uniqueness lies not much in your difficulty bonding with most guys at all or for long but more in the scarcity of the type of guys endowed with the right combination of attributes and capacities capable of exciting the fire of your passion and sustaining it forever. This type of man that can realize the dream specified by your unique personality exists, but to find him you will have to earn it as you'd have to measure up (in a sense) to him. The more rare the kind of man or woman we desire for ourselves the more we'd have to strive to set ourselves above common grounds and sentiment. Here, you need to sincerely examine yourself and ask yourself: If you happen to eventually meet the 'ideal' (in a very strictly defined sense) man for you, would you be able to confidently and truthfully consider yourself fit for him? A good book to teach you this lesson is one written by Ayn Rand (a woman like you but with a male hero) titled FOUNTAINHEAD.

11. "I just figured out I want to end the friendship." Before I comment directly on this quote, let me say this: sometimes, the most rewarding and edifying type of relationship is found in friendship. And it is the most ideal type of relationship for deeply independent souls. So back to the quote; in spite of the "JOY", the "fire", the "awesomeness", and his "differentness", you still feel the need to retreat? This suggests to me two things, maybe three. First, that you're afflicted with a tendency toward melancholy (a contemplative and reflective disposition coupled with low energy) which makes you desire a period of retreat into your personal space after every attempt to venture into 'tasking' regions beyond and outside the 'self' (If this is correct at all, you might need to task your physical body more in recreational activities). Second, that this fantastic guy who somehow managed to touch and "change' something in you was not quite the complete package you aspire to. And third, perhaps you ruined this particular one by immersing yourself too much in it and thus exhausting your limited reserve of psychic (emotional and physical) energy. Sometimes we are so deprived of something that we gobble ourselves sick the moment we find it. You might need to consider cultivating virtues like self-discipline and delaying gratification - to learn to take a sip rather than a gulp even in your most parched condition.

12. "My conscience will not." Conscience is a double-edged sword - it troubles the soul yet offers the hope of redemption and transcendence. Redemption, not from guilt or shame (for you would seem to have no just reason to suffer from these) but from the risk of slipping gradually into the slough of despondence and the abyss of cynicism (i.e to give up hope of a meaningful and fulfilling existence). And you "wonder how he'll feel." Which tells me that in spite of your apathy and disdain for romance or long-term emotional investment, your inner emotional world is rich in sensitivities. This is the intersection where conscience provokes guilt and guilt shame and shame the search for forgiveness. But with the richness of your inner world, transcendence is a possibility through the instruments of sincerity of heart and openness of mind.

PART TWO
I have wasted so much words and time (both absolutely necessary) on the first part and yet I did not succeed in saying a quarter of what I'd like to say. I'll address the issues for this second part more directly and shelve the third part, perhaps. The two questions are intricately connected and are both underlined by the same concern - the fear of regret. I have partly addressed these two questions on my journey down to this point. So I'll only say very little here and now.
1. The first question: "I easily lose interest in guys, will I regret this?" You'll only regret this if you fail to be open and revealing to each and every guy you have to deal with when it comes to the peculiarity and the impermanence of your emotional energy. When you allow selfish considerations to preclude you from revealing upfront the emotional limit and constraint you're working with at the beginning of any meaningful interaction with a guy, you set the guy up for nursing a false hope which you're bound to disappoint. And because you have an active conscience, guilt and sadness become inevitable. In most cases, 'warning' most guys will make them even admire you more at first and perhaps not believe you (because of their belief that they are special enough to make you feel differently). But they won't be able to justly accuse you of deceiving and using them ill and your conscience can rest in peace. NB: I hope to address the question of 'selfishness' in more detail further down, hopefully.

2. Your second question: "I want to walk away. Will I regret this?" I need to say this; often time, a preoccupation with regret following a contemplated or executed action is a sign of moral immaturity. I have a feeling that there is still much you need to learn in the realm of moral reasoning. Your moral instinct is strong but still somewhat naive for lack of proper education. Your question raises another curious question; why do you want to walk away? (yes, I know you said you lost interest). And why the fear of regret of walking away? Have you taken advantage of this guy in any unfair way? Have you used him to satisfy some emotional and material needs? Or have you been willing recipient of many acts of generosities from him? Have you raised his hope knowing fully well it'll soon be dashed? What exactly is the germ behind your fear of regret Michellekabod2? Of course, I wouldn't know. However, if you're guilty of any of the omissions or commissions raised in those rhetorical questions, it will constitute an instance of the selfishness I mentioned earlier. If not, then "walking away" should not breed any regret in you. But "walking away", you have to do it properly and responsibly. You don't just "walk away" from people who have touched you and brought you "joy" and kindled "fire" in you. Yes, maybe this fact makes you feel like an ingrate and you're afraid that telling them how you feel (a very difficult feat in itself) will make them want to convince you otherwise and in the process be exposed to further displaying the rigidity of your decision to call it quit. Well, those are secondary considerations.

In "walking away", you need not make it final in tone. You might construe it as a recurrent need to disengage and "keep in touch" with your self. You must acknowledge to him all he has been to you and has triggered in you while letting him know your decision to let your foot of the gas and pull back has nothing to do with him. Most likely he will struggle to understand your ramblings and stuttering and end up drawing a conclusion not very kind to you. But again this is a secondary consideration as long as he cannot validly accuse you of using him. Next time, the moment you observe that an encounter with a guy is assuming a more intimate and confiding form, be quick to sensitize the guy to all the peculiarities and uncertainties of your person. Meanwhile keep working on your extraordinary 'self' as you do have a lot to work on - but then who doesn't?

I have decided to shelve the third part. I have penned this response for myself as much as for you.
Already I apologize for the extraordinary 'brevity' of my comment. I'm sure this has to be a record on Nairaland.

NB: I would probably adjust a significant portion of all I have written above with the benefit of more concrete information about your person. But seeing that I have to work with a severely insufficient material, many of my inferences and conjectures are inevitably going to be off track here and there. I therefore expect you to read it (If you could stomach the bizarre length) with a personal but objective filter. I assume responsibility for any wrong assumption and imputations to your person and character. I have written all in good faith and hope you'll find something useful in it as I thoroughly enjoyed typing it.

You can reach me here: sammyati25@gmail.com