₦airaland Forum

classictechbuzz:
God bless you for this bro.. I believe awesome reward awaits

Well done Op

There will NEVER be an excuse for her estranged husband's behaviour. I feel sad for the innocent children he does not seem to want nor does he want their mother to care for them.

Beautiful work hairstylist.

[quote author=Jahblessme post=48921393]@twinkleme
This is nairaland,people will tell your mother (a grieving widow) to carry goat and cow and go and beg your husband's people.There will also be war room mentions.

Anyway it all depends on you,your character and what matters to you.I would say focus on burying your father and press ignore button on anyother thing.

I've done the love in-laws as your parents and siblings thing, I have flown the flag and finally burnt it.
1. Your in-laws are different people,they are not your parents neither are they your siblings you cannot love them overnight.Most will NEVER ever treat you with the same love and care they shower on their own son or sibling simply because we are humans and will always have a bias.I do not know what gives people the expectation that love suddenly blooms out from nowhere for someone who you've just known from a spouse whether they treat you nicely or not.Infact on NL you are told to love harder especially when you are Ill treated.

I believe relationships like this can be well managed,some people are naturally predisposed to loving and pursuing relationships while some others cannot be bothered. How many husbands are required to love their wives parents and siblings with the same force that keeps on being pushed on to the females?? I find it ridiculous.

I advocate for having an open mind when meeting in-law and then adjusting emotionally based on treatment.
There should be a chance to get to know and then form an opinion on how to move forward not suddenly force love and castigate you if you are not dying on the altar of inlaw.Now if you are accepted openly ,no horrid treatment won't you love back? Incase of Ill treatment,its logical that you micromanage,press ignore button and be cordial.If you are a horrible person then you also should be ignored.
It's the bending backward to the extend of pretending to be who you are not that is sad.You find that when you spend time and things gel,you have things in common,the fondness comes naturally.

For your case id say no one is chained to another,if your husband is disrespectful to your people a discussion is needed on a way forward.You lay bare your point and he says his and you find a way round it.Your energy should be focused on your family,your unit not people who largely are not feeding or clothing you.If you have a great relationship with hubby,establish your boundaries with in-laws and that's it.

I'm not a person who needs to be loved or liked,i don't even have to like people to be able to be cordial or kind.I just try to be fair and polite but it's 100% clear we are not close.Respect me ,I don't need your love.There can be a good cordial relationship,there's nothing wrong with that.You don't have to be falling over each other if you know you are just do not gel.Polite,cordial and kind is the way.

My sister in law goes out of her way to be petty but I just don't bother cos she's inconsequential in the larger picture.I also give room for the fact that probably in some way unknowingly i have offended her but she never even gave me a chance,she just saw me and probably didn't like my big nose.Then a whole host of other things complicated issues.
When we enter naija I still buy stuff for her and her family and say my hellos but I don't discuss anything.Im very fine with it especially cos I'm so far away.

That's one reason why I am against blind apologies,cos you may be apologising for crimes you don't know of which will now be held against you.It happened to me when I was still doing love.I have done a total 360 in the past couple of years in the sense that I have removed myself totally from any unnecessary interaction.M y parents in-law come to mine for months and are always happy but we know we are not close.I have managed to gain respect mainly because i am sensible,an asset to my family,because their son loves me and our home is obviously happy.

So mourn and bury your father and file away others in a cabinet labeled don't bother.You can always have a cordial bi-respectful relationship without all the unnecessary adjuncts.


Thank you so much. I appreciate your advise.

Mindfulness:
First of all, my deepest condolences. It's not easy to lose a parent.

You have mentioned at the beginning of your post that you are the kind of person who likes to do things properly and I respect it but what you need to learn to respect - and that's only my opinion - is that people / families are different. What you consider appropriate is not necessarily what others consider appropriate.

Obviously, your in-laws do things differently and if I were you, I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it because from what I can see is that your differing approach to how matters should be handled is about to end in a war, which may destroy your marriage.

Learn to ignore some things and do your own thing the way you learned to do things and let them do their things their own way. It's not possible for you to train your in-laws and mould them into something else, something that pleases you.

Your husband is loyal to his family and it's a good thing and you too respect your family. Now respect that his family is different, which doesn't mean that you have to like it but it will help you accept it and focus on what you have instead of focusing on what you don't.

I hope, it helps.

Thank you.

Horsesmouth:
No apologies needed, i think she is overbearing. Im sure she is yoruba, thats how their women behave and reason. Putting her domestic quandary on social media like we give a f*ck!

Thank you horsesmouth-I am not yoruba. I put this here because I needed to hear other people's input.

freshvine:
You husband is the head and he has the final opinion in your marriage... any further argument is the beginning of the end.

Learn a man's ego. Bruise it and he start hating you. It could snowball to family issues like what you just said.

How long had your mum being with you raising your kids. If she is stationary that means she has indirectly stop your husband family members from coming too and that can spark a cold war in both family.

Your husband family is the senior partner in this marriage so it is encouraged your family do reach out to them particularly your mother asking after your welfare from her in laws. It gives a sense of comfort and tension relaxation.

If the both family is fighting... I swear you're the centre of the problem. Look inward and settle with your hubby.

Start respecting his decisions. It is his home now not your family extension with how you do things over there

Thank you-my mum was working before we encouraged her to come and assist us and leave every weekend. This was after trying three maids unsuccessfully.

Please advise on how to convince a mourning woman to call a family that does not care about her and family to ask about the welfare of her daughter's husband family.

thorpido:
You all need to make peace.You should try and reach out to your in-laws.
First talk to your husband on the need to be at peace with each other.Get your husband to also talk to his family members.
Make a call to your in-laws to greet them and since your mum is there,let her talk too when you make the call.
Find time to talk to visit your in-laws,you should do that at least once a year.

Sorry about your dad's passing.Your siblings and your mum(with other relatives) should determine how your dad should be buried.Your husband doesn't determine that.

Thank you-I use to think i had a good relationship with the family because I call most of them and I visit from time to time. Please advise how you convince a woman who lost her husband to communicate with her daughters family members who do not even greet her when they visit and did not even commiserate with her at her husband's death?

[quote author=Clone2020 post=48875997]There's always two sides to every story. OP i'm sure if your husband narrated his story, we will all sympathize with him. There has to be more to this story but of course you will portray yourself as the angel and your husband as the devil... You may not like this, but the most active demographic of nairaland users these days are 13 -19yrs old, what kind of advice do you really expect them to give you? Some of them will soon use your story as a meme; don't be surprised if one of them post something like "Your inlaws & satan are like 5 and 6" with the picture of president zuma joining both fingers and smiling sheepishly. I would advice you sit with your husband and tell him how you feel about his family's behavior towards your family. Communication is key in every relationship. If that doesn't work, then seek the services of a professional marriage counselor.
I wish you luck in your


Thank you sir-please advise on the professional marriage counselors

[quote author=Clone2020 post=48875997]There's always two sides to every story. OP i'm sure if your husband narrated his story, we will all sympathize with him. There has to be more to this story but of course you will portray yourself as the angel and your husband as the devil... You may not like this, but the most active demographic of nairaland users these days are 13 -19yrs old, what kind of advice do you really expect them to give you? Some of them will soon use your story as a meme; don't be surprised if one of them post something like "Your inlaws & satan are like 5 and 6" with the picture of president zuma joining both fingers and smiling sheepishly. I would advice you sit with your husband and tell him how you feel about his family's behavior towards your family. Communication is key in every relationship. If that doesn't work, then seek the services of a professional marriage counselor.
I wish you luck in your


Thank you sir-please advise on the processional marriage counselors.

herzern1:
This Story pass me oooh.....

Buh nevertheless..... Find favour from your In-laws....

They play a vital part in sustenance of marriage.....

#HamOut

Thank you-kindly expatiate on how to find favour with people who are ALWAYS right even when they are wrong.

Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

I appreciate your input-thank you.

shollymata:
My honest and candid response
1. Foundation of the relationship is shaky. Anything with a shaky foundation is in trouble. This must be addressed. All parties need to sheath their sword and come together. Only you and your husband can facilitate this. Until you are both ready, the status quo will continue.
2. Not all things that are discussed behind closed doors need to get out. If your husband wants your dad buried in a vault, that should be between you and him. Not for you to get a loud speaker to notify all family members about what your husband said. Point being, long after you have forgiven him, those that you have involved will not.
3. Your family bond was evaded too early. In marriage, the husband and wife need to bond first, and become a solid unit, before you allow any family interference. Don't forget that your husband lived with his family for 20+ years, and like wise you. It will take an extra-ordinary bond, borne out of love, and submissions, for your 2 year+ relationship to overcome all that.
Of what benefit is a "thank you" from your parent's in-law because you delivered 'your own child'? When you escalate such unimportant things in a relationship, things like this are bound to happen. Personally I think you need to redirect your energy towards making your home work, rather than analyzing the wrong doings of 3rd parties that are secondary to your marriage.
On the demise of your Dad, I sincerely commiserate with you.

shollymata:
My honest and candid response
1. Foundation of the relationship is shaky. Anything with a shaky foundation is in trouble. This must be addressed. All parties need to sheath their sword and come together. Only you and your husband can facilitate this. Until you are both ready, the status quo will continue.
2. Not all things that are discussed behind closed doors need to get out. If your husband wants your dad buried in a vault, that should be between you and him. Not for you to get a loud speaker to notify all family members about what your husband said. Point being, long after you have forgiven him, those that you have involved will not.

3. Your family bond was evaded too early. In marriage, the husband and wife need to bond first, and become a solid unit, before you allow any family interference. Don't forget that your husband lived with his family for 20+ years, and like wise you. It will take an extra-ordinary bond, borne out of love, and submissions, for your 2 year+ relationship to overcome all that.
Of what benefit is a "thank you" from your parent's in-law because you delivered 'your own child'? When you escalate such unimportant things in a relationship, things like this are bound to happen. Personally I think you need to redirect your energy towards making your home work, rather than analyzing the wrong doings of 3rd parties that are secondary to your marriage.
On the demise of your Dad, I sincerely commiserate with you.

The founfation

shollymata:
My honest and candid response
1. Foundation of the relationship is shaky. Anything with a shaky foundation is in trouble. This must be addressed. All parties need to sheath their sword and come together. Only you and your husband can facilitate this. Until you are both ready, the status quo will continue.
2. Not all things that are discussed behind closed doors need to get out. If your husband wants your dad buried in a vault, that should be between you and him. Not for you to get a loud speaker to notify all family members about what your husband said. Point being, long after you have forgiven him, those that you have involved will not.
3. Your family bond was evaded too early. In marriage, the husband and wife need to bond first, and become a solid unit, before you allow any family interference. Don't forget that your husband lived with his family for 20+ years, and like wise you. It will take an extra-ordinary bond, borne out of love, and submissions, for your 2 year+ relationship to overcome all that.
Of what benefit is a "thank you" from your parent's in-law because you delivered 'your own child'? When you escalate such unimportant things in a relationship, things like this are bound to happen. Personally I think you need to redirect your energy towards making your home work, rather than analyzing the wrong doings of 3rd parties that are secondary to your marriage.
On the demise of your Dad, I sincerely commiserate with you.

1. Thank you very much for your input. The foundation use to be very strong until two years ago.
2. My husband suggested burying my Dad in a vault after depositing his body at the mortuary cause he felt that will be a befitting burial and that it doesn't matter what the grave people do with his body to my elder brother-I was not there but my brothers felt it was insensitive of him to have made such sugestion.

3. I have been married for about five years not two years. I heard that the reason why they have never said congratulations to my parents is because they almost had an accident when they travelled back after our wedding. As mentioned in my post, me and my family did not know until about two years ago. I do keep in touch with my husband's family especially his parents and do the little best I can do.

It's quite unfortunate that just when I spoke to my mum about the need for peace-I lost my Dad

Hello everyone, i had to create a new profile to write this story in order to get your mature and genuine advise on this issue which will be appreciated. I will try to answer your questions while also making the narration short.

Husband- I'm married to a nice and pleasant man who up to two years ago was my friend and anchor but today he's a different person in many ways but this story is not about him.

Me-I'm an average person who tries to live life the best way I can. My MAJOR flaws according to my husband is that I like things being done right as much as possible. For examples,; if we have plan to do anything-savings, paying school fees, keeping secrets, etc. I expect us to live up to our word on such matters except we both agree to change things. My husband feels I am difficult and impossible because I won't condone wrong doing and i like things being done appropriately.(i understand mistakes but not persistent wrong doing).

My family-we are generally independent and so for example since I got married, my people has not requested any form of monetary assistance from my husband and they don't visit much except they come to assist or see my mum who stays with us to care for our child...

My husband's family-he is the youngest of the family. They are all older and in their up bringing older onse are ALWAYS right no matter what.

Issue-since I got married and put to bed twice, my husband's family has NEVER called my parents (before or after the wedding) to acknowledge this or thank them. When I was wondering what the issue is "my husband said his parents almost had an accident when they travelled back home after our wedding and that my parents did not call them (none of us me or my family members was aware of this until about two years ago). Right now, unfortunately, I lost my Dad who came to see us and the grandchild I just had...My husband dropped him at a bus stop he's suppose to take a bus home from-he died in an accident on his way home. Now, my in-laws have still not called mum and my husband expect me to have a good relationship with his family or else he will be worse than he is. It is so bad that his elder brother came to the house and did not greet my mum, this is not the first time and my husband said he spoken with him about it.


Please advise how you will handle this situation as a man or woman.

Also, is marriage about becoming a slave to one's husband's family?
How do you have a good relationship with a family who does not acknowledge your family?

By the way, my husband suggested burying my Dad in a vault (leaving his body for the cemetery people to do whatever they like after the burial)because he felt we had a week to bury my father and this caused a major issue with my brothers who felt hurt by his statement in view of how my Dad died. Since then, he said my brothers has been direspecting him-one of them has never even been to my house since I got married.

Forgive the typos.

Seun and co please move this to front page.

I'm cc chaircover and co