LVStone:
Hello everyone,

I am married for five years now and I love my marriage.

I have an issue and I need your advice on how to detach myself from being emotionally connected to my wife.

She mostly have mood swing and I use to have issues attending to her emotions, I want to always at each time check what exactly as gone wrong and how I can fix.

Most often I apologize because I want peace(she picks fault easily and gets angry)

The worst is that we do have sex but we mostly don't make love;

My wife hates being romantic, I can't play with my wife's breasts or buttocks, 90% of the times I tried she says she doesn't want.

I do ask the following questions

1. Am I not attractive?
2. Don't you have emotional attachment to me?
3. Why did you marry me if 1&2 are yes?
4. Is there something I did wrong?
5. Are you thinking about something?
6. Is there something i need to do?

In all she will Only say she doesn't just want it.

It happened that this evening, she was on the couch and I tried touching her best in a romantic way, she immediately changed her mood and said I should leave her as usual.

I asked her why she did that and she said that doing that will turn her on and she doesn't want to be turned on. I then asked if it was a crime for a married woman to be turned on, she said she doesn't want to be turned on because she doesn't want it to lead to sex because she doesn't want sex.

Again I have still not understood how a married woman who claims not to be having any emotional/phycological issues and no offense from the husband will avoid being romantic or being sexual with her husband.

If I need sex she gives as a duty, but I need more than sex, I need a romantic contact mind you i dont have extramarital affairs.

I feel very stupid, I feel like a fool, I feel I am too emotionally connected to her.

How can I stop having feelings for her? As in including sexual feelings for her? I wish I can also give her sex as a duty any day or year she needs it too.

Please I need help on how to do this.

I will appreciate mature responses without insults.

Thanks

This is the repercussions of the 50/50 bills you men have been fighting for. There is no romance without finance. Just as men are wired to cheat, women are wired to be turned on by money.

If you want romance in your marriage, be ready to provide 100%. You cannot expect her to share bills with you and then want to come and “play with her b00bs”, it won’t work. A providing man is a sexy man. Anytime she sees you she will want to jump your bones.

Argue with your ancestors!!

aisha1314:
Is it ok that I regularly tell people I don't ever want children because pregnancy and motherhood disgust me to the core?
Can I spit at people who judge me?

This is self awareness at its peak. Kudos!!

dre11:


https://thenationonlineng.net/outrage-in-enugu-as-catholic-priest-flogs-women-choir-members/

Not everyone walking around is mentally stable!!

DeDonniesHomes:
The third wave of modern feminism started about 30 years ago and some of the most vociferous female voices who pioneered it then, are the same female voices presently speaking against it.
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They’ve now become older wo.men who can see that their sons growing into full-fledged adults will be subjected to the same mess they created. And they obviously don’t want that for them.
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We all know that the intent of feminism is good but it is presently being abused by some wo.men who exploit the system to their advantage.
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Whatever good or vice we introduce into society always comes back to us either in person or indirectly.
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An easy way to understand this is mothers-in-law versus daughters-in-law saga
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Many of these mothers-in-law were once daughters-in-law who complained about their own mothers-in-law
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Then, they made claims that they wouldn’t behave that way when they became mothers-in-law
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But today, they are giving their daughters-in-law sege pro max and vice versa
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Some of them didn’t give their mothers-in-law peace, and now they are getting the same from their daughters-in-law
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That’s how it works
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Let’s go back to our topic
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The next generation of wives and mothers are watching and learning how the present generation is bringing "other men's children" home and vehemently fighting against DNA (please permit me to express it this way)
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Though some of us down-play DNA and make it appear like it is only a tiny percentage of wo.men that bring home the fruits of their extra-marital escapade,
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We all know it’s a lie
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The recent discovery of the MKO family that reveals that only 55 out of his 103 children are his biological kids is a testament to this (as claimed by Reno Omokri on X, formally called Twitter)
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Thus, 48 of them (46.6%) are not his children. That’s outrageous!
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The present generation of wives and mothers are models that the next generation will emulate
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And who will be the victims?
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Their sons, Yes! The sons of present mothers
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The standards you set, and the system you create will return to either make or mar you.
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The wealth you inherited from that innocent man and passed down to the "other man's child" will be squandered by the bast.ards your promiscuous daughters-in-law will also bring home
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So, let’s do better
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The earlier we all embrace DNA, the better for all of us.
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Don’t be deceived, God is not mocked.
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Sooner or later, we will reap the fruits of the seeds we are presently sowing.

~ Donald Karo

What has feminism got to do with DNA tests?

What a bunch of nonsense!!!

Kindheartedd:
My husband is making it difficult for me to train my children, we can't agree and he is not ready to do his part, he says daily it is my responsibility but he is frustrating that responsibility he said is solely mine. They disregard instructions, and are very hard to stay calm. teachers are complaining, we changed location and their new teachers are complaining already.

When I say no phones or tablets, he insists they go ahead with their gadgets, he'd say am disregarding his orders. Last month, I had to break one of the tablets as they have been on it for over 5 hours!!! and he keeps asking them to continue when I say stop. He frustrates my efforts trying to teach them simple things, he'd say am taking too much time. Hey, this he says every time, if he comes home and sees me with them trying to read or solve simple maths, he complains it's enough. He prefers they waste their time on phones or tablets. It is now so bad that if I don't hold USB cord my kids will not obey. This struggle has started since age 4 or since I can remember them trying to walk. Becuase it started with him speaking babbles or unknown language and when I say no, he is expected to speak well for them to earn from him, he'd argue. That escalated to my only son having delayed speech and my husband continued to babble to a 6 year old boy. Some family members rebuked him but he'd say who are they. I had to start praying against him as I see him as the problem before he stopped babbling.

I started employing teachers to teach them as I am always busy and don't meet up to help them often as I desired, but he opposed it vehemently. He argued like he was going to pay, I told him the expenses are on me but said it was waste of money and most times he'd hurry the teachers to go before their time was up.

Last night, I had informed the kids today would be a no-gadget day, and that they should read, they are on holiday here already and I bought books for them to read and scheduled an outdoor activity for them. My husband condemned the swimming activity and say it was a waste of money and that they should play at home or wait for when they can have it for free.

I am not where I want to be, I struggled a lot in my life and all I got was the basics, and I am thankful but I want them to have the extras, the more I couldn't get as a child but my husband is frustrating every effort. I do not ask for his help in all these, all I want is cooperation or stop instigating these little ones before it is too late to get them to obey simple instructions, get use to doing things right, or follow guidelines.

He even faults assignments, like how? He just believes after school children should play and play. I cant simply ask my children to follow rules, he wants us to live as we like and with no order.

I don't even know the place of the law in my case, am so tired of his way of life, I struggle to get things fix at home. I had to remind him several times, shout or do things all by myself most times when am tired. Oh, it's been a rough ride with this man.

One of my children is really laid back, he had speech delay, and of course affected him with reading and many things, you all can imagine my struggle alone. I need help, my life has been a struggle, and I don't want these kids to go through the same but he is not getting it.

I can't agree to his slow-motion life, no way.

I am frustrated. If you have passed through this as a woman, how are you managing it well? If you think he is complaining because of his money, no. All the expenses are on me, I don't trouble him for money at all, not even a share of it.

I think your husband’s behavior is as a result of his own childhood trauma. Maybe he has a very rigid childhood that affected his self esteem and he doesn’t want the same for his kids.

Also, your children sound young, how old are they? Sometimes all they need is to grow up!!! My own kids almost gave me HBP and I swear, I used to wish I didn’t have kids. Sometimes kids are just that way, and it may not necessarily be because of you.

Also, why did you buy the iPads for them?. My kids didn’t even have iPads until my oldest turned 10. Now if I tell them to drop their devices, they have other things to do. For this summer and I made a list of activities with over 5 hours of screen time daily. They happily comply with it because they know they will eventually get to use their electronics. I refused to buy some extremely distracting things like PS5 and other games. I will not use my hand and give my children temptations!

As for your husband, have you ever had a deep conversation about this with him? Have you calmly explained to him why you have all these rules? Some men just see our rules as “wickedness”, especially when they had wicked mothers themselves. Also, some men just do not understand how frustrating unruly kids can be.

My husband used to do the same until he started seeing their unruly side. Because of work schedules, he’s hardly home alone with them, before he gets back they are tired from the day’s madness and I’m done with my “shouting” for the day, so he never really understood how bad it was. Until his work schedule changed and he spent more time at home with them.

Everybody wants well-behaved kids, he just needs to understand the reason for your actions. Also, how do you go about talking to them or trying to discipline them? Do you use harsh words, loud voice, do you beat them? You need to be their friend if you want them to listen to you.

If your husband keeps being a problem, then stop telling him your plans for them. You don’t need him to pay for the swimming so why ask for his permission. Some men are just laid back and never want to do anything. You can’t keep trying to get his cooperation when you know he will only discourage you.

But trust me, You can never have perfect kids no matter how much you try. You may think if you and your husband get it all right they will be perfect, but they may not be. I know from my own experience. Even at their age, they still trouble the life out of me. But it is better now than it was when they were much younger. So give it time, and don’t ever give up setting rules for them, teaching them discipline, focus, respect e.t.c

As for your husband, you let him be the way he is. You let him get away with not playing his role and you need to stop it. We women think if we are gentle withe they will use their common sense and learn, but most time they see our gentility as an enabler. Force him to do what he’s supposed to do and if he refuses, make a while lot of trouble for him. Let him know that the alternative to not playing his role is trouble. Don’t ever step in for him, not even once. Teach him to figure out that his duty is his alone. Some men are still kids at heart, and you have to treat them like kids. I know it’s unfair, but that is just the reality.

Treadway:
nope

Totally understood the sarcasm. I pointed you to Gerrard59 post where he showed you that there is an account that the madam was physically violent toward him.

And I asked and still ask, why are the females on here except maybe ishilove all feigning ignorance to the fact that she was violent? Also how do we/you know if it wasn't madam that started the physical altercation that got her slapped?

In short, I'm asking you, assuming you were in that house and you know that madam knelt on oga's neck, assaulted oga, and oga responded by getting physical as well, who is the abuser in this instance?

None of you here know for sure that she wasn't the one that got physical first! None of you even want to talk about her act of violence.

Scammish much!

So he was “defending” himself every time he beat her

dapotemi:


It is not really Stockholm syndrome per se..I did made a submission here that PARENT should start focusing on their female child, infact 60% attention should be given to them..The truth is well known, that woman, you and I know that she dey chop beating but she can't fight it, else she goes hungry..Who will pay her rent? Who will give her food? Who will train her children? If the husband is jailed, after a while she's alone, doing all this thing for herself..
When we EMPOWER her girl-child, when we have ladies who can fend for themselves and take care of their kids because they have good jobs and they're responsible member of the society, then they can FACE ANYTHING!
Can a man beat Okonjo Iweala?
Can a man beat Aisha yesufu?
Which man go fit beat Asisat oshoala?

You are right!

We also need to raise our sons to be responsible adults. What kind of woman would raise a wife beater!

sisisioge:
Of course! I knew she would beg for him and refuse to press charged . After all, the abuser is the father of her children and the husband she was fighting to keep in the first place plus the community of inlaws and religion won't have it

Anyways, the important thing is DV is now being taken seriously by the state and Jarus will always be remembered for his contributions

Exactly!!!! And people will now know that there will be consequences!

As for the wife I feel for her. Stockholm syndrome is a real thing. When she started trying to use jazz to keep him I knew she was in serious trouble. You husband cheated on you, and your answer is to jazz him. May God help us!

Procashtips:


This is coming from a place of stored hate for the guy.

I guess he offended you while he was still active on NL.

Nope, not really. I actually used to respect him and admire his love for his family. I’m just really disappointed that it was all a facade!

chidiokay:



Did your dad remarry when he became rich or he never rich ... what a lame assetion

No man marries with the intention that i will upgrade later, naa iphone abi gadget

life happens people change

People change is not enough reason to marry a second wife. Divorce your first wife and then go and find someone to suit your newly changed status. You can’t eat your cake and have it.

Nonexisting:
When it comes to her son now, you'll see her singing a different song. Domestic violence is evil but when the victim continues to stay and not move out, he or she is somehow an accomplice. You can not tell me that an innocent wife will constantly be abused and still remain in the marriage. She must somehow be an aggressor. The husband might have been enduring only that in today's story, he is the aggressor. He might have been the victim if yesterday's story was told. This is a fact people who rush to judge domestic violence don't put into consideration.

Isn’t that why he’s going to court? Let him go there and plead his case. Coming to twitter to give a one sided story will not help.

cococandy:

I don’t even know why it’s personal for them. Mtchew

They still don’t want to believe that there will now be consequences for their actions!

Chikel20000:
Who's dis Jarus abi what name...why is dis issue disturbing our peace here?

He used to be a prominent Nairalander. Preaching to us and acting all holier than thou. Infact, he used to be one of the people they look up to here, like a role model. And we wonder why Nairaland deteriorated to a place where a bunch of women bashes and abusive psychopaths come to flex muscle!

HeatSeeker:


You have no freaking idea!

Muslim men are not just permitted to beat their wives, in fact, he is not a good Muslim if his wife misbehaves and he does not instill discipline in her. It is good practice in Islam, and unfortunately many women who married Muslim men are gleefully oblivious of this Islamic principle.

And yet when people say Islam is a violent religion they argue! No wonder they are blowing places up and committing mass murders.

HeatSeeker:


He is a Muslim. He is permitted to marry more than one wife, and also enforce discipline in his household. He should request to be tried according to Islamic law, the case will be quashed and thrown out the window.

So he’s permitted to harm someone’s child? If he wants to instill discipline he can send her back to her father’s house, not physically assaulting her.

seunmsg:


The parts in bold is absolute nonsense and says a lot about the mentality of some of you on this thread.

People cheat all over the world and it’s never going to change. Bill Clinton was in white when he was knacking sense out of Monica Lewinsky. Matt Hancock was the most important minister in the UK during the Covid era and he was cheating with an aide. Apart from paying hush money to Stormy Daniels to keep their affair secret, Trump was caught on camera how he used to grab them by the pus..y. Beyoncé is one of the prettiest, wealthiest and popular lady in the world and still, Jay-Z was cheating on her. But one random Juan think only men in local village in Nigeria cheats.


Bill cheated on Hillary. Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé. Charles cheated on Diana. So, who is the lady out there that a man cannot cheat on? You? 🤡

Where did I say men don’t cheat? I said if they cheat they will pay for it. Are you arguing that? You are here quoting celebrities, trying to compare apples and oranges, when you know exactly what I mean.

Will you brag about your unrepentant cheating if you were in a sane world? Or will you threaten to throw your wife out of your home if you are not in your village?

Admit it, those days are gone when you men go about misbehaving. Cheat if you like, but be ready to face the consequences.

Honestly the only thing that will make me cheat is if I meet a man that will buy me an island with servants to tend to my every need. Since that will never happen, I will respect myself and face my front. But if I marry a man like you, and you cheat and dare to flaunt it, you will wish you never married me by the time I’m done with you.

Sapasenator:


Honestly, I am not a Muslim but a Christian. My grandfather on the maternal side who is not a Muslim married five wives and they all lived together even though he was not very rich. Polygamy used to be a normal part of our culture in Africa and that fact has never been in contention for hundreds of years.

The reason we are having this discussion is because of the encroachment of Christianity coupled with western cultures that have crept into our traditions and culture. I will never be polygamous as I love to have a baby mama and live separately without any woman encroaching into my life. I do not think I believe strongly in marriage at this point as there are no long-run benefits for the man in the institution.

I honestly do not know why he was trying to bribe his wife, that was a connotation that he was into something wrong. If I have polygamous tendencies, I will simply go ahead, marry, and impregnate the second wife while still taking very good care of the first wife. I will never beat or argue with my wife and if she wants, I will give her the option of a divorce with full benefits.

I do not argue or fight or raise my hands. never.

We can have our disagreements but the day you bring Otumokpor into our home. The marriage is officially over and I will move on without batting an eyelid regardless of your reasons. These are lines once crossed cannot be uncrossed.

This “otumokpor” you are talking about is the ways of the old naaa. Was it not same religion that eradicated it? You can’t pick and choose.

But this your post made sense. Very rational and sensible. But his post was not!!! Nothing made sense in his write up. All I saw was a man bragging about how much he spends on his wife, like she should be grateful, she should take the money and shut up.

I would have taken the money and walked. Trying to tie down such a man is silly and f00lish. We women need to learn to raise our heads high and choose better!!

seunmsg:


I am a man and not a woman so I may not know exactly how women feel. However, my advice was directed towards men and not women.

If married women decides to have side dicks (lots of them have though), no problem in as much as it’s discreet. The day I catch my wife with a side dick is the day she leaves my house. If she catch me with a side chick, she either leave with it or leave my house. It’s her decision to make.

And yet people wonder why women “open” eye when they go abroad. This one is in one local village in Nigeria and making mouth. Go to a sane environment and try cheating on your wife. You will be the one to leave the house and still pay child support from your shared apartment.

But of course I’m sure men like you will marry the kind of women they deserve.

seunmsg:


I admire the men that have the patience and capacity to marry two ladies. One wife is more than enough trouble to last a lifetime. Why marry two or more?

Marriage is gradually getting out of fashion. In the next 100 years, barely 10% of adult will be married. Why some people want more than one at a time is just amusing.

If you’re married and you have the means, keep as many side chicks as you can. Keeping a side chick is still better than marrying more than one wife. When you marry a second wife, you will eventually get tired of her and still want a third wife. If you’re tired of your side chick, you can easily move on to another without any complications.

So by this, you mean that men will get tired of any woman they marry? Eventually?

What about women? Will they also get tired of their husbands? Are they also allowed to have side d**ks

Sapasenator:


Coco, the Islamic religion is fully in support of polygamy which the wife is aware.
I am not a proponent of polygamy but methinks the wife's reaction is strange. That is never an excuse for abuse in any form.

That’s why you need to ask yourself why her reaction is strange. And most importantly, why was he begging and bribing her? As a Muslim man, it’s his right to marry another wife and he can clearly afford, why beg his wife to carry out his god-given right?


Probably because they had an agreement that he would never take a second wife. Maybe that was why she even married him in the first place. Maybe she supported him against all odds. Maybe she is even responsible for his wealth, and now he’s using the money to go against their agreement.

If you were the wife, would you ever agree to such? Will an amount of “begging” make you change your mind?


Muslim or not, not all women want to share their husbands. Some Muslim women will rather stay single if their suitors agrees to having interest in possibly marrying a second wife. Let’s not deceive ourselves, what is wrong is wrong!


Our problem in Nigeria is that we use religion to justify everything, even stupid things!


I am sooooo disappointed in Jarus. I had so much respect for him. He used to talk about his wife with so much love and adoration. This is the height of irresponsibility. Men are just f00lish!!! And to think they think themselves superior. . . Chai!!!

ahnie:
Let me burst your bubbles,Alot of popular nairalanders here are having shaky homes,if not broken homes.




Gaskiya magana Aure ba karama aiki ba,ya na da baban aikin da yawa.

And this is something to gloat about?

Marriages are crumbling everywhere in the world now, not just in Nairaland. You are married so you know how challenging it can be.

I honestly didn’t expect this from you!

hyzich:
Sir Jarus ignorantly admitted to domestic violence while explaining why he’s taking second wife. Lagos DSVA has also weighed in. See pics below

https://x.com/SegunAdeni51298/status/1806690374154416323?t=xfpSoxpKRukUcTaSUg-iHQ&s=19

Mods ( royalroy ) please push to frontpage

So this is Sir Jarus?? Chai!!!

The guts all these Nlnd men have, talking women down and acting like they are some kind of superior beings. Meanwhile this one is nothing but a tout, marrying an even bigger tout!

Shameless men everywhere!

ScotHarvath:



Tell me how I painted myself as Christ. Everything up there is the truth. How do you make someone your everything without express communication?

You are completely blameless, you did no wrong, you are perfect!!

Of course you were kind enough to “make her your equal”, why won’t she fall on her knees and worship you.


Oga please shift, we know your type!

ScotHarvath:
Sex is another issue, I always have to beg for it and when I raised the issue in anger she said I can be going to get it from other girls.

I really don’t think most Nigerian girls deserve or want a cool headed man. They will show you shege.

Thinking back and seeing only the things I did I can only can myself a fool. Helping with the chores, helping with the kids, revealing everything about my finances to her, standing up to her family for once admonishing her, spending too much time with her and trying to make her my everything.


Friends have taught me a lot in this life which I why I chose to avoid friends and focus on my wife and family but this woman is making those same guys I abandoned for her call me a fool.


If there’s an altercation, she turns on off the TV and sound system so the neighbors can hear everything.


Is it wrong to be a good man and want your wife to be your best friend.

If this marriage finally fails, the next woman I will date will see another version of me

Your story doesn’t add up.

If she can say those words to you, and even advise you to cheat on her, what would she fight a separation? She should be the one pushing for it.

If your wife doesn’t love you anymore then leave. Marriage is not a prison, you don’t need to feel trapped.

lilyheaven:


There’s still room for reconciliation.

That's because the woman is suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and the typical Nigerian woman "i must stay married " mentality.

That's why I always say have your money as a woman, e get why!

If this woman had the means she would have moved her kids to a different state or even country, and be relaxing. Oga will use his hand to carry his draws and come there!

Kobojunkie:
That is up to you to decide!

Marriage matter is tricky shaaa, especially in Nigeria. If this woman really wants to leave, she wont be here making this post.

How do you explain her still sleeping with him? After he abandoned her in her mother's house? How does even make sense? Some women will take that as an excuse to leave the marriage, I know I would!


So in a way I agree with Lily, she doesn't want her marriage to end. But is it out of love? I sincerely doubt that!!!

lilyheaven:

Marriage is not for weak people.
You have to be physically strong, mentally strong and spiritually strong. Otherwise oyo 😃

Honestly. I think the strongest people on earth are married Nigerian women!
🫢

Kobojunkie:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Which family house? OP talk say na only one room her husband get for the place, you dey talk family house. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

🤣 🤣

That’s why when they say he has prospect at 40, I will ask when will the prospects come naaaa??

At 40 he lived in one room in his parent’s house and yet somehow she expected better?

If you don’t have money as a single woman, don’t marry a 30-40 year old man with “prospects”.

That being said, I’ve seen families rent one room to live in, so one room in his father’s house is not out of the ordinary. It’s what he has and she should be ready to deal with that. I think it’s still better than a married woman living in her mothers house.

lilyheaven:


With all the badmouths in nairaland, no one ran away.
I’m using nairaland as an example ,because, the kind of badmouthing that I read eeh, sometimes it gives goosebumps.

If she lives an upright lifestyle, she doesn’t have to worry about anything any one says about her.
We can’t always be in everyone good book.

Why are you people encouraging her to leave her marriage?
Has marriage become a joke?
Do you people know that children are involved,
Do you know what happens with children from broken homes?
You don’t have any right to marry a man that you don’t accept his family.
The only sin her husband committed, according to what she wrote, is oga going back to his fathers house.

As long as she’s not living with the man, she’s not even married. She’s already a single mother.

The only solution would have been to move into the family house and she has clearly refused to do that.

I will never advise her to pick a fight she cannot finish, you can love your in-laws and still not want to live with them.

The way we act as if women have no choice in this marriage thing, I disagree. Even if she raises her kids alone, it’s not the end of the world.

lilyheaven:

Sister in law wants to frustrate her out from her husband because her’s didn’t work.
Why will I go and suffer and train kids alone when their father is still alive and bearing his surname.
Until they return my bride price , I go no where.
I don’t like trouble, but if you look for mine, I will give it to you to the fullest.

That’s what I would have done too. I would have moved into the family house and if they do anyhow I give them anyhow. Na them go use their hand return my bride price.

But the poster is not strong enough for that fight, and has indirectly shown them weakness, and they are taking full advantage of that!

MommaD:
Edited

I think you are making the right decision to leave. Technically, you are not even married.

That’s why I always advise women to have their own money, otherwise why would your uncle give you the condition of your husband moving back in to give you money for rent? Honestly, if you had the money, go and find your own place and ignore him.

Men are terrible, don’t waste your life trying to hold on to a useless person.

cococandy:
You guys just can’t imagine a woman outside of not being with a man or a relationship.

Like everything in her life revolves around what she’s doing or not doing with her body. Give it a rest

It scares them like crazy 😂