₦airaland Forum

TheUmbra:
Brother, pay no heed to the emotional garbage spewing from most of the ladies in this forum. Most of them are bias and are feminists.

They'll roast you and share a toast to your miseries. When you see married women spending much time on this forum, know that they're having serious foundational issues in their marriages and most see men as the enemy.

Simply never lay your hands on your wife. Be a good husband to her but demand your respect as a husband. Her walking out on you is very rude. Don't be beclouded by this new generation of lost women.

There're many ways to get back your respect from your wife. Let your words be few and act independent in every possible way. Even those things she loves doing for you that give her joy and a sense of wifely fulfilment do it yourself. Let her know there's no point pretending since she can disrespect you, she can go all the way. Buckle up till she tenders an apology.

You can't afford to lose your respect as a husband. It's usually the beginning of a whole lot of things going wrong.

Sorry about your dad.

Word. Thanks a lot

fluxbush:
You should never let it slide any where,faceless forum or not. The way you stand up for your wife is a reflection of your character. I can bet on my life that you won't stand for anyone, faceless or not,calling your mum a bitch. Why is your wife different?

Back to the matter, you have a woman who stood by you when you were a broke ass nigger. You also mentioned that she encourages you to be at your optimal best,even when you are obviously slacking off. Me thinks you should cut her some slack. I have a sister who forgets everything under the sun. When I send her on an errand, I have to call her at intervals to remind her and even at that,she still forgets sometimes. Has that made me threaten to beat her? Will I kill her for that? Don't assume she is deliberately doing this to belittle you, thereby planning to treat her fuuckup. Talk to your wife, Oga.

Do you know there are some peppers that are hot and you don't know till after cooking? The fact that she even begs you after the deed,shows she is not looking for your wahala on purpose. Shit happens in the kitchen sometimes. We are not feature chefs on food network. Again,talk to your wife

As for the walking out issue, your narration is one sided. We were not there to hear your tone and body language. If she is as you describe, i.e a woman who says it as it is, walking out when mad is the best. It is better to walk out than saying nasty things in the heat of the moment. Or would you prefer she stays back and insults the shit out of your life? Oga, call your wife and ask her why she acts like that.

In all,calm down and enjoy your wife. She is a good woman and deep down,you know it.

Thanks.
Like I said earlier, I am ready to do whatever it takes to keep my family one. I just feel a times that I am being pushed to the wall. But I hope it will pass

ayando:
Honestly, i haven't seen enough reason why u should even think of hitting it. U made it sound like it is the right thing to do and u are been nice not doing so yet. You are just egoistic n feeling entitled.

Get that feeling of entitlement, relax n don't show provocation when she does otherwise, after all you can always get alternative. Your wife knows you and she is just acting to test your limit, why don't u become unpredictable.

Also, watch out for the kind of friends she is keeping, they might be responsible for her recent actions. All in all, u need to develop thick skin for her bickering or tantrums. Believe me, yours na child's play.
All the best

Yes, I think a friend might have something to do with this.
I recall her telling me one time that she is ready for whatever will happen and she is not afraid of any eventuality even divorce.
In response, I told her that whoever is drumming such ideas into her ears does not love her because when and if her home breaks, those advising her now will never take her into their family.
I would definitely look into this.

Jahblessme:
I'm trying to understand why you would want to hit her or even contemplate hitting her.

You both are arguing and she walks away ,is that not the advise we give to defuse a tense situation? Walk away from provocation?

What if she remains there and says something horrid to.you or becomes so angry that she gets volatile as well?
There has to be a reason why she's walking away.
Someone who stood by you when you were broke won't just become fickle overnight.Something is going on,either your attitude has changed overnight since you became more financially stable ,are you now more overbearing ? Maybe your wife has started becoming tired of you or she is plain unhappy

Have you bothered to discuss this with her and come to an amicable way of ending conflict? She is an adult and can walk away anytime.You are not her father abeg.

Pepper wise she loves pepper and you don't ,so you both should compromise and eat mid peppery food.Why should she abandon her pepper love.Answer is always middle ground or you have your own food separately.

As to why she doesn't help you when you ask her to,me I don't know.You can also not help her when she asks so she knows how it feels.

Talk talk and talk ,these are solvable issues.

Like I said, her walking out on me didn't start today. Infact, have seen her do it once to her father.
I was only trying to explain to her why I can't give her the 300k now but later owing to other pressing financial issues that need to be taken care of first.
She should have stayed put and listened to me instead of walking out on me.

As for the pepper one, she knows I am allergic to pepper. It gives me stomach problems. Why put pepper in my food when she knows this about me?
I ask her she knows what pepper does to me yet she prepares food laced with pepper for me. How does she expect me to eat it?

Well, like others have said, I think I have become too predictable for her and she is now taking me for granted.
I will try some unpredictability.

fluxbush:
Someone called your wife a bitch and you couldn't even pretend to defend her. What kinda husband are you? This act alone shows why she walks out on you during a heated argument. If you can condone such disrespect in a public forum,God knows how you talk to her at home.

So what if you gave her money to start her biz? So what if she cooks with much pepper? If this person was your sister or your mother,would you beat her? No matter how you try to paint yourself as a good man being pushed to the wall by his wife, we see through you. You are a petty and egotistical man. I can't believe a grown up man will refuse to eat his wife's food for a week cuz of an incident of pepper earlier that week.

Please beat her. Kill her sef. Afterall a wife is replaceable. Nonsense.

Madam abeg take am easy. That I didn't respond to that on a faceless forum does not mean I condone it or see her as such. No one would do that in my presence without eliciting and appropriate reaction from me. That I let it slide on a faceless forum like this does not mean the contrary. Thanks

Eketem:
Oga these are normal marital communication gaps that conflict resolution skills can heal.

Your wife doesn't disrespect you she only has her own personality as you have your own..

Since discussions end with tempers rising you could write to each other. Listen to her too. You are not Lord and master

My dear I listen yo her too oh. Infact, I discuss many vital things with her. It's not like I take decisions and lord it over her. This time, I was just trying to explain why I wouldn't be able to provide the 300k now but later because of upcoming financial engagements that are more pressing. Instead of her to stay put and hear me out, she just walked away which is a sign of disrespect and not the first time she is doing such.

FortuneTeller:
vanemo

It's only a savage and barbarian who doesn't know how to resolve their problems without violence. My husband uttered some nonsense like that one day and my words to him were "beat me". I told him to remember if he did it, he would die that day. My entire family would descend on him and he would be gone. Since we live in the US now, it would likely be seen as self defense. From that day forward he began to talk about his issues and I never heard anything like that again out of his mouth. If you touch your wife in any harmful way, I pray that she leaves you impotent and blind. Savages deserve savagery.

If you don't feel you can resolve the problem, then sit down with your wife and a third party who can help you resolve the issues. If that isn't working, then leave for a while and work on your problems separately. As a last resort, divorce, but realize you will never find a perfect partner.

Also are you sure you are good at sex? My husband thinks he is doing well, but he is terrible. I don't even like him touching me any more. However I pretend it's ok when we are together so his feelings aren't hurt. Don't ever be surprised by a woman cheating. Many women cheat and men never find out.

No, my wife would never fake that I satisfy her sexually. She's the type that says it as she sees it. Sometimes, when I slack due to stress, she usually tells me to buckle up.

baby124:
I have not seen anything she did that will warrant this thread or threats of divorce from you. So? She walked out on you? Maybe she did not want to argue or fight with you. I tend to do the same when a conversation is unproductive and heated.

So you can't live with her again because she walked out on a conversation you both were having. Divorce her now, and go and find the woman for you. I wish you luck in that. That you can think to beat your wife because of what you have written here shows that you have an ego problem, as well as an anger problem.

I can bet that you were nagging and fighting, so she walked away. Otherwise your reaction will be different. All this jelosimi children getting married. I will divorce! I will divorce! You think you are doing us? You are doing yourself! Go and find a woman that will treat you like god. You better hope you remain god, because the moment you go broke, that woman that treats you like god will disgrace you throughly. Jump from frying pan to fire make we hear word.

When you were broke and down, will you ever have dreamed to raise your dirty hands on her as the breadwinner? I don't think so.

No, I don't have anger problems nor am I violent. If that was the case, I would have flipped a long time ago.
I was neither fighting nor nagging to warrant her walking out on me.
I was only trying to explain to her why I can't give her the 300k immediately but would do that a little later.
She should have waited and listened to my explanation before walking out on me and like I said this is not the first time this is happening. I've seen her once walk out on my father-in-law.
I saw all the signs during courtship but I guess her extraordinary loyalty blinded me to her other flaws.

NihinlolaTenny:
it's obvious the so called husband doesn't even mind because he's already seeing her as such.

If you know the kinds of ladies out now you would try and work on your home n not looking for people to tell you how to start hitting her or break up your home. I'm not in anyway insinuating that her actions are right but I believe that if you truly love her you would cut her some slacks and look for ways to have the so called family of your dream. I tell you a reasonable man will not tell you to give up on your family just like that or turn you into a woman beater.
if you don't know, it's a curse for man who sleeps with his wife to raise his hands to batter her.

You also have to reduce your expectations as regards the optimal level of respect you want from her. I think a woman who has undertaken some sacrifices out of the love She has for you (like you affirmed to), who was patient with you also needs you to be patient with her n guide her to become the kind of wife you want. she passed her test, it's time for u to also pass yours.

if you think I typed trash. you can start by beating her and later divorce her. it's Your Home, Your Wife and most importantly Your Life n Future Happiness.
even if you marry another woman she would have her own flaws. correct her with love n pray with her n for her. I was told that the early years of marriage are usually the trying periods.


...
if infidelity is the case and you are really really certain (u Av caught her) then the choice is yours. if you want to stay or leave.

if she is not cheating on you Pls don't assume she is and subsequently give up on her attitude. I believe in showing love, counseling her n I strongly believe in God and Prayers. May God sustain your home.

That I didn't respond to someone calling her a bitch on a faceless forum does not mean I condone it or see her as such. No one dares call her that in my presence without an appropriate response from me.
And I already stated that it is not a case of infidelity. My wife would never cheat on me.

TheUmbra:
OP,

First off, there's always a positive side to every unpleasant situation. From what you wrote about your parents' separation, it is clear you took your mother's side for apparent reasons - she's the one who raised you and paid most of the sacrifice that made you who you are today. You most definitely blamed your father.

But now you're going through something similar. You're learning first hand what most women are. But don't make your father's mistake else your wife will paint a sorry, emotional fable before your daughter, labelling you as the uncaring, wayward father who abandoned his family. And your relationship with your daughter would be fractured by your wife. This is woman for you. They're enemies of truth and emotional blackmail runs in their vains.

Look for your father if he's still alive. Hear from him what caused his separation from your mom. Marry it to your current situation and apply wisdom not to head down your father's path.

As for your wife, you've become a predicted robot to her. Women have the power of observation. She knows you in and out. You must change this by a large extent if you want to keep her intrigued, fascinated and curious.

Be largely unpredictable. I can swear she knows what you don't like and deliberately do them. She expects a particular reaction from you and you always act her script.

Don't show provocations mostly, even when she disrespects you. Act independent even with domestic chores and washing even your cloths. Don't eat her food and don't reach for her body. Then watch her getting all anxious and worried. She would either start throwing all kinds of wild allegations against you (which is a way of saying her strategy has backfired) or she'd start retracing her steps.

Yes, I agree with you that I'm too predictable to her. Sometimes she even asks me what can I do? I just laugh and walk away. I will try to be a bit unpredictable.

As for my father, he passed away few years ago and I forgave him long ago. I realized that everything happens according to God's plan and it was the will of God for it to happen that way.
If not for what my father did, I would not be where I am today or at the level I am now.

EkoErrands:
Op one of her numerous friends just got a Venza as a birthday gift from her husband...Your wife has started having sleepless nights over it.

Just trace am well ...you will know the particular friend and the model of Venza that is trying to destroy ya marriage. Thunder fire Japan!

Lol

Julivas:
Op, I will say u should not divorce or hit her no matter what. Sit her down in the middle of the night and pour out your mind to her , telling her how deep you love her and that u don't want to hurt urself 2rue her. Let her know that living peacefully 2geda is all what you want for the sake of ur child and d coming ones. Joke with her and commit everything to God. Do have a happy family.

Thanks for this piece of advice. Will try the middle of the night talk and probably a little feigned change of attitude as someone suggested earlier.

micfoley:
My brother, this story is not complete. Probably because it's one sided. Believe me, if a woman didn't disrespect you when she was the bread winner, then she won't disrespect u now. The only thing I can n think of is that you have done something to her which u fail to acknowledge or even realise. U need to settle down and think things through. Then u should talk to her and most importantly LISTEN to her.

Don't ever think about, I repeat don't ever think about hitting your wife. That could actually spell the end of your marriage and the greatest victim of that would be your child.
May God Himself guide your decisions and preserve this marriage...... Amen

Bro, I said it didn't start today. I noticed it since and I have been trying to manage it ever since hoping that she will change but apparently she has not.
Nobody is perfect but this is one thing I can no longer tolerate.
Some are saying I should have seen signs of things like this during courtship. Yes I saw them but they weren't too obvious and more over she was loyal, supportive then and still is now.
Loyalty is a quality I value a lot and I guess this made me overlook other flaws.
There is a saying that a man knows the true character of her woman when he has nothing and a woman knows the true character of her man when he has everything.
I knew her well when I had nothing and I appreciate her for how supportive she was then. Loyal women are rare.

thorpido:
The last option is to divorce her but that is really the LAST option.Till then work on and around your relationshipIf there are certain things that can bring a conflict between you and you can do those things or sort them yourself,then do that.Handle your errands yourself or get someone else to do it.If you have discovered you can't handle tasks together,then handle it more individually.
If I may ask,how is sex between you both?

My dear, it is very annoying to know that I can't trust my partner to help me do simple things.
I have fired some of my employees in the past because of incompetence like this.
The sex between us is great as I make sure I satisfy her.

obataokenwa:
Bro, don't be 100% sure. That aspect is too coded for them. Find out why she's behaving that way.... Don't let her use you as ATM machine. Man up and make her to be abit jealous... you too gentle and she knows maybe you too loyal. Change also for her to demand the communication. maybe start coming late and most times act like you don't want to discuss things with her anymore. play with her thought

Bro I am 100% sure that cheating is not the case. She has no reason to cheat because I am up and doing sexually and make sure I satisfy her.
Maybe I will start to play with her thoughts as you mentioned and act as if I have changed.

eyinjuege:
Its a pity you feel the only way you can resolve conflict is by violence.

I would advice you to pray and break every generational curse.
If you want to get things done right, do it yourself. That's an old saying, that works.
If you feel she can't deliver your errands properly, then do them yourself.
Most arguments are avoidable. She asked for 300K. Simply say you don't have, and you're still trying to look for money for your rent. Afterwsrds, just press the ignore button. Choose selective deafness.

No I don't feel the only way to resolve conflict is by violence. If I felt that way, I would have resorted to violence a long time ago.
But I just feel I am being pushed to the wall to do what I don't want to do.
Maybe the disrespect is coming up because she thinks what can he do to me? I think I just need to come up with another effective way to punish her.

thorpido:
Keep her tolerating it and keep speaking to her.Hitting her will obviously not change her.
You should have seen this part of her before marriage.That is the importance of courtship,yet you married her,so keep persevering.

Keep tolerating her till when? And then keep getting disrespected over and over again.
There is a limit to everything my dear

marsoden:
Are you sure she isn't cheating on you? Or feels you're not man enough for her anymore? There is definitely no reason or explanation for your wife to walk out on you.

No, that's not the case. I am 100% sure she isn't cheating on me and would never contemplate doing such.
If she didn't cheat on me when I was down financially and some men were hitting on her, she would not do that now.

2buffagain:
Kai some women sha.

Sounds like you need to sit that bitch down and have a candid discussion.

My dear I don discuss tire.

Dear Nairalanders, I am a regular on this forum but had to create a new moniker to post this.


Growing up, my father was abusive and hit my mum occasionally. I grew up seeing my mum suffer domestic violence. Eventually, my father abandoned us when I was 9 and moved in with another woman. My mum never remarried. She just focused on my upbringing and raised me alone without my father. My father just didn't care anymore after he left and didn't contribute a dime to my upbringing after he left despite efforts made by friends and family to make him take care of his responsibilities towards me.
After sometime, my mum left everything in the hands of God and focused on catering for me without minding my father.
This made me vow not to ever hit a woman not to talk of my wife because I saw firsthand how my mum suffered and it would be a shame for me to make another woman pass through the same thing my mother passed through.
I also vowed to do all within my power to keep my family one and give my kids the fatherly love I was denied as I know the negative effects of a broken home on children.
Mine is different because I have a God fearing, intelligent and hardworking mother who played the role of both father and mother in bringing me up.

Fast forward to now, I am married with a daughter. Met my wife in 2012 and we have been together ever since.
Now, my wife is a very sweet lady who has stood by me through thick and thin even when business was down sometime ago, she was there for me. Things were so bad that we could barely feed but surprisingly, she stood by me and supported me with prayers and she was even the breadwinner for about 4 months till things got better for me.
For this, I praise her a lot and cherish her for this. I am sure she loves me with her whole heart and I can say to some extent that we are happy together.

Now, the problem is that she takes me for granted sometimes and shows some lack of respect towards me which I am finding it hard to tolerate.
For example:

1. She knows I don't eat pepper. But, occasionally she would prepare meals laced with copious amounts of pepper and pass it for me to eat. This has been happening since 2013 and most times, I get angry and refuse to eat the food. 3 weeks ago, she did the same thing and for one week, I refused to eat her food despite her pleadings. Later, I forgave her and things went back to normal.

2. Sometimes, if she is going somewhere and I tell her to help me do something or buy something for me around the area where she is going to, she would always find an excuse not to do what I asked her to do. It has happened often that I have lost confidence in her.
Last week, she was going somewhere and I gave her some money and some herbal medication to give to a sick friend who lives in that area. To my chagrin, she came back without delivering the message telling me stories of why she couldn't find time to go to my friend's place.

3. This evening, she mentioned that she needed extra 300k to boost her business. This is after I had given her 600k which she asked for initially and another 200k which I didn't budget for. Our house rent is expiring in July and I have to renew it plus other expenses that are lined up. I tried explaining to her that I can't spare 300k now and we had a heated exchange. To my chagrin, she walked out on me and even when I called her back, she didn't listen to me. This is not the first time this kind of a thing is happening.

In all of this, I have never raised my hand to hit her since we met in 2012 all because of my vow never to hit a woman in my life. In the above 3 examples, I have been really tempted to break this vow but I am glad I got hold of myself.
I have told her several times that the day she will push me to the wall and I start hitting her, I would never stop and she will be the one to suffer it. I also told her that if we are to ever separate r divorce, it will never be my fault because I am pro family and I am ready to do all it takes to keep my family together and make sure my kids are brought up with their dad and mum under one roof.

I know within myself that I can never hit her no matter what but on the other hand, I can't tolerate living with a lady that takes me for granted and does not respect me.
I have thought about this.
Had it been I was the type that beat women, I think she would have been respecting me more and not taking me for granted like this.

Now, I am in a dilemma, if this continues, it is either I start hitting her or I walk away from the marriage.
Both options are not what I want but I might just be forced to do one of them and go against my vow.
If it gets worse, the better of the two evils is to walk away from the marriage with my sanity intact and take my daughter along as I would not contemplate hitting my wife because of what my mother passed through.

My dear nairalanders, pls I need your advice on this issue.