Before You Meet With God

A billionaire died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad.

We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The billionaire thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along in my Ferrari and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.





Heaven Cafeteria

A billionaire dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and checks him in.

After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?"

The billionaire goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a billionaire" he says, "I'm a busy man; I don't have time to wait in line."

The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!"

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the billionaire notices a man come dashing in wearing a 3 piece suit and accompanied by a 6 man entourage. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep.

"Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play billionaire."







50cents to Heaven

A billionaire died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The billionaire thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The billionaire said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the billionaire a sidelong glance, and then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."






Genie with a Catch

A guy found a bottle on the beach. He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch." "What catch?" he asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie.

"Next wish?" "I'd love a billion dollars," replied the man. POOF! One billion dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every politician in the world has two billion dollars," said the genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my billion," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?" asked the genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."







VW v. Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a billionaire in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the billionaire, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The billionaire says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too, see?” the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The billionaire replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the billionaire is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his Rolls.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his Rolls and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so the billionaire pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up ,

(it's OK to continue , it's a clean joke.)

, and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but the billionaire gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The billionaire says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out, I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT!"







Be Nice To Your Nurse

A billionaire had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain in the butt to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, the billionaire finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his backside.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, the billionaire heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. The billionaire curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the billionaire's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the billionaire answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Yes, but Not with a carnation."

never knew billonaires where dumb guess am go*nna be content wid being a milonaire

nice joke, but theres a particular awful onne amongnst them dat almost tarred my fun anyway dats by the way, jest kepp em rowln in

kool as clem said keep the fire burnig

@poster

Ur name be as e get oh!!

@iteun urs sounds more absurd for sure

ur the first person tellin me that.

NB: remove the huge glob in ur eyes b4 u tell me i have a speck of dust on mine

ur name pack muscle full am

as your own carry sh*!t and scum full am

hahahaha

u wey dey laff u know as ur username heavy reach