Funny Jokes/conversations/pics - Jokes Etc (2) - Nairaland
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| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by Xymc1(m): 8:27am On Oct 01, 2012 |
Nice collection,more groundnut oil to your shoulder!! |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 3:22pm On Oct 02, 2012 |
these dayz Daddy, how was I born?"asked once this little kid. Dad answered,"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said You've Got Male!"  Bad luck... The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're a bad luck."   |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 4:20pm On Oct 02, 2012 |
WORLD ECONOMY TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS u have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income. INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them. PAKISTAN ECONOMICS You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for warplanes. Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by the world. AMERICAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows. FRENCH ECONOMICS You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. GERMAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. BRITISH ECONOMICS You have two cows. They are both mad cows. ITALIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch. SWISS ECONOMICS You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. JAPANESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. RUSSIAN ECONOMICS! You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka. CHINESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers. NIGERIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows You eat one and claim it was stolen Call in the Police to investigate Police arrest everyone living within 100km Torture them thoroughly until someone admits kidnapping the cow The police then collect one cow each from everybody arrested You have your cow back and the Police now owns a cattle farm 1 Like |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by ahmedgafar7(m): 8:32pm On Oct 02, 2012 |
You all gonna love this iphone 5
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| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 10:43am On Oct 04, 2012 |
Interviewer to Igbo man applicant: ‘You start at $100 a week, and after six months it goes up to $130’. Igbo man: ‘All right then, I’ll come back in six months.’ Nkem: Akpors! y u dey use handkerchief cover ur phone?? Akpors: Chinedu dey owe me money, na y i wan hide my number call am 2 Likes |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by Nobody: 3:02pm On Oct 04, 2012 |
alaric saltzman: You r hereby invited for d NL joke contest because u r earned d recognition pls go to https://www.nairaland.com/1063783/nairaland-joke-contest-new-edition#12399976 |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by Nobody: 3:04pm On Oct 04, 2012 |
dlex21: Grandpa; "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today" You r hereby invited for d NL joke contest because u r earned d recognition pls go to https://www.nairaland.com/1063783/nairaland-joke-contest-new-edition#12399976 1 Like |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 4:40pm On Oct 04, 2012 |
There was a couple sleeping. The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried. Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.” Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.” Wife responded loudly: “That is why I’m crying.” |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 5:38pm On Oct 05, 2012 |
a guy went on a date in a brand new X6 BMW ride wiv his new babe of 1 month... GUY: i have been hidin a secret from you and i think u'll break up wiv me if i tell u the secret GIRL: what is that my love? GUY: Am already married wiv kids... GIRL: (hitting him on the lap and hissed) u scared me...i tot u wanted to say the BMW is not urz 1 Like |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 11:25am On Oct 08, 2012 |
A mad man was walking naked in a national park. Upon seeing him, all the animals started running away from him. Hyena asked lion, why are you afraid of that animal?" Lion replied "my friend, jokes aside, that is a strange animal, don't you see the tail in front?" A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening. “I’m so Hot that I can’t stand it.” she said. “I want to go out, get drunk and get laid. Are you free tonight?” “Yes!!!!” he replied enthusiastically. “Wonderful.” she said. “Would you watch my kids?” |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by dlex21(m): 7:05pm On Oct 08, 2012 |
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| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 7:59pm On Oct 15, 2012 |
Akpors no go kill me o!!! Akpos: 2 3 4 6 7 8 9 Teacher: where is 5? Akpos: Yesterday, I heard on d news dat 5 died in a car accident *d teacher had a miscarriage*" |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by dlex21(m): 2:05pm On Oct 16, 2012 |
Mother's trick A guy invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate and this only made her curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son and the roommate. Reading his mum's thoughts, the guy said; i know what you must be thinking, but i assure you, Jane and i are just roommates. About a week later, Jane walked up to the guy and said; Ever since your mother came to have dinner with us, i have not seen the flat beautiful spoon. You don't suppose she took it, do you?. The guy replied; Well, i doubt it, but i will write her a letter, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote: Dear mama, i'm not saying you 'did' take the flat beautiful spoon from my house and i'm not saying you 'did not' take the flat beautiful spoon but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Several days later, the guy received a letter from his mother which read: Dear son, i'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Jane, and i'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with Jane. But the fact remains that if she is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the flat beautiful spoon by now...wise indeed!!! 2 Likes |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by dlex21(m): 2:34pm On Oct 17, 2012 |
Vision problem... A man called his boss and told him, "I am not able to come to the office today". And his boss asked him,"Why?What happened?" So the man replies, "I've got vision problems" His boss said, "Sounds serious... what exactly is the problem?" The man replies, "Well, I just don't see myself at work today". |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 1:16pm On Oct 19, 2012 |
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" 1 Like |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by lancey(m): 2:15pm On Oct 19, 2012 |
lwkm good job mr saltzman!! |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 8:18pm On Oct 20, 2012 |
lancey: lwkm good job mr saltzman!!Fanks  |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by KDK(m): 12:24pm On Nov 03, 2012 |
alaric saltzman: Classic |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by dlex21(m): 10:43am On Dec 06, 2012 |
KDK:yea |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 7:57am On Mar 21, 2013 |
And that was ow my journalist friend was sacked yesterday...cos he told his boss "I want 2 snap a mad man 2day" in yoruba  |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by walexydon(m): 4:24pm On Apr 16, 2013 |
alaric saltzman: And that was ow my journalist friend was sacked yesterday...cos he told his boss "I want 2 snap a mad man 2day" in yoruba |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by Nobody: 7:30pm On Apr 16, 2013 |
searay: Where is the joke?do u knw wat u're? ''Uwu otele'' |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by walexydon(m): 7:59pm On Apr 16, 2013 |
onyejiokem: do u knw wat u're? ''Uwu otele''What does it mean? |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 6:15pm On Apr 20, 2013 |
Yes! Am back again wiv more hilarious jokes...here goes: In America wen a couple go to bed dey say "Gud nite my love" In Britain "Sweet dreams darling" In 9ja "Did u lock d Gate, doors & windows?" |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by alaricsaltzman: 6:20pm On Apr 20, 2013 |
Pastor: There's a man here... Akpors: (shouts frm d crowd) It is me! Pastor: I repeat, There's a man here.. Akpors: (shouts from d crowd) it is me and my family. Pastor: I say there's a man Here.. Akpors: (shouts from d crowd) it is me ooooooh!!! Abi u deaf?? Pastor: They have been sucking your blood for 5yrs now. Akpors: Ah!!! no be me ooooh Lwkmd |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by dlex21(m): 7:54am On May 02, 2013 |
SEXUAL REVOLUTION... In 1970's, girls used to say,"Love me,but don't touch me!" 1980's: "Touch me,but don't kiss me!" 1990's: "Kiss me,but don't do anything more!" 2000's: "Do everything you want,but don't tell anyone!" 2013: "Do everything or else I will tell everyone that you can't do anything!" |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by dlex21(m): 8:53am On Jun 14, 2013 |
Death came to Akpos one day and said, ”Akpos, today is your day!” Akpos : “But I am not ready!”. Then death said, “Well your name is the next on my list”. Akpos : “Okay why don’t you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?”. Then death said, “All right ” Akpos gave death some food with sleeping pills in it,death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. Akpos took the list and removed his name from the top of the list and put into the bottom. When death woke up it said to Akpos, “Akpos,because you have been very nice to me, I will take pity on you and start from the BOTTOM of the list!” Akpos Fainted.. CNN REPORTER: Mr. Akpos, how do you feel about the fact that a white man was the first man on the moon? AKPOS: You whity think you are clever, a black man will be the first man in the SUN!.. REPORTER: but, that is ridiculous, you will burn to death.....! AKPOS: Hai, shut up, Are u a LEARNER  We re not stupid.....We will go at night!... A LOVE LETTER FROM A MECHANIC TO AN ORANGE SELLER. Hello Girl, I want to write u dis letter. Becos everyday I saw u opposite with ... my workshop. U saw me & I also saw u everyday. But I hav wash u 4 a severally time now. The way ur behaviour is, nor good for me. I want to take u as a good garlfriend. Because ur beautyfool garl in Dis our town. So I luv u like butafly luv a flower. Errrmmmmmm, but one thing is dat, I want to talkto u but u don’thalf tym. Dat is y I shouldn’t came & talk to u. If u tink dat u cannot read d letter, just phone me & gave me d reply or d answer! I am doned. Good byeeeeee. Yours forever, Mechanical Engineerer,Musa. **** THE LOVELY REPLY: Dear Musa, I rily soprice for ur leta. I saw u wen u saw me but I shy and I look down. The way my hart is doin me I want to folo u but I kannot left my orange becus this is where I shop. I want to phone u but you have to resharge me. Ur leta have rily tosh me. If u come to my compand I will mit u for backayard. FROM ur hart, Sukura. |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by dlex21(m): 7:58pm On Jun 20, 2013 |
Emeka: U be fool, u no sabi nothing. Akpos: Ahhh...hab guy Emeka: Na so. I fit prove am sef. If na night and u see 2 light for road, na wetin be dat? Akpos: Na moto! Emeka: Ehenh, but witch kind? Benz, Peugeot or Lexus? Akpos: I no know dat 1,oh! Emeka: U see am. Anyway, second proof. Na night, u see 1 light for road. Na wetin be dat? Akpos: Na okada! Emake: Ehenh, witch one? Suzuki, Yamaha or Kawasaki? Akpos: Ahh....how I suppose to know? Emeka: U see am? I don show u say u be fool. Akpos: Na wa 4 u o. Dis ur question sef. Oya make I axe u. If na night u see woman for roadside....miniskirt, big breast, red lips, big nyash,na wetin? Emeka: Na ashawo! Akpos: Ehenh, but which one? Ur mama, ur sister or ur daughter? |
| Re: Funny Jokes/conversations/pics by AlphaStyles(m): 9:21pm On Apr 15, 2019 |
alaricsaltzman:LMAO |
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