maclatunji:

Oya! Dey express yourself dey go... don't stop O.

Sisi_Kill: By the way Efe, I agree with you. . .no one can say another person's reason for not wanting to have kids is silly.

We are the only ones who know what we are capable of. That one person can manage 12 kids in a one bedroom apartment does not automatically mean someone living in 50 bedroom mansion can and should have more than 12.

While I think the OP's cousin's wife's issue has more to do with still getting used to the realities of being a first time mom, I don't think the reasons she gave aren't legitimate.

maclatunji:

Don't worry, by the time a second wife gives birth to triplets, the woman will want another child. #Rubbish.

maclatunji:

Don't worry, by the time a second wife gives birth to triplets, the woman will want another child. #Rubbish.

Efemena_xy:

Spoken by a truly primitive man at heart.

You belong to the Middle Ages Mac.

uj_sizzle: I don't get why you're sounding like this Tunji. If a woman says she wants to have a life outside her family life, i think it's okay. She's got a career and a family to watch over; it's up to her to create a balance without letting anyone suffer. Lesser kids gives her time for work and still enough time to shower attention on the child or children. It's works differently for different people; while one woman can handle multiple kids and a career(depending on the career) doesn't mean another should be able to also.

maclatunji:

Efemena, I am not pleased with you at all. I know you are a caring and dutiful wife and mother. Why are you giving advice on this thread that could wreck the homes of impressionable young women? The advice you're giving on this thread is the perfect recipe if there ever was one for a young wife to wreck her marriage and happiness.

maclatunji:

I agree with you now but which sensible young wife says: Yes! I am not having any child again after this first one O and that is final! To even make it better, she planned "vision 4 kids" with her husband from the beginning of all the "I love you more than the BBM in my Blackberry" parole.

Ladies, help me justify and understand it.

Efemena_xy:

Mac did you get enough sleep last night? I mean really?

So, my advising couples to only have kids they can adequately cater for is "recipe for wrecking their marriage and happiness"?? What happiness is there in having a batallion of kids you can't look after, let alone afford the price of garri or a basket of tomatoes at the market?? Are you not aware that kids are expensive?? Or you think it's okay to have them all now and then pray that some manna from heaven will help you feed them??

So, my advice is wrong - but you encouraging the man to take on a 2nd wife and have triplets with her is "recipe for a successful marriage and happiness"??

I laugh in Chinese!

IfeLuvely: My cousin was just telling me that his wife deceived him. I asked him why he would say such a thing and he replied me that before they got married, they had always discuss having 4 children, but now the wife has refused to have any more children. So I called the wife and we were just gisting and then we started talking about the children issue, and she said she really meant it, because she did not realise so many things before having a kid. Meanwhile her first child is only 11months old. These are the reasons she gave for not wanting anymore kids, she said my aunty refused to come help her out when she had a baby that if it was my aunty's daughter, that would she not go and help her out with the baby no matter what? She said that she wants the best for her child e.g. private school etc and that if they have another child, affording a private education is just near to impossible, another reason she gave was that with another child, she won't be able to achieve all the things she wants to achieve, career wise that even right now she feels like her life is on hold, this person I am talking about is just 25 year of age. I have a 10months old baby as well but I still achieve and will keep achieving soo much with my son.

But in your own opinion would you call this deceiving and what advice can I give to my cousin if she never changes her mind?

busybee24: #thirdworldproblems# #backwardness# #failure# #africanculturewoes# #lordhelpus#

busybee24: come again?? where in my message did i say money is the be all and end all. at the sametime lets not be foolish money is an important commodity in life nowadays,, if not why work

you think a mother in laws input is important as to the amount of kids in a family..
cultural based ignorance is the downfall of our nature
a man and woman leave their respective families and cleave to one another and in our oh so intelligent communities we bring the mother in law and other relatives to the mix

#thirdworldproblems# #backwardness# #failure# #africanculturewoes# #lordhelpus#

ileobatojo:

There's no deceit here. Your cousin needs to chill out. His wife is still taking care of an infant and apparently is not having an easy time of it and he is already talking about going for another one? There is something to be said for timing. This is just not the right time to be pressuring her about having another one. The fact is she is just 25 and she still has a sh*tload of time to have multitudes of kids. What's the rush?

Your cousin should first realize that her concerns are valid. He should next focus on the fact that those concerns can actually be addressed and likely resolved. Since she originally wanted 4 children she will likely change her mind when everything is settled in her mind. Her husband needs to give her time meanwhile he should work on making a strong economic and domestic case for having more children since those are her concerns. How much is he helping her day to day with the care of the child? What support is he providing in helping her get her career back on track? What financial clout is he demonstrating to ensure her that they can provide private education for their 4 kids? If he is not bothering himself with her concerns and he expects her to just keep dropping one child per year, he'd better wake up. Having and raising children is a big deal that requires good planning.

maclatunji:

It is the inability to balance things that makes many marriages fail. A lot of men are deeply in love when they get married. The wife is all-so-aware of this and starts feeling like the boss- alienating family and friends especially from her husband's side whilst things are rosy.

Wait! Two human beings especially husband and wife cannot stay together without conflict. The eyes of husband begins to clear and he begins to see many things are wrong with the relationship he has with his wife. The relationship is not balanced but skewed in her favour.

He tries to reverse this but our dear queen wifey will have none of it. Conflict ensues, and we start reading stuff like: "the man I married has changed", "I think he his losing interest in me."

As the crisis gets protracted, both parties remember that they have families. The husband seeks advice from "his people" whom wife had alienated with her "my marriage will be the sweetest thing ever approach". Of course, they will advice their son to "be the man of his house and take no rubbish".

Wife will also meet her family especially her mother and sisters for advice. They may tell her to persevere (because they know her behavioural challenges all too well). Wifey is disappointed, she expected to be told that she's right with her approach to issues in her marriage.

She becomes bitter and cannot learn to be submissive, she has always had her way. Husband too now wants to be the man who is in control.

Is it not a matter of time before it all comes crashing down?

maclatunji:

This I can work with. However, the wife should stop spewing rubbish whilst she's at it. Blind solidarity does not help your cause as women.

cotton101: why this topic has generated 2 pages is beyond me - before that child reaches 3 she will be begging her husband for another - chillax everyone - most first time mothers say this. My daughter is almost 2 and I am already picking names for the yet to be conceived second child - JOKE!!

don't worry when this lady realises that the child needs a sibling no amount of NL debating will tell her to start taking folic acid

debrief08: Before you ask if she is being deceitful please answer the following questions:
1. Did she have a traumatic child birth?
2. did she suffer or still suffers postpartum depression?
3. Are they both financially stable or do the suffer for pampers and feeding money but "believe that God will provide" for the mulitiple kids her husband intends they produce?

Most times we stick our noises in the affairs of others without considering what they are going through. People have issues they deal with, marriage is hard enough without some relative second guessing decisions of a couple, this is between her and her husband and he should find out why his wife changed her mind and give her time to reconsider her feelings, also find out why she is changing her tune if she has any of the issues mentioned above instead of going to gossip to his family members.
My Husband wanted 1 child, I wanted 3, but we agreed on 2 and have stopped at that, even though I have 2 boys, i will not do longer throat of looking for a girl, I am thankful for these 2 I have. Training children now is hard, I like being involved in my children's lives, I also have a career and a business to run, School fees are crazy, I intend to adopt later when we are more settled. Not to forget postpartum depression I had with my last baby after a life threatening and traumatic child birth. Immediately after my babys birth my husband took me to get long term birth control, a lot of people were twisting their mouths and saying what they want but they are not the ones who will birth or raise the kids, the kids are our responsibility and people should decide based on available finances and physucal conditions just how many they can care for and not just breed based on ":hope"

ileobatojo:

Different sides to the same coin. There's not much difference between what I said and what the other ladies you've been arguing with have said.

IfeLuvely: As far as I know, the birth wasn not traumatic, and although she was a bit down after the birth, I honestly think she is better now and they are both Financially stable, the husband is an engineer and she is a pharmacist. [b]They live in the UK and one of the paramount excuse that she is forever saying is do i know how much private schools costs in the UK? she said she is not prepare to send her son to a state run school, [/b]even though i believe state run schools in the UK are still as good as a private education.

Also beforwe she got pregnant she started some training to qualify her to be a manager of the pharmacy she works, but since she got pregnant and went on maternity leave, her work place have sent someone else on these course, and she said imagine her having another kid, she might never make it to that managerial post

maclatunji:

There's a difference O. See how our dear Efemena has been promoting her "one-child" policy.

@Cotton101, don't mind us. It's a test of wills between the two of us. She's preaching what she doesn't practice and I don't think that is fair at all on a public forum where some naive person may pick your points and start following it with dire consequences. That just ticked-me-off.

Anybody can see that the wife is basically saying: "Dude! Give me a break...

maclatunji:

I am tempted to ask: how many kids do you have?

Let's face it, the primary function that marriage serves for the overwhelming majority of young people that enter it is to have kid[b]s[/b] and nurture them in the best way possible. It is not to have one child and say no more! For all intent and purposes if you didn't stick to you and China's 1-child policy, you're talking nonsense here.

How many a husband will be happy with only one child when he knows that he and his wife are okay and he is a responsible man? Which extended family will wish only one child for their son knowing that his wife is the obstacle.
In fact, the woman might as well pack her bags and leave immediately, she would have evicted herself from her marriage.

I never advised the man to marry a second wife but there is such a thing as cause and effect. By the way, who determines how many children the couple can afford? The wife? Efemena seriously?

maclatunji: ^LOL. Don't go preaching potential marriage breaking sermons jor. Whether you are married in Otukpo, Chelsea or Siberia. No sane person wants to have a failed marriage. The way to do that is to maintain balance. Forget money, what if the child decides that he wants a state run school? Where would all of Mommy's super planning go?

Go and write a novel or something and stop having an e-debate with moi .

IfeLuvely: As far as I know, the birth wasn not traumatic, and although she was a bit down after the birth, I honestly think she is better now and they are both Financially stable, the husband is an engineer and she is a pharmacist. They live in the UK and one of the paramount excuse that she is forever saying is do i know how much private schools costs in the UK? she said she is not prepare to send her son to a state run school, even though i believe state run schools in the UK are still as good as a private education.

Also beforwe she got pregnant she started some training to qualify her to be a manager of the pharmacy she works, but since she got pregnant and went on maternity leave, her work place have sent someone else on these course, and she said imagine her having another kid, she might never make it to that managerial post