PART ONE

Back in the days at Onitsha, i stayed behind Mallam osumanu's house.
Mallam osumanu had this fine daughter Ramatu.
Ramatu was sooo pretty i couldnt resist her so i had to propose to her.
I proposed to her finally but she told me she couldnt date a christian. ."shittz!!" i thought, erected and left. .

PART TWO

Now, when i realised i couldnt get this hot babe for " dinner" i consulted my good friend pele.
Pele gave me a master plan.
I knew Ramatu always sat under that big acacia tree beside their house to pound yam.
With the aid of friends and sympathizers , i dug a huge pit under the chair under the tree, scraped a whole through the chair and covered the pit with roofing sheets, dry leaves and sand.
i did it sooo cleverly that, you wouldnt notice it. I rushed to the drug store to get myself 50 packs of VIAGRA, dont ask me what for. . .

PART THREE

IT was evening and ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.My rod was already inside the hole soooooooooo hard.
she sat right on it, omg it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet . she began moaning and felt very sleepy.i did it like i was maaaaaaad.Ramatu's mother noticed her asleep and asked " why are you sleeping ramatu?" she replied "mama i have exams to write tommorrow so i need to sleep now to keep vigil tonight"

PART FOUR

Now this went on and on and on but Ramatu never knew i was the one behind her excitements.
Anytime she saw me in town, she wouldnt even greet me and all that.
so one hoooooooooot afternoon, Ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.
She sat on my thing, and i began the to and fro movement.
this time she was enjoying it too much so she fell asleep and left the yam unpounded.she was almost in coma.
Her mother was sooo angry when she came to the scene.
She insulted and beat up Ramatu for sleeping and drove her off the seat though Ramatu was reluctant at first.
Her mother, Mrs osumanu then sat on the seat to pound it herself. .

PART FIVE

Now mrs osumanu sat firmly on my thing.
i began the to an fro.
she was speechless for a while.
Ramatu was watching jelously and murmuring.
mrs Osumanu started moaning " Ramatu thats why you dey,sleep ooo" she said this several times and Ramatu was very angry at her mum.60 minutes later, mrs Osumanu left and there was a quarrel between her and Ramatu.
I went there after gone to change my self to ask why they were quarreling and they all said it was a small family matter, so i left. .

PART SIX

Now one hot afternoon, Ramatu returned from school.
There was some yam to be pounded, she went for them eager to come and pound but just as she was about to leave the kitchen, her mum grabbed the yam from her and shouted " didnt you see someone is ready to pound these yams?"
This started a quarrel.
They quarreled and fought and quarreled over who must pound the yam till Papa Osumanu himself arrived home.
" why are u quarreling with Ramatu?" he inquired
There was no answer and from there, there was complete silence.
I was eagerly waiting in the pit for my "lunch"
Before i realised, there was someone on the seat.
i began smiling in the pit and moved my "rod" through the whole.
But it hit one hard thing, " snake!!!"Papa osumanu got up from the seat and yelled.
i came out from my pit and took to my heels. Papa osumanu tried giving me a chase, but i was too fast, he fell on the ground.


PART SEVEN
Now two months later, i was passing by the Osumanu's house and noticed something strange.
Ramatu was pregnant.
mrs Osumanu was also pregnant."wow!, these are my babies" i thought.
But how do i claim Them? since nobody knew i was the one behind all the "pounding escapades"
i consulted the oracle at Onitscha and the oracle told me if i wanted the babies, i must bring two testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, one live crocodile, my landlord's early morning urine and two bottles of shnapps.
it kept me wondering. .


PART EIGHT

Now i left the oracle, and for two weeks, i still couldnt get some of the items the fetish priest asked me to get.So i went back to him and told him.He suddenly got up from his seat and yelled at me "you either go and bring those items or you go madddd!!!".I was shivering, soooooooooooooooo much scared.where would i get testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, a live crocodile, and all that.so i told him i was no longer interested in claiming the babies any longer but he again yelled "you must get the babies nowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"
i was so so so so frightened, so i again asked him if i couldnt pay everything in cash and he replied "now you are talking" He brought out one big leaf which he said was the calculator of the gods, made some incantations and said everything would cost 5000naira.I begged for a reduction so he did his incantations again to beg the gods to reduce the amount.When he finished he told me the gods had been angered by the reduction request so they had increased it to 10 000 naira.WTF!! lipsrsealed
i fainted. . . .. . . ..



RAMATU PART NINE

Now hours later, i regained conciousness and finally agreed to pay the said sum to the gods.
Ileft for the house and was thinking how to raise the 10000 naira.
i finally had an idea.
In the night, when it was around 11pm, i tip-toed to baba issa's pen.Baba issa had sooooooo many goats with odour.I looked through and saw this faaaaaaaaaaat one which was bow-legged.i grabbed it by the left leg and wanted to bleat so i wrapped my hankerchief and put it in its mouth.it was very heavy, i managed to carry it to my house.
Next day, i heard an announcement that a goat was missing.I went to baba issa's compound and lots of people converged there expressing their worries and sympathy about the theft.one man uncle mike saw me and asked "have you heard about the theft?" i said " oh!, hmmm, na only Allah go punish whoever stole this goat ooo".i expressed my condolense to baba issa and left.That same day, i saw a poster on the street with the missing goat's picture with an inscription "missing, find him and get a handsome reward".I laghed throughout the night.
Now when it was 11 pm, i left my house again and tip-toed to baba issah's pen with my sack and torchlight.
i looked through well well and saw another fiiiiiiiiine goat.
i grabbed it by the legs, it was bow-legged, covered its mouth and pushed it into my sack.

RAMATU PART 10

Now within three days, i had stolen seven goats from baba issa's pen and was still thirsty for more.
so as usual, it was 11pm and i took my sack and left for baba issa's pen.
it was until i got to the site that i realised i had left my torchlight in the house.
i decided to forget about it and make way for my 8th booty.
i looked through the pen and saw blurred images of various goats.i spotted an unusually fat one so did the sign of cross and entered the pen.
i grabbed it and carried it on my head since it was toooooooooooo fat.
the moment i stepped out of the pen i experienced one haaaaaaaaaaaard sharp slap on my right cheek so i dropped the booty.it was a human being i was carrying.
my body's temperature rose abnormally so i took to my heels with the guy giving me one hooooooooot chase.
i was sweating like a pregnant fish and the guy was still chasing me with usual chants "thief, thiefoooo!!!, thief, thief " waking up everybody to join me in the chase


PART 11

Now almost everybody in the vicinity was awake chasing.
they finally caught me, and i swear i cant forget the beatings that night grin
one guy i felt his punches soooooooooo much was pozo, the painter.The only good news about the beating was that, because it was dark nobody really recognised me.
i was sooooo weak and tired so fell unto the ground and pretended to be dead,.this made them hold on for a bit and by the time they realised, i took to my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels


RAMATU PART 12
now soon it was morning, so i headed straight for my mirror and looked at myself.gosh, i was no different from a boxer that had been knocked down in the 6th round.
i already was hearing discussions from the compound about how a thief was caught in baba issa's house.my landlord oga lukeman was sooo excited about the news "but why dem no kill am," he kept screaming "you want make them kill your papa?" i thought
hours later, i stepped out of my room to go get a bath.now when everyone saw my deformed and miserable state, they wondered.oga lukeman querried "bin, since when did you become eppileptic?" "na u sabbi ooo!" i reply am
after taking my bath, i headed staight to the oracle as i had gotten the 10 000 naira price.
everybody that saw me on the way couldnt recognise me because i was deformed via the beatings.
soon i was at the oracle and the priest was wearing an unusual frown.he said the gods were angry due to the delay. . .


RAMATU PART 13

so i knelt down n apologized to the gods so they accepted my offer.the priest made some incantations n gave me some powder n said "go to their house now n claim your babies" i was so excited, so i made straight for the osumanus house.i saw so many people converged in the house, so i asked wat was happening when one albino guy told me ramatu and her mum had both had a miscarriage!
i fainted.i woke up the next day at the hospital with my friend pele sitting beside me.


RAMATU PART 14

Now pele gave me the news that mrs Osumanu had kicked the bucket and papa Osumanu too had kicked the bucket after fainting.
Ramatu was the only surviving member of the family though she also miscarried.
the news made me very very sad, though my "thing was very hard and standing"
Pele came from the doctor's room and said my bill was 1500 naira, my GoD HOW WOULD I PAY.. .
In the afternoon, when pele had gone home, a nurse entered my ward and was just moving around.
i looked left, looked right, grabbed her , pushed her unto my sick bed and forcibly "gave it to her" grin
At first she was crying "please stop what u r doing, please stop what you r doing " but when i began stopping she changed her cry to "please do what you are stopping, please do what you are stopping" she enjoyed it soooo much that she fell asleep.
i removed her dress and put it on


RAMATU PART 15
Now because of the nurse's attire i was wearing, i escaped from the hospital without paying the bills.
i remember giving one hoooot slap to the old security officer who tried to interrogate me.

i was getting close to my house when i spotted a painter on a ladder climbing to the fourth floor of a six-story building.
i finally recognised him.it was pozo the painter who gave me some hoot slaps the other night.
i shook the ladder several times and finally saw him descending from the skies crying out loud grin
He hit the ground and i saw his skull splitting into pieces.
i looked right, looked left, there was no one coming so i took to my heels.


RAMATU PART 16
I woke up next morning and the whole of Onitsha was mourning.
mr and mrs osumanu were all dead.Pozo the painter was also gone.
People kept speculating the cause of pozo's death.
i was thinking about what to do to the priest who had taken my money and still couldnt get me my babies.
i finally devised a plan.
i sharpened my machette and made for the oracle,.when i got there, the priest was eating egusi and pounded yam.the moment he saw me he smiled and said "hey, my son you are welcome ooooo"
i removed my machette and he took to his heels. i gave him one hooot chase with my machette. . . .

RAMATU PART 17

STill chasing the fraudster(priest) with my machette , i just saw one okada knock him down.i retreated straight to the oracle.i entered the secret room and saw the scary looking object revered as god.it was a carved wood with a black painting.i carried it into my bag, pissed all over the place n left for the house.
soon i was in my ròom so i pushed the bag under my bed n rested on the carpet. it was around 2pm and i slept.i had a dream where i was being pursued by so many dogs.

RAMATU PART 18
One dog finally caught me.it chewed off all my nyansh and kpekus.it was about time for the scary looking dog to eat my nyansh when i woke up.i was sweating and panting, i checked the clock and it was 8pm.all of a sudden, i heard a noise from under my bed, "take me back, take me back, take me back".i hurriedly jumped off my bed and rushed out of the room with full momentum.it was after i stepped out of the room i realised i was Unclad and erect


RAMATU PART 19
The noise from under my bed woke everybody up on the compound.My landlord oga lukeman also came out wearing just boxer shorts.they all asked me why i was running at that time but i only asked them to enter my room and see for themselves.Totaling about 20 people all entered my room, and they could stay for even a minute, they all began screaming and attempted escaping, but a stampede occured at the door and almost everyone was on the floor.funny enough, i saw my landlord oga lukeman lying helplessly on the wife of the plumber.oga lukeman though was scared and crying yet was moving his waist up and down

RAMATU PART 20

It was getting to 12 o'clock midnight, and a crowd had converged at the house.They all could hear the sound coming from my room, "take me back, take me back, take me back" this time with echo.it was then a guy claiming to be a man of God devoted himself to go and get whatever was making that noise,.He brought out his bible, spoke some tongues and entered my room.Most women amongst the crowd were praying.till then i realised i was still erect and at this time i was having serious abdominal pains.two minutes later. .


RAMATU PART 21
Now two minutes after the man of God had been in my room, we heard sounds of slaps, "ppa!, ppaaa!!, ppppaaaaaa!!!!". . then we saw the guy zooming out of the room with full speed crying and screaming "chineke ei!, chinekei!!, amadioha save mee ooo. . ."
the self-acclaimed pastor's athletism and pace prompted every one on the compound to run away, of course i was the first to escape.
Though i was scared to the bone, my lips were still beaming with smiles as i was laughing at the pastor and my landlord who fell off trying to run cas of his pot belly.
Nobody slept that night for the scare of the sound coming from my room.what i failed to understand was the fact that i was still erect

RAMATU PART 22
I kept vigil with my friend pele throughout the night till it was morning.My Attention was more intense now and was paining me.
It was there Pele suggested he knew one powerful medicineman at cotonou who could cure my Attention disorder, but we had no money.
Then we devised a plan.
We went out to where the mosque was.We saw muslims in the mosque bowing to praise Allah.At the doorstep of the mosque was about 200 pairs of sandals.it belonged to the worshippers since they were not allowed to enter the mosque with footwear .Pele and i packed all the sandals into our sack and took to our heels.Not long after we began running, we saw the muslims coming out of the mosque, spotting us and giving us a hooooooooot chase. . .


RAMATU PART 23
It was scary because the muslims were fast, but i proved that day i had olympic gold potentials.We run and run and run till we out-paced the angry muslims who needed their sandals' badly with chants of "worlahi!!.". "allah!" "chei!!".
We came across this taxi which we hopped into with our booty.Pele sat at the front with the sack and i was in the back where i spotted this blind hunchback reading a book titled "hunchbacks and rituals"
NOT long after we joined the taxi, then BBBBBBAAMMMMM!!!!. . .

RAMATU PART 24
A truck had crashed into our taxi.Our driver died on the spot.I saw pele also very badly injured with all his front teeth removed, i was laughing, because i was not that hurt.Then i saw rescuers enter our taxi to help us get out.They brought out pele and the deceased taxi driver.I checked on the driver's seat and spotted some naira notes, i quickly grabbed them and stuffed them into my pocket.
The rescuers brought out the hunchback and they thought the accident had given him that hunchback so they were going to stretch him to become normal when he cried out nasally " na so i be oo abeg dont stretch me eeeeee!!" i was full of lafta



WATCH OUT FOR RAMATU PART 25. . . . .. . . . . .


RAMATU PART 25
The rescuers wouldnt take any of that from the poor hunchback, but still went ahead to stretch him violently and soon i heard a loud rhythmic fart with echo coming from the abled anus of the hunchback, the rescuers suddenly dropped him to the ground and took to their heels.Soon, houseflies, bluebottles, bees and other violent flies engulfed the scene, as i covered my nostrils tightly to block the repugnant stench from entering my nostrils.It was then i realised i was still erect. .this time even harder.
Soon i spotted the angry muslims chanting war songs heading towards my area so i set off in Usain Bolt style, with the sack containing their sandals firmly in my grips.

RAMATU PART 26
The muslims were now closer to me than ever when i saw an albino heading towards mee on his bicycle.Whilst riding past me, i pushed him off his bike, took charge of it and rode like i was maaaad.I rode and rode and rode and before i realised, i was at the Lagos airpot."oh my God" i thought.I saw one giant aeroplane with the inscription "VIRGIN NIGERIA".I saw people in ques trooping into the aeroplane.I hurriedly joined them, and soon i was inside the plane, without anyone asking me a word.i suddenly heard a lady's voice, that we must tighten our seat belts as the plane was about to take off. . ..



RAMATU PART 27
It was there and then i asked a white lady sitting close to me where we were going, to which she replied "AMERICA".I did the sign of cross then i could feel the plane moving.Just as the plane moved, i spotted one big grasscutter with speed cross over where i was seated, i got up and gave it a hooooot chase inside the plane.Everyone on board in shock was looking at me.I saw the grasscutter hop into the skirt of one fine babe, i stretched off my hand into the babe's skirt and caught the grasscutter.i removed my belt, tied it around the grass-cutter's neck and hanged it till it died.

RAMATU PART 28
I could hear lots of peeps on the flight murmuring, cursing and all that.I saw one lady who was dressed like a waitress on the plane, so i bave her the grasscutter to go and roast it for me.she took it and left.
it was just after this that two well built guys holding pistols asked everyone on the flight to say their last prayers and that they were suicide bombers.They quickly relesed a few gunshots into roof and everyone was shaking.It was at the same time we heard an announcement that, the pilot was having his eppileptic attack so everyone must pray hard.

RAMATU PART 29
I could hear many screaming, others praying but i was just erect and shivering.I crawled on the floor into the pilots room to take charge of the plane which was already at the verge of crashing.I saw the pilot who had had an eppileptic attack's miserable body in the room with foam all over his mouth.I gave him two dirty slaps and then decided to pilot the plane myself.Try as i could, i could not do anything.Luckily, i spotted two parachutes, i took both, through the windows i gently descended down the plane with a much harder Attention coupled with series of farts. . . grin


RAMATU PART 30
I finally touched down and i found myself in a very strange place.It was a shrine.I saw the fetish priest, very old and tattered .He asked me my mission in his shrine and i told him the story.He promised he could cure my erectionn disorder, but i will have to pay him.I told him i had no money so we came to a compromise that, i will stay in the shrine and work for him for one year when he healed me of the erecttion fever.He told me to cure my errection, i had to bleep his godess, who was half-human, half snake.i fainted!!!


RAMATU PART 31
So early the next morning, i the fetish priest woke me up and marched me straight to the godess' room, and true to his words, she was half-woman half snake.I was trembling by her or should i say its sight alone.My fear came to its peak when the scary goddess screamed "come!!!!, my darling come!!!!!!!" i almost fell into a coma-ic faint, but i still mustered courage and went to it. . .

RAMATU PART 32
I began the to and fro and mhen, it was soooo sweeeeet!!!
The other problem was, though i had covered both nostrils, i still couldnt hold the odour.The godess was damn smelling so i would spit occasionally.
The scary goddess reminded me so much of ramatu.
Before i realised it was already evening and i had already done 56 rounds and the dirty scary godess was still screaming "more!!, more!!! more!!!!! more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i fainted twice all of a sudden and erected haard.


RAMATU PART 33
I woke up next morning in the priest,s room who had a huge frown on his face.He said the godess said i had impressed her so she wanted to marry me!!I wanted to faint, but faint wouldnt come.
So i wa s locked up with the dirty Godess' in that room for 30 days.
It was after these 30 days of intensive to and fro movement that the priest called me into his room and told me the goddess had missed her period, and that it/she was pregnant for me, WTF!!!
One thing i was thankful for was the fact that, my errection problem was gone, but i was now as lean as the number 1


RAMATU PART 34
So in the afternoon, the priest and i were in the goddes' room.
The goddess was wearing a gown and i was given suits to wear.
The priest said "do you bin, take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
before i could say i do, the smell in the room changed, as if an animal had died and gotten rotten there.
So i covered my nostrils, and spat thrice, but it was there that, the priest told me angrily "dont you dare do that again!!, dont you know that's a holy fart by the godess?" i immediately pissed all over my body


RAMATU PART 35
So the priest still wearing a frown, said again "do you bin take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
. . ."i do " i replied nasally.
Then the priest further said "now you may kiss your bride "
Out of fear, i moved my lips close to the godess' lips when i saw maggots coming out from her mouth.Her mouth was also damn smelling like Mogul's anus, worlahi!!.
So i immediately moved back, spat again angrily and screamed " pppppoahh!!, you nor dey brush your teeth!!!"
The priest got angry and started making some incantations.
I soon found myself bleeting.
I had been turned to a ram

WATCH OUT FOR PART 36


UP PROJAN!!!!!!

Bin abeg come give us more .

Homar: Bin abeg come give us more .

just watch out for partsnn36----60 soon

Homar: Bin abeg come give us more .

UP PROJAN

larride:



UP PROJAN

UP UP UP UP!!!!

Quietly waiting for the other episode

bunmioguns: Quietly waiting for the other episode

* in a pensive mood thinking about part 36 **

larride:

your excellency, why you come bone??

larride:

Where is the remaining epistle now?

larride: Where is the remaining epistle now?

still preparing them. . ..it will hit your screens soon

Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 12:40pm On Oct 26
PART ONE

Back in the days at Onitsha, i stayed behind Mallam osumanu's house.
Mallam osumanu had this fine daughter Ramatu.
Ramatu was sooo pretty i couldnt resist her so i had to propose to her.
I proposed to her finally but she told me she couldnt date a christian. ."shittz!!" i thought, erected and left. .

PART TWO

Now, when i realised i couldnt get this hot babe for " dinner" i consulted my good friend pele.
Pele gave me a master plan.
I knew Ramatu always sat under that big acacia tree beside their house to pound yam.
With the aid of friends and sympathizers , i dug a huge pit under the chair under the tree, scraped a whole through the chair and covered the pit with roofing sheets, dry leaves and sand.
i did it sooo cleverly that, you wouldnt notice it. I rushed to the drug store to get myself 50 packs of VIAGRA, dont ask me what for. . .

PART THREE

IT was evening and ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.My rod was already inside the hole soooooooooo hard.
she sat right on it, omg it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet . she began moaning and felt very sleepy.i did it like i was maaaaaaad.Ramatu's mother noticed her asleep and asked " why are you sleeping ramatu?" she replied "mama i have exams to write tommorrow so i need to sleep now to keep vigil tonight"

PART FOUR

Now this went on and on and on but Ramatu never knew i was the one behind her excitements.
Anytime she saw me in town, she wouldnt even greet me and all that.
so one hoooooooooot afternoon, Ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.
She sat on my thing, and i began the to and fro movement.
this time she was enjoying it too much so she fell asleep and left the yam unpounded.she was almost in coma.
Her mother was sooo angry when she came to the scene.
She insulted and beat up Ramatu for sleeping and drove her off the seat though Ramatu was reluctant at first.
Her mother, Mrs osumanu then sat on the seat to pound it herself. .

PART FIVE

Now mrs osumanu sat firmly on my thing.
i began the to an fro.
she was speechless for a while.
Ramatu was watching jelously and murmuring.
mrs Osumanu started moaning " Ramatu thats why you dey,sleep ooo" she said this several times and Ramatu was very angry at her mum.60 minutes later, mrs Osumanu left and there was a quarrel between her and Ramatu.
I went there after gone to change my self to ask why they were quarreling and they all said it was a small family matter, so i left. .

PART SIX

Now one hot afternoon, Ramatu returned from school.
There was some yam to be pounded, she went for them eager to come and pound but just as she was about to leave the kitchen, her mum grabbed the yam from her and shouted " didnt you see someone is ready to pound these yams?"
This started a quarrel.
They quarreled and fought and quarreled over who must pound the yam till Papa Osumanu himself arrived home.
" why are u quarreling with Ramatu?" he inquired
There was no answer and from there, there was complete silence.
I was eagerly waiting in the pit for my "lunch"
Before i realised, there was someone on the seat.
i began smiling in the pit and moved my "rod" through the whole.
But it hit one hard thing, " snake!!!"Papa osumanu got up from the seat and yelled.
i came out from my pit and took to my heels. Papa osumanu tried giving me a chase, but i was too fast, he fell on the ground.


PART SEVEN
Now two months later, i was passing by the Osumanu's house and noticed something strange.
Ramatu was pregnant.
mrs Osumanu was also pregnant."wow!, these are my babies" i thought.
But how do i claim Them? since nobody knew i was the one behind all the "pounding escapades"
i consulted the oracle at Onitscha and the oracle told me if i wanted the babies, i must bring two testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, one live crocodile, my landlord's early morning urine and two bottles of shnapps.
it kept me wondering. .


PART EIGHT

Now i left the oracle, and for two weeks, i still couldnt get some of the items the fetish priest asked me to get.So i went back to him and told him.He suddenly got up from his seat and yelled at me "you either go and bring those items or you go madddd!!!".I was shivering, soooooooooooooooo much scared.where would i get testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, a live crocodile, and all that.so i told him i was no longer interested in claiming the babies any longer but he again yelled "you must get the babies nowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"
i was so so so so frightened, so i again asked him if i couldnt pay everything in cash and he replied "now you are talking" He brought out one big leaf which he said was the calculator of the gods, made some incantations and said everything would cost 5000naira.I begged for a reduction so he did his incantations again to beg the gods to reduce the amount.When he finished he told me the gods had been angered by the reduction request so they had increased it to 10 000 naira.WTF!! lipsrsealed
i fainted. . . .. . . ..



RAMATU PART NINE

Now hours later, i regained conciousness and finally agreed to pay the said sum to the gods.
Ileft for the house and was thinking how to raise the 10000 naira.
i finally had an idea.
In the night, when it was around 11pm, i tip-toed to baba issa's pen.Baba issa had sooooooo many goats with odour.I looked through and saw this faaaaaaaaaaat one which was bow-legged.i grabbed it by the left leg and wanted to bleat so i wrapped my hankerchief and put it in its mouth.it was very heavy, i managed to carry it to my house.
Next day, i heard an announcement that a goat was missing.I went to baba issa's compound and lots of people converged there expressing their worries and sympathy about the theft.one man uncle mike saw me and asked "have you heard about the theft?" i said " oh!, hmmm, na only Allah go punish whoever stole this goat ooo".i expressed my condolense to baba issa and left.That same day, i saw a poster on the street with the missing goat's picture with an inscription "missing, find him and get a handsome reward".I laghed throughout the night.
Now when it was 11 pm, i left my house again and tip-toed to baba issah's pen with my sack and torchlight.
i looked through well well and saw another fiiiiiiiiine goat.
i grabbed it by the legs, it was bow-legged, covered its mouth and pushed it into my sack.

RAMATU PART 10

Now within three days, i had stolen seven goats from baba issa's pen and was still thirsty for more.
so as usual, it was 11pm and i took my sack and left for baba issa's pen.
it was until i got to the site that i realised i had left my torchlight in the house.
i decided to forget about it and make way for my 8th booty.
i looked through the pen and saw blurred images of various goats.i spotted an unusually fat one so did the sign of cross and entered the pen.
i grabbed it and carried it on my head since it was toooooooooooo fat.
the moment i stepped out of the pen i experienced one haaaaaaaaaaaard sharp slap on my right cheek so i dropped the booty.it was a human being i was carrying.
my body's temperature rose abnormally so i took to my heels with the guy giving me one hooooooooot chase.
i was sweating like a pregnant fish and the guy was still chasing me with usual chants "thief, thiefoooo!!!, thief, thief " waking up everybody to join me in the chase


PART 11

Now almost everybody in the vicinity was awake chasing.
they finally caught me, and i swear i cant forget the beatings that night grin
one guy i felt his punches soooooooooo much was pozo, the painter.The only good news about the beating was that, because it was dark nobody really recognised me.
i was sooooo weak and tired so fell unto the ground and pretended to be dead,.this made them hold on for a bit and by the time they realised, i took to my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels


RAMATU PART 12
now soon it was morning, so i headed straight for my mirror and looked at myself.gosh, i was no different from a boxer that had been knocked down in the 6th round.
i already was hearing discussions from the compound about how a thief was caught in baba issa's house.my landlord oga lukeman was sooo excited about the news "but why dem no kill am," he kept screaming "you want make them kill your papa?" i thought
hours later, i stepped out of my room to go get a bath.now when everyone saw my deformed and miserable state, they wondered.oga lukeman querried "bin, since when did you become eppileptic?" "na u sabbi ooo!" i reply am
after taking my bath, i headed staight to the oracle as i had gotten the 10 000 naira price.
everybody that saw me on the way couldnt recognise me because i was deformed via the beatings.
soon i was at the oracle and the priest was wearing an unusual frown.he said the gods were angry due to the delay. . .


RAMATU PART 13

so i knelt down n apologized to the gods so they accepted my offer.the priest made some incantations n gave me some powder n said "go to their house now n claim your babies" i was so excited, so i made straight for the osumanus house.i saw so many people converged in the house, so i asked wat was happening when one albino guy told me ramatu and her mum had both had a miscarriage!
i fainted.i woke up the next day at the hospital with my friend pele sitting beside me.


RAMATU PART 14

Now pele gave me the news that mrs Osumanu had kicked the bucket and papa Osumanu too had kicked the bucket after fainting.
Ramatu was the only surviving member of the family though she also miscarried.
the news made me very very sad, though my "thing was very hard and standing"
Pele came from the doctor's room and said my bill was 1500 naira, my GoD HOW WOULD I PAY.. .
In the afternoon, when pele had gone home, a nurse entered my ward and was just moving around.
i looked left, looked right, grabbed her , pushed her unto my sick bed and forcibly "gave it to her" grin
At first she was crying "please stop what u r doing, please stop what you r doing " but when i began stopping she changed her cry to "please do what you are stopping, please do what you are stopping" she enjoyed it soooo much that she fell asleep.
i removed her dress and put it on


RAMATU PART 15
Now because of the nurse's attire i was wearing, i escaped from the hospital without paying the bills.
i remember giving one hoooot slap to the old security officer who tried to interrogate me.

i was getting close to my house when i spotted a painter on a ladder climbing to the fourth floor of a six-story building.
i finally recognised him.it was pozo the painter who gave me some hoot slaps the other night.
i shook the ladder several times and finally saw him descending from the skies crying out loud grin
He hit the ground and i saw his skull splitting into pieces.
i looked right, looked left, there was no one coming so i took to my heels.


RAMATU PART 16
I woke up next morning and the whole of Onitsha was mourning.
mr and mrs osumanu were all dead.Pozo the painter was also gone.
People kept speculating the cause of pozo's death.
i was thinking about what to do to the priest who had taken my money and still couldnt get me my babies.
i finally devised a plan.
i sharpened my machette and made for the oracle,.when i got there, the priest was eating egusi and pounded yam.the moment he saw me he smiled and said "hey, my son you are welcome ooooo"
i removed my machette and he took to his heels. i gave him one hooot chase with my machette. . . .

RAMATU PART 17

STill chasing the fraudster(priest) with my machette , i just saw one okada knock him down.i retreated straight to the oracle.i entered the secret room and saw the scary looking object revered as god.it was a carved wood with a black painting.i carried it into my bag, pissed all over the place n left for the house.
soon i was in my ròom so i pushed the bag under my bed n rested on the carpet. it was around 2pm and i slept.i had a dream where i was being pursued by so many dogs.

RAMATU PART 18
One dog finally caught me.it chewed off all my nyansh and kpekus.it was about time for the scary looking dog to eat my nyansh when i woke up.i was sweating and panting, i checked the clock and it was 8pm.all of a sudden, i heard a noise from under my bed, "take me back, take me back, take me back".i hurriedly jumped off my bed and rushed out of the room with full momentum.it was after i stepped out of the room i realised i was Unclad and erect


RAMATU PART 19
The noise from under my bed woke everybody up on the compound.My landlord oga lukeman also came out wearing just boxer shorts.they all asked me why i was running at that time but i only asked them to enter my room and see for themselves.Totaling about 20 people all entered my room, and they could stay for even a minute, they all began screaming and attempted escaping, but a stampede occured at the door and almost everyone was on the floor.funny enough, i saw my landlord oga lukeman lying helplessly on the wife of the plumber.oga lukeman though was scared and crying yet was moving his waist up and down

RAMATU PART 20

It was getting to 12 o'clock midnight, and a crowd had converged at the house.They all could hear the sound coming from my room, "take me back, take me back, take me back" this time with echo.it was then a guy claiming to be a man of God devoted himself to go and get whatever was making that noise,.He brought out his bible, spoke some tongues and entered my room.Most women amongst the crowd were praying.till then i realised i was still erect and at this time i was having serious abdominal pains.two minutes later. .


RAMATU PART 21
Now two minutes after the man of God had been in my room, we heard sounds of slaps, "ppa!, ppaaa!!, ppppaaaaaa!!!!". . then we saw the guy zooming out of the room with full speed crying and screaming "chineke ei!, chinekei!!, amadioha save mee ooo. . ."
the self-acclaimed pastor's athletism and pace prompted every one on the compound to run away, of course i was the first to escape.
Though i was scared to the bone, my lips were still beaming with smiles as i was laughing at the pastor and my landlord who fell off trying to run cas of his pot belly.
Nobody slept that night for the scare of the sound coming from my room.what i failed to understand was the fact that i was still erect

RAMATU PART 22
I kept vigil with my friend pele throughout the night till it was morning.My Attention was more intense now and was paining me.
It was there Pele suggested he knew one powerful medicineman at cotonou who could cure my Attention disorder, but we had no money.
Then we devised a plan.
We went out to where the mosque was.We saw muslims in the mosque bowing to praise Allah.At the doorstep of the mosque was about 200 pairs of sandals.it belonged to the worshippers since they were not allowed to enter the mosque with footwear .Pele and i packed all the sandals into our sack and took to our heels.Not long after we began running, we saw the muslims coming out of the mosque, spotting us and giving us a hooooooooot chase. . .


RAMATU PART 23
It was scary because the muslims were fast, but i proved that day i had olympic gold potentials.We run and run and run till we out-paced the angry muslims who needed their sandals' badly with chants of "worlahi!!.". "allah!" "chei!!".
We came across this taxi which we hopped into with our booty.Pele sat at the front with the sack and i was in the back where i spotted this blind hunchback reading a book titled "hunchbacks and rituals"
NOT long after we joined the taxi, then BBBBBBAAMMMMM!!!!. . .

RAMATU PART 24
A truck had crashed into our taxi.Our driver died on the spot.I saw pele also very badly injured with all his front teeth removed, i was laughing, because i was not that hurt.Then i saw rescuers enter our taxi to help us get out.They brought out pele and the deceased taxi driver.I checked on the driver's seat and spotted some naira notes, i quickly grabbed them and stuffed them into my pocket.
The rescuers brought out the hunchback and they thought the accident had given him that hunchback so they were going to stretch him to become normal when he cried out nasally " na so i be oo abeg dont stretch me eeeeee!!" i was full of lafta



WATCH OUT FOR RAMATU PART 25. . . . .. . . . . .


RAMATU PART 25
The rescuers wouldnt take any of that from the poor hunchback, but still went ahead to stretch him violently and soon i heard a loud rhythmic fart with echo coming from the abled anus of the hunchback, the rescuers suddenly dropped him to the ground and took to their heels.Soon, houseflies, bluebottles, bees and other violent flies engulfed the scene, as i covered my nostrils tightly to block the repugnant stench from entering my nostrils.It was then i realised i was still erect. .this time even harder.
Soon i spotted the angry muslims chanting war songs heading towards my area so i set off in Usain Bolt style, with the sack containing their sandals firmly in my grips.

RAMATU PART 26
The muslims were now closer to me than ever when i saw an albino heading towards mee on his bicycle.Whilst riding past me, i pushed him off his bike, took charge of it and rode like i was maaaad.I rode and rode and rode and before i realised, i was at the Lagos airpot."oh my God" i thought.I saw one giant aeroplane with the inscription "VIRGIN NIGERIA".I saw people in ques trooping into the aeroplane.I hurriedly joined them, and soon i was inside the plane, without anyone asking me a word.i suddenly heard a lady's voice, that we must tighten our seat belts as the plane was about to take off. . ..



RAMATU PART 27
It was there and then i asked a white lady sitting close to me where we were going, to which she replied "AMERICA".I did the sign of cross then i could feel the plane moving.Just as the plane moved, i spotted one big grasscutter with speed cross over where i was seated, i got up and gave it a hooooot chase inside the plane.Everyone on board in shock was looking at me.I saw the grasscutter hop into the skirt of one fine babe, i stretched off my hand into the babe's skirt and caught the grasscutter.i removed my belt, tied it around the grass-cutter's neck and hanged it till it died.

RAMATU PART 28
I could hear lots of peeps on the flight murmuring, cursing and all that.I saw one lady who was dressed like a waitress on the plane, so i bave her the grasscutter to go and roast it for me.she took it and left.
it was just after this that two well built guys holding pistols asked everyone on the flight to say their last prayers and that they were suicide bombers.They quickly relesed a few gunshots into roof and everyone was shaking.It was at the same time we heard an announcement that, the pilot was having his eppileptic attack so everyone must pray hard.

RAMATU PART 29
I could hear many screaming, others praying but i was just erect and shivering.I crawled on the floor into the pilots room to take charge of the plane which was already at the verge of crashing.I saw the pilot who had had an eppileptic attack's miserable body in the room with foam all over his mouth.I gave him two dirty slaps and then decided to pilot the plane myself.Try as i could, i could not do anything.Luckily, i spotted two parachutes, i took both, through the windows i gently descended down the plane with a much harder Attention coupled with series of farts. . . grin


RAMATU PART 30
I finally touched down and i found myself in a very strange place.It was a shrine.I saw the fetish priest, very old and tattered .He asked me my mission in his shrine and i told him the story.He promised he could cure my erectionn disorder, but i will have to pay him.I told him i had no money so we came to a compromise that, i will stay in the shrine and work for him for one year when he healed me of the erecttion fever.He told me to cure my errection, i had to bleep his godess, who was half-human, half snake.i fainted!!!


RAMATU PART 31
So early the next morning, i the fetish priest woke me up and marched me straight to the godess' room, and true to his words, she was half-woman half snake.I was trembling by her or should i say its sight alone.My fear came to its peak when the scary goddess screamed "come!!!!, my darling come!!!!!!!" i almost fell into a coma-ic faint, but i still mustered courage and went to it. . .

RAMATU PART 32
I began the to and fro and mhen, it was soooo sweeeeet!!!
The other problem was, though i had covered both nostrils, i still couldnt hold the odour.The godess was damn smelling so i would spit occasionally.
The scary goddess reminded me so much of ramatu.
Before i realised it was already evening and i had already done 56 rounds and the dirty scary godess was still screaming "more!!, more!!! more!!!!! more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i fainted twice all of a sudden and erected haard.


RAMATU PART 33
I woke up next morning in the priest,s room who had a huge frown on his face.He said the godess said i had impressed her so she wanted to marry me!!I wanted to faint, but faint wouldnt come.
So i wa s locked up with the dirty Godess' in that room for 30 days.
It was after these 30 days of intensive to and fro movement that the priest called me into his room and told me the goddess had missed her period, and that it/she was pregnant for me, WTF!!!
One thing i was thankful for was the fact that, my errection problem was gone, but i was now as lean as the number 1


RAMATU PART 34
So in the afternoon, the priest and i were in the goddes' room.
The goddess was wearing a gown and i was given suits to wear.
The priest said "do you bin, take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
before i could say i do, the smell in the room changed, as if an animal had died and gotten rotten there.
So i covered my nostrils, and spat thrice, but it was there that, the priest told me angrily "dont you dare do that again!!, dont you know that's a holy fart by the godess?" i immediately pissed all over my body


RAMATU PART 35
So the priest still wearing a frown, said again "do you bin take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
. . ."i do " i replied nasally.
Then the priest further said "now you may kiss your bride "
Out of fear, i moved my lips close to the godess' lips when i saw maggots coming out from her mouth.Her mouth was also damn smelling like Mogul's anus, worlahi!!.
So i immediately moved back, spat again angrily and screamed " pppppoahh!!, you nor dey brush your teeth!!!"
The priest got angry and started making some incantations.
I soon found myself bleeting.
I had been turned to a ram

WATCH OUT FOR PART 36


UP PROJAN!!!!!!
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by Homar(m): 3:30pm On Oct 26
Bin abeg come give us more .
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AM A TRUE CORE BAYERN MUNICH FAN TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. Up munchen . UP NJPC we rule the jokes section .
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 5:44pm On Oct 26
Homar: Bin abeg come give us more .


just watch out for partsnn36----60 soon
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 6:36pm On Oct 26
Homar: Bin abeg come give us more .



UP PROJAN
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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 8:30pm On Oct 26
larride:



UP PROJAN



UP UP UP UP!!!!
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bunmioguns(m): 11:05am
Quietly waiting for the other episode
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SECOND IN COMMAND TO BG........JOKES PRESIDENT (PROJAN).......... HATERS SHOULD GO HUG TRANSFORMER
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 11:27am
bunmioguns: Quietly waiting for the other episode





* in a pensive mood thinking about part 36 **
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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 11:58am

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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 12:02pm
larride:



your excellency, why you come bone??
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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 12:23pm

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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 12:28pm
larride:




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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 12:53pm
Where is the remaining epistle now?
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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 2:47pm
larride: Where is the remaining epistle now?



still preparing them. . ..it will hit your screens soon
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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by Vivly(f): 2:55pm
na man u chelsea things o. ramatu wait aside
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Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 12:40pm On Oct 26
PART ONE

Back in the days at Onitsha, i stayed behind Mallam osumanu's house.
Mallam osumanu had this fine daughter Ramatu.
Ramatu was sooo pretty i couldnt resist her so i had to propose to her.
I proposed to her finally but she told me she couldnt date a christian. ."shittz!!" i thought, erected and left. .

PART TWO

Now, when i realised i couldnt get this hot babe for " dinner" i consulted my good friend pele.
Pele gave me a master plan.
I knew Ramatu always sat under that big acacia tree beside their house to pound yam.
With the aid of friends and sympathizers , i dug a huge pit under the chair under the tree, scraped a whole through the chair and covered the pit with roofing sheets, dry leaves and sand.
i did it sooo cleverly that, you wouldnt notice it. I rushed to the drug store to get myself 50 packs of VIAGRA, dont ask me what for. . .

PART THREE

IT was evening and ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.My rod was already inside the hole soooooooooo hard.
she sat right on it, omg it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet . she began moaning and felt very sleepy.i did it like i was maaaaaaad.Ramatu's mother noticed her asleep and asked " why are you sleeping ramatu?" she replied "mama i have exams to write tommorrow so i need to sleep now to keep vigil tonight"

PART FOUR

Now this went on and on and on but Ramatu never knew i was the one behind her excitements.
Anytime she saw me in town, she wouldnt even greet me and all that.
so one hoooooooooot afternoon, Ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.
She sat on my thing, and i began the to and fro movement.
this time she was enjoying it too much so she fell asleep and left the yam unpounded.she was almost in coma.
Her mother was sooo angry when she came to the scene.
She insulted and beat up Ramatu for sleeping and drove her off the seat though Ramatu was reluctant at first.
Her mother, Mrs osumanu then sat on the seat to pound it herself. .

PART FIVE

Now mrs osumanu sat firmly on my thing.
i began the to an fro.
she was speechless for a while.
Ramatu was watching jelously and murmuring.
mrs Osumanu started moaning " Ramatu thats why you dey,sleep ooo" she said this several times and Ramatu was very angry at her mum.60 minutes later, mrs Osumanu left and there was a quarrel between her and Ramatu.
I went there after gone to change my self to ask why they were quarreling and they all said it was a small family matter, so i left. .

PART SIX

Now one hot afternoon, Ramatu returned from school.
There was some yam to be pounded, she went for them eager to come and pound but just as she was about to leave the kitchen, her mum grabbed the yam from her and shouted " didnt you see someone is ready to pound these yams?"
This started a quarrel.
They quarreled and fought and quarreled over who must pound the yam till Papa Osumanu himself arrived home.
" why are u quarreling with Ramatu?" he inquired
There was no answer and from there, there was complete silence.
I was eagerly waiting in the pit for my "lunch"
Before i realised, there was someone on the seat.
i began smiling in the pit and moved my "rod" through the whole.
But it hit one hard thing, " snake!!!"Papa osumanu got up from the seat and yelled.
i came out from my pit and took to my heels. Papa osumanu tried giving me a chase, but i was too fast, he fell on the ground.


PART SEVEN
Now two months later, i was passing by the Osumanu's house and noticed something strange.
Ramatu was pregnant.
mrs Osumanu was also pregnant."wow!, these are my babies" i thought.
But how do i claim Them? since nobody knew i was the one behind all the "pounding escapades"
i consulted the oracle at Onitscha and the oracle told me if i wanted the babies, i must bring two testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, one live crocodile, my landlord's early morning urine and two bottles of shnapps.
it kept me wondering. .


PART EIGHT

Now i left the oracle, and for two weeks, i still couldnt get some of the items the fetish priest asked me to get.So i went back to him and told him.He suddenly got up from his seat and yelled at me "you either go and bring those items or you go madddd!!!".I was shivering, soooooooooooooooo much scared.where would i get testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, a live crocodile, and all that.so i told him i was no longer interested in claiming the babies any longer but he again yelled "you must get the babies nowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"
i was so so so so frightened, so i again asked him if i couldnt pay everything in cash and he replied "now you are talking" He brought out one big leaf which he said was the calculator of the gods, made some incantations and said everything would cost 5000naira.I begged for a reduction so he did his incantations again to beg the gods to reduce the amount.When he finished he told me the gods had been angered by the reduction request so they had increased it to 10 000 naira.WTF!! lipsrsealed
i fainted. . . .. . . ..



RAMATU PART NINE

Now hours later, i regained conciousness and finally agreed to pay the said sum to the gods.
Ileft for the house and was thinking how to raise the 10000 naira.
i finally had an idea.
In the night, when it was around 11pm, i tip-toed to baba issa's pen.Baba issa had sooooooo many goats with odour.I looked through and saw this faaaaaaaaaaat one which was bow-legged.i grabbed it by the left leg and wanted to bleat so i wrapped my hankerchief and put it in its mouth.it was very heavy, i managed to carry it to my house.
Next day, i heard an announcement that a goat was missing.I went to baba issa's compound and lots of people converged there expressing their worries and sympathy about the theft.one man uncle mike saw me and asked "have you heard about the theft?" i said " oh!, hmmm, na only Allah go punish whoever stole this goat ooo".i expressed my condolense to baba issa and left.That same day, i saw a poster on the street with the missing goat's picture with an inscription "missing, find him and get a handsome reward".I laghed throughout the night.
Now when it was 11 pm, i left my house again and tip-toed to baba issah's pen with my sack and torchlight.
i looked through well well and saw another fiiiiiiiiine goat.
i grabbed it by the legs, it was bow-legged, covered its mouth and pushed it into my sack.

RAMATU PART 10

Now within three days, i had stolen seven goats from baba issa's pen and was still thirsty for more.
so as usual, it was 11pm and i took my sack and left for baba issa's pen.
it was until i got to the site that i realised i had left my torchlight in the house.
i decided to forget about it and make way for my 8th booty.
i looked through the pen and saw blurred images of various goats.i spotted an unusually fat one so did the sign of cross and entered the pen.
i grabbed it and carried it on my head since it was toooooooooooo fat.
the moment i stepped out of the pen i experienced one haaaaaaaaaaaard sharp slap on my right cheek so i dropped the booty.it was a human being i was carrying.
my body's temperature rose abnormally so i took to my heels with the guy giving me one hooooooooot chase.
i was sweating like a pregnant fish and the guy was still chasing me with usual chants "thief, thiefoooo!!!, thief, thief " waking up everybody to join me in the chase


PART 11

Now almost everybody in the vicinity was awake chasing.
they finally caught me, and i swear i cant forget the beatings that night grin
one guy i felt his punches soooooooooo much was pozo, the painter.The only good news about the beating was that, because it was dark nobody really recognised me.
i was sooooo weak and tired so fell unto the ground and pretended to be dead,.this made them hold on for a bit and by the time they realised, i took to my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels


RAMATU PART 12
now soon it was morning, so i headed straight for my mirror and looked at myself.gosh, i was no different from a boxer that had been knocked down in the 6th round.
i already was hearing discussions from the compound about how a thief was caught in baba issa's house.my landlord oga lukeman was sooo excited about the news "but why dem no kill am," he kept screaming "you want make them kill your papa?" i thought
hours later, i stepped out of my room to go get a bath.now when everyone saw my deformed and miserable state, they wondered.oga lukeman querried "bin, since when did you become eppileptic?" "na u sabbi ooo!" i reply am
after taking my bath, i headed staight to the oracle as i had gotten the 10 000 naira price.
everybody that saw me on the way couldnt recognise me because i was deformed via the beatings.
soon i was at the oracle and the priest was wearing an unusual frown.he said the gods were angry due to the delay. . .


RAMATU PART 13

so i knelt down n apologized to the gods so they accepted my offer.the priest made some incantations n gave me some powder n said "go to their house now n claim your babies" i was so excited, so i made straight for the osumanus house.i saw so many people converged in the house, so i asked wat was happening when one albino guy told me ramatu and her mum had both had a miscarriage!
i fainted.i woke up the next day at the hospital with my friend pele sitting beside me.


RAMATU PART 14

Now pele gave me the news that mrs Osumanu had kicked the bucket and papa Osumanu too had kicked the bucket after fainting.
Ramatu was the only surviving member of the family though she also miscarried.
the news made me very very sad, though my "thing was very hard and standing"
Pele came from the doctor's room and said my bill was 1500 naira, my GoD HOW WOULD I PAY.. .
In the afternoon, when pele had gone home, a nurse entered my ward and was just moving around.
i looked left, looked right, grabbed her , pushed her unto my sick bed and forcibly "gave it to her" grin
At first she was crying "please stop what u r doing, please stop what you r doing " but when i began stopping she changed her cry to "please do what you are stopping, please do what you are stopping" she enjoyed it soooo much that she fell asleep.
i removed her dress and put it on


RAMATU PART 15
Now because of the nurse's attire i was wearing, i escaped from the hospital without paying the bills.
i remember giving one hoooot slap to the old security officer who tried to interrogate me.

i was getting close to my house when i spotted a painter on a ladder climbing to the fourth floor of a six-story building.
i finally recognised him.it was pozo the painter who gave me some hoot slaps the other night.
i shook the ladder several times and finally saw him descending from the skies crying out loud grin
He hit the ground and i saw his skull splitting into pieces.
i looked right, looked left, there was no one coming so i took to my heels.


RAMATU PART 16
I woke up next morning and the whole of Onitsha was mourning.
mr and mrs osumanu were all dead.Pozo the painter was also gone.
People kept speculating the cause of pozo's death.
i was thinking about what to do to the priest who had taken my money and still couldnt get me my babies.
i finally devised a plan.
i sharpened my machette and made for the oracle,.when i got there, the priest was eating egusi and pounded yam.the moment he saw me he smiled and said "hey, my son you are welcome ooooo"
i removed my machette and he took to his heels. i gave him one hooot chase with my machette. . . .

RAMATU PART 17

STill chasing the fraudster(priest) with my machette , i just saw one okada knock him down.i retreated straight to the oracle.i entered the secret room and saw the scary looking object revered as god.it was a carved wood with a black painting.i carried it into my bag, pissed all over the place n left for the house.
soon i was in my ròom so i pushed the bag under my bed n rested on the carpet. it was around 2pm and i slept.i had a dream where i was being pursued by so many dogs.

RAMATU PART 18
One dog finally caught me.it chewed off all my nyansh and kpekus.it was about time for the scary looking dog to eat my nyansh when i woke up.i was sweating and panting, i checked the clock and it was 8pm.all of a sudden, i heard a noise from under my bed, "take me back, take me back, take me back".i hurriedly jumped off my bed and rushed out of the room with full momentum.it was after i stepped out of the room i realised i was Unclad and erect


RAMATU PART 19
The noise from under my bed woke everybody up on the compound.My landlord oga lukeman also came out wearing just boxer shorts.they all asked me why i was running at that time but i only asked them to enter my room and see for themselves.Totaling about 20 people all entered my room, and they could stay for even a minute, they all began screaming and attempted escaping, but a stampede occured at the door and almost everyone was on the floor.funny enough, i saw my landlord oga lukeman lying helplessly on the wife of the plumber.oga lukeman though was scared and crying yet was moving his waist up and down

RAMATU PART 20

It was getting to 12 o'clock midnight, and a crowd had converged at the house.They all could hear the sound coming from my room, "take me back, take me back, take me back" this time with echo.it was then a guy claiming to be a man of God devoted himself to go and get whatever was making that noise,.He brought out his bible, spoke some tongues and entered my room.Most women amongst the crowd were praying.till then i realised i was still erect and at this time i was having serious abdominal pains.two minutes later. .


RAMATU PART 21
Now two minutes after the man of God had been in my room, we heard sounds of slaps, "ppa!, ppaaa!!, ppppaaaaaa!!!!". . then we saw the guy zooming out of the room with full speed crying and screaming "chineke ei!, chinekei!!, amadioha save mee ooo. . ."
the self-acclaimed pastor's athletism and pace prompted every one on the compound to run away, of course i was the first to escape.
Though i was scared to the bone, my lips were still beaming with smiles as i was laughing at the pastor and my landlord who fell off trying to run cas of his pot belly.
Nobody slept that night for the scare of the sound coming from my room.what i failed to understand was the fact that i was still erect

RAMATU PART 22
I kept vigil with my friend pele throughout the night till it was morning.My Attention was more intense now and was paining me.
It was there Pele suggested he knew one powerful medicineman at cotonou who could cure my Attention disorder, but we had no money.
Then we devised a plan.
We went out to where the mosque was.We saw muslims in the mosque bowing to praise Allah.At the doorstep of the mosque was about 200 pairs of sandals.it belonged to the worshippers since they were not allowed to enter the mosque with footwear .Pele and i packed all the sandals into our sack and took to our heels.Not long after we began running, we saw the muslims coming out of the mosque, spotting us and giving us a hooooooooot chase. . .


RAMATU PART 23
It was scary because the muslims were fast, but i proved that day i had olympic gold potentials.We run and run and run till we out-paced the angry muslims who needed their sandals' badly with chants of "worlahi!!.". "allah!" "chei!!".
We came across this taxi which we hopped into with our booty.Pele sat at the front with the sack and i was in the back where i spotted this blind hunchback reading a book titled "hunchbacks and rituals"
NOT long after we joined the taxi, then BBBBBBAAMMMMM!!!!. . .

RAMATU PART 24
A truck had crashed into our taxi.Our driver died on the spot.I saw pele also very badly injured with all his front teeth removed, i was laughing, because i was not that hurt.Then i saw rescuers enter our taxi to help us get out.They brought out pele and the deceased taxi driver.I checked on the driver's seat and spotted some naira notes, i quickly grabbed them and stuffed them into my pocket.
The rescuers brought out the hunchback and they thought the accident had given him that hunchback so they were going to stretch him to become normal when he cried out nasally " na so i be oo abeg dont stretch me eeeeee!!" i was full of lafta



WATCH OUT FOR RAMATU PART 25. . . . .. . . . . .


RAMATU PART 25
The rescuers wouldnt take any of that from the poor hunchback, but still went ahead to stretch him violently and soon i heard a loud rhythmic fart with echo coming from the abled anus of the hunchback, the rescuers suddenly dropped him to the ground and took to their heels.Soon, houseflies, bluebottles, bees and other violent flies engulfed the scene, as i covered my nostrils tightly to block the repugnant stench from entering my nostrils.It was then i realised i was still erect. .this time even harder.
Soon i spotted the angry muslims chanting war songs heading towards my area so i set off in Usain Bolt style, with the sack containing their sandals firmly in my grips.

RAMATU PART 26
The muslims were now closer to me than ever when i saw an albino heading towards mee on his bicycle.Whilst riding past me, i pushed him off his bike, took charge of it and rode like i was maaaad.I rode and rode and rode and before i realised, i was at the Lagos airpot."oh my God" i thought.I saw one giant aeroplane with the inscription "VIRGIN NIGERIA".I saw people in ques trooping into the aeroplane.I hurriedly joined them, and soon i was inside the plane, without anyone asking me a word.i suddenly heard a lady's voice, that we must tighten our seat belts as the plane was about to take off. . ..



RAMATU PART 27
It was there and then i asked a white lady sitting close to me where we were going, to which she replied "AMERICA".I did the sign of cross then i could feel the plane moving.Just as the plane moved, i spotted one big grasscutter with speed cross over where i was seated, i got up and gave it a hooooot chase inside the plane.Everyone on board in shock was looking at me.I saw the grasscutter hop into the skirt of one fine babe, i stretched off my hand into the babe's skirt and caught the grasscutter.i removed my belt, tied it around the grass-cutter's neck and hanged it till it died.

RAMATU PART 28
I could hear lots of peeps on the flight murmuring, cursing and all that.I saw one lady who was dressed like a waitress on the plane, so i bave her the grasscutter to go and roast it for me.she took it and left.
it was just after this that two well built guys holding pistols asked everyone on the flight to say their last prayers and that they were suicide bombers.They quickly relesed a few gunshots into roof and everyone was shaking.It was at the same time we heard an announcement that, the pilot was having his eppileptic attack so everyone must pray hard.

RAMATU PART 29
I could hear many screaming, others praying but i was just erect and shivering.I crawled on the floor into the pilots room to take charge of the plane which was already at the verge of crashing.I saw the pilot who had had an eppileptic attack's miserable body in the room with foam all over his mouth.I gave him two dirty slaps and then decided to pilot the plane myself.Try as i could, i could not do anything.Luckily, i spotted two parachutes, i took both, through the windows i gently descended down the plane with a much harder Attention coupled with series of farts. . . grin


RAMATU PART 30
I finally touched down and i found myself in a very strange place.It was a shrine.I saw the fetish priest, very old and tattered .He asked me my mission in his shrine and i told him the story.He promised he could cure my erectionn disorder, but i will have to pay him.I told him i had no money so we came to a compromise that, i will stay in the shrine and work for him for one year when he healed me of the erecttion fever.He told me to cure my errection, i had to bleep his godess, who was half-human, half snake.i fainted!!!


RAMATU PART 31
So early the next morning, i the fetish priest woke me up and marched me straight to the godess' room, and true to his words, she was half-woman half snake.I was trembling by her or should i say its sight alone.My fear came to its peak when the scary goddess screamed "come!!!!, my darling come!!!!!!!" i almost fell into a coma-ic faint, but i still mustered courage and went to it. . .

RAMATU PART 32
I began the to and fro and mhen, it was soooo sweeeeet!!!
The other problem was, though i had covered both nostrils, i still couldnt hold the odour.The godess was damn smelling so i would spit occasionally.
The scary goddess reminded me so much of ramatu.
Before i realised it was already evening and i had already done 56 rounds and the dirty scary godess was still screaming "more!!, more!!! more!!!!! more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i fainted twice all of a sudden and erected haard.


RAMATU PART 33
I woke up next morning in the priest,s room who had a huge frown on his face.He said the godess said i had impressed her so she wanted to marry me!!I wanted to faint, but faint wouldnt come.
So i wa s locked up with the dirty Godess' in that room for 30 days.
It was after these 30 days of intensive to and fro movement that the priest called me into his room and told me the goddess had missed her period, and that it/she was pregnant for me, WTF!!!
One thing i was thankful for was the fact that, my errection problem was gone, but i was now as lean as the number 1


RAMATU PART 34
So in the afternoon, the priest and i were in the goddes' room.
The goddess was wearing a gown and i was given suits to wear.
The priest said "do you bin, take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
before i could say i do, the smell in the room changed, as if an animal had died and gotten rotten there.
So i covered my nostrils, and spat thrice, but it was there that, the priest told me angrily "dont you dare do that again!!, dont you know that's a holy fart by the godess?" i immediately pissed all over my body


RAMATU PART 35
So the priest still wearing a frown, said again "do you bin take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
. . ."i do " i replied nasally.
Then the priest further said "now you may kiss your bride "
Out of fear, i moved my lips close to the godess' lips when i saw maggots coming out from her mouth.Her mouth was also damn smelling like Mogul's anus, worlahi!!.
So i immediately moved back, spat again angrily and screamed " pppppoahh!!, you nor dey brush your teeth!!!"
The priest got angry and started making some incantations.
I soon found myself bleeting.
I had been turned to a ram

WATCH OUT FOR PART 36


UP PROJAN!!!!!!
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by Homar(m): 3:30pm On Oct 26
Bin abeg come give us more .
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AM A TRUE CORE BAYERN MUNICH FAN TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. Up munchen . UP NJPC we rule the jokes section .
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 5:44pm On Oct 26
Homar: Bin abeg come give us more .


just watch out for partsnn36----60 soon
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 6:36pm On Oct 26
Homar: Bin abeg come give us more .



UP PROJAN
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UNITED ROCKS
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 8:30pm On Oct 26
larride:



UP PROJAN



UP UP UP UP!!!!
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bunmioguns(m): 11:05am
Quietly waiting for the other episode
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SECOND IN COMMAND TO BG........JOKES PRESIDENT (PROJAN).......... HATERS SHOULD GO HUG TRANSFORMER
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 11:27am
bunmioguns: Quietly waiting for the other episode





* in a pensive mood thinking about part 36 **
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 11:58am

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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 12:02pm
larride:



your excellency, why you come bone??
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 12:23pm

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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 12:28pm
larride:




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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by larride(m): 12:53pm
Where is the remaining epistle now?
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Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by bin gbagbo(m): 2:47pm
larride: Where is the remaining epistle now?



still preparing them. . ..it will hit your screens soon
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JOKES PROFESSOR EMERITUS::MODERATOR OF MADNESS SECTION::FOUNDER AND FIRST PRESIDENT OF PROJAN::JOKES PRESIDENT::NOW BG!!
Re: Ramatu Parts 1 To Part 35. . . . .happy Sallah!!!! by Vivly(f): 2:55pm
na man u chelsea things o. ramatu wait aside
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Sonnum bonnum
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A San Francisco Man / For Seun - Ah Cuss Out De Boss / Jokers Collection
Viewing this topic: Vivly(f)
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^^^

Vivly when did you start smoking??

this evening

Vivly: this evening

e be like sat dem don giv u lizard head chop

bunmioguns:


e be like sat dem don giv u lizard head chop

prof BIN u are three much still waitin for part 36

slimchi2k2: prof BIN u are three much still waitin for part 36

yeah, part 36 dropping soon!!!

@Bin..WTF! do u expect me to read this this ur madness don finally enter market.

@op. Pls when the summarised version of this chronicle hit d market..just holla at me! thank you!

@vivly. Dat just aint funny..quoting d whole thingy. Pssst.....!

booqee: @op. Pls when the summarised version of this chronicle hit d market..just holla at me! thank you!

@vivly. Dat just aint funny..quoting d whole thingy. Pssst.....!

dats d fun of it

booqee: @op. Pls when the summarised version of this chronicle hit d market..just holla at me! thank you!

@vivly. Dat just aint funny..quoting d whole thingy. Pssst.....!

madman!!!

bin gbabgbo rocks twale baba

booqee: @op. Pls when the summarised version of this chronicle hit d market..just holla at me! thank you!
!

Me too....

This is too long to be a joke......


*Dissappointed*[color=#990000]

Like seriously, I was expecting to see a 'You too like story' as an end to the story, that'll automatically make it a joke.. Or you want me to believe it's a JOKE? This Note??

this boy get talent.

Bin gbagbo.. Infinity gbosa 4 u..