[center]Prologue[/center]

Cold, austere were the first few words that came to Oliver’s mind when he sighted the approaching figure. At first he thought the figure looked like a woman's from afar, but hell no, no woman could have such a strong facial features as well as like to be seen in such traditional male clothing.
“Is that the agent?” He asked Bukky, his personal assistant cum acting secretary of just a month. She was light skinned in complexion; about five feet seven in height with a perfect mouth shaped for the most dazzling of smiles.
They had known each other before he joined the company a month ago. Then Bukky came into the States as one of the qualified persons to accompany the CEO when the idea of having a head branch office in Nigeria was newly begotten. Then they met business like but ended up being buddies.
“They said he would be like six feet tall, dark skinned, and this one looks six feet to me.’ Bukky replied as she looked around her environment. “This is such a nice place,” she said. ‘If I were you I’ll take it.”
“You’re sure?” Oliver scoffed. “Or are you just tired of looking at houses?”
“Who wouldn’t be?” she admitted, challenging him with a frown. “After dragging me all over Lagos in this—this scorching sun, you expect me…”
“Dragging you?” Oliver queried returning his own frown. “You talk as if we walked all the way here and didn’t come in an air-conditioned car. Do you at times forget I’m your boss?”
His question was one Bukky loathed and he knew it too. He also knew that he will have to go through a history lesson of how she had been eyeing the position of being the exalted MD before he came along.
“Your majesty,” she proclaimed making a little bow, “forgive my insensitivity to your esteemed position. I was only trying to relay my thoughts, considering the fact…”
Oliver could only smile and watch her display her act because he knew that it was best not to argue with her only if he didn’t want to end up getting annoyed himself. Though her lips were moving, making apologies, her eyes spoke otherwise.
“—before you were, I was…”
“Hello.”
During their conversation their expected agent had sneaked up on them and stood there for a while before intruding. Bukky’s mouth was left hanging by the intruder’s imposing voice and was Oliver grateful for it? Yes he was.
               “Hello,” Oliver replied in his usual formal tone. “Are you the agent assigned to us?” He asked.
               “Nobody told me I would be dealing with an American and a beautiful young lady. The name’s Ade, Mr. Ade”.
The agent stretched out his hand and Oliver took it into his.
But Bukky asked.
               “Is there no suffix to the name? As in Ade-bayo, Ade-leke, you know what I mean” she added much to Oliver’s benefit.
“No, it’s just Ade” he answered.
                “Anyway” Oliver spoke up quickly. “I am Oliver Jones.”
“And you my princess are?” Ade smiled, addressing Bukky who was looking irritated due to the unnecessary attention he was giving her.
Sensing her irritation, Oliver answered.
“Her name’s Bukky,” he supplied and continued. “—and since we’ve gotten through the formalities can we see the house now, -because we really are in a hurry.”
“I’m also in a hurry.” Ade replied soberly, but his face suddenly lit up as a thought sprang up in his mind, though he hesitatingly spoke out.” Would you mind if I left the house keys with you?”  He asked.
Bukky gazed up to Oliver and then to the agent in amazement.
“You mean to leave us to go through the house ourselves? Is that proper?”
“I’m very sorry for inconveniencing you,” Ade responded looking from Oliver to Bukky wondering who was really buying the house “I’m already late for another engagement…
“Then you could have come sooner,” Bukky interposed.
Ade pleadingly looked at Oliver, who appeared more like the buyer. “I’m very sorry, but look on the bright side, by my leaving the keys with you’ll get to see what most agents wouldn’t want you to see, also find things that would change your lives”
“Change our lives?” Oliver enquired at the use of language. “Uuuh” he made a sound of fright “I’d like to find those things that could change my life.”
Ade smiled. “There’s a guide,” he said producing a large white pamphlet, “… for directions.”
“The keys,” Oliver asked after the cool steel touched his palm. “Who do we give them to when we are done?”
              “I’ld come personally to your offices to get them,” he promised.“Are you okay with that?”
“That’s fine by me”
With a trusting look on his face, Ade said all the thank yous and goodbyes and left them to the ordeal facing them.
“That’s weird. I don’t trust his kind” Bukky said.
“The guy was polite”, Oliver intervened.
“You call that polite? Or are you one of those guys who don’t look beneath the surface? You are in Lagos my man, open your eyes. The actual phrase here is “shine your eyes”
“They’re already opened and shining” Oliver retorted.
He really was tired of all this you’re in Lagos talk since he got into the country. But Bukky was not defeated by the look he gave her but continued.
“I mean open them as wide as you can’ she paused as she looked at the lofty white one storey duplex with its huge wooden front door and reflecting windows.There was a huge mango tree growing at the back of the house. The leaves sprawled and stretched covering half of the duplex’s roof. Apart from the surroundings  having a serene atmosphere, it had this deserted look to it. That was when it dawned on her that the last house they had seen on the same route they had taken was like a fifteen minutes drive from here and then she began to wonder what made her say she liked this place earlier on.
“I don’t like this house.” she spoke out without thinking.
“But a few minutes ago, you said…” Oliver responded coyly but was immediately interrupted by his PA.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Let’s go see the place”.


The path was quite narrow and no one would expect an expensive looking, black Jeep with dark windows be parked in the bushes at such an ungodly hour.
But it was there.
There was no sign of life not until a dark blue Mercedes started coming up the path. The driver of the Jeep got out, positioned himself by the left door of the back seat. He was tall and had a face that had been recently battered by someone.
The Mercedes coughed to a halt letting out a tall man in his early thirties. He was on a navy blue caftan
and low male slippers. With just a curt nod, the driver directed the new guy into the Jeep and closed the door.
“Did you get anyone to see the house?” A deep and heavily accented impatient voice demanded hoarsely.
“Yes I did”, was the response of the guy in the navy blue caftan. “I managed leaving the keys with them…”
“You didn’t see them enter?” The man with the deep voice retorted harshly.
“Not real…”
“So you are not sure if anyone got into the house? When I discussed the details with you were you listening at all? Please get out of my sight before I use you instead”. The voice bellowed thunderously.



What do you think? Your opinions are needed.

I think u should work on your story line, you know, give it more life, more substance. Don't elaborate too much on the conversations and chit-chat, it makes people get bored. Oh, and try to edit your work more; there were some unnecessary typo mistakes there. Well done all the same.

Thanks

stillwater:

[center]Prologue[/center]

Cold, austere were the first few words that came to Oliver’s mind when he sighted the approaching figure. At first he thought the figure looked like a woman's from afar, but hell no, no woman could have such a strong facial features as well as like to be seen in such traditional male clothing.

Good beginning. The suspense is right only that our imagination is stupfied with the reality of the image, when the atmosphere seems to have been hazy given the mood. Hence, I am not comfortable with the "strong facial features"

“Is that the agent?” He asked Bukky, his personal assistant come acting secretary of just a month. She was light skinned in complexion; about five feet seven in height with a perfect mouth shaped for the most dazzling of smiles.
They had known each other before he joined the company a month ago. Then Bukky came into the States as one of the qualified persons to accompany the CEO when the idea of having a head branch office in Nigeria was newly begotten. Then they met business like but ended up being buddies.

The plot is significantly developing. Too much information is lumped up here. The descriptive style earlier started has been grossly betrayed by 'incoherent' narration." Too, too many typos and grammatical blunders eg assistant come acting secretary, a head branch office, they met business like but ended up etc weary us.

“They said he would be like six feet tall, dark skinned, and this one looks six feet to me.’ Bukky replied as she looked around her environment. “This is such a nice place,” she said. ‘If I were you I’ll take it.”
“You’re sure?” Oliver scoffed. “Or are you just tired of looking at houses?”
“Who wouldn’t be?” she admitted, challenging him with a frown. “After dragging me all over Lagos in this—this scorching sun, you expect me…”
“Dragging you?” Oliver queried returning his own frown. “You talk as if we walked all the way here and didn’t come in an air-conditioned car. Do you at times forget I’m your boss?”

Boring. This is simply because you emphasised dialogue among the characters without developing them by putting an effort on the personality of the characters, which is vital for an expose (the beginning of the story)


His question was one Bukky loathed and he knew it too. He also knew that he will have to go through a history lesson of how she had been eyeing the position of being the exalted MD before he came along.
“Your majesty,” she proclaimed making a little bow, “forgive my insensitivity to your esteemed position. I was only trying to relay my thoughts, considering the fact…”
Oliver could only smile and watch her display her act because he knew that it was best not to argue with her only if he didn’t want to end up getting annoyed himself. Though her lips were moving, making apologies, her eyes spoke otherwise.
“—before you were, I was…”
“Hello.”

The beautiful suspense of the first paragraph is yet to return and you are actually lossing my interest . . .

[b]During their conversation their expected agent had sneaked up on them and stood there for a while before intruding. Bukky’s mouth was left hanging by the intruder’s imposing voice and was Oliver grateful for it? Yes he was.
“Hello,” Oliver replied in his usual formal tone. “Are you the agent assigned to us?” He asked.
“Nobody told me I would be dealing with an American and a beautiful young lady. The name’s Ade, Mr. Ade”.
The agent stretched out his hand and Oliver took it into his.
But Bukky asked.
“Is there no suffix to the name? As in Ade-bayo, Ade-leke, you know what I mean” she added much to Oliver’s benefit.
“No, it’s just Ade” he answered.
“Anyway” Oliver spoke up quickly. “I am Oliver Jones.”
“And you my princess are?” Ade smiled, addressing Bukky who was looking irritated due to the unnecessary attention he was giving her.
Sensing her irritation, Oliver answered.
“Her name’s Bukky,” he supplied and continued. “—and since we’ve gotten through the formalities can we see the house now, -because we really are in a hurry.”
“I’m also in a hurry.” Ade replied soberly, but his face suddenly lit up as a thought sprang up in his mind, though he hesitatingly spoke out.” Would you mind if I left the house keys with you?” He asked.
Bukky gazed up to Oliver and then to the agent in amazement.
“You mean to leave us to go through the house ourselves? Is that proper?”
“I’m very sorry for inconveniencing you,” Ade responded looking from Oliver to Bukky wondering who was really buying the house “I’m already late for another engagement…
“Then you could have come sooner,” Bukky interposed.
Ade pleadingly looked at Oliver, who appeared more like the buyer. “I’m very sorry, but look on the bright side, by my leaving the keys with you’ll get to see what most agents wouldn’t want you to see, also find things that would change your lives”
“Change our lives?” Oliver enquired at the use of language. “Uuuh” he made a sound of fright “I’d like to find those things that could change my life.”
Ade smiled. “There’s a guide,” he said producing a large white pamphlet, “… for directions.”
“The keys,” Oliver asked after the cool steel touched his palm. “Who do we give them to when we are done?”
“I’ld come personally to your offices to get them,” he promised.“Are you okay with that?”
“That’s fine by me”
With a trusting look on his face, Ade said all the thank yous and goodbyes and left them to the ordeal facing them.
“That’s weird. I don’t trust his kind” Bukky said.
“The guy was polite”, Oliver intervened.
“You call that polite? Or are you one of those guys who don’t look beneath the surface? You are in Lagos my man, open your eyes. The actual phrase here is “shine your eyes”
“They’re already opened and shining” Oliver retorted.
He really was tired of all this you’re in Lagos talk since he got into the country. But Bukky was not defeated by the look he gave her but continued.
“I mean open them as wide as you can’ she paused as she looked at the lofty white one storey duplex with its huge wooden front door and reflecting windows.There was a huge mango tree growing at the back of the house. The leaves sprawled and stretched covering half of the duplex’s roof. Apart from the surroundings having a serene atmosphere, it had this deserted look to it. That was when it dawned on her that the last house they had seen on the same route they had taken was like a fifteen minutes drive from here and then she began to wonder what made her say she liked this place earlier on.
Brilliant narration.
“I don’t like this house.” she spoke out without thinking.
“But a few minutes ago, you said…” Oliver responded coyly but was immediately interrupted by his PA.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Let’s go see the place”.
[/b]

Beautiful narration. keep it up. Work on your punctuations and build your grammar.

[b]The path was quite narrow and no one would expect an expensive looking, black Jeep with dark windows be parked in the bushes at such an ungodly hour.
But it was there.
There was no sign of life not until a dark blue Mercedes started coming up the path. The driver of the Jeep got out, positioned himself by the left door of the back seat. He was tall and had a face that had been recently battered by someone.
The Mercedes coughed to a halt letting out a tall man in his early thirties. He was on a navy blue caftan
and low male slippers. With just a curt nod, the driver directed the new guy into the Jeep and closed the door.
“Did you get anyone to see the house?” A deep and heavily accented impatient voice demanded hoarsely.
“Yes I did”, was the response of the guy in the navy blue caftan. “I managed leaving the keys with them…”
“You didn’t see them enter?” The man with the deep voice retorted harshly.
“Not real…”
“So you are not sure if anyone got into the house? When I discussed the details with you were you listening at all? Please get out of my sight before I use you instead”. The voice bellowed thunderously.[/b]

Brilliant work on this section. Amazing adjectives.

On the whole, try your hands some more on stronger adjectives personifications, similes and metaphors. For example, compare your "There was no sign of life not until a dark blue Mercedes started coming up the path." with my "The silence of lifelessness was broken by the humming of a dark-blue Mercedes S class that lazily crawled up the path."

I have great respect for your imagination. Keep experimenting with words, they are the best of toys I have seen.

Always build your expose properly and carefully; remember, every faulty foundation . . .

I admire your courage. It's the winning attitude. Too many people can write better than you, but they will never write till they die because courage/confidence eludes them

SEE YA. GAt to go. . .

Oh thanks BTT. I'll put more effort to it.

That is your prologue, you said. so build it up. You may want to contact me on +234 01 2195050 or +234 8060641635, then I may give you my email addy for better contact.

Its a nice start. By the way BTT did a very thorough job. Very professional.

There are slight grammatical errors here and there, but thats normal. A good re-reading and editing should take care of them.

I think you have a nice narrative style and could spend more time on describing people, character portrayal and so on. I imagine the meeting place is dark and creepy. Put us in that atmosphere. I felt there was too much conversation without any background to it. Anyhow this depends on the genre you are looking at. I imagine its a thriller.

On the whole very nice.

Oh thanks crazylegs. I'm really busy now. I'm just waiting for a holiday to develop it .