Hello all,Hope everyone had a nice weekend(it was a long one for us in the Uk)and you are all keeping well.

I am soo upset at the moment and typing this might be therapeutic for me.I also might get some of your views cos unfortunately i am unable to share with my husband or my friends as well.I am sure if you take my blood pressure it might be on the high side and i am someone who generally takes things easy.

I never came back to update on the drama with my mum cos she came home on the monday cos my husband went with me to the B and B to aplogise and she came back home.She leaves for Dubai on Sunday before she she heads home to Nigeria but to be honest (i feel so saddened to say this) i cant wait.I have always been a docile whatever mummy says daughteer and i think its difficult for her to accept i am now a fully woman who can make decisions for herself.

Ever since that episide i have dealt with sarcasm and snide remarks which i have just chosen to ignore.'Mummy what do you want to do today?Erm I think i want to go check something at shoreditch can you come with me or do you have to ask your husband first?'.Lil annoying snide remarks like that.

The reason i am upset this morning is cos i got a call from Nigeria that really really pissed me off.I think i mentioned somewhere on NL that i got made redudant in February cos my operational unit got moved to Ipswich and i was not willing to travel that distance due to the effect it might have on our family life.It was a decision i made with my husband.We decided that i go back to school to get some qualifications i wanted to always get cos apart the redudancy i was already bored with being an underwriting analyst.I was not fully qualified i.e A CII fellow and to be honest i really do.not see.myself practising insurance forever(thats another story).So i.am more or less unemployed at the mo.One less income.I got a good severance package but we decided we put the lump sum towards a project(its in an account)and we forgot we even have that money.So hubby is more or less breadwinner for now.I run a small business but proceeds been slow for a while.We are ok just that am.not as buoyant as i was say 6 months ago.Normally when mum comes i buy her ticket,buy loads for her and also gifts she gives people.But for this trip she was going to dubai on business and decided to stop by so i said ok we give you half of your ticket money.She brought up her usual gifts for all.and sundry and i told her mum you know T is the only one working.We are definitely going to buy you stuff but pls all those me buying two boxes filled with stuff for people aint gonna happen.I also explained the logistics of why i really did not want to work full time till bobo goes to reception.She suggested all those under the table live in mamas(her cousins kids use something like that) that collect £100 a week.I said no thank you.I explained and explained that its just.for a while and will be back at work in no time.She said she understands but kept making snide remarks to.me and hubby taking decisions together.In her marriage,my dad just let mummy do her own thing and he went along.I had to tell her her marriage is different from mine.She got angry and said i was rude.I sha started biting my tongue from then on.

So imagine how angry i was when a close aunty called me this morning.She said mummy called her to talk to.me,cos i listen to said aunty.That me i turned myself to housewife in.London that she did not raise me to become housewife relying on a man.That my husband has turned my head to make me stingy(i used to be such a spendthrift)that every lil thing now i just say i dont have money for that.That all i am worried about now is my kids that yes my kids are important but i should remember am a first born.That if i keep saying i am on a budget what will happen when my sister is getting married(my sister is not even engaged). .That she knows what they spent on my wedding and i have to play a prominent role as Daddy is no longer here(i and hubby really did not want that lavish a wedding we argued throughout the prep at a point i just gave up and went along).So all this one that me am saying am sacrificing for my kids i should know i have bukata.And my hubby knew he was marrying a first born.That men are not reliable bla bla.In short it was a 30 min convo with me saying yes ma yes ma.I was like aunty i really cant talk now(hubby was on his way to work si did not want him to hear).I will call you back.My husband could see my countenace changed and he was like wassup,i had to lie she was reporting her son to me.

Gone into say hello to mum and i really do not know what to say cos i am.both baffled and annoyed.

P.S Sorry for the epistle and if i rambled on a lil.

I like how you handled the convo with mummy and aunty that you did not let them rile you up

Just be calm at all times and since you are worlking on a schedule you have agreed to; Keep at it

You don't intend to be jobless but this is just temporary

Decide wit your hubby wat you can afford as a family and stick to it
Maybe mum wanted a fiery spirit in you like hers.

It is well with you

Thanks for sharing your experience

Damiso, this is one of those times where you have to stand your ground! The snide remarks will go on for a bit and you will get all manner of similar calls to the one you got from your aunty. If you stand your ground, it will stop and everyone will get the message and resort to calling you 'aboko ku' and whatnot but will get the message and leave you alone eventually.

You don't need to involve or even tell your hubby, you have to fight this on your own and make sure you win.

Best wishes sister

Dami, pele you have to grow a thick skin, it's your duty to advocate on his behalf from now on esp with no nonsense guys like your.

How many family reunion my husband have ditched and I got numerous snide remarks how arrogant & proud he is from my Great aunts and relatives waiting to meet him ? Huh.... how many times has he refused to put the uniform fila( hat) like other men in the family and I got uncountable snide remarks about his cockiness ( afojudi)

What did I do? I backed him up and clean up the mess.

There's nothing much you'd get here except 'boundaries' which has been discussed earlier.

BUT because we have different family values ( we are Yoruba ) compared to other tribe, I'm sorry but she's your mom and there little you can do judging from my own family perspective which not different from yours.

They run the show ( which is okay, you live once) but its your job to drum that boundary politely into their ears

I know , things we do for people we love huh

Thanks guys,i just decided as you have all rightly said,its a battle i have to fight on my own.I will not get my husband involved at all and he really is oblivious to all what is happening sef and i intend to keep it that way.

I have said nothing to mum as she has also.said nothing to me.I think i will just act like all is normal.Will call aunty back.and tell her i have heard all she has said cos to these people i dont think my explanations are ever going to hold water.And say thank you ma for your concern.

Its just all these their advice though sometimes well intentioned can be quite inflamatory.My aunty was saying stuff like you cant trust men,you have to do your own stuff and plan for your future.Ehn even if its one shop open in Nigeria and let mummy be running for you so you can use the money to do ur own stuff which your hubby need not know about.I was rolling my eyes .Which kain advice be that.

As jide said though you know yoruba culture,everything is rude to elders.Just cos i told mum that my husband is not dad and my marriage is different from hers,she immediately said i was implying that she was a control freak .My mum can deduce deeper meanings into simple words ehn and twist your own words to make you feel like you insulted her.Its really infuriating. .

God i hope i dont become like that as i grow older

The focus of the big aunties is your own financial security but the reality is that it is tied to your man's
They come from a time when men betrayed their wives so dont blame them

Even in the word NONSENSE sense dey there
Pick the good things from the advice and leave the rest

May God help us all

biolabee: The focus of the big aunties is your own financial security but the reality is that it is tied to your man's
They come from a time when men betrayed their wives so dont blame them

Even in the word NONSENSE sense dey there
Pick the good things from the advice and leave the rest

May God help us all

;

True,Biola really true.As has been argued alot on NL that age group especially those from.SW Nigeria believed in having their own destiny in their hands mostly because of polygamy.This same aunty told me before my wedding to have the mindset that my husband will def cheat.No two ways about it.I should just be ready to accept it as long as he is doing his responsiblities on his kids .Just work hard and face your kids.Which kain defeatist and divisive mindset is that to enter marriage with? .

If i acted on like half of the advise these big aunties give,uhhhhm what can i say?To them its a war and you have to be smart so as not to get burned.I will rather remain single than be plotting and scheming behind my husband.Id rather just leave the marriage.

Lol.. Burn or be burnt

May God help us all

@ damiso

You shouldn't let any of this weigh you down. I completely understand how the picture looks from your Mom's point of view- In many ways, you were raised to be like her, financially independent, ever generous and accommodating. Now, you're married and,( in her own perception), this husband of yours is changing you into something she did not raise you to be. It's natural that there will be some resistance. You would resist too, if your own daughter, in future, began to adopt a way of life you would never have considered. This whole thing, whether you like it or not, is a sort of battle for damiso, between Mom and your husband. You've been docile so she's used to no opposition but now, she's going to feel like your husband is trying to usurp her influence in your life. They are from a generation where you cannot trust your finances with a man and it's too late for her to change. . . . .

She'll get used to it in the end, just be very patient with her and your Aunties, a lot of "Yes, Mas" go a long way while you are doing your own thing. With strong women, you either have to be stronger or as strong as them, they can be quite formidable. You can't back down, be resolute.

BTW, nice that your hubby apologized.

You need to remember that decisions based on your family's needs (nuclear first, extended secondary) will generate certain kinds of responses.

In this case the aunties seem convinced you're simply quitting work forever - I think you need to allay their fears. This is only temporary and you will not lose your income generating ability forever.

Secondly, you'll just have to endure the barbs and snide comments. Your mum has lived her life in a certain way for over 30 years so don't expect her to change her views overnight. Like Biola said, beneath the snide comments etc. is a genuine concern for your wellbeing (albeit based on their/others' negative experiences).

Try to take it in good faith and understand where they are coming from. However, you need to maintain your resolve and don't get intimidated. Definitely do not get yourself in financial difficulty because of 'bukata' - these people won't pay if Lloyds and HSBC come calling for damiso to settle her gbese.

It's simply another dimension of dealing with parents and relatives - as you go through different phases, people will have their own views on what you should do. Nothing wrong with that, but take them as advice only - you will be the one to sink/swim by your own decisions.

nice one!!.

debosky: You need to remember that decisions based on your family's needs (nuclear first, extended secondary) will generate certain kinds of responses.

In this case the aunties seem convinced you're simply quitting work forever - I think you need to allay their fears. This is only temporary and you will not lose your income generating ability forever.

Secondly, you'll just have to endure the barbs and snide comments. Your mum has lived her life in a certain way for over 30 years so don't expect her to change her views overnight. Like Biola said, beneath the snide comments etc. is a genuine concern for your wellbeing (albeit based on theirs/others negative experiences).

Try to take it in good faith and understand where they are coming from. However, you need to maintain your resolve and don't get intimidated. Definitely do not get yourself in financial difficulty because of 'bukata' - these people won't pay if Lloyds and HSBC come calling for damiso to settle her gbese.

It's simply another dimension of dealing with parents and relatives - as you go through different phases, people will have their own views on what you should do. Nothing wrong with that, but take them as advice only - you will be the one to sink/swim by your own decisions.

Like the best topic on Nairaland...I am learning so much..

I was so livid at the beginning when he said the cousin could not stay but as the story unfolded I began to learn and understand.

I am just taking in the wisdom.

I think debosky, Mmotimo and biola as well(sort of) have brought in an angle which has made my anger fade i.e. Looking at it from their POV.

Looking at their various experiences,(being the first daughter means you get to see and hear alot)i can kinda understand where they are coming from.I guess one way or the other your experiences one way or the other colour your world view.

As MMotimo has said alot of yes mas are going to be in my dictionary from now.There is no use arguing and arguing cos they just cant get it.It still does not mean i am going to do ALL the stuff they want though.Also as jide said boundaries and also having my husband's back when they misunderstand him.

damiso: I think debosky, Mmotimo and biola as well(sort of) have brought in an angle which has made my anger fade i.e. Looking at it from their POV.

Looking at their various experiences,(being the first daughter means you get to see and hear alot)i can kinda understand where they are coming from.I guess one way or the other your experiences one way or the other colour your world view.

As MMotimo has said alot of yes mas are going to be in my dictionary from now.There is no use arguing and arguing cos they just cant get it.It still does not mean i am going to do ALL the stuff they want though.Also as jide said boundaries and also having my husband's back when they misunderstand him.

Sorry for the dramas from your mum & relatives. i refered u to two articles to get some useful tips on how to handle such acts. They are here again:


Please read these articles to find valuable information on dealing with inlaws and the extended family.

www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20100201/dealing-with-in-laws/

and

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20080201/managing-conflicts/

You may also share it with your hubby. If you follow the suggestions, it will help your family. Cheers.

new paparazzi:

Sorry for the dramas from your mum & relatives. i refered u to two articles to get some useful tips on how to handle such acts. They are here again:


Please read these articles to find valuable information on dealing with inlaws and the extended family.

www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20100201/dealing-with-in-laws/

and

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20080201/managing-conflicts/

You may also share it with your hubby. If you follow the suggestions, it will help your family. Cheers.

Thank you.I did check out the links.Will share them with my husband as well.

As i said in my last post,i am trying to see things from their POV but also learning to stand my ground.In as much as they are thinking of my interest,i need them to recognise that i and my husband are a unit.I would rather be unmarried than be plotting and scheming behind my husband back.

This is one of the most interesting threads I've ever come across on NL. Dami, thanks.

That said, I have come to a conclusion that humans become younger the older they are! We begin to act like kids that must get our own way and will want to hurt anyone who interfers with that. My folks do the same. Unlike you, my family's not close at all. If I didn't work for momsie, I could go without talking to her for months (used to do that while I worked in a bank) Now I speak to my siblings only when I try to pass information along. We are just like that. My wife's family on the other hand's completely different. Just like yours.

In this case, I think you mum, like an adult human growing younger as they age(no offense intended) is, simply trying to push the boundries as much as possible before it becomes fixed. Fortunately for me, my mum is the domineering one. And most times I just block her out of my family. She still can't understand why 2 years on, I still am not ready for children but I tried to ignore a lot of things she said earlier that she's given up on trying to change my mind.

All you need to do is to maintain the boundries you and your husband have set long enough and she'll come around.

Ps, I love your husband's guts!!!

Best thread av seen S̴̩☺ far. ℓ̊ 'm learnin seriously, bt, ℓ̊ dn't think ℓ̊ can take dis.