Domestic Violence

I have wanted to write something on this for a while because i know, it happens in muslim homes. The worst thing is that some people attempt to justify slapping their wife using the Quran, that is enough to cause an allergic reaction. If you are going to batter your wife, please do not use the Quran to justify it. I hope to clear this up, so that men and women can benefit, Insha Allah.

Before that, Sisters, If your husband abuses you physically consistently (a serial offender), get out of the marriage as fast as you can. You could be killed as a result. My hope is that muslim sisters and brothers can help fund homes for abused women. Many of them have no place to go. The younger muslim community must look at ways to train these women in useful skills and give them a decent education in Islam, so that they know their rights and limits when they get married again. We also have to facilitate marriages for them because society is unkind to divorcees. Marriage counselling services with muslims trained in the Quran and sunnah as well as in contemporary psychology. We need to inspire a generation of muslims that will do this.

Some people have tried to justify abuse using the Quran, A famous ayat quoted by islamophobes (Quran 4:34), unfortunately some muslims use it to justify abuse as well.

This is a profoundly beautiful ayah but it has been abused by muslims, just like we have abused many ayat of the Quran.

So let's begin:

Allah says:

Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa-i bima faddala Allahu baAAdahum AAala baAAdin wabima anfaqoo min amwalihim faalssalihatu qanitatun hafithatun lilghaybi bima hafitha Allahu waallatee takhafoona nushoozahunna faAAithoohunna waohjuroohunna fee almadajiAAi waidriboohunna fa-in ataAAnakum fala tabghoo AAalayhinna sabeelan inna Allaha kana AAaliyyan kabeeran

i. The man's authority

Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa

Men have made authorities and maintainers of Women.

This ayah could get you in trouble but it is clear. There are many politically correct translations out there but Allah says here that men are in charge of women. Now men can abuse this. so let us get this clear, the men have not been made absolute bosses in the household.

In every organisation, there is management and there are non-mangement staff. Both of them are employees. They both have a higher authority to answer to but without having a hierarchy, you can't function. If everyone is on an equal footing in an organisation, no work will get done. If the management staff asks the non-management staff to carry out a task, the non-management staff could refuse since the manager is not the owner. You can not run an organization like that.

The family is like an organisation, It is the most important organisation so there has to be some hierarchy however this hierarchy is not absolute. There is consultation, back and forth, the ethics of how the messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) dealt with the mothers of the believers (May Allah be pleased with them) but there is the head of the household, Allah has given that responsibility to the man of the house. This is the ideal situation of how a household is supposed to be.

In making difficult decisions after consultation, you have to go with one opinion and you have to respect the decision. Just like the man has to understand that he does not have absolute authority, the wife has to understand that he does have some authority. We have to get the balance otherwise there will be chaos in the household.

And why is man given the authority??

bima faddala Allahu baAAdahum AAala baAAdin wabima anfaqoo min amwalihim

Allah gave preference one over the other and because of what they spend from their monies

Primary Reason: Allah decided... Simple, It is not because they are smarter or wiser or bigger. It is because Allah decided to place them in Authority.

Secondary reason: They are financially responsible for the entire household.. Whatever a woman earns belong to her and she has the discretion of what to spend it on, a man is financially responsible for the household.

Allah says:

Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa-i bima faddala Allahu baAAdahum AAala baAAdin wabima anfaqoo min amwalihim faalssalihatu qanitatun hafithatun lilghaybi bima hafitha Allahu waallatee takhafoona nushoozahunna faAAithoohunna waohjuroohunna fee almadajiAAi waidriboohunna fa-in ataAAnakum fala tabghoo AAalayhinna sabeelan inna Allaha kana AAaliyyan kabeeran (Surah 4:34)

ii. The righteous woman

faalssalihatu qanitatun

Righteous wives are devout (subservient, supportive, ready and willing to obey etc)

The first thing to note here is that they are righteous to Allah. Allah makes the obedience of a wife to the husband, a matter of her relationship with Allah. Therefore, your devotion to your husband is not because you like him but because of your relationship with Allah. The same goes for all your relationships. You are good to your mother not because she deserves it but because of your relationship with Allah. Even if your mother does not deserve it, you still have to be good to her on account of your relationship with Allah. So the first priority is that Allah wants you to. Every other thing is secondary.


bima hafithatun lilghaybi

they guard the unseen

When the husband is gone, they guard his secrets, his dignity, his conversations etc. A man is free in his house and a wife knows more about a man than outsiders, It is her place to guard his dignity. Meaning it is inappropriate to divulge intimate secrets of your husband to other people.

This means you do not go telling your friends of how loud your husband snores etc. The same goes for the husband. You can not go around exposing the flaws of your spouse. Unless, you are in a counselling session to save your marriage, even then, you should be careful about what you disclose.

hafitha Allahu

on account of what Allah has guarded

So even when your spouse guards your embarrassing secrets, It is only because Allah allowed them to be guarded. It is only because Allah allowed the secrets to be guarded that they are.

Allah says:

Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa-i bima faddala Allahu baAAdahum AAala baAAdin wabima anfaqoo min amwalihim faalssalihatu qanitatun hafithatun lilghaybi bima hafitha Allahu waallatee takhafoona nushoozahunna faAAithoohunna waohjuroohunna fee almadajiAAi waidriboohunna fa-in ataAAnakum fala tabghoo AAalayhinna sabeelan inna Allaha kana AAaliyyan kabeeran (Surah 4:34)

iii. Rebellious wives

waallatee takhafoona nushoozahunna

And those women you fear their rebellion

nushooz is crazy stuff i.e The wife goes psycho. It is extreme stuff not the normal disagreements. The knife throwing, breaking stuff wife. Clearly outrageous behaviour. It refers to a serious, unusual rebellion by the wife. Out of control rebellion.

Now so what should you do in this case?

faAAithoohunna

then counsel them

Give them advice, sit them down and give them advice. Also, it doesn't neccesarily imply that you directly give them the sermon. Get sermon to them. you could get her to a counselor or to someone she respects.

It means you can not give your wife a slap because she is behaving badly or getting on your nerves like unfortunately many muslim men do. Maclatunji asked a question about a woman with a very bad tongue, If her behaviour is seriously outrageous, your first step is to advice her and if you think she would not listen to you, get someone to advice her. If she has anger issues, maybe she needs to talk to a professional about her anger. Get her parents to talk to her.

Lesson: MEN HAVE TO BE THE ONES THAT TAKE THE BEATING!!!

You have to take the verbal abuse and in response, Allah says: you counsel them or get counsel to them. This may go on for months or years. You keep your cool and you never raise your voice or got angry. If you do, you start over again. If after a period of trying this and it is not working. She is getting worse or not showing any signs of improvement.

Since she has gotten worse overtime, what is the next step you take?

waohjuroohunna fee almadajiAAi

Then leave them on their beds when they lie of their side

If all the period of counsel and trying to get her help does not work. Then leave them on their beds.

Leaving the wives bed is an expression of extreme anger. She can hit you and say mean things to you but she knows you are going to come back to bed. When you don't come back to bed, it would bother her.

Maybe that will help her rethink what she is doing. It is important to note that each step is a long process and it is only when you have thoroughly exhausted one phase and know for sure that it is not going to work that you move to the next phase.

If the woman has some decency in her, she is going to feel bad about the husband leaving the bed. However, if she shows too much pride and anger, after you have kept this up for a little while ( whilst at the same time continuing the counseling/advice).

If nothing happens, then Allah says:

waidriboohunna

Hit them

oh oh...

So how many muslim men fulfill conditions one and two?? it is so sad to see how the ayat of Quran are abused by muslims... If anything, this ayah is a lesson in patience for the man in dealing with an outrageous spouse, it is such a magnificent ayah. It is disgusting to see that women are abused under the shade of the ayah... The ayah is also very specific to a clearly rebellious and outrageous wife.

When we think of the relationship between a man and a woman, we think of the general principles revealed in the Quran and the specific application in the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). 'waidriboohunna' means how the prophet did it. So let's see what he did. From what we know:

The Messenger Said (last sermon): ‘O people! There are rights in favour of your women which are incumbent upon you, and there are rights in favour of you which are incumbent upon them. As to what is incumbent upon them in your regard, is that they should not let your beds be trampled by others besides you, should not allow those to enter your houses whom you do not like without your authorization, and should not commit turpitude. If they commit this, then Allah has given you permission to reprimand them, to separate yourself from them in beds, and to strike them without causing pain, harm and injury. If they abstain (from this wrongdoing) and obey you, then it is incumbent upon you to provide their food and clothing in goodness. And I command you to treat women (your wives) well, because they have submitted themselves fully to you in your houses, possessing nothing for themselves. You, on your part have taken them as a trust from Allah and derive benefit from them on account of a word from Allah. So fear Allah with regards to women (your wives) and I order you to treat them well.’ (Ibn Hisham).

How do you strike without causing pain, harm or injury? SubhanAllah... Maybe a tap that will get her attention.. How do people justify the monumental kind of assaults that take place??...

If we follow the Quran and the sunnah, should we not follow the words of the messenger?

A light slap on the shoulder or the hand is as far as a man can go.

A slap or hit on your wives face is absolutely haram, It must not affect the body or cause injury to to the skin or the bone.

“Aisha reported that Allah's Messenger, may Allah bless him, never beat anyone with his hand, neither a woman nor a servant, but only, in the case when he had been fighting in the cause of Allah …” (Sahih Muslim, Hadith 4296)

The Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?" Hadith - Bukhari 8:68 (Volume 8, Book 73, Number 68), Narrated 'Abdullah bin Zam'a


Hadith - Tirmidhi, Narrated Amr ibn al-Ahwas al-Jushami
I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will*, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.

How then do muslim men who claim to follow the example of the messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) abuse their wives??

And this ayah is very specific to women that are clearly outrageous.

Imagine after stages one and two, it is two years now, you have been completely patient with her in spite of everything. Never insulted her back, Never raised your hands,. She starts making trouble again, breaking stuff and all. This time you slap her lightly on the shoulder telling her to stop this. She is going to take notice because you have never raised your hands before and unless she is really really psycho, she would recognize that you have been incredibly patient with her and it is bound to make her think.

If you have never ever laid your hands on your wife before, this light slap will jolt her.

There is no room for the kinds of assaults, some muslims commit.

This surah started with 'have taqwa of the relationships of the womb'. How are you going to assault the mother of your children?? You are not going to have taqwa for the mother of your children

This gets me so mad i can't even begin...

fa-in ataAAnakum fala tabghoo AAalayhinna sabeelan inna Allaha kana AAaliyyan kabeeran

If they follow you, then don't pursue a case against them, God is most high and great.

If they come to their senses, then let bygones be bygones. Do not keep reminding them of the past. Make a fresh start. This is a very important thing in marriages, you have to learn to make a fresh start. Do not bring up the past. It is done, finished!! Let things go...

And just in case, the man starts to think he is the authority..

Allah reminds you that he is the most high and the great.. Remember who the real authority is.

The conflict continues (Surah 4:35)

iv. Wa-in khiftum shiqaqa baynihima faibAAathoo hakaman min ahlihi wahakaman min ahliha in yureeda islahan yuwaffiqi Allahu baynahuma inna Allaha kana AAaleeman khabeeran

If you [believers] fear that a couple may break up, appoint one arbiter from his family and one from hers. Then, if the couple want to put things right, God will bring about a reconciliation between them: He is all knowing, all aware.

When the conflicts becomes drawn out, communication breaks ..It seems they may break up. In order to solve the conflict and communication gap, representatives from the two families meet. This is a important because when communication breaks, intentions are often misinterpreted and too much meaning is read into harmless words and actions. Even though they might love each other, they can't communicate with each other.

The arbiters help to bridge the communication gap so that the process of reconciliation can begin.

If the couple want to reconcile, Allah will make it happen, He knows all about their marriage, he is fully aware of everything.

Alright let us understand the basics.


i.Men, it is important that there is constant consultation in the home. The man should always consult his wife when making important decisions, The advice from umm salama (RadiAllahu anha) saved a very volatile situation at hudabiyyah. Do not embark on projects without telling your wife, Major lessons of the Messenger (Peace and blessings be upon him) on leadership included mercy and making the led feel valuable.

Make your wife feel valuable, show her love and mercy. In return, you will get respect.

ii. Women, none of us like authority but remember that the man does not have absolute authority. That belongs to Allah, do your best to serve Allah by your devotion to your husbands. But make your opinions known, we see that the mothers of the believers (May Allah be pleased with all of them) made their opinions known to the messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), do not suffer in silence.

Communication is key. Sometimes men are oblivious of what you consider a problem.


At the end of the day, we are all imperfect. All we can do is try our best. Marriage is hard and even two very good people can fail at it. It requires big doses of patience, love and mercy.

May Allah grant us all, the best homes.

Amin

Ameen.Marriage classes/councelling/lectures is highly advisable before one get married and after

@tbaba

I think those issues you're bringing up on the Muslim singles thread are better discussed here.

Now I have a question, a muslim couple that did the Islamic wedding, if they're having a divorce, do they need to still obtain divorce papers from the court for the divorce to be valid or the Islamic prescription of going about it suffices?

Well, the divorce is valid after the Islamic prescription but they still have to get the papers from the courts if they live in a secular country. In many countries, this information is used for tax purposes etc. Obeying the law of the land is also important.

The Islamic divorce suffices, getting the papers from the court can be done for documentation.

^Exactly, they should see a lawyer.

Alright thanks

Amin, nice writeup.