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Stats: 2,424,082 members, 5,439,827 topics. Date: Monday, 24 February 2020 at 07:24 PM
|My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 1:35am On Apr 16, 2013|
Yes! Here is another script I drafted. I won't give up until I am good, then better and then...oh, don't tink there's best. I would always give room for improvement.
Criticisms and comments are all welcome. I hope my 'ogas at d top' enjoy dis one oo.
Though, I can't categorically tell u if d script make sense until u read it now...that's all.
NB: Pls find the attached.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 12:45pm On Apr 16, 2013|
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by prof800(m): 2:33pm On Apr 16, 2013|
nice write up..you can do better.
NOW. I would want to change 12:00 am into 12:00 midnight. na trivial thing sha. Look at scene 3 when ngozi said "i knew u would come back" looks like he had visited her earlier but the preceeding dialogue showed that they were actually catching up after a longtime.
okay, so you've started putting sluglines abi? good sha.
*moves closer to sholay* don't lie, don't lie your girlfriends name is ronke. yes na! you used her name for rotimi's daughter in your short drama 'A LEGACY' now as mr. kuforigi's daughter in 'GARDEN LOVE'. I dey play...i dey play.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 2:51pm On Apr 16, 2013|
prof800: nice write up..you can do better.You be real prof oo!!! How u take remember that name for my story entitled 'A legacy'?
Well, Ronke is ma sista's name...lol.
You are also right, Ngozi had met with him before but he was adamant then to rekindle their old flame.
Now that he came back, she was now reflecting on dia days together at d polytechnic just to convince him that he can only find happiness with her, and not his wife.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by prof800(m): 3:15pm On Apr 16, 2013|
keep up the goodwork.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by ojesoj(m): 7:08pm On Apr 16, 2013|
i cant find the attachment sola
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 7:29pm On Apr 16, 2013|
ojesoj: i cant find the attachment solaPlease, it's there. Check below my post. It's an MsW file. You would see GARDEN bla bla bla...
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by An0nimus: 5:40pm On Apr 17, 2013|
Nice one Sholay, the title IMO doesn't really fit sha. All in all its a good story but like someone said, we can do better. Looking forward to your next work
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 7:19pm On Apr 17, 2013|
An0nimus: Nice one Sholay, the title IMO doesn't really fit sha. All in all its a good story but like someone said, we can do better. Looking forward to your next workTnx bro. Also thought about the title not fully capturing d whole story but I stuck with it cos it explains the genesis of the chain of events.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 8:29am On Apr 18, 2013|
Why are people viewing without making comments or corrections?
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by semid4lyfe(m): 9:48am On Apr 18, 2013|
sholay2011: Why are people viewing without making comments or corrections?
You expect them to download the attachment, read it and post comments? Who get time and what's with your posting of scripts every day now?
Na so film Script easy to write? Bros, relax, take your time and put some thought into the process. . .
After all said and done, maybe I'll spare you a comment if you post it here
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 9:58am On Apr 18, 2013|
semid4lyfe:Do you know if I had these scripts on ground before and just wanted ppl's opinion and corrections? And these are 6-page scripts, not feature lengths...
It's not compulsory you comment. You can pass.Thanks.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by VillageBoi(m): 11:33am On Apr 18, 2013|
Sholay my guy calm calm down nah. Semid isn't fighting with you. Remember with 'Paranoia' you pretty much only got 'an audience' after you had changed it to a 'written post', fair enough I had downloaded it and read it and responded while it was still a word doc on the same day you posted it ... but Semid has told you something very simple and true - most people will read it if you have already 'written it as a post'. If you're going to give him a retort for that; then you'd pretty much give a retort for any critique.
All of your scripts have had critiques from people be it good or bad, however, for each of them you do have a response... the thing is your responses are rebuttals or defensive.
In some of the scripts things have been a bit 'confusing' for your audience and if they ask, you will give an explanation that is even more confusing topped off with a seemingly 'But I wanted to do it that way anyway."
Look, you've presently had a one-hit-wonderment... you're a good writter, you're still learning but don't start giving people the regular Naija "I have arrived." thingy.
Remember YOU asked - If people are not responding to thread A, B or C it could be because they don't want to. There are two reasons why that happens. I'll explain - there are a number of threads that people post saying "Hey have a look at this blah, blah." - and then they post a 'link' to a different site where one has to go to find out what the thread is about - I think you have noticed such threads hardly ever get a response simply because people want to see the stuff HERE on NairaLand and not some other off-site bloggy-site thing. As Semid was saying the bulk of the audience wants to see it on the SCREEN HERE and not go thru the hassle of downloading and then having to come back.
The second reason is they have read it but have figured out if they are not giving a 'kiss a$$' response they will get their heads bitten off.
Go back to the very first response on this thread - The one from Prof - he tells you scene 3 is confusing and then you give your reason... Honestly, it is poor writing if you expect the audience to know what 'exists only' inside a character's head and not on the screen. Your audience no be magicians nah!
Every single word in a screenplay MUST earn its place. All good writing is re-writing
Anyway I only responded because I was surprised you were being rude to Semid with the advice he gave - he realy didn't need that from you -
Make I waka-pass before you beat me up
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by ojesoj(m): 8:03pm On Apr 18, 2013|
Nice write up. Good dialogue btw d character. As a script that you are my frnd wenever yu write a script dnt read it till after 3 or 4days then open it to read again. Yu wuld be amazed at fresh ideas that wuld pop into ur mind. Yu wil see ursef modifying some scene,dialogue,adding or removing some dialogue or character. Do it twice yu wuld discover somtin yu dint see earlier and yu wuld shot this fews guys up complaining. Nice dialogue scene once again
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by VillageBoi(m): 8:13pm On Apr 18, 2013|
ojesoj: As a script that you are my frnd wenever yu write a script dnt read it till after 3 or 4days then open it to read again. Yu wuld be amazed at fresh ideas that wuld pop into ur mind. Yu wil see ursef modifying some scene,dialogue,adding or removing some dialogue or character.
From what I could understand; exactly! As said before - all good writing IS re-writing.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by prof800(m): 2:53am On Apr 20, 2013|
it looks obvious you had some of the scripts on ground already.
I don't think you should react to Semid's comment that way. Oga, nor be this bros throw one of your scripts go frontpage?
people like you, people are following you, people are watching your progress, and fans support you...LEARN how to treat them.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by Nobody: 1:30pm On Apr 20, 2013|
tbh e get some kind comment wey dey vex person. That being said, oga shollay come too vex.
Lets talk about the script, first, i like the way it ends, it's always very interesting when you keep your audiences wondering what will happen next.
You still haven't gotten the character name on a different line from the character statement stuff, putting the names and statements on the same line gives a feeling that you're writing a play for the theatre instead of a film for silver screen, you ended by saying lights out, only theatre people use lights out, film people use fade out.
In your character intro you didn't specify that ronke and the other boy are kuforiji's when writing a flashback, you use a new line, new title in capital:
And when you're done
I'd say this is more of a play than a film, buh no long thing sha, great story.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by mufex(m): 12:53am On Apr 21, 2013|
Your dialogue is okay..but it easily gives away. Doesn't conceal, Not mysterious, just open. Your writing lacks Wryly humor....Sprinkle some wits in writing to induce people to read...it took me two days to finish. It didn't arouse curiosity. The script wasn't great...just dragging, empty.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by Nobody: 9:19am On Apr 21, 2013|
mufex: Your dialogue is okay..but it easily gives away. Doesn't conceal, Not mysterious, just open. Your writing lacks Wryly humor....Sprinkle some wits in writing to induce people to read...it took me two days to finish. It didn't arouse curiosity. The script wasn't great...just dragging, empty.I disagree, totallY. What was given away exactly if I may ask? It's six pages, stuff can't be given away in six pages. It was also quite interesting, and in no way a drag, or bore or whatever. 'Curiousity'?? Really?? Lol.
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 8:51am On Apr 22, 2013|
Hello. I am back to respond to all the pieces of advice, criticisms and praises.
1. My 'harsh' response to semid might have been dat of transferred aggression which I apologise for but what I read to his response is that of a pompous person. Lyk 'do I tink ppl av tym to be reading bla bla? And y am I churning scripts evriday without putting thought into d process'? I was lyk WTF Then, he promised to 'spare me a comment' if I can post it here...lol. Thank God Kingchamp knows such comment is as annoying as hell and though may nt deserve my harsh reply. And yes, I just
Wrote dis script; not dat I already had it on ground.
2. Mr Villageboi, I didn't post 'paranoia' here. I think it was the moderator (semid again ) out of his loving kindness dat did it before taking it to d frontpage which I am grateful for.
So, I didn't really bother about the idea of posting it here, and it's nt lyk I'm advertising my blog. It's a word file. And why I askd for comments was that it already had close too 100 views which I assumed about 40 ppl wud av had tym to download it.
Also sir, u said I shudn't start displaying d 'I've arrived naija thingy'. First, it's nt a naija thing; anybody can do such. Secondly, any1 who cud read ppl from their writings wud know I was sincerely humble from my post. I don't think I'm even good yet, and my response to semid isn't dat of pride, it's dat of anger. Nobody will ever 'arrive' cos d best is always yet to come.
Yeah, I may be a defensive sumtyms and is it smth dat's bad? Shudn't I explain why I did smth in my script to my reader? I shud just swallow evritin I'm told hook, line nd seaweed? I am stil learning how to handle destructive criticisms, but I sure know how to learn from ppl; even if I disagree wiv dem on a forum lyk dis.
I also seem to lyk 'Kiss-ass' replies? Smh. Well, who doesn't lyk positive comments but my previous short script entitled 'The Plight' wasn't full of such replies and I still maintained my cool.
3. Kingchamp, I have also learnt a lot and wud apply all those correctns u advised- The 'fade out thing' and 'character names above dia statements'.
4 Prof, God bless sir. I will 'take heed lest I fall'.
I also appreciate those dat read without commenting. God bless.
This is my last script dat wud be posted in this section btw; thanks to everyone for 'panelbeating' me into a better version of what I was before I got actively involved here.And I hope I wasn't too defensive sha for my long 'tory
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by VillageBoi(m): 11:03am On Apr 22, 2013|
sholay2011: Hello. I am back to respond to all the pieces of advice, criticisms and praises.
Sholay thanks. I appreciate your response and the way you have handled this. I'm sure everyone else will too. Every single one of us is learning too and should take something from this; I know I will. One of the issues with written online communication is that it simply lacks a lot of depth and meanings are not always clear.
As 'artists' we do always put ourselves in a difficult position when we put anything we have done out into the public realm. Some things people will like and some they won't... we will never be able to please everyone. The audience, even though it can sometimes be very annoying, has every right to say whatever it feels... be it right or wrong. Artists have to grow a thick skin because it will happen. It is difficult at first but we have to remember the 'audience' should always be number one because at some point they are the ones that will 'pay' to see your work.
One we thing we must always do is strive to get better and better... that's one reason I can be very harsh when it comes to my own works.
Nigerians are some of the best in the world in various fields especially the sciences. I think a Nigerian is head of the US board of Neurological Surgey - such a person would be graded on the very highest level on earth; a bone-setter certificate or native doctor level skills would not be acceptable, however, with Nigerian filmmaking we don't really strive to be the very best and do accept the we-go-manage & kpa-kpa-kpa styles. Hopefully we will not stop trying and will someday churn out regular works that can stand with the very best there is to offer anywhere in the world.
Chin up and cheer up. Keep on doing what you do, keep on getting better because you definitely will. And remember, even at your very best you will still have a divided audience - always subjective... it's just the nature of the arts
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by Nobody: 10:00pm On May 18, 2013|
Sholay, This is a nice story! But i really think the dialogue is a bit of a drag and cheesy in some parts. I was getting seriously bored until 'he smashed cup on her head' . Seriously, there are some unnecessary talks that could've been yanked off. I can't really point cos it will waste time. For a drama (which i love), this could've been better! Knowing what you are capable of writing, i give this script a 2 out of 5. This script is not awful, i can tell that with editing here and there, it will be rated a 4 by me!
FEMI: Stop shouting on me! Why won’t I? (Ronke is shocked at his fearless response) I came back from school yesterday with bruises on my face but nobody noticed, not even you! Everybody is so bothered about what happens to Ronke in this house that I do not really matter…
the bolded part is very unrealistic! I don't think any african kid will reply that way for whatever reason. Even me, as i spoil reach, i no fit talk am when i small . Then the entire response looks unrealistic. I was just like WTF while reading it. Imagine a ten year old boy saying that in a movie....also imagine all the possible facial expressions that could portray that! Me think it will turn out very cheezy!
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by Nobody: 10:03pm On May 18, 2013|
wao...going through comments ....*sighs*. Sholay no tell me say na when i just follow u go now stop posting scripts?
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by sholay2011(m): 10:12pm On May 18, 2013|
speedyboi: wao...going through comments ....*sighs*. Sholay no tell me say na when i just follow u go now stop posting scripts?
|Re: My Short Film Script- Garden Love by VillageBoi(m): 10:18pm On May 18, 2013|
sholay2011: Why are people viewing without making comments or corrections?
I've also just this past week realised that some people may not be able to read this on a computer and use their phone for almost everything. They might not be able to 'open' the document on their phone, read it and then respond.
No worry too much, your audience still dey.
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