This is a little long...but worth the read!
Just try reading this without laughing till you
cry!!!
*Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the
wife.*
*A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:*
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
& Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th
anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I
came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be
short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to
safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought
the device and brought it home.. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA
batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second)
and then thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.
*The directions said that:*
· a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant;
· a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; and
· a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water.
· Any burst longer than three seconds would
be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to
myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side
so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that
a one second burst from
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad.. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was
making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
*Note:*
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered
conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape.
- My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace.
- The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it
originally was.
- My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching.
- My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
- I had no control over the drooling.
- Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but
was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
- I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my
hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering
a significant reward
for their safe return!
*PS:* My wife can't stop laughing about my
experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being
stupid!!!!
**