My husband and I have been married for a year. We have a 2 year old son. He recently cheated with his previous child's mother. Before we got together, she left him but I believe all this time he still has feelings for her. Recently I found out they created a plan for him to leave me to go be with her. But this whole time when he comes home he acts like he wants to work on our marriage. There are other times, though, when he acts mean and I wonder if he is pushing me to divorce him.

Why wont he just leave me to be with her, if thats what he wants? Is he staying with me out of guilt?

Does he think he wants to be with her but just "wants what he cant have", so he like the thrill and chase of going back to his ex? And so she cant be with anyone else either?

Lastly, if i decide to stay with him, how can i make him only want me and not want to cheat?

Tammy13: He recently cheated with his previous child's mother. Before we got together, she left him but I believe all this time he still has feelings for her. Recently I found out they created a plan for him to leave me to go be with her.

Sit down, take a deep breath and just think over what you wrote. You obviously know he is just using you as a back up plan, you are not his first choice and I doubted if you were ever a first choice.

Even if you don't leave him, he will eventually leave you(based on your post).

Sack him before he sacks you

Tammy13: My husband and I have been married for a year. We have a 2 year old son. He recently cheated with his previous child's mother. Before we got together, she left him but I believe all this time he still has feelings for her. Recently I found out they created a plan for him to leave me to go be with her. But this whole time when he comes home he acts like he wants to work on our marriage. There are other times, though, when he acts mean and I wonder if he is pushing me to divorce him.

Why wont he just leave me to be with her, if thats what he wants? Is he staying with me out of guilt?

Does he think he wants to be with her but just "wants what he cant have", so he like the thrill and chase of going back to his ex? And so she cant be with anyone else either?

Lastly, if i decide to stay with him, how can i make him only want me and not want to cheat?

i still don't understand how any woman would marry a babyfather and not expect him to derail. his child would always be an excuse for him to see his ex and anything can happen from then on.......

you knew what you were getting into from the start - it's too late to whinge about it. it's totally out of your hands now. just hope and pray he doesn't leave you. that's your only card: hope and pray.

She was a baby mama 2 b4 they tied d knot.
I've bn sayin this always,marriage is never an escape root.that u hv a child for a man is never enof,it will always backfire.
A lot of women lure men into marriage tru pregnancy(marriage by convenience)and it backfires.
Gals be wise,at d end its mostly women that suffer.
But still,we will never hear

(Back to topic)
Can u hv a heart to heart chat with him? U need to know d truth, then u can decide on what to do from there.goodluck

Tammy13: My husband and I have been married for a year. We have a 2 year old son. He recently cheated with his previous child's mother. Before we got together, she left him but I believe all this time he still has feelings for her. Recently I found out they created a plan for him to leave me to go be with her. But this whole time when he comes home he acts like he wants to work on our marriage. There are other times, though, when he acts mean and I wonder if he is pushing me to divorce him.

Why wont he just leave me to be with her, if thats what he wants? Is he staying with me out of guilt?

Does he think he wants to be with her but just "wants what he cant have", so he like the thrill and chase of going back to his ex? And so she cant be with anyone else either?

Lastly, if i decide to stay with him, how can i make him only want me and not want to cheat?

Just thot to give you a cyber hug...I will not state the obvious ...but know that even this will pass and no matter wht hapens you will be very fine.

I wish you courage and lots of love.

He has his plan. You have to make yours on a flow-chart and follow it precisely. Marriage is not prison.

Poster,

Have you honestly discussed the issues with your husband? You claim he created a plan to leave you, how did you know this? Did you discuss with him? I will advice you sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart discussion and hear from him. You claim sometimes he is nice and sometimes he is mean - that seems to happen often times in marriage and sometimes it is unintentional.

The big deal here is he cheated. What did you do after that, did he tell you it was a mistake or that he still loves the other woman. You have not told us the kind of communications you have had with him and what he has said. You need to know what your husband is thinking before deciding your next move. Communication is key and you both need to constantly know your position on issues.

You still love your husband and you want the marriage to work. I will advice you to keep trying to make it work. Sometimes you have to fight for your marriage, divorce is not always the best solution. If you still believe it can work then keep trying but the important thing is communication. You need to know what your husband really wants too because it takes the two of you to make it work!

Nashville: Poster,

Have you honestly discussed the issues with your husband? You claim he created a plan to leave you, how did you know this? Did you discuss with him? I will advice you sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart discussion and hear from him. You claim sometimes he is nice and sometimes he is mean - that seems to happen often times in marriage and sometimes it is unintentional.

I read text messages in his phone from her where they discussed him leaving me to be with her and she asks "why are you ignoring my calls, are you having second thoughts on what we discussed." Also he begged me not to leave him, so i told him i would take him back if he called her infront of me and ended it so i can hear AND that he has to take the password off his phone. Its been 3 weeks and he hasnt done either one. He keeps making up excuses saying his mom talked to the girl and told her everything about us working on our marriage. But i told him i want YOU to tell her that not your mom. I think he still leaving his options open. I also check the phone records and one night he called her at midnight while i was sleep. The call lasted only one minute but i was furious. I havent confronted him about that because we have been doing better but im struggling internally on whether he really deserves another chance or if he will only continue this affair.

I think he is struggling with his emotions because he has said he doesnt want another man raising his other child that he has with her. And im sure he doesnt want another man raising our son. So if i leave him, will he just keep going between two women. I do love him, but i dont want to share him.

As it is,you'd be sharing him forever willingly or unwillingly so take that wish out. There's no taking the baby mama out of the equation. She'll always be somewhere around.
That's what you should have prepared for when getting with someone with baggage like that.

My only concern is that he doesn't seem remorseful about his unfaithfulness and your story sounds like its going to keep happening.
Sad thing is you can't stop him from going back to her or not wanting to cheat if he is set on it. You are just going to have to ask yourself how long you can live with his actions and much more you can take before you make any big decision.
I can only wish you goodluck.

Baby mama drama

Those are the benefits that come with baby daddy, baby mama issues

You cant tell him not to go see his other child and definitely see his previous baby momma, Old flames might reignite.

Its always risky, Or ask him what he wants from the marriage with you.

Did you trap him into the marriage with a pregnancy?

dayokanu: Baby mama drama

Did you trap him into the marriage with a pregnancy?

No i did not trap him. When i became pregnant she was not in the picture. She also kept him from seeing his child at the time. As I mentioned above, she left him when we met. We planned to get married, he asked to marry me. And i believe she found this out through his family members. Since then, it seems as if she is determined to get him back. it has been hell. She talks to his mom about how bad of a father he is then i turn around and they sleep together. I think when she wasnt in the picture he only had eyes for me, but whenever she allows him to go back to her sexually, he will. Its sad

Tammy13: My husband and I have been married for a year. We have a 2 year old son. He recently cheated with his previous child's mother. Before we got together, she left him but I believe all this time he still has feelings for her. Recently I found out they created a plan for him to leave me to go be with her. But this whole time when he comes home he acts like he wants to work on our marriage. There are other times, though, when he acts mean and I wonder if he is pushing me to divorce him.

Why wont he just leave me to be with her, if thats what he wants? Is he staying with me out of guilt?

Does he think he wants to be with her but just "wants what he cant have", so he like the thrill and chase of going back to his ex? And so she cant be with anyone else either?

Lastly, if i decide to stay with him, how can i make him only want me and not want to cheat?

@op, did you read what you yourself wrote here

Tammy13: My husband and I have been married for a year. We have a 2 year old son.

the fact is that, he married you because you already have a child for him, which also qualifies you as a baby mama and the truth is that he will continue to see the two of you, because of his children. Hes a man with baggages, you knew this beforehand, so you have less reasons to complain now. Even worse, from what you wrote, hes even a mummy's boy, which is another problem entirely.

My advise.................. Expect the unexpected. Prepare yourself, you havent seen anything. If you aint working before, start working, empower yourself, earn money and learn to be independent, so that, when he carries out the unexpected i asked you expect, you will have enough and strong shock absorber to absorb it.
I sincerely wish you goodluck.

greatgod2012:

My advise.................. Expect the unexpected. Prepare yourself, you havent seen anything. If you aint working before, start working, empower yourself, earn money and learn to be independent, so that, when he carries out the unexpected i asked you expect, you will have enough and strong shock absorber to absorb it.
I sincerely wish you goodluck.

I appreciate your advice. Can you please tell me what is the unexpected that you speak of? (Him continuing the affair, him leaving me?)

Tammy13:

I appreciate your advice. Can you please tell me what is the unexpected that you speak of? (Him continuing the affair, him leaving me?)

anything can happen, he can decide to leave you, he can decide to bring home his first baby mama, he can decide to bring his first child, he can even run away with another woman entirely, leaving you two baby mamas alone to find another woman, who will eventually give him another baby again. Anything, just anything, expect the unexpected, such men are not predictable, but prepare yourself, so that it wont break you down beyond repair.
Sincerely wishing you goodluck.

All these in a year old marriage

There are lines and boundaries that should come with this kind of lifetime relationships. Every previous spouse/baby mama is not allowed in a marriage! He can't be jumping from one of you to the other as his mood/hormones dictates. Where's the place of sanctity and fidelity in maarriage? Tell your husband that if he wants to prove how good a father he is to her, then let her hand her kid over. all the guise of going to drop money and seeing her in birthday suit while waiting for little Tammy to wake up will not come up.
If he's true to you, that should end all binds.

I'm a single mother too, but I have no business with my kid's dad's wife or their marriage. The only link is my son, and I've banished him from my heart forever. Tell him to do the same, and if he won't, ask him to make his choice.

@mollytinrox, sorry to ask uthis. did u hand over ur kid to his father?

My dear, you need to ask him what exactly he wants. And set rules, boundaries and deal breakers. If he can't respect you, your marriage, and your child then let it go so they can have each other. The baby mama will regret it. Chances are, he will move on to someone else. Right now, they have you in the picture to face. When you are gone, they will have to deal with each other. And then they will realise the once ugly sides of each other and why it never worked. Stand up for yourself abeg, enough is enough. If you don't stand for something with everyone knowing their boundaries with you, you will fall for anything. If his child wants to see him, she can bring it to your house. He has no business going over there. If the mother is not comfortable with that, then too bad. Any financial obligation can be wired into the child's account. Don't make yourself a pushover, people will take advantage. The woman is an outsider and should stay outside.

Tammy13: My husband and I have been married for a year. We have a 2 year old son. He recently cheated with his previous child's mother. Before we got together, she left him but I believe all this time he still has feelings for her. Recently I found out they created a plan for him to leave me to go be with her. But this whole time when he comes home he acts like he wants to work on our marriage. There are other times, though, when he acts mean and I wonder if he is pushing me to divorce him.

Why wont he just leave me to be with her, if thats what he wants? Is he staying with me out of guilt?

Does he think he wants to be with her but just "wants what he cant have", so he like the thrill and chase of going back to his ex? And so she cant be with anyone else either?

Lastly, if i decide to stay with him, how can i make him only want me and not want to cheat?

Please dont force ursef on him jare!
Continue to play ur own part or what were u doing be4 and u aint doing again dat could make him go back to his baby mama?
Dont give ursef any unnecessary headache over ds issue.
And by the way did u find out why he didnt marry the lady?
I dont know their plans for you. Have u discussed with his family members?
Try and do ds and see dir reactions. Unfortunately dey might not be part of this.
Aint married but i dnt plan to worry over any issue like this in marriage.

Like said, get ready for the unexpected.

Tammy13:

No i did not trap him. When i became pregnant she was not in the picture. She also kept him from seeing his child at the time. As I mentioned above, she left him when we met. We planned to get married, he asked to marry me. And i believe she found this out through his family members. Since then, it seems as if she is determined to get him back. it has been hell. She talks to his mom about how bad of a father he is then i turn around and they sleep together. I think when she wasnt in the picture he only had eyes for me, but whenever she allows him to go back to her sexually, he will. Its sad

In short, you took another woman's man and are upset that he misses his ex.
Where do you live again?

Part of the reason you have little let to stand on is because your relationship as well started wrong and with poor boundaries.

Realize that and repent first before you can deal with the problem.

greatgod2012:


anything can happen, he can decide to leave you, he can decide to bring home his first baby mama, he can decide to bring his first child, he can even run away with another woman entirely, leaving you two baby mamas alone to find another woman, who will eventually give him another baby again. Anything, just anything, expect the unexpected, such men are not predictable, but prepare yourself, so that it wont break you down beyond repair.
Sincerely wishing you goodluck.

I did laugh at the way you started this post narrating all the unexpected to her. It is a bit funny yet blunt but I think that part of the reason the woman opened a thread on this is for her to know what to do if the unexpected happen.
Poster it is left for you to decide what you want out of your marriage----whether you want to share him there or not and put your foot down on whether both of you are going to seriously make fidelity an important part of your marriage. The way you are questioning how you can make him want only you shows some lack of confidence there. It should be both of you seriously talking about being faithful here not you slouching shoulders fearfully and asking others "how am i going to make him love only me?"

Gbam!

missmishel: @mollytinrox, sorry to ask uthis. did u hand over ur kid to his father?

Good question!
...or betterstill,would she if the kid's dad asked?

If u are soft and it doesnt work be firm it will work sm men like it when force is applied.Pick the girl's number call her to meet u smwhere and have a heart to heart talk with her with ur husband present

greatgod2012:

My advise.................. Expect the unexpected. Prepare yourself, you havent seen anything. If you aint working before, start working, empower yourself, earn money and learn to be independent, so that, when he carries out the unexpected i asked you expect, you will have enough and strong shock absorber to absorb it.
I sincerely wish you goodluck.

I wish i had posted this question a long time ago, so that way I could have read this response sooner. He left last night while I was sleep and went to her. He called me this morning asking was I mad and that he was coming home to me and how he's so dumb for keep hurting me, blah blah blah. I have a tracking device on him, so I can see where he is at all times, he has one on me also. But he KNEW i could see that he was over there, yet did not care. He ran to her anyway. It troubled me because we had a GOOD day, no arguing, had just made love and everything else. Yet he still couldnt resist himself. Yes, this was unexpected. i never wouldve imagined he would leave me while im sleeping to go be with her, when before bed he told me how much he loves me and how good of a wife Ive been. but now im throwing in the towel.

Your statement is very powerful for others who are also in a situation like this. I just wished I read it much sooner.

sorry you are going through so much. What your husband is doing is very obvious he is laying the ground work to marry his ex as a second wife. his mind is already made up and just needs you to get with the program. look at it this way, when he said he cant bear for another man to raise his child he had 2 options to avoid that 1.take custody of the child 2.Marry the mother. the fact that he didn choose option 1 says alot. u have a son for him he cant leave you cos another man will raise his son.

i dont believe in running from a marriage because of another woman like me.if he is a good husband and a good father despite the baby mama issue u should fight for ur man after all u are his wife and she is the mistress.

Also i have a feeling his family is aware of his decision so u have to be strategic in ur actions.

Goodluck dear

Tammy13:

I wish i had posted this question a long time ago, so that way I could have read this response sooner. He left last night while I was sleep and went to her. He called me this morning asking was I mad and that he was coming home to me and how he's so dumb for keep hurting me, blah blah blah. I have a tracking device on him, so I can see where he is at all times, he has one on me also. But he KNEW i could see that he was over there, yet did not care. He ran to her anyway. It troubled me because we had a GOOD day, no arguing, had just made love and everything else. Yet he still couldnt resist himself. Yes, this was unexpected. i never wouldve imagined he would leave me while im sleeping to go be with her, when before bed he told me how much he loves me and how good of a wife Ive been. but now im throwing in the towel.

Your statement is very powerful for others who are also in a situation like this. I just wished I read it much sooner.

You mean that he did that?
Fresh out of your arms into the arms of another woman to spend the night with her?
What are you two doing? There is a need for the two of you to go back to the drawing table and place a hand on why you are married, whether you want to remain married etc I mean I don't understand or are you not married to him? Respect is seriously lacking in your relationship with him, this is disrespect of the highest order and too much for me to assimilate. I may return to your thread later perhaps then i can grasp this well.

You must be feeling unhappy and terrible about it all, do pull yourself together okay. Hugs to you. I think that at this point, it is not a bad thing if you involve your/his parents into the matter.

Hmnn dat baby mama is just so desperate o,personally I do not thing u shld give up,make yourself happy,reinvent nd rediscover urself nd like someone said be independent esp financially,what am trying to say is make urself happy,his family is aware o no dull urself pls,maybe he's d bread winner so no one can talk to him but y didn't he marry d baby mama the in d first place,keep u cool,infact pretend as if he does not exist,once in a while u can tell him things like is dis how u wanna continue to live ur life etc,appeal to his conscience,don't beg o but just play ur part nd pray,but don't kill urself over a MAN o,make urself HAPPY nd focus on ur son,der's a lot happening in homes now,men in the house,I don't know what I can call dis but we really need a generation of new men dt wen dey say I love u dey really mean it

Tammy13:

I wish i had posted this question a long time ago, so that way I could have read this response sooner. He left last night while I was sleep and went to her. He called me this morning asking was I mad and that he was coming home to me and how he's so dumb for keep hurting me, blah blah blah. I have a tracking device on him, so I can see where he is at all times, he has one on me also. But he KNEW i could see that he was over there, yet did not care. He ran to her anyway. It troubled me because we had a GOOD day, no arguing, had just made love and everything else. Yet he still couldnt resist himself. Yes, this was unexpected. i never wouldve imagined he would leave me while im sleeping to go be with her, when before bed he told me how much he loves me and how good of a wife Ive been. but now im throwing in the towel.

Your statement is very powerful for others who are also in a situation like this. I just wished I read it much sooner.

hello dearie, its never too late, now that you know and are aware that you havent seen anything yet, i will imploy/beg/appeal/plead that for God's sake and also for your kid's sake, dont allow him to turn you into something else, be independent, make yourself happy, suround yourself with more positive-oriented people, never stay alone, and if you want to be, let it be with listening to your favourite music, all these in an attempt to prevent you from thinking too much which may lead to high blood pressure, pray more and always ask him if he really want you or the other woman or both of you, his responses will determine your next line of action, if you think his responses are poisoning to your soul, you should know what to do and above all, stop having unprotected s..e.x with him for now until you are able to trust him again.
One more thing, let his parent be aware of how hes shuttling between you and his baby mama.
May God help you and grant you the wisdom needed to act aright.

I wonder if a male poster would have received the same "Endurance"oriented posts.For you to still be sharing a roof with him,that means your endurance level is high,so keep enduring.If your welfare completely depends on him,then I understand why your hanging unto this......

Lol, I wonder what advice my husband will get if he came here and said I was leaving him in bed after s3x to go and be with my Ex. Lol.
Well done people.

greatgod2012:


hello dearie, its never too late, now that you know and are aware that you havent seen anything yet, i will imploy/beg/appeal/plead that for God's sake and also for your kid's sake, dont allow him to turn you into something else, be independent, make yourself happy, suround yourself with more positive-oriented people, never stay alone, and if you want to be, let it be with listening to your favourite music, all these in an attempt to prevent you from thinking too much which may lead to high blood pressure, pray more and[b] always ask him if he really want you or the other woman or both of you, his responses will determine your next line of action[/b], if you think his responses are poisoning to your soul, you should know what to do and above all, stop having unprotected s..e.x with him for now until you are able to trust him again.
One more thing, let his parent be aware of how hes shuttling between you and his baby mama.
May God help you and grant you the wisdom needed to act aright.

Do u think d man will say he prefers the other woman? He will def say he loves and wants his wife to stay with him whereas he will still be going to the other woman.
Honestly idk wot to tell ds woman.
I cant tell her to leave since we dont know if ds baby mama is using jazz or not
I cant tell her to stay cos we dont know if d man and his baby mama r back for each other.
But dont allow dat man to touch u again abeg . He is ur husband, fine but he needs to sort himself out first.
If he wants to leave you, let him be bold about it.
Like said, be ready for the worst cos he may/not move back with dat woman

debrief08: Lol, I wonder what advice my husband will get if he came here and said I was leaving him in bed after s3x to go and be with my Ex. Lol.
Well done people.

He would have been told to be off with your head,typical Naija advice style