The IT Husband Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found ,
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied,
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband :Too many parameters ,
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It's by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use , Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.


Custody
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"


Vampire Attack
Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”


Planting Flowers
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

my dear u too much.

good jokes

u don come here now now

nice joke

nice ty ty


u try

nice 1 tyty

liked the 1 bout custody

@olulu

but i still dey above u nw

@ tyty,

so u dey above am

hmmmmmmmmmm

na u no o

lol

nice one

Tytylayor,
I'm going to sue you for damaging my teeth. All my teeth were all gone while laughing only the last two at the corners of my cheeks remain

Next time always warn to belt myself down to my seat, you hear?

aiit, contact clem for d replacement of ur lose teeth

Hospital Fun
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!”

Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “


Birthday Message
A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says, "Put 'You're not getting older,' at the top and 'You're getting better' at the bottom."

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You're not getting older at the top, You're getting better at the bottom."


Cheap Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

“Hi, Keith!”

If the kind teeth clem dey show for NLD I no want because cow teeth size no go fit me.

tytylayor:

aiit, contact clem for d replacement of your lose teeth

I told you to remind me of seat belt, last warning

If the kind teeth clem dey show for NLD I no want because cow teeth size no go fit me.

tytylayor:

aiit, contact clem for d replacement of your lose teeth

I told you to remind me of seat belt, last warning

NICE JOKES DEAR. MY MATES IN THE OFFICE ARE SERIOUSLLY LAUGHING. AM TEMTED TO INVITE MY BOSS TO READ THEM, HE HAS NOT BEEN HAPPY SINCE MORNING. I KNOW THEY WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY. KEEP IT UP

u try

protocol:


NICE JOKES DEAR. MY MATES IN THE OFFICE ARE SERIOUSLLY LAUGHING. AM TEMTED TO INVITE MY BOSS TO READ THEM, HE HAS NOT BEEN HAPPY SINCE MORNING. I KNOW THEY WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY. KEEP IT UP

hw far

titi my head is not booting well so i could barely conceive the jokes.

i no nderstand d first one at all

the second one ok

the third mean say the bird knows the hubby abi?

tytylayor:

@olulu

but i still dey above u nw

above me ke?
u wey no dey baf,
na so so cobwebs and dust full d place,
i no do o


nice jokes though

segunpc:

titi my head is not booting well so i could barely conceive the jokes.

i no nderstand d first one at all

the second one ok

the third mean say the bird knows the hubby abi?

ur brain dey do premature ejaculation?
or u brain get dislocation?

here's more for protocol's boss


Talking Dog
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies.


No Tapping
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped Centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!“

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Its okay, thats not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”


Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,

"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"

forgot to add dis, let him choose his choice


Too Many Choices
Question: What would you like to have , Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?

Answer: Tea, please.

Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?

Answer: Ceylon tea

Question: How would you like it? Black or White?

Answer: White

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?

Answer: With milk.

Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?

Answer: With cow milk please.

Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?

Answer: Um, I’ll take it black.

Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?

Answer: With sugar.

Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar ?

Answer: Cane sugar.

Question: White , brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: Mineral water or still water?

Answer: Mineral water

Question: Flavored or non-flavored?

Answer: I'd rather die of thirst.

the "no tapping" one got to be the most funny lol
u try

Three Questions
A man calls his lawyer and asks: How much would you charge me to answer three questions?

LAWYER: Four Hundred Dollars

MAN: That's a bit steep don't you think?

LAWYER: I suppose, What's you third question?



When Snails Attack
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."



Henpecked
Ohilebo was henpecked. He was seeing a psychiatrist about the problem. The doctor told him, "You don't have to let your wife bully you! Go home and show her you're the boss!"

Ohi got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from ME! When I get home from now on, I want my supper ON the table.

"I want you go right NOW and lay out my clothes. I'm going out with the boys.

"And YOU'RE going to stay home where you belong. Another thing, you know who's going to tie my tie?"

ohi's wife replied calmly, "The undertaker?"

bunmii:

the "no tapping" one got to be the most funny lol
u try

He tot he carry a dead man and the dead man is tapping.

Titi even if u forgot to warn me, I don strapped myself to the chair

aw tnk God

Clap 4 her. . pa pa papapa pa ^cool

titi u too try.

tnk u

Confessions
To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar, you cheat , you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul, and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"