Recent Quips from Late Night
"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? , It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left 'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.' In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

Working
"How long have you been working at that office ?"

"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

Doctor's Visit
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Boneless Chicken Breasts
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

No Help
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Donations
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"

Men Can Never Win
- If you work too hard, you re not spending enough time with her. If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

- If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you re a slob.

- If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

- If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

Gone Golfing
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

cool one


anus man

Sharaaaaaaaaaaap! Who asked u 2 come online? Av u finished washing those plates