Good day all,,,i am a 18 year old student from a family of 7 and i am the first born of the family.A couple of months ago i lost my dad and well thats where a lot of my problems started.My dad was the everything of the family though my mum is working so problem isnt financial itz really hard on me,,,my mum is always crying and doesnt want to go to work, i have tried everything but she keeps on crying all day long,,,ive tried telling her that dad would want her to stop crying but shes always feeling sorry for herself,,,to make matters worse my younger ones are rebelling taking advantage of the situation,,,and family on both my parents side are no help.I am at home now cos of the strike but i fear for my mums health when the strike is called off..pls what do i do ?? How do i make my mum see that what happened was simply fate and nothing can be done about it and also get my younger ones in order ?? Pls help

keep trying. it's not easy losing a loved one and we all handle our losses differently. so you need to understand . you kids are 7 that is enough reason for her to keep crying. she is scared she won't be able to care for you all. Tell her if she loves you and wants the best for you in school, then she has to stop crying now that you are with her cos you will be sad when you are back to school. if she loves movies get her to watch lots of movies together , If she enjoys company of her friends then talk to them to please come around more.
lastly pray for her as I said we all handle losses differently so pray for fortitude to bear the loss. I will do that too .

I can relate with you my dear. You have to cry with her and let her know you feel her pains. Consistently remind her that you will be worse off if anything happens to her now. Let her know that you depend on her and can't afford to live without her. That she is the reason why you live. Be passionate about her. Play with her, listen to her, plan with her. It will not be automatic but it will work.
Do not shout at her, do not ignore or walk out on her. Seek her opinion in whatever you want to do no matter how tasking or challenging it is.
Excel in what you do. Give her several reasons to be expectant.

It worked for me. I hope it does for you

Sounds real sad. But who should be consoling the other at this point in time? Is it you the child consoling her or she should be the one consoling you? Personally, I feel her crying is not just because she lost your dad. There is something she is not telling you. Maybe she knows the real cause of your fathers death that's why it pains her so much any time she remembers it or maybe she had the opportunity to stop your dad from passing on but she didn't. Just find a way and ask her some questions. It only when you know the real cause of her crying too much before you can stop her. It's not just his death.

Poor you. You sound so mature for your age. You've got to keep comforting your mom, give her time to grieve, its not easy losing a loved on and carrying the family load on ur head alone.
Wish you the best sweetie.

Ohhhh...so sad.just keep being there.be her rock n console her.it will take some time but this too shall pass.

eyenCalabar: Sounds real sad. But who should be consoling the other at this point in time? Is it you the child consoling her or she should be the one consoling you? Personally, I feel her crying is not just because she lost your dad. There is something she is not telling you. Maybe she knows the real cause of your fathers death that's why it pains her so much any time she remembers it or maybe she had the opportunity to stop your dad from passing on but she didn't. Just find a way and ask her some questions. It only when you know the real cause of her crying too much before you can stop her. It's not just his death.

That is a really callous and insensitive thing to say!

For goodness sake! The woman lost her husband of lord knows how many years, just a few months ago and is still grieving! Yet, you're indirectly pointing the finger at her and blaming her for his cause of death? Have a heart please.

@OP: What your mother is going through at the moment is the loss of her life partner. Death is never a welcome thing to experience, moreso if it happens sudden and unexpectedly. Your mother is feeling the unfairness of it all, and unfortunately, that is life.

Let her grieve. Encourage her to let it all out. This happened a few months ago so it's still early days. It's better for her psychologically to express her grief the best way she knows than to bottle it all up. Storing pent up feelings never does anyone any good. Sometimes, these things take years.

You know the saying, time is a healer of all wounds. Give your mother the time she needs. It won't cure or heal the past, but it will lessen the pain she feels right now. Different people have different timescales for coming to terms and getting over the loss of a loved one. I was once at a burial for a relative. What the priest said during the wake keeping was a comfort to many of us: Death is like sleep in so many ways. Some of us go to bed early, and some of us go to bed late. But at the end of the day, we all go to bed. Maybe, if you communicate this to her, it might help.

In the meantime, rather than let her focus entirely on her sorrows, you might want to help distract her. Is it possible for extended family members to come live with your mum for some time? Maybe for a few weeks / months? Also, like someone mentioned, find out what sort of activities interest her and get her involved. Even simple things like joining the women's union / group in her church may provide her with solace and emotional comfort.

Finally, keep on being the loving son you are to her. There would be days when she's really low. Provide her with that comforting shoulder to lean on. Re: your younger siblings, a lot depends on their ages...but you can encourage the older ones to look after the youngest ones. Also get them involved in activites...delegate chores to them to do to keep them busy. Be the leader. Your dad is no longer there, so you need to step into his shoes and be the man of your home.

Remain blessed and best of luck.

eyenCalabar: Sounds real sad. But who should be consoling the other at this point in time? Is it you the child consoling her or she should be the one consoling you? Personally, I feel her crying is not just because she lost your dad. There is something she is not telling you. Maybe she knows the real cause of your fathers death that's why it pains her so much any time she remembers it or maybe she had the opportunity to stop your dad from passing on but she didn't. Just find a way and ask her some questions. It only when you know the real cause of her crying too much before you can stop her. It's not just his death.

Good lord!

Where do you people come out from

eyenCalabar: Sounds real sad. But who should be consoling the other at this point in time? Is it you the child consoling her or she should be the one consoling you? Personally, I feel her crying is not just because she lost your dad. There is something she is not telling you. Maybe she knows the real cause of your fathers death that's why it pains her so much any time she remembers it or maybe she had the opportunity to stop your dad from passing on but she didn't. Just find a way and ask her some questions. It only when you know the real cause of her crying too much before you can stop her. It's not just his death.

Kia, you are so mean. Guess you don't know what it means to loss a loved one.

[quote
author=Efemena_xy]

That is a really callous and insensitive thing to say!

For goodness sake! The woman lost her husband of lord knows how many
years, just a few months ago and is still grieving! Yet, you're
indirectly pointing the finger at her and blaming her for his cause of
death? Have a heart please.

@OP: What your mother is going through at the moment is the loss
of her life partner. Death is never a welcome thing to experience,
moreso if it happens sudden and unexpectedly. Your mother is feeling the
unfairness of it all, and unfortunately, that is life.

Let her grieve. Encourage her to let it all out. This happened a few
months ago so it's still early days. It's better for her psychologically
to express her grief the best way she knows than to bottle it all up.
Storing pent up feelings never does anyone any good. Sometimes, these
things take years.

You know the saying, time is a healer of all wounds. Give your mother
the time she needs. It won't cure or heal the past, but it will lessen
the pain she feels right now. Different people have different timescales
for coming to terms and getting over the loss of a loved one. I was
once at a burial for a relative. What the priest said during the wake
keeping was a comfort to many of us: Death is like
sleep in so many ways. Some of us go to bed early, and some of us go to
bed late. But at the end of the day, we all go to bed.
Maybe, if you communicate this to her, it might help.

In the meantime, rather than let her focus entirely on her sorrows, you
might want to help distract her. Is it possible for extended family
members to come live with your mum for some time? Maybe for a few weeks /
months? Also, like someone mentioned, find out what sort of activities
interest her and get her involved. Even simple things like joining the
women's union / group in her church may provide her with solace and
emotional comfort.

Finally, keep on being the loving son you are to her. There would be
days when she's really low. Provide her with that comforting shoulder to
lean on. Re: your younger siblings, a lot depends on their ages...but
you can encourage the older ones to look after the youngest ones. Also
get them involved in activites...delegate chores to them to do to keep
them busy. Be the leader. Your dad is no longer there, so you need to
step into his shoes and be the man of your home.

Remain blessed and best of luck. [/quote] Thanks so much ma'am i am actually female, and a couple of relatives stayed with us for a couple of months but have left anyway thanks again

Binty: Thanks so much ma'am i am actually female, and a couple of relatives stayed with us for a couple of months but have left anyway thanks again

Ooop! My mistake - apologies.

In that case just be your mother's closet confidant, sister, daughter and best friend. I know it's hard on you too because you've also lost a parent, but believe me, it will get better with time.

Just keep supporting her and never give up. All the best.

These guys, you've got to take it easy on me. I was just saying that please. I never said she did any of those things but other things may also contribute that makes her really touched. And if you don't try to find those things out and know how to talk to her, it won't be easy for her to be calm because she'll always ponder on them and start crying again. Esuk mi k'utatan mbὃk.

OP,follow the advice of posters above.Be the strength your mother needs now.

On a side note,abeg if you are reading this,go to a family planning clinic before or when you get married.Having many kids now no be moi moi o.You just make the kids to suffer for nothing.

Op, I feel it would be good for her to see a psychologist. She needs to talk to a professional, stand by her but someone with better experience can help ease the transition, because honestly it's not easy to loose a loved one most especially a spouse you truly love.

God give you the strength to handle this.
Just be there for her, she needs you at a moment like this.
Let her know that all will be well and also pray for her. Try and talk to your siblings, if they start going wayward, that would hurt her the more...let them realise that you all have to help mum at this time. CHEERS!

Unfortunately, you can't help her.
She has to go through the grieving process.
You just have to wait for her to come around.
That is life. . . .
Take heart. . . It is gonna be ROUGH for all of you.

Time they say heal all wounds.give her time to heal and don't be hard on urself tryin to be all in one. Grief too,never bottle it up cos u wanna be there for ur younger ones. I tell u it will affect u later in life so pls be a kid that lost her dad and let ur mum be the wife that lost her husband.
Make una take heart. It is well.
(Death,where is thy sting?)