My dear, from your fears I know you are not ready yet, you want to get married because the society expect that from you. I don't know for anybody but I didn't have any fears of why I was getting married.


If you really wanna get married and the fears you have is children. It's not a must you must have one.


Live life in your marriage, if at older age you feel like having one, you can adopt. Plenty of children everywhere.

But one thing is certain, once you have your kids..they may make you crazy MOST times, so prepare for that.


Hubby is not the one that will wake up middle of the night every 2 hours to breastfeed the baby.

Godbless u, u have help, if not...my dear...u are on a loooong thing.

Forget the cuteness of kids blah blah blah.....it's a VERY BIG HARDWORK.

prepare your mind so you don't have any excuses when you are in.

Go and read some articles and get prepared.

.

ileobatojo:

Kulyie has told the cold hard truths o. And that's why Dayokanu was asking you why you want to get married. Lack of privacy, lots of patience and tolerance and in the Nigerian setting, taking care of kids are part and parcel of marriage. However, you did say you would love nothing more than to be a great wife and mother so that statement just leads me to believe it's just pre-wedding jitters you are dealing with and nothing more serious than that hopefully. The marriage counseling is a great idea to make sure you are both largely on the same wavelength. Beyond that, you just have to live one day at a time and accept your new life.

exactly.i even forgot to add inlaws 'issues' dont expect all of them to like you,some will love you and some will be like who the fvk do you think you are,paying kids school fees and all.your family will be your firsdt priority financially,emotionally etc.no more i want to spend the weeked with my girlfriends,i want to fix brazillian hair,peruvian hair and lace wigs everytime otherwise you wont have enough money to run your family,no more night out with the girls so make sure you do everything now before mr somebody takes you away and you will be like i cant remember the last time i went for pedicure or body massages if you want me to deceieve you,i will tell you that you should abandon your home and go and party with girlfriends afterall he will understand 8-) like my mom will say if you will take the love as well as the baggages that comes with STAYING PERMANENTLY MARRIED.meanwhile pray your husby doesnt have one hot 23 year old sece that is crushing on your husby and wants a piece of the cake 8-) i am not telling you nollywood things o and i am not scaring you,just be emotionally strong and prayerful to ward of awon husband snatchers because they exist 8-) the kinds of length girls go to to sleep with another mans wife ehen

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bellong: Bride in waiting, I only have one statement for you to ruminate over.

The foundation you lay today will determine the strength and longevity of your marriage. Lay it on a solid foundation to withstand the storm when it comes...

Thank you sir. Will keep that in mind.

.

Phema:

Marriage counselling? Is it the usual one conducted by the church? We are yet to start the marriage classes. Thanks Ile.

I think personalized sessions with just you and hubby to be where you can both be fully open and air out issues freely is more what I had in mind. I think that may really help you prepare. So you might consider an independent marriage counselor but there is definitely place for the marriage classes in church so do those too.

Phema:

Marriage counselling? Is it the usual one conducted by the church? We are yet to start the marriage classes. Thanks Ile.

Find a professional marriage counsellor. I wouldn't know if there is one in your church. If there is a professional counsellor in your church, it is an added advantage. I do not believe in most of the marriage counselling done by churches, its mostly theoretical and full of abstract.


Though I do not understand the fear you have anyway. I think its over-anxiety you are dealing with..

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Phema: Kulyie, I HATE you!

Chei! You too understand my fears. . .

well i dont expect you to love me apparently history has proven that people hated are people that are raw with the truth.jeus was never loved except by his family,prophets were never loved but every one loves entertainers because they entertain you with lies



even on nl i cant count people that hate me sef

.

bellong:

Find a professional marriage counsellor. I wouldn't know if there is one in your church. If there is a professional counsellor in your church, it is an added advantage. I do not believe in most of the marriage counselling done by churches, its mostly theoretical and full of abstract.


Though I do not understand the fear you have anyway. I think its over-anxiety you are dealing with..

miss iyawo to be can i recommend something to you,like this person has rightly said you are being anxious,i think you will be fine.what i need you to do is hit any jazz club where they play any soft jazz e.g kenny g etc like one in the island,buy a shot or more of cold baylis and drink the night away. Sit down and stare at the waters,forget about everything in this world.act like you dont have any including plans for marriage and before you know it you will be calm and your mind at rest ,take a massage,stroll



i am recommending what i do when i am tensed 8-)

.

@phemi dear, stop working yourself up. Like I said in my first post on this thread, when you get to the bridge, you shall cross it.
Secondly, seek for pre marital counselling, its very important, may be in a church or better still a proffessional one.
Now, get this, marriage is not always a bed of roses, but I can bet it with you that, in marriage, two things are very important:
1. Your mindset, if you have negative mindset concerning marriage, as a man think, so is he, so if you think marriage isn't good, then you may never see anything good in your marriage, so, you need to have positive and bright mindset concerning your marriage.
2. Your seed: in marriage, its what you sow that you are going to reap o. No short cut about it, sow love, respect, interest, etc to your spouse and reap the same. Always treat him the way you will want him to treat you.
Meanwhile, All this my me time, will decrease when you're married, because you won't want your hubby lonely while you are having your "me" time. The same thing goes for kids, you love and adore them when they are dressed up, abi, before yours can also be such adorable, you must have made sacrifices for them. Building marriage and a home requires a lot of sacrifices and compromises.

And remember, the two points above also goes to your inlaws, if you think inlaws are not nice and you carry that mindset into your marriage, you might not see anything good in whatever your inlaws are doing and again, if you don't sow love among your inlaws, you may not reap their love.

In summary..............
Stop working up yourself
Lay a good foundation for your marriage
Go in with good and positive mindset
Have determination that your marriage is going to be successful
Attend pre marital counselling to help you plan and alleviate some of your fears
Make God the pillar of your marriage
Determine to forgive each other in your marriage.

However, if you think you still need more time to sort yourself out before tying the knot, then, do so, to save yourself from future and avoidable regrets.
It is well with you

Phema: Hello everyone. I'm a fan of the family section of this great forum and i'm really hoping to get good advice on here.

I'm a 27year old lady engaged to a 32year old man and should be getting married in some months time. We have been dating since our university days and finally decided to tie the knot and now i'm more worried than excited! For some reasons, i just think marriage is difficult! I look at my life now and i wonder how i will cope in marriage. I live alone, and have lived alone for quite sometime. I take care of only myself which can even be difficult sometimes, how much more a family? I've no clue about children. I've never been around them for long. I love them when they are all dressed up and looking cute, but when they start being "kids", i lose my patience. I see women juggling career, children, home. . . and i ask myself "can i do this? Do i have what it takes? Am i that strong?".

I'm neither very patient nor tolerant, as every little thing gets me worked up. I'm working on that though, but i'm not there yet. Furthermore, i LOVE my privacy a little too much! I love my "me' time and i thoroughly enjoy it. I doubt if i can do without it. I know i will have little or none of that in marriage and i feel i might just get frustrated one day. . . I had a talk with my fiance concerning my fears and he said i'm just being my usual pessimistic self. That i see the worst in everything and he feels i will do great.

Please married women in the house especially those who have been in my shoes, i will appreciate your contribution. . .is it so difficult? Did u have doubts before getting married? If yes, how did you overcome them? Is there a supernatural power, wisdom and strength that comes with being a wife and a mother? Will i do just fine? There is nothing i would love more than to be the best wife and mum anyone would ask for. . . Please how can i achieve that?

NB. . .No front page please!

What you are feeling is completely normal . . .

I used to be in your shoes once. Got a job right out of school and became independent at a very early age. Lived on my own for years before I got married. I used to wonder how I would cope sharing my personal space 24/7 with someone else cos I loved my privacy!

Also, as the last born, I knew absolutely nothing about kids or how to 'baby' them. The first day-old baby I ever held was mine and I still remember the pure terror I felt, like I was going to squeeze too hard and break her! I also learnt how to bathe and dress a new born on my own with my own baby cos I had never done it before.

I'm not going to lie and tell you that it was all easy and rosy . . . cos it wasn't. Sometimes, even now, I still find myself wishing for those single days when I get to live my life for myself alone . . . but one thing I can tell you is that it is totally worth it!

You just have to be patient, willing to adjust (a loooooooooot!) and be really ready to settle down. Cos if you are not really ready, it's all going to be like a huge-big burden on your shoulders!

Every other thing will fall in place . . trust me!

G

Phema:

Oh Lord! You really do get me Uju. I'm also the last born and the only girl in a supposed large family. So, I've never had any cause to take care of anyone. I've just been too independent that having my own family seems. . . But now, I'm willing to learn and make it work. I know it won't be all rosy though.

Awww . . . It's well dear. Everything will turn out fine, you'll see!

Thanks everyone for your wonderful advice and encouragement. I feel much better already.

Couldn't read all But all I read is good advice. I like kulyie's sincerity more.

I see a part of me in Op. I am very me-ish and always have these thoughts of how it is going to work out. Not being married is definitely out of it.

So to be optimistic, take the leap and be ready to work on it.

You have started on the right note.
Unlike those who go in 'fantasizing' about this and that!
You concerns are very legitimate.
Unfortunately, THEY WILL ONLY BE COMPOUNDED WITH MARRIAGE!

You are aware of your limitations!
NOW, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM!

Even me sef that has not picked wedding date, the mere mention of it is a problem.
I just can't imagine it, madam CC, can I like talk to you, privately maybe...

.

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Phema:

You too? See me thinking I was weird. . .

You're not alone, I must be sincere!
But I guess you just have to pull it together and just like every other thing in life, take the risk!
May God help you.

Funny thread.

chaircover:

LOL, you ladies should calm yourselves. Please dont worry. What you are feeling is normal. It's even good, because it shows that you take the marriage institution very seriously, you want the best for you and your husbands & you def want it to work.

Do your homework, choose the right man, have the right mindset and you will be fine

aluta sure babes! send me a PM

SENT!

@OP,

Are you absolutely sure your fiancé is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Do you know without a doubt that he is committed to you and any children you may have?
Is he a mature man who has shown you he understands marriage & has communicated - to & with you - a vision for your future together?

If you answer yes to all of the above, it's just per- wedding nerves.
If not, you might want to revisit those things and maybe consider a further postponement, until such time...

@Kuylie, applause.

@All, there seems to be a trend to suggest per-marital counselling. That hasn't been a feature of the family board previously. At least not with the groundswell l currently see. I'm not knocking it, but would appreciate if someone could detail what it is about pmc that makes such a difference? What does it or is it designed to accomplish?

TV

TV did you or did not go for marriage counselling before you tie the knot with Mama JR??

Be objective for once please.

Phema: Hello everyone. I'm a fan of the family section of this great forum and i'm really hoping to get good advice on here.

I'm a 27year old lady engaged to a 32year old man and should be getting married in some months time. We have been dating since our university days and finally decided to tie the knot and now i'm more worried than excited! For some reasons, i just think marriage is difficult! I look at my life now and i wonder how i will cope in marriage. I live alone, and have lived alone for quite sometime. I take care of only myself which can even be difficult sometimes, how much more a family? I've no clue about children. I've never been around them for long. I love them when they are all dressed up and looking cute, but when they start being "kids", i lose my patience. I see women juggling career, children, home. . . and i ask myself "can i do this? Do i have what it takes? Am i that strong?".

I'm neither very patient nor tolerant, as every little thing gets me worked up. I'm working on that though, but i'm not there yet. Furthermore, i LOVE my privacy a little too much! I love my "me' time and i thoroughly enjoy it. I doubt if i can do without it. I know i will have little or none of that in marriage and i feel i might just get frustrated one day. . . I had a talk with my fiance concerning my fears and he said i'm just being my usual pessimistic self. That i see the worst in everything and he feels i will do great.

Please married women in the house especially those who have been in my shoes, i will appreciate your contribution. . .is it so difficult? Did u have doubts before getting married? If yes, how did you overcome them? Is there a supernatural power, wisdom and strength that comes with being a wife and a mother? Will i do just fine? There is nothing i would love more than to be the best wife and mum anyone would ask for. . . Please how can i achieve that?

NB. . .No front page please!

Your feelings are very normal,if you were going into it all confident without a scintilla of fear,I would be surprised
It is scary to leave what you know to step into the unknown no matter how much you dated the man
Dating and marriage are very different.
You value the marriage institution and want yours to work that is why you feel the way you do

I am married
I was scared and excited at the wedding,I wept bitterly when my little sister and I parted ways and I was off to start life as a married woman even though I love my husband immensely
It was a mixed feeling not knowing what to really expect
The thought of inlaws and outlaws and the stories I had heard made me nervous

I was scared to my bones at pregnancy
The stories I heard about delivery terrified me the more
I called the emergency hotline when the baby wouldn't stop hiccuping
When the baby cried uncontrollably I felt like running away and never looking back

I said all this to tell you that every step of your new life will have some moments of fear and trepidation ,you are human, but it will pass
If you are certain this man loves you and you love him dearly and you know without a shadow f a doubt that he will stand by you and give his life for you,that should give you comfort.
I can assure you,your husband to be is feeling nervous too at this major step
Tell a trusted friend or your mom and you will hear them tell you of their own experiences

When we passed JAMB and got our choice course,weren't we all excited?
is there anyone that can claim that they didn't have some fear taking that step into the Freshman year
Itis normal
But we adjusted quickly once you get there

I wish you the best in the marriage
Love conquers all