I am married to a woman i dated for more than a decade. She is lovely and homely too. But she has this issue with anger management. When she's not angry, we share love, play like children and above all, enjoy peaceful home. But once she's angry, the whole house is thrown into chaos. And funny enough, what makes her angry are usually trivial things that should not matter. To be more specific, any time we disagree on any subject or differ in our opinions as per household issues, she would become embittered and would refuse to do the normal things that she used to do, including preparing food for the house, having sex, partaking in the early morning devotions and other domestic chores, except she's apologized to. Last time we had a misunderstanding, she refused to prepare my office lunch which she had always made for me before i leave for work each day. Some times when i refuse to apologize to her, perhaps because i wasn't wrong in my stance in the particular issue, she would become moody, refusing to talk to me for up to one week. The problem is, i can't let her have her way always. As the head of the family, i am bound to take decisions that will be in the best interest of all, disregarding all forms of emotional sentiments which always happen to be her own angle of judgment. This situation is tearing my home apart and i don't know how to approach it. Please, Nairalanders, i will appreciate your wise counsels and mature suggestions. I have known she's like that way back our dating days, but i love her so much and hoped she would outgrow it with time. Besides, in her happy mood, you only can imagine how sparkling and fun she can be. Bless you all.

Have you ever taken her for a professional counseling and help on anger management?

She needs help o on anger management

Silent treatment expert. Na omomo and doll baby you carry put for house. Na so silenters do. Very childish and petty. Sorry. Change has to come from her with you making her understand that such an attitude does not help anyome

If you are at fault, apologize...don't dwell on head of house bull crap.

If she is on the wrong, you have to make her accept her wrong doing and apologize too.
Why would she get moody when she's done something wrong.

She is being manipulative, simple. Its more than anger. She don't get her way, she will resort to anger and d likes to get ur attention.
For once get real mad at her and mean it!
U can prepare ur food and take to work. Do ur things urself and watch her with hawk's eye. No sex too!
I tell u she will be very confused.
She will stylishly turn around. The moment she become responsive, then u can sit her down and talk the talk.
What I mean by d talk is saying no to her manipulative tendencies, her childhood,her r/sip with her pple especially parents, her regrets and all.
U know ur wife, I wish u luck.

Sounds like the op hits the bottle a bit too frequently.

Didnt know human beings are also described as "sparkling", was he thinking of wine when s/he wrote this piece?

@OP those things that are trivial to you are important to her,stop seeing issues that are important to your wife as trivial..You have to settle down and stop imposing your decisions on her, she is not a robot but an intelligent being. On a final note be a father,friend and Brother to your wife,seek the solution to this problems with her and stop relating your family issues with people who have no idea of what you guys are going through but will only make conclusion from what you have told them without hearing from your wife and will definitely be on your side because you are their pal.

yellowpawpaw:
For once get real mad at her and mean it!
U can prepare ur food and take to work. Do ur things urself and watch her with hawk's eye. No sex too!
I tell u she will be very confused.
She will stylishly turn around. The moment she become responsive, then u can sit her down and talk the talk.
What I mean by d talk is saying no to her manipulative tendencies, her childhood,her r/sip with her pple especially parents, her regrets and all.
U know ur wife, I wish u luck.

I love your response but let me improve on it. OP, you need to teach your wife a lesson. Some people only respond to action not words or pleading and it seems your wife belongs to that category.

It seems you don't have children yet so even better. Next time she starts her tantrums, you to start yours. Withdraw every privilege you give to her as wife. Don't give her anything- no pocket money, no phone recharge. if u drive her to work, don't drive her again, don't ask her for food or sex, you too should stop performing your obligations to her and it's easier of no kids involved. Let her realise you sef get crase for head. Trust me she will never try it again!

Her behaviour is very manipulative and she is trying to control you so you need to put it in check before she gets used to it.

I agree with yellowpawpaw and Nashville but playing fire for fire does not mean she won't try it again. She might just device another subtle way of giving you the silent treatment.

After she turns around, y'all need to talk on how her attitude is very destructive. Let her know you are thinking of taking her to see a psychologist to work on her anger management. Let her realize this is no child's play, you mean business.

@OP
I'm happy you enumerated a lot of great things about her and listed only one attribute you don't like. Well, there's no perfect person on earth, including you. The only reason it is breaking your home is because you've chosen to focus on it. Simple.

I don't subscribe to trying to 'change' people. The only advice I have for you is to devise a plan to live with it. Trying to 'manipulate' her as well may work short -term but that's only temporary and may have devastating consequences long-term.

Let me share an idea. I call it 'Stoop to conquer'. When the next issue comes, listen and agree with her position. Tell her, this is my position but I want us to follow your leading on this one. When results come in, if bad, don't blame her for them o, just try to resolve and show her you are in this together. After a while, you'll be surprised that she'll prefer to have you make the decisions. Peradventure, her leading was the right one after all, be sure to praise her for it and say stuff like 'I'm glad I married a wise woman'. See... either way, you can't go wrong.

The underlying issue may just be that she finds it difficult to let go completely, and it may take some sacrifices for you to earn that trust.

My 2 cents.

Nashvile and pawpaw's advice allllllllllll the waaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trust me, she'll come around! Let her feel her silence doesn't bother you (Pawpaw's advice) and try paying her back in her own coin (Nashville's advice). I'm guessing you've talked to her about this, if not, that should be the first step!

If this approach doesn't work, then you've got a 'GRADE-A STUBBORN WOMAN IN YOUR HOME'. sorry but you'll have to deal with it.

How do you handle it? How about by changing the bolded?..

Scramble: As the head of the family, i am bound to take decisions that will be in the best interest of all, disregarding all forms of emotional sentiments which always happen to be her own angle of judgment.

Yes, the extremes she goes are silly and childish, but no one wants to feel they are only useful for cooking, preparing and packing lunch and domestic chores while having no voice whatsoever. So no surprise she's pushing back against that.

If her ideas are truly completely ridiculous, you should find a better way to let her reason along with you instead of dismissing everything she has to say simply because you are the head. Especially since your hand is broken and you can't pack your own lunch yourself..

YPP's advice is on point, as a female there is nothing that annoys me more than being ignored. If she notices that you don't care abt all her drama she'll adjust, when she is tired of all the silent treatment. My problem with nashville's advice is that she'll know that all her drama is getting to him and in some instances it can make the situation worse.

deeptesting: @OP those things that are trivial to you are important to her,stop seeing issues that are important to your wife as trivial..You have to settle down and stop imposing your decisions on her, she is not a robot but an intelligent being. On a final note be a father,friend and Brother to your wife,seek the solution to this problems with her and stop relating your family issues with people who have no idea of what you guys are going through but will only make conclusion from what you have told them without hearing from your wife and will definitely be on your side because you are their pal.

Dear, let me tell u one of the biggest mistakes pple make in relationship.
Swapping roles.
U can never and will never be what u r not in a r/ship. A husband can only be a husband and a friend but not daddy or brother. So also a wife. That is the hard and real truth.
I don't hv a dad and my hubby can and will never fill that gap. He is only a daddy to our children.
Bc pple expect such in a r/ship and if it rnt coming one tend to be dissappointed.


Poster, on a second thought, how come u r complaining now? A decade of dating is more than enof to show u ur wife's xter abi did it just spring up?

ileobatojo: How do you handle it? How about by changing the bolded?..



Yes, the extremes she goes are silly and childish, but no one wants to feel they are only useful for cooking, preparing and packing lunch and domestic chores while having no voice whatsoever. So no surprise she's pushing back against that.

If her ideas are truly completely ridiculous, you should find a better way to let her reason along with you instead of dismissing everything she has to say simply because you are the head. Especially since your hand is broken and you can't pack your own lunch yourself..

If his wife always argues based on emotions especially when making critical financial or economical decision that affects the family, I think the most reasonable thing to do is dismiss it.

The problem is, i can't let her have her way always.

You must have missed this sentence.
To be honest, what grown woman enters into a logical argument with someone and when she couldn't change the mind of that person decides to keep malice?? If I was her husband, this only just proves to me that her opinions are not logical but simply childish and sentimental. Next time, let her arm herself with all the necessary information needed to win an argument instead of pouting like a kid when she doesn't have her way.
Btw Ile, she knew before she entered the marriage that her husband is big on gender roles, why the sudden protest? The op appears to me as a man that loves his woman, I doubt he simply dismisses her opinion just because he is the head of the household.

Wu Zetian:
If his wife always argues based on emotions especially when making critical financial or economical decision that affects the family, I think the most reasonable thing to do is dismiss it.


You must have missed this sentence.
To be honest, what grown woman enters into a logical argument with someone and when she couldn't change the mind of that person decides to keep malice?? If I was her husband, this only just proves to me that her opinions are not logical but simply childish and sentimental. Next time, let her arm herself with all the necessary information needed to win an argument instead of pouting like a kid when she doesn't have her way.
Btw Ile, she knew before she entered the marriage that her husband is big on gender roles, why the sudden protest?

The op appears to me as a man that loves his woman, I doubt he simply dismisses her opinion just because he is the head of the household.

@ 1st bolded. Believe me, as someone who has next to zero patience for illogical ramblings, I get it. The only difference is that if someone decides to get mad at me for my rudely dismissive behavior, I won't go around whining like the OP. Since he doesn't like the reaction his action is getting, then he should make an adjustment, that's all I'm saying. I didn't say he needs to do what she says when it doesn't make sense. I said he needs to find a way to bring her around to his own side, at the very least not make her feel stupid.

@ 2nd bolded. Au contraire, his wife is not suddenly protesting, she has always been this way since courtship. It's the guy that's now suddenly protesting. Also he has always known his wife to be emotional and illogical and to keep malice when she is angry. Why is he suddenly protesting? If he knew he was a traditional husband, why marry someone with well known traits that don't align with that?

@ 3rd bolded. Possible. But he might simply need to soften his approach.

baby_123: Silent treatment expert. Na omomo and doll baby you carry put for house. Na so silenters do. Very childish and petty. Sorry. Change has to come from her with you making her understand that such an attitude does not help anyome

This woman no go kill me
Change from her kę? He will wait till kingdom come hoho!

OP
In as much as I believe it's not always black and white like you painted your story but at thesame time you sound credible and trying your best to please her.

I'll go with Nashville and YPP 's advice, she should grow up already. Start packing your own lunch, you know all YPP's 411.. Nobody's indispensable Abeg.

If the gender tables of this story were turned I know for sure this thread would be on 50th page already.

Good luck .

yellowpawpaw:
Dear, let me tell u one of the biggest mistakes pple make in relationship.
Swapping roles.
U can never and will never be what u r not in a r/ship. A husband can only be a husband and a friend but not daddy or brother. So also a wife. That is the hard and real truth.
I don't hv a dad and my hubby can and will never fill that gap. He is only a daddy to our children.
Bc pple expect such in a r/ship and if it rnt coming one tend to be dissappointed.


Poster, on a second thought, how come u r complaining now? A decade of dating is more than enof to show u ur wife's xter abi did it just spring up?

My Dear I have had the worst marital relationship anyone can imagine, for six years it was just not working....I used every available idea to establish my authority but it all failed. I am not suggesting that roles be swapped,please I don't expect the guy to start playing her role but you must understand that people differ because of our different upbringing.. Basically, its always lack of respect for each other that contributes to marital crises.. To be the head of the family means you are the leader and not a dictator, a leader leads by example, goes the extra mile to ensure that his followers are doing fine, his joy is in the service he renders to his followers.. I still maintain that the OP should should stop seeing matters that are important to his wife as trivial and try to see matters from her view point, you will never win your wife over by trying to exercise your power over her it will only lead to more crises and a loveless relationship.

from my understanding of the op,i dont think the issue is his disregard of his wife"s opinions,His issue is with the way his wife responds to misunderstandings they have at home.Every couple differs on issues from time to time but its not fun when one half starts sulking non stop just because things didnt go their way this time.
I have a partner who does this too and it can be really frustrating.I like to resolve issues and move ahead quickly but my sweet darling can keep malice for Africa(and this he has agreed stems from his upbringing where his parents kept malice with each other REGULARLY for months at a go).I most certainly cant go beyond 2hrs so entering into a competition with him like some people here are suggesting would certainly produce one winner.Him.
What i do is still relate with him calmly like im not aware he"s sulking(minimal talk though),then i find a time when hes a bit settled and start "Darling what im trying to make you understand is -------,and we take it from there.Its not an instant transformation,but instead of our initial 3,4 days of silent treatment in the house,its now down to just a couple of hours of his sulking.

And of course,i pray about it behind the scene.
Try not to adopt this i can sulk too approach.Your kids are watching,if not now,tomorrow.

Scramble: I am married to a woman i dated for more than a decade. She is lovely and homely too. But she has this issue with anger management. When she's not angry, we share love, play like children and above all, enjoy peaceful home. But once she's angry, the whole house is thrown into chaos. And funny enough, what makes her angry are usually trivial things that should not matter. To be more specific, any time we disagree on any subject or differ in our opinions as per household issues, she would become embittered and would refuse to do the normal things that she used to do, including preparing food for the house, having sex, partaking in the early morning devotions and other domestic chores, except she's apologized to. Last time we had a misunderstanding, she refused to prepare my office lunch which she had always made for me before i leave for work each day. Some times when i refuse to apologize to her, perhaps because i wasn't wrong in my stance in the particular issue, she would become moody, refusing to talk to me for up to one week. The problem is, i can't let her have her way always. As the head of the family, i am bound to take decisions that will be in the best interest of all, disregarding all forms of emotional sentiments which always happen to be her own angle of judgment. This situation is tearing my home apart and i don't know how to approach it. Please, Nairalanders, i will appreciate your wise counsels and mature suggestions. I have known she's like that way back our dating days, but i love her so much and hoped she would outgrow it with time. Besides, in her happy mood, you only can imagine how sparkling and fun she can be. Bless you all.

Well, I will state here from your statement that your family is a happy one and you love your wife and I thank God for that.
Let me state here that if you are a christian, you must realize that devil does not love a happy home where there is peace, hence he will sow a seed of discomfort to disorganize the home.
Anger is a demonic spirit and need to be handled spiritually in order to get her out of the mess. It is not her fault because she does that against her wish.
She needs deliverance. Find a true men of God, Like Liberation Ministry- Dr Chris Okafor, Prophet TB.Joshua or any true men of God you trust and know. Even if you go for counselling, it will still come back because there is a demon behind anger.
God will help you to sort this issue out.

^^^ Oga, it doesn't take deliverance to cure anger. It takes the fruit of the spirit if you want to turn it to spiritual problem. She only need to allow the Holy spirit to work on her by being transformed in renewing her mind and expressing the fruit of the spirit. It is not every matter you run to pastors, they are humans with personal struggles too. At least give them breathing space to attend to their families too.

^^ Thank you jare. From frying pan to fire solution, Deliverance/ True man of Gawd ekwa?

andyanders:

Well, I will state here from your statement that your family is a happy one and you love your wife and I thank God for that.
Let me state here that if you are a christian, you must realize that devil does not love a happy home where there is peace, hence he will sow a seed of discomfort to disorganize the home.
Anger is a demonic spirit and need to be handled spiritually in order to get her out of the mess. It is not her fault because she does that against her wish.
She needs deliverance. Find a true men of God, Like Liberation Ministry- Dr Chris Okafor, Prophet TB.Joshua or any true men of God you trust and know. Even if you go for counselling, it will still come back because there is a demon behind anger.
God will help you to sort this issue out.

Spirit of anger, I cast and bind u, die by firrrrreeeeee!!!!!!!
And it will go without tracing the root of such anger
I used to believe these craps before.

Great people of nairaland, i thank u all 4 ur contributions. I hav been educated with ur counsels. I wil apply all u hv said here in good wisdom, hoping that God will direct my footsteps.

ty osho: from my understanding of the op,i dont think the issue is his disregard of his wife"s opinions,His issue is with the way his wife responds to misunderstandings they have at home.Every couple differs on issues from time to time but its not fun when one half starts sulking non stop just because things didnt go their way this time.
I have a partner who does this too and it can be really frustrating.I like to resolve issues and move ahead quickly but my sweet darling can keep malice for Africa(and this he has agreed stems from his upbringing where his parents kept malice with each other REGULARLY for months at a go).I most certainly cant go beyond 2hrs so entering into a competition with him like some people here are suggesting would certainly produce one winner.Him.
What i do is still relate with him calmly like im not aware he"s sulking(minimal talk though),then i find a time when hes a bit settled and start "Darling what im trying to make you understand is -------,and we take it from there.Its not an instant transformation,but instead of our initial 3,4 days of silent treatment in the house,its now down to just a couple of hours of his sulking.

And of course,i pray about it behind the scene.
Try not to adopt this i can sulk too approach.Your kids are watching,if not now,tomorrow.

I agree with you. Fighting fire for fire with people like this. They can keep malice till kingdom come. One person has to be an adult. And the other make a conscious effort to change if she wants peace in her home. If she doesn't realize the damage this is causing then too bad. Anyway, we can never tell which method will work. Force may backfire and reason work or vice versa

ty osho: from my understanding of the op,i dont think the issue is his disregard of his wife"s opinions,His issue is with the way his wife responds to misunderstandings they have at home.Every couple differs on issues from time to time but its not fun when one half starts sulking non stop just because things didnt go their way this time.
I have a partner who does this too and it can be really frustrating.I like to resolve issues and move ahead quickly but my sweet darling can keep malice for Africa(and this he has agreed stems from his upbringing where his parents kept malice with each other REGULARLY for months at a go).I most certainly cant go beyond 2hrs so entering into a competition with him like some people here are suggesting would certainly produce one winner.Him.
What i do is still relate with him calmly like im not aware he"s sulking(minimal talk though),then i find a time when hes a bit settled and start "Darling what im trying to make you understand is -------,and we take it from there.Its not an instant transformation,but instead of our initial 3,4 days of silent treatment in the house,its now down to just a couple of hours of his sulking.

And of course,i pray about it behind the scene.
Try not to adopt this i can sulk too approach.Your kids are watching,if not now,tomorrow.

Double ppst

andyanders:

Well, I will state here from your statement that your family is a happy one and you love your wife and I thank God for that.
Let me state here that if you are a christian, you must realize that devil does not love a happy home where there is peace, hence he will sow a seed of discomfort to disorganize the home.
Anger is a demonic spirit and need to be handled spiritually in order to get her out of the mess. It is not her fault because she does that against her wish.
She needs deliverance. Find a true men of God, Like Liberation Ministry- Dr Chris Okafor, Prophet TB.Joshua or any true men of God you trust and know. Even if you go for counselling, it will still come back because there is a demon behind anger.
God will help you to sort this issue out.

I bind the demon of redundant thinking and reasoning in you!


@ OP,

I have things to say, but I will leave you be with what some sensible people have said thus far. Dealing with anger in a relationship is about effective communication. Sometimes communication is not when you open your mouth to talk but you rather take action to show the right way to your spouse.

All the best.