Are there times you just read through the newspapers and you find yourself wondering how much a sawn off shotgun is so you can blow your head off for stupidly shelling out money for such a newspaper? Well, I have on several occasions (asides the whole shotgun and blowing head off part, of course) when I buy papers and wonder if whoever came up with the publication was high on dusting powder or dried egusi. These are the top five annoying things I’ve spotted in some Nigerian newspapers/magazines.

Annoyingly Obvious Headlines: I’m sure you’ve seen something like this:

[center]WICKED!!! Man pours hot water on son for singing “Olodo rabata, oju eja lo ma je” at him!!![/center]

Now here’s the thing; how much better did the “wicked” (and the attending and completely unnecessary three exclamation marks following it) make the news headline? Annoyingly, most newspapers (*cough* the sun *cough*) don’t tuck this somewhere within their pages where they don’t offend our sight and make us wish to commit physical bodily harm on some hapless journalist somewhere but spread it across the front page, dwarfing what eventually passes as news that is actually worth reading, like 2face receiving a new gold plated condom for Christmas. We would like to point out here that if we needed telling what passes for “WICKED!!!”, “CRUEL!!!” or “HEARTLESS!!!”, we would buy school uniforms and return to primary school.


Repeated repetition: I’ve learnt one amazing skill from reading one particular Nigerian newspaper’s crime section (no prizes for guessing which particular newspaper) and that skill is how to write a crime report! Think I’m lying? Check this out:

“Residents of Ajao Agidingbi area of Lagos state can now sleep with both eyes closed as a gang of daredevil armed robbers that have repeatedly terrorised the area are now cooling their heels at state CID, Panti. The robbers who were apprehended after a long shootout with the policemen have been known to have terrorised the area over the past few months”

If you are familiar with said newspaper, you will know by now that the “residents” can always now “sleep with both eyes closed” (would have been ridiculous to have seen how they used to sleep before) after said “daredevil armed robbers” would be “cooling their heels” after having “terrorised” said area before being “apprehended” by the police after a “long shootout”.

Now here’s something all of us know but somebody at the newspapers doesn’t: words are free! Yes, they are! You don’t have to pay to use another word! Wow, the surprise on your face tells us you have been using the very same words for your news reports only because you thought the International Word Usage Board (if there was such a thing) would charge you for extra words if you changed your description once in a while and not because your vocabulary is actually very limited for someone working in media! So please, once in a while, be creative and spare us the “daredevil” and “cooling heels” story, because if we see it one more time, someone is getting shot.

Blockheads.



Naija sports papers read Goal.com……like the rest of us: When you buy sports newspapers, you expect to read news of what has been going on lately in the world of sports that you haven’t read elsewhere before…..not what you read on goal.com the previous night! I mean, okay, sure, not everybody has internet access and so not everybody gets to read goal.com but it’s bad enough that one particular Nigerian sports daily with an unhealthy attachment to Mikel Obi and ridiculous front page headlines barely even edit the stale news before they just dish it out the following day for guys to argue over/fight over/break each other’s head over. One day, I won’t be surprised to find out that they even lifted part of the comments section, including all those ads promising you that you would learn how to make twelve billion dollars in fifteen minutes if you buy an ebook from one man in Okokomaiko for N2000 (#dealofthecentury).


Really bad photoshop work: Have you ever read that story one of those naija sports magazines, you know, transfer news about a player signing for another club, like Joseph Yobo signing for Barcelona…..only to discover….Yobo has the hands of a white man. Oh my goodness! Has all those years spent in Europe started turning Yobo into a white man, like some kind of Michael Jackson (no offense to the dead king of pop)?
No, ladies and gentlemen. Give all credit to the dolt who didn’t notice that he photoshopped a black man’s head onto a white man’s body and expects everyone not to notice.

It is bad enough that most times, said news turns out to be quite false (it is all speculation, you see, so when goal.com posts “Barcelona sign Joseph Yobo” (if I hear!), they just copy it and run with it without reading the actual report and not realizing that Goal.com always add “OFFICIAL” before any deals that have been confirmed.). The fact that they can’t keep consistency enough to give a photoshopped black man a black body just tells you that somebody goes to work under the influence of paraga every day. We would like to think that if Joseph Yobo suddenly started going white, it would be on the front pages of the Science Inquirer and not Complete Sports.



Really, really irrelevant information in really, really huge font: Have you ever come across something like this while scanning through newspapers:

[center]“MY MAN MUST BE ABLE TO GO FIVE ROUNDS – TONTOH DIKE”[/center]

(disclaimer: she said no such thing – though if she did, we would have absolutely no reason to disbelieve her). I mean what the…..who’s friggin’ business is it if you want your man to be el fucker royale with more power than all the wild horses of Denmark? And even more annoyingly, really important information, like “ASUU lecturers buy solid padlocks for their offices because they’re planning to remain shut for a very, very long time” remain lost somewhere in tiny print and we never get to read them. If our actresses are looking for mighty men in battle in bed, they know where exactly they can find them – in the comments section of goal.com.

http://zakuraweekly.com/five-annoying-things-i-spot-in-nigerian-newspapersmagazines/

So the first issue of Zakura Weekly, Naija's craziest mag as edited by yours truly will be making its debut on Sunday. Y'all can subscribe to get it free when it drops. It is in soft format though, so if you'll need a pdf reader on your laptop/mobile phone to read it. To subscribe, just head on down to http://zakuraweekly.com/subscribe-to-zakura-weekly/ . Cheers!

Pm news is even worse (no offence), Sensationalism/ yellow journalism at its peak.



No vex jare, they won't do it again.
Good one as usual, kudos still.

To preserve my sanity, i just glance at the headlines. I may read just the first paragraph. The print media nowadays seem to be run by a bunch of retardeens

Who reads newspapers when there is Nairaland?

hehehe. sebon again?

after wasting money to buy a newspaper, you regret not buying bolí and fish with that money. You would have been more satisfied

Other times you might see a username, and it's very annoying when you don't know the meaning. Like op's username

Back to topic, In every sun newspaper, you must see at least two articles on violent/disgusting crimes. One on front page, the other after fashion court and before pictures of serena williams.

Vanguard newspapers must publish at least 5 pages of houses for sale

Punch newspapers can dedicate at least 12 pages to a politicians birthday or deathday

Thisday newspapers are seriously thinking about switching over to fashion magazines

Vivly: Other times you might see a username, and it's very annoying when you don't know the meaning. Like op's username

Leopantro: after wasting money to buy a newspaper, you regret not buying bolí and fish with that money. You would have been more satisfied

lolz, abi?!!

lolzzzz....brilliant...i dnt regret followin dis guy

Babiloko: lolzzzz....brilliant...i dnt regret followin dis guy

oh thank you!

quite unfortunate that Nairaland does not have a smiling, blushing smiley!

Ever wonder,sm newspaper coming to Nairaland for News update? Check Punch news paper.

Complete Sport worst with that thr copy and paste thng! B4 i dnt believe not until i saw a typographicaly error like ths. . .
Yesterday,Moyes was very pleased with His boiz after they are being trashed by West Brom with one goal to nil. . .
Shey na west brom or liverpool

Leopantro: after wasting money to buying a newspaper, you regret not buying bolí and fish with that money. You would have been more satisfied

(head line)
FASHOLA APOLOGISES TO IGB0S
(buys newspaper and read instead of buy boli and groundnut)
FASHOLA INSULTED THE IGBOS

The sports newspapers and their lifting off goal.com is the most annoying