I have wondered for a while about those that always argue that marriage is important because of the benefits to the child whether the fact that an increasing number of marriages are failing do not have a more negative effect on the child.

So my questions goes as follows:

Would a child prefer to have a father that she has always known is in the outer boundaries of her life and she sees and spends time with him every other week?

Or would a child prefer a father that was part of her life for, lets say, the first 5 to 12 years of life and now has moved out and she sees and spends time with the him every other week?

Which of the 2 inferior options provides more marginal joy and less hurt to the child?

[size=4pt]Feel free to substitute he for "she", and him/his for "her".

I only used a female child because I did not want to confuse my nouns with the masculine one for a Dad.[/size]

Food for thought.

I can't tell because I am one of those children who have always had a father at home. And I still believe that it is paradise like to have a mother and a father under one roof who love each other. This is the healthiest environment for a child.

However, I have seen children whose parents go through divorce when they are 10 +. Most of these children are negatively affected which is shown in their school performance. Being once good students, they change for the worse, at least for some period in time. So maybe growing up with your parents seperated right from the beginning, could be better than having to go through the trauma of divorce and your father moving out.

Depends. A r3tardeed baby daddy is neither > nor < a divorced cretiin.

Baby daddy for me.

ifyalways: Depends. A r3tardeed baby daddy is neither > nor < a divorced cretiin.

Baby daddy for me.

Why baby daddy?

carefreewannabe: Food for thought.

I can't tell because I am one of those children who have always had a father at home. And I still believe that it is paradise like to have a mother and a father under one roof who love each other. This is the healthiest environment for a child.

However, I have seen children whose parents go through divorce when they are 10 +. Most of these children are negatively affected which is shown in their school performance. Being once good students, they change for the worse, at least for some period in time. So maybe growing up with your parents seperated right from the beginning, could be better than having to go through the trauma of divorce and your father moving out.

If a guy you are madly in love with but you know is not good for you proposes a baby father model instead of you both getting excited and tying a knot that would inevitably turn loose, would you consider it?

Sagamite:

If a guy you are madly in love with but you know is not good for you proposes a baby father model instead of you both getting excited and tying a knot that would inevitably turn loose, would you consider it?

Sorry Saga but I don't really understand the question. Before I misinterpret it, can you please explain what you mean?

carefreewannabe:

Sorry Saga but I don't really understand the question. Before I misinterpret it, can you please explain what you mean?

Would you compromise your wish for marriage and have a baby for a guy who you madly love?

I would. I am not that much into that marriage thing anyway. It would be nice if someone decided to make this vow to me and I would feel the same but I don't think that you have to be married to have a happy home. I just wish for my future children that they will have parents who love each other dearly but if that doesn't work out, well, then it would also do to have a very responsible father for them and I would try my best for us to be good friends and the best parents we can.

Sagamite:

Would you compromise your wish for marriage and have a baby for a guy who you madly love?

Never. I'm not a baby-making machine.

Merkki:

Never. I'm not a baby-making machine.

I don't understand how the one is related to the other. I want to have children for the sake of the children in the FIRST place. Does it make me a baby machine?

carefreewannabe:

I don't understand how the one is related to the other. I want to have children for the sake of the children in the FIRST place. Does it make me a baby machine?

Of course not. But i don't want to have children for the sake of children. I want to have children with a healthy home as the product of our love. We are different, i suppose.

Sagamite:

Would you compromise your wish for marriage and have a baby for a guy who you madly love?

Yes i would but only IF i want a child badly and perhaps age too is not on my side. I would.

Merkki:
Of course not. But i don't want to have children for the sake of children. I want to have children with a healthy home as the product of our love. We are different, i suppose.

And if you don't find love?

Merkki:
Of course not. But i don't want to have children for the sake of children. I want to have children with a healthy home as the product of our love. We are different, i suppose.

(Almost) Everybody does but reality IS that not all succeed. I would even say that very few succeed in doing so.

Sagamite:

And if you don't find love?

Then i would get a pet and sulk till i grow old.

carefreewannabe:

(Almost) Everybody does but reality IS that not all succeed. I would even say that very few succeed in doing so.

But i would have tried. Better than not trying at all. At least, i would know it wasn't my fault that it didn't work out as i expected.

Merkki:
But i would have tried. Better than not trying at all. At least, i would know it wasn't my fault that it didn't work out as i expected.

Why wouldn't you or anybody try?

I want the same as you but I know that relationships are not easy and the promise to love and respect each other for a lifetime comes true for the very few lucky ones. I am trying too but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. That is not a reason for me to say no to children.

Sagamite:



Why baby daddy?

Why you dey open teeth like a product of a failed . . .

Adaptation and Orientation:In BD situation,the child/ren are already used to the fact that daddy does not live with mommy unlike the rude shock that awaits children whose parents are going through divorce,some of such kids sadly never get to understand why daddy and mommy would suddenly start living apart.Its a trauma they most times don't out grow.

Drama and frustration: It's less in baby daddy situation,IMO especially if both parents from the onset,just wanted to make a child together. No matter how bad a BD situation is,by the time the kid/s are say 6 yrs old maximum,the parents must have relaxed /found a better way to resolve their differences/the "hate or anger" must have died down.

carefreewannabe:

Why wouldn't you or anybody try?

I want the same as you but I know that relationships are not easy and the promise to love and respect each other for a lifetime comes true for the very few lucky ones. I am trying too but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. That is not a reason for me to say no to children.

Some people just want children. They don't care about marriage, love, co-habitation or whatever. Even if they had the option of real marriage, they'd rather choose to have children without marriage than spend the rest of their lives with a man.

I thought that was what you opted for, by your first response. I am optimistic about marriage. If it doesn't work out, fine. I just feel a child would prefer a broken marriage to no-marriage at all.

Merkki:

Some people just want children. They don't care about marriage, love, co-habitation or whatever. Even if they had the option of real marriage, they'd rather choose to have children without marriage than spend the rest of their lives with a man.

I thought that was what you opted for, by your first response. I am optimistic about marriage. If it doesn't work out, fine. I just feel a child would prefer a broken marriage to no-marriage at all.

Very few just want to have children and live without the father. I don't know of such women, never met one. I am not one of them either.

Yet, I don't think that a broken marriage is easier / better for children than no marriage at all. If you grow up with your parents living in different homes, it's normal for you. If your father moves out when you are 10, it's painful and can cause trauma.

I am neither optimistic nor pessimistic. I prefer to be realistic.

Saga...am I eligible to answer??

ifyalways: Why you dey open teeth like a product of a failed . . .

Adaptation and Orientation:In BD situation,the child/ren are already used to the fact that daddy does not live with mommy unlike the rude shock that awaits children whose parents are going through divorce,some of such kids sadly never get to understand why daddy and mommy would suddenly start living apart.

Drama and frustration: It's less in baby daddy situation,IMO especially if both parents from the onset,just wanted to make a child together.

No kill me with laughter o.

That is outrageous. As American women say on Real Housewives of ....[insert choice].... : "Who the hell says that"?

elrony: Saga...am I eligible to answer??

Go un sorn! (Go ahead)

Merkki:

Some people just want children. They don't care about marriage, love, co-habitation or whatever. Even if they had the option of real marriage, they'd rather choose to have children without marriage than spend the rest of their lives with a man.

I thought that was what you opted for, by your first response. I am optimistic about marriage. If it doesn't work out, fine. I just feel a child would prefer a broken marriage to no-marriage at all.

You really think so?

carefreewannabe:

Very few just want to have children and live without the father. I don't know of such women, never met one. I am not one of them either.

Yet, I don't think that a broken marriage is easier / better for children than no marriage at all. If you grow up with your parents living in different homes, it's normal for you. If your father moves out when you are 10, it's painful and can cause trauma.

I am neither optimistic nor pessimistic. I prefer to be realistic.

I understand your point. I know of women who don't want marriage. My aunt has 4 children from 2 men and she doesn't want to settle down. She is 46 now and the children are grown. She turned down marriage proposals. She would tell you she is married to her career. She is beautiful and won beauty peagant when she was younger.

I know of another friend that doesn't want to have anything to do with marriage. She lives in New York with two adopted sons.

To each his own. I wonder what a baby daddy is though. How do you explain there is no mummy? Too many questions from the children.

Merkki:

I understand your point. I know of women who don't want marriage. My aunt has 4 children from 2 men and she doesn't want to settle down. She is 46 now and the children are grown. She turned down marriage proposals. She would tell you she is married to her career. She is beautiful and won beauty peagant when she was younger.

I know of another friend that doesn't want to have anything to do with marriage. She lives in New York with two adopted sons.

To each his own. I wonder what a baby daddy is though. How do you explain there is no mummy? Too many questions from the children.

I think there is a misunderstanding.

What Saga was saying was that there is a mummy and a daddy.

In the first scenario, the kid doesn't remember them being together, grows up with the parents not being a couple.

In the second scenario, the parents divorce when the child is old enough to make the experience consciously.

I don't know your aunt and the other woman but I am quite sure that there was a time that they wished to have someone they would love and who would love them in return. Only bad experience will make you think that living alone is better because ALMOST all women desire companionship and love unless they don't experience the bitter side of it. But that's a different topic.

Sagamite:

You really think so?

Yes i do. Though it depends on when divorce came in. At least, they enjoyed family harmony for a while. With time, they would understand what went wrong and the real issues of life. Reasonable divorce parents would raise them not to make same mistakes they made.

Now compare a child that had no family. He grew up with a father or a mother. No show of love towards the opposite sex in the name of marriage or co-habitation. He could grow up to believe marriage is a sham and unnecessary. He would be denied of family love and unity no matter how little. He would have nothing to learn from. He would see life in a one-sided way and wonder why mum didn't marry daddy. Or why dad never loved mummy enough to marry her. He could even think he was a mistake or a product of over-active pën1s.

carefreewannabe:

I think there is a misunderstanding.

What Saga was saying was that there is a mummy and a daddy.

In the first scenario, the kid doesn't remember them being together, grows up with the parents not being a couple.

In the second scenario, the parents divorce when the child is old enough to make the experience consciously.

Ok...i think i understand better now.

Merkki:

Yes i do. Though it depends on when divorce came in. At least, they enjoyed family harmony for a while. With time, they would understand what went wrong and the real issues of life. Reasonable divorce parents would raise them not to make same mistakes they made.

Now compare a child that had no family. He grew up with a father or a mother. No show of love towards the opposite sex in the name of marriage or co-habitation. He could grow up to believe marriage is a sham and unnecessary. He would be denied of family love and unity no matter how little. He would have nothing to learn from. He would see life in a one-sided way and wonder why mum didn't marry daddy. Or why dad never loved mummy enough to marry her. He could even think he was a mistake or a product of over-active pën1s.

Having a baby daddy doesn't mean the child grows up without a father.

You say that responsible parents raise children not to make the same mistakes again. However, statistics show that children from divorced parents are more likely to divorce too. It's not because their parents didn't bring them up well. It's because they grow up with it and for them it's not such a big deal, their parents did it and survived and are possibly happier than some married couples.

Merkki:

Ok...i think i understand better now.

carefreewannabe:

Having a baby daddy doesn't mean the child grows up without a father.

You say that responsible parents raise children not to make the same mistakes again. However, statistics show that children from divorced parents are more likely to divorce too. It's not because their parents didn't bring them up well. It's because they grow up with it and for them it's not such a big deal, their parents did it and survived and are possibly happier than some married couples.

Do statistics also show that baby daddies raise better children?

Merkki:
I understand your point. I know of women who don't want marriage. My aunt has 4 children from 2 men and she doesn't want to settle down. She is 46 now and the children are grown. She turned down marriage proposals. She would tell you she is married to her career. She is beautiful and won beauty peagant when she was younger.

I know of another friend that doesn't want to have anything to do with marriage. She lives in New York with two adopted sons.

To each his own. I wonder what a baby daddy is though. How do you explain there is no mummy? Too many questions from the children.

Let me tell you what I think.

- Your aunty is lying to you just to save face.

- Your friend more convincing, probably does not want marriage.