Hi guys, I just stumbled upon some very hilarious jokes about Husbands and Wives; and thought I should share it here:

WIFE JOKE

Q: Why does your wife have period?
A: Because she deserves them.

Q: Why can’t you trust your wife?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die?

Q: What book does wives like the most?
A: The husband checkbook!

Q: Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less than his wife

Q: How is wife like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpit

Q: Why do wives like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can’t stand to see their husband have a good time.

Q: Why is your wife like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally names after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why does the pope still thinks he’s always right?
A: Because he has no wife to change his mind.

Q: Why do most men die before their wives?
A: They want to!

Q: Why did your wife cross the road?
A: Who cares – what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway.

HUSBAND JOKES

Q: Aren't you wearing the wedding ring on the wrong finger?
A: Yes I am, I am married to the wrong woman.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why do only 10% of husbands make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called Hell.

Q: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.

Q: Why can’t your husband get Mad Cow Disease?
A: Because he is a pig.

Q: What are a married man’s two greatest assets?
A: A closed mouth and an open wallet.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “instruction Manuals”

Q: What do a good employee and a husband has in common?
A: They’re always coming early.

Q: How is your husband like a used car?
A: Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

Q: What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What’s your husband’s definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What do most husbands do?
A: Cheat on their wives.

Q: Why does your husband get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they plugged into a genius.

Q: What is the husbands’ idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

HUSBAND WIFE JOKES

Wife: Why are you home early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.


Husband: Dear do you know that exams are like women?
Wife: How funny?
Husband: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful…

Husband: Do you want a kiss?
Wife: No
Husband: Do you remember what I just said?
Wife: Do you want a Kiss?
Husband: Yes, if you insist…

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!
Husband: Kitchen, Living room, laundry, dining room….

Wife: If you knew within the next 30 minutes the earth is going to explode, what is the first thing you will be doing?
Husband: Of course SEX.
Wife: And for the rest 29 minutes?

Wife: Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?
Husband: No I can’t. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.

Wife: I have changed my mind.
Husband: Thank God! Does the new one work now?

Husband: You are abcdefghijk wife!
Wife: Oh why?
Husband: You are adorable, beautiful, cute, dim (in a nice way), elegant, funny, great, happy wife.
Wife: Oh well what does ijk stand for?
Husband: I’m just kidding.

First Husband: “My wife’s an angel!
Second Husband: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”