A friend has been married for two and a half years. The marriage is blessed with a kid. But there has been some challenges with her in-laws. She's the quiet and reserved type so she sometimes feel cheated. Her brother-in-law stays with them right from the day they rented their apartment(a month before their wedding in 2011). The brother-in-law is the lousy and bossy type. He has this kind of "my brother owns it all" attitude. At first he was always walking into the masters bedroom without knocking. He takes anything he feels his brother owns like shirts, perfumes, belt, shoes et al. My friend bought most of these stuffs for her husband, but she doesn't complain.

Now there is a kind of disagreement between my friend and her husband as regards locking the masters bedroom when they are off to work or when they are not around. Vital documents are in the room and some other private stuffs but the nosy bother in-law doesn't know his boundaries. He goes into the room when they are not around to take things and read through the husband's stuffs and also the wife's dairy. My friend's hubby doesn't want to agree to locking the room when they are not around. He said the wife should leave him since he's his brother he can't do anything with the information he knows about them. So there is no point locking the master's bedroom.

From my own perspective, I think the hubby is scared of what his family would say when his brother tells them. While I was growing up, no brother-in-law stayed with us cos my dad is a last born, so I really don't know what advice to give my friend. She's not happy and things have not been going well in her home. I told her I was going to share her story here and I'm sure she'd get the best advice from you all. Pls no insults pls! She will be reading all your comments.

Thanks in anticipation.

How does she know the bro inlaw reads her diary when she's not around? Btw I think the bro inlaw should be matured enough to know that the couple's bedroom shud be treated with a little respect. But I don't believe he can walk into their room without knocking while they're in.

This is for her husband to resolve. She should be able to discuss this issue thoroughly with her husband expressing her unhappiness with theBIL's attitude.

If she can get evidence that the guy enters their room in their absence, she can use it as one of her points. In all, her husband alone is the key to resolving it. Her husband should also be able to draw boundaries for his brother about the way he carries himself in the house. They all can live in peace and harmony when boundaries are not crossed

This is a rather more mature situation, but i think the best person she can talk to is her Mother In-Law, that is if she is still alive, she can initiate the discussion with her mother in-law after talking to a female in her husbands family, like maybe her sister In-Law whom will be able to see her point from a woman's perspective.


Confronting the husband further is more like disagreeing with him about his brother living with them, with that being said, her Mother/Father In-Law seems to be the best people to discuss the issue with, that is if truly the Brother in-law is getting himself between their stuffs without their permission

zeelo2014: How does she know the bro inlaw reads her diary when she's not around? Btw I think the bro inlaw should be matured enough to know that the couple's bedroom shud be treated with a little respect. But I don't believe he can walk into their room without knocking while they're in.

don't tell me you usually don't know when people touch your stuffs. I'm personally gifted at that o. I know when my personal stuffs have been tampered with. My friend is like that too.
Talking about walking in without knocking, the guy was at first like that o, until his brother cautioned him.

The husband knows that his brother enters the room. He just has this non-challant attitude, like there is nothing to hide. His brother can know everything.

bellong: This is for her husband to resolve. She should be able to discuss this issue thoroughly with her husband expressing her unhappiness with theBIL's attitude.

If she can get evidence that the guy enters their room in their absence, she can use it as one of her points. In all, her husband alone is the key to resolving it. Her husband should also be able to draw boundaries for his brother about the way he carries himself in the house. They all can live in peace and harmony when boundaries are not crossed

kofsy: The husband knows that his brother enters the room. He just has this non-challant attitude, like there is nothing to hide. His brother can know everything.

When next the BIL enters their in their absence, she should lock the door the following day when she is going out. That is if she leaves after the husband, she can put a spare key in the husband's bag for him to open when he returns.

The action will initiate a further discussion on the way forward. She can do this if the husband is not the violent type.

bellong:


When next the BIL enters their in their absence, she should lock the door the following day when she is going out. That is if she leaves after the husband, she can put a spare key in the husband's bag for him to open when he returns.

The action will initiate a further discussion on the way forward. She can do this if the husband is not the violent type.

This sounds like a good advice... The hubby is not the violent type but he likes to give the silent treatment. They may end up keeping malice for days, but we don't know if it's gonna solve the problem. She'll definitely give it a try...
No wonder some women don't like the idea of in-laws staying with them. My friend's experience with this dude has really opened my eyes to a lot of things considering the fact that she's not the wahala kinda person. She's so gentle and reserved. She doesn't deserve this type of BIL
Funny enough she's older than the guy o!
Thanks love

The woman shld b very careful in dealing wit dis issue. She shld talk to her husband that dey r husband n wife besides dey r one. If d husband want 2 make ur frnd happy, he shld get all d materials his broda are using in dia bedrum 4 him also. D woman needs privacy period!!!

kofsy: A friend has been married for two and a half years. The marriage is blessed with a kid. But there has been some challenges with her in-laws. She's the quiet and reserved type so she sometimes feel cheated. Her brother-in-law stays with them right from the day they rented their apartment(a month before their wedding in 2011). The brother-in-law is the lousy and bossy type. He has this kind of "my brother owns it all" attitude. At first he was always walking into the masters bedroom without knocking. He takes anything he feels his brother owns like shirts, perfumes, belt, shoes et al. My friend bought most of these stuffs for her husband, but she doesn't complain.

Now there is a kind of disagreement between my friend and her husband as regards locking the masters bedroom when they are off to work or when they are not around. Vital documents are in the room and some other private stuffs but the nosy bother in-law doesn't know his boundaries. He goes into the room when they are not around to take things and read through the husband's stuffs and also the wife's dairy. My friend's hubby doesn't want to agree to locking the room when they are not around. He said the wife should leave him since he's his brother he can't do anything with the information he knows about them. So there is no point locking the master's bedroom.

From my own perspective, I think the hubby is scared of what his family would say when his brother tells them. While I was growing up, no brother-in-law stayed with us cos my dad is a last born, so I really don't know what advice to give my friend. She's not happy and things have not been going well in her home. I told her I was going to share her story here and I'm sure she'd get the best advice from you all. Pls no insults pls! She will be reading all your comments.

Thanks in anticipation.

@ Poster,

I'm going to start off by telling you exactly how I see this and apportion majority of the blame here on your friend.

From what you've written up there, it sounds to me that your friend, in her (desperate) bid to get married overlooked setting some very important ground rules right from the onset - while they were still dating. If only she had been more meticulous in setting her boundaries by putting her foot firmly down - on what she was and wasn't prepared to live with, then this really ought not to have been an issue.

Yes, you mention that a month before they got married, the brother-in-law moved in with them on their newly rented apartment - but I believe this issue must have been discussed even before that apartment was rented. Her husband (or fiancée at that time) must have indicated to her that his brother moving in with them as soon as they got their own place was a possibility he was considering. Unless your friend's marriage was an arranged one, she must have sussed out her brother-in-law's attitude and known him to be the lousy and bossy type. At that point, she should have made her feelings known to her husband-to-be that living under the same roof with his brother was a complete no-no which she wouldn't tolerate and was prepared to call off the wedding then.

Yes, call off the wedding - that would have sent the message to her fiancée in very clear terms that she valued her privacy a lot and wasn't willing to compromise on it. I tell you this - this would have forced her man to find an alternative solution (perhaps rent out a pad for his brother or seek an alternative accommodation for him) in order not to lose his girl. This would have forced him to "man up" AND also, let her inlaws know from the onset the sort of person she really was. I must point out to you at this stage that this needs to work both ways. If it's a no-no for her brother-in-law to live with her, then it should also be a no-no for her own siblings to live in her matrimonial home too.

As has been pointed out by other posters here, your friend needs to tread really, really, carefully. The fact of the matter now is this: they've been living in this situation, under the same roof for over two-and-a-half years now. For her to suddenly turn round saying "I can't tolerate this anymore" would only spell trouble for her. This explains why her hubby is laid back about it because as far as he can see, she was fine with the arrangement all along, so why rock the boat now?

As far as her in-laws go, your friend should be aware that she's walking on eggshells here. If she starts complaining, they'll be quick to jump on her neck saying she'd been pretending to be a nice and accommodating person all along, just to get married to their son/brother. They'll also say she's finally dropped the mask and her true colours are showing now. They WILL do everything in their power to make her very uncomfortable.

Advice your friend to adopt a very mature approach here. How old is this BIL of hers and what does he do? Is he a student sitting out the ASUU strike? Or is he a job seeker? If he's no longer a student, she should then work with her hubby in looking for something for him to do. They should try setting up a business for him, encourage him to be independent and strive to get his own place. If he's seeking employment, she should actively help him with his job applications, spread the word around and try giving him as much assistance as she can. The sooner he stands on his own two feet, the better for her - and moreso, she'll gain the respect of her in-laws as they'll see that she genuinely wants to help their son make something of his life. That's the long term approach.

For the here and now, she MUST sit her hubby down and make him understand that she needs her privacy in their matrimonial room. Let her explain to him that as a woman, she doesn't feel comfortable leaving their bedroom door unlocked. Let her be graphic if that will make her man see sense. Explain to him that she can't even change comfortably knowing another man living under the same roof as them has equal access to the room as her hubby. Or does he want his brother to see his wife's n@kedness?

Whatever it is that the BIL barges in to get from the room should be put outside the room so he has easy access to them be it the TV, laptop, detergents, shoe polish, iron, cooking pots, utensils, whatever, then lock that room!

To say I value my privacy is an understatement. Every married woman in her matrimonial home is entitled to it. It's common decency for the 'visitor' to understand what the boundaries are without having them spelt out to him or her.

It is well.

From d very. First day of my wedding our master bedroom has always been locked, when ever my my mil is arround for visiting, she knocks d door if my attention is needed, that is an agreement btw my hubby and I and its working for us.

The master bedroom shld be strictly avoided by d family member especially my family.

Efemena_xy:

@ Poster,

I'm going to start off by telling you exactly how I see this and apportion majority of the blame here on your friend.

From what you've written up there, it sounds to me that your friend, in her (desperate) bid to get married overlooked setting some very important ground rules right from the onset - while they were still dating. If only she had been more meticulous in setting her boundaries by putting her foot firmly down - on what she was and wasn't prepared to live with, then this really ought not to have been an issue.

Yes, you mention that a month before they got married, the brother-in-law moved in with them on their newly rented apartment - but I believe this issue must have been discussed even before that apartment was rented. Her husband (or fiancée at that time) must have indicated to her that his brother moving in with them as soon as they got their own place was a possibility he was considering. Unless your friend's marriage was an arranged one, she must have sussed out her brother-in-law's attitude and known him to be the lousy and bossy type. At that point, she should have made her feelings known to her husband-to-be that living under the same roof with his brother was a complete no-no which she wouldn't tolerate and was prepared to call off the wedding then.

Yes, call off the wedding - that would have sent the message to her fiancée in very clear terms that she valued her privacy a lot and wasn't willing to compromise on it. I tell you this - this would have forced her man to find an alternative solution (perhaps rent out a pad for his brother or seek an alternative accommodation for him) in order not to lose his girl. This would have forced him to "man up" AND also, let her inlaws know from the onset the sort of person she really was. I must point out to you at this stage that this needs to work both ways. If it's a no-no for her brother-in-law to live with her, then it should also be a no-no for her own siblings to live in her matrimonial home too.

As has been pointed out by other posters here, your friend needs to tread really, really, carefully. The fact of the matter now is this: they've been living in this situation, under the same roof for over two-and-a-half years now. For her to suddenly turn round saying "I can't tolerate this anymore" would only spell trouble for her. This explains why her hubby is laid back about it because as far as he can see, she was fine with the arrangement all along, so why rock the boat now?

As far as her in-laws go, your friend should be aware that she's walking on eggshells here. If she starts complaining, they'll be quick to jump on her neck saying she'd been pretending to be a nice and accommodating person all along, just to get married to their son/brother. They'll also say she's finally dropped the mask and her true colours are showing now. They WILL do everything in their power to make her very uncomfortable.

Advice your friend to adopt a very mature approach here. How old is this BIL of hers and what does he do? Is he a student sitting out the ASUU strike? Or is he a job seeker? If he's no longer a student, she should then work with her hubby in looking for something for him to do. They should try setting up a business for him, encourage him to be independent and strive to get his own place. If he's seeking employment, she should actively help him with his job applications, spread the word around and try giving him as much assistance as she can. The sooner he stands on his own two feet, the better for her - and moreso, she'll gain the respect of her in-laws as they'll see that she genuinely wants to help their son make something of his life. That's the long term approach.

For the here and now, she MUST sit her hubby down and make him understand that she needs her privacy in their matrimonial room. Let her explain to him that as a woman, she doesn't feel comfortable leaving their bedroom door unlocked. Let her be graphic if that will make her man see sense. Explain to him that she can't even change comfortably knowing another man living under the same roof as them as equal access to the room as her hubby. Or does he want his brother to see his wife's n@kedness?

Whatever it is that the BIL barges in to get from the room should be put outside the room so he has easy access to them be it the TV, laptop, detergents, shoe polish, iron, cooking pots, utensils, whatever, then lock that room!

To say I value my privacy is an understatement. Every married woman in her matrimonial home is entitled to it. It's common decency for the 'visitor' to understand what the boundaries are without having them spelt out to him or her.

It is well.

Wow! This is a handful! That's so much for your contribution

I guess the problem is a foundational one as you have stated. She should have stood against the idea of the BIL staying with them... She said she didn't know her BIL was going to turn out like this. They really didn't know each other so well before the wedding. And when her hubby raised the idea of his brother coming to stay with them, she couldn't have said no cos her hubby already had the plan mapped out even before they met that when he gets his own apartment his younger brother will come stay with him so as to raise him through school. The guy finished secondary school 3years ago and is trying to gain admission. So I guess my friend is really gonna have a long down time with her beloved BIL

But come to think of it, will it be easy for a lady(not married) to tell her fiance to seek an alternative accommodation for his own brother? If you are the guy, what will your response/reaction be?

kofsy:

Wow! This is a handful! That's so much for your contribution

I guess the problem is a foundational one as you have stated. She should have stood against the idea of the BIL staying with them... She said she didn't know her BIL was going to turn out like this. They really didn't know each other so well before the wedding. And when her hubby raised the idea of his brother coming to stay with them, she couldn't have said no cos her hubby already had the plan mapped out even before they met that when he gets his own apartment his younger brother will come stay with him so as to raise him through school. The guy finished secondary school 3years ago and is trying to gain admission. So I guess my friend is really gonna have a long down time with her beloved BIL

But come to think of it, will it be easy for a lady(not married) to tell her fiance to seek an alternative accommodation for his own brother? If you are the guy, what will your response/reaction be?

The mistake many young girls / women make during the dating game, is 'giving up' their individuality in a bid to be seen as amicable, non-confrontational and accepting.

No two people are exactly the same, that's why it's very important to let your man see you for who you really are at the onset, no pretences. If you two are meant to be, then you'll find a way round your differences. This is where negotiation comes in to play. Like I mentioned before, the best time to let your voice be heard (loud and clear) is during the dating game.

~ If you can't stand an intrusion on your private space, let him know now, not later.
~ If you can't tolerate a man who can't and won't clean up after himself, or whose personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired, tell him straight out from the start.
~ If having / continuing with your career (even when the kids come in) is something you hold dear to your heart, discuss and let him know
~ Talk about your views on finance and money matters. Joint accounts or not? Share of the bills or not? Savings plans / nest eggs for a rainy day, etc.
~ If you come from different religious backgrounds discuss that too.

Infact, the list is endless. Dating is not all about lovey-dovey stuff, eating at restaurants, how much he spends on presents, Brazillian weaves and material gifts. Those are in the minority. Dating, is the best time to discuss real, heavy, stuff... understanding your partner's views, social background, upbringing and basically his / her outlook on life. This is when you must talk, talk, talk and talk some more. Granted you can't cover everything, but you will have covered quite a lot, so the chances of there being any nasty surprises after saying "I do" will be less.

So, in response to your question about how easy (or not) it'll be for a lady(not married) to tell her fiancée to seek an alternative accommodation for his own brother - well, she just has to find out won't she? No, scratch that - she'll find out eventually, but it's best she initiates such conversations from the onset (when her voice is at its loudest), else she won't like what will happen a few years down the line when she'll have little or no say, as the lady in this example.

As per your friend, complaining now is like crying over spilt milk, or shutting the stables after the horse has bolted. Yes, you are right in your assumptions that she'll just have to bear it till her BIL eventually leaves and gets his own place.

there is no late time for things to change,she should gradually introduce boundaries in d house,by locking the room when she is inside it ,even if d hubby refuses let him start gettin used to d idea of privacy not his brother alone.

It is baffling though.

From a very young age, girls are encouraged to seek privacy especially when wanting to change for example. Why is it so hard for the husband in question to understand his wife's need for privacy?

@OP, it also begs the question - how old is this brother-in-law??

1. The lady should get a custom made cabinet or cupboard with locks to keep all vital documents. She can lock away confidential docs there.
2. Leave the room door open, it's too late to stop that now. She should pray that the BIL is soon able to stand on his feet and move out.
3. She must start locking the door when he moves out.
4. If they move apartments, she can sneak locking if all room doors as a new rule.

She should work towards helping him to gain admission and bundle him off to school, so that she will have her peace and enjoy her home..
Luckly by the time he comes back for vacation, the school environment would have changed him and make him to know and understand better what privacy really means...

Nnekacherry: She should work towards helping him to gain admission and bundle him off to school, so that she will have her peace and enjoy her home..
Luckly by the time he comes back for vacation, the school environment would have changed him and make him to know and understand better what privacy really means...

You are right. I also told her this. The dude is downright immature. He'd learn when he gains admission. Thanks for your input.
But I actually feel it's not too late to start locking the room if only the hubby can agree to it.

WudBMother: 1. The lady should get a custom made cabinet or cupboard with locks to keep all vital documents. She can lock away confidential docs there.
2. Leave the room door open, it's too late to stop that now. She should pray that the BIL is soon able to stand on his feet and move out.
3. She must start locking the door when he moves out.
4. If they move apartments, she can sneak locking if all room doors as a new rule.

I guess they necessarily don't have to move to another apartment before number 4 can be achieved. When the dude eventually gains admission next year by God's grace it, will be an opportunity. Thanks for your contribution I really appreciate you guys. You are the bomb.

Efemena_xy: It is baffling though.

From a very young age, girls are encouraged to seek privacy especially when wanting to change for example. Why is it so hard for the husband in question to understand his wife's need for privacy?

@OP, it also begs the question - how old is this brother-in-law??

Loool He's a grown up o! He should be between 22-23. He just had a slow education and Jamb/post Jamb is also not smiling at him. I just hope he'd gain admission next year. He's really a pain in my friend's a+ss. She complains about not being free with her husband in his presence. She must always put up the respect thing. Since he's always at home n goes no where, she can't wear what she feels like wearing around the house(like s+exy nightgowns) or have fun anywhere in the house with her hubby. Her hubby was always the naughty type before marriage, but because of the presence of his brother in the house he has restricted the naughtiness to only their bedroom. In my friend's word, she feels chained emotionally in her own house. This is still the early stage of her marriage but she seem not to be enjoying it. Atleast before the kids grow up, one should enjoy random s+ex with one's hubby in the kitchen, sitting room, or anywhere else in the house

When I get married my bedroom would be strictly off limits to anyone but my wife. I wonder why some dudes are so dumb not to respect their wife's privacy. I could imagine the BIL checking up the panties and bra of the wife.....

Absolutely nothing wrong if a woman's brother is staying with them. As long as
1. Its not on a permanent/constant basis
2. He knows his limits

If this young man is shuttling between school and/ or his parents' house alongside his brother's place, the woman wouldn't have felt so chocked up in her personal space. Why can't people understand that newlyweds deserve their own privacy to understand each other better, instead they're being burdened with extra responsiblilty. That's just unfair! This BIL must be a type of person that would rummage through their pockets for lose change he can keep.

@kofsy, your friend needs to toughen up. I know Yoruba tradition demands a woman to be respectful to her inlaws to the point of servitude. A silly culture that will demand a woman to refer to teenagers as aunty or uncle and give them utmost respect. That doesn't give the inlaws the right to walk all over her like a doormat. Her husband has to fight for her and she has to let him know that. All this good girl attitude is not getting her anywhere, she has to learn to put her foot down without disrespecting her husband or his family. Let her actions speak for her. Nothing stopping her from locking the bedroom doors when she's leaving for work. She can hide the keys in a strategic location only the husband can find or give him a spare key. If admission is not working out for the young man, he should go and learn a skill for the time being. He has been indulged for long enough.

@ OP your friend biggest mistake is discussing her matrimonial issues with you... I will personally advice that she lock up her PERSONAL ITEMS like dairy in a box etc... Then leave the matter for her husband to address.... If he addresses it good and if he does not fine, then let her help the Brother in-law to progress quickly so he can move out of their home.

my take. we are only reading one side of the story? how are we shall you or your friend is not trying to seperate this young man from his brother. i know what you girls are upto seperating man from his family and friends. personalizing him to yourself alone. selfishness. i have seen many case like this. if you dont have something to hide why are you pusing this young man. becos i dont see how this young man can be a treat to you if there is no hiden agenda? be plain girl nothing will stop you. even it the guy is in the sitting room and refuse to go. by the time you grab you hubby and start kissing him that young man will have no choice but to run. there are people that we remain in the room when you are with you lover even when you try to gve signs to let them know they need to leave to give privacy but still they dont. just naked urself and start the stuff by the time ur are bleeping they will run by themself. u are an adult and marriad so you dont need to be ashame. that guy cat stop you from enjoy sex or whatever. bushit

deeptesting: @ OP your friend biggest mistake is discussing her matrimonial issues with you... I will personally advice that she lock up her PERSONAL ITEMS like dairy in a box etc... Then leave the matter for her husband to address.... If he addresses it good and if he does not fine, then let her help the Brother in-law to progress quickly so he can move out of their home.

Oh! I see... Tell me more
so she should die in silence when she has a best friend she can confide in? I wouldn't be surprise if you are also staying with your brother inconveniencing his wife. Mtcheeeew

ONLY IN NIGERIA. . . !

^^^jellitah, good to have you back! I miss your threads

Joel.:
my take. we are only reading one side of the story? how are we shall you or your friend is not trying to seperate this young man from his brother. i know what you girls are upto seperating man from his family and friends. personalizing him to yourself alone. selfishness. i have seen many case like this. if you dont have something to hide why are you pusing this young man. becos i dont see how this young man can be a treat to you if there is no hiden agenda? be plain girl nothing will stop you. even it the guy is in the sitting room and refuse to go. by the time you grab you hubby and start kissing him that young man will have no choice but to run. there are people that we remain in the room when you are with you lover even when you try to gve signs to let them know they need to leave to give privacy but still they dont. just naked urself and start the stuff by the time ur are bleeping they will run by themself. u are an adult and marriad so you dont need to be ashame. that guy cat stop you from enjoy sex or whatever. bushit

That's quite nasty.

Are you saying the lady in question should lose all manner of decorum just to prove a point to a slow-witted inlaw?

kofsy:
Loool He's a grown up o! He should be between 22-23. He just had a slow education and Jamb/post Jamb is also not smiling at him. I just hope he'd gain admission next year. He's really a pain in my friend's a+ss. She complains about not being free with her husband in his presence. She must always put up the respect thing. Since he's always at home n goes no where, she can't wear what she feels like wearing around the house(like s+exy nightgowns) or have fun anywhere in the house with her hubby. Her hubby was always the naughty type before marriage, but because of the presence of his brother in the house he has restricted the naughtiness to only their bedroom. In my friend's word, she feels chained emotionally in her own house. This is still the early stage of her marriage but she seem not to be enjoying it. Atleast before the kids grow up, one should enjoy random s+ex with one's hubby in the kitchen, sitting room, or anywhere else in the house

If at 22-23 he's still waiting to gain admission into the university while most of his age mates by that time will be looking to graduate, then that sort of explains the guy's frustration levels. Academics isn't for everyone and it sounds like he's one of such people. He might be better off starting up a trade or something.