Aso Rock Villa. Yoruba music-themed day in
one of the expansive presidential reception
rooms. Ebenezer Obey is crooning from a
sophisticated sound system:
A l’owo ma j’aiye
Eyin le mo
Awon to j’aiye l’ana da
Won ti ku won ti lo
(If you have serious money
And you don’t enjoy life to the hilt
That is your fucking business
Those who enjoyed life yesterday
Are dead and gone today)
General party atmosphere and genteel
conversations in the ajebutter mode of the
rich and powerful. Baba’s raucous peals of
laughter are the only throwback to
unpolished bush mannerisms. In the room,
the usual suspects: President Goodluck
Jonathan, Mrs. Patience Jonathan, Baba
Olusegun Obasanjo, General Ibrahim
Babangida, General Abdulsalami Abubakar,
General T.Y. Danjuma, Chief Tony Anenih, all
kinds of rebel Governors, representatives of
the Northern Elders’ Forum, plenty of food,
plenty of drinks, and assorted aides carrying
the cellphones of their principals. President
Jonathan can be heard above Ebenezer
Obey’s financial advice:
“Ah, Baba himself! For the Baba himself!
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s amazing how we
all here continue to owe our necks and
good fortunes to Baba’s quick thinking o!”
“Mr. President, I agree with you. You are
absolutely right. I mean, look at me, I’m
supposed to be Mr. Fix It. Yet, I was caught
completely off guard by that idiot Kano
prince. But for Baba’s quick action, we
would all have been in a lot of trouble. I doff
my hat and heart for Baba o”
(General murmur of agreement across the
room.)
“Em, my people, if you praise me too much
my head will swell o”
“Ah, Baba, let’s praise you. You deserve it.
You have saved the President from a very
tight corner.”
“Ok, praise me. It was my usual work of
genius. As I sat down at the stadium in
Johannesburg for Mandela’s funeral, I kept
thinking of the damage that this lunatic
Kano prince could potentially do to our plans
with his useless letter. Then I thought of the
one thing that never fails to work with
Nigerians: emotion. You see, no matter how
grown up and educated a Nigerian is, you
must always remember that his emotion
never develops beyond the Choco Milo stage
throughout his or her life. Give children
Choco Milo and you can divert their attention
away from anything. I knew instantly that a
letter containing more sensational tsunami
than that of the Kano prince would divert
their attention from our money. Throwing
Nigerians Choco Milo worked for those who
ruled them before us; throwing Nigerians
Choco Milo has worked for us since we
started ruling them; throwing Nigerians
Choco Milo will work for our children who
will rule Nigerians when we are dead and
buried.”
(Thunderous applause in the room)
“Em, Your Excellency President Jonathan.”
“Yes, my dear General IBB.”
“Well, now that Baba has mentioned our
money, I think it is time to get down to
business. I still need to be in Minna today to
receive another APC delegation. You know
that those fools literally sleep on my
verandah these days.”
“Ah, yes, you’re right General. Gentlemen, the
meeting is about to start. If you are not
supposed to be here, please exit now.”
(All aides exit. Patience Jonathan remains
seated, beaming. Baba whispers into
President Jonathan’s ear.)
“Em, Jona, your madam is still here now.”
“Yes now, Baba, I can see her.”
“Haba, don’t you understand? Tell her to go
out too now.”
“Ehn, Baba, you want to kill me? Tell Patience
to go out? Baba, leave matter, she is the real
President o.”
“Ah, Jona, wo aiye e nta! See your life! Okay,
let me help you get her out of here.”
“Ah, Baba, please I beg you, leave her alone
o.”
(Too late. Baba is already approaching the
First Lady.)
“My one and only Madam Peshe!”
“Baba, you are our father.”
“Peshe, Peshe! The lionness of Okrika! May
Soponna strike any other woman who looks
at Jona.”
“Baba we thank God. We thank you.”
“Ehen, Madam Peshe, shebi you know that
whenever I’m here in the Villa, I will only eat
what you personally cook because I am yet
to see any woman who cooks soup like you
in the whole of Africa.”
“Ah, Baba, you are flattering me again o.”
“It is not flattery o Madam Peshe. This one
that you are seating here with us. It means
you want me to eat food cooked by Villa
cooks today?”
“Ah, Baba! Okay, let me leave you men alone
and go and personally cook your own meal.”
“That is what I’m talking about my daughter.
Thank you. O kare omobinrin yi.”
(The First Lady exits)
“Ah, Baba, how did you do it?”
“Leave me alone jare Jona. O ti de ju. Must I
teach you everything including how to
flatter a woman to get her to do anything
you want? Start the meeting jare.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are all here to
review Operation Fifty-Billion-Dollars-
For-2015. Now that Baba, through a stroke
of genius, has been able to divert the
country’s attention away from the money
and to his letter, we have to move quickly
and discuss the sharing formula.”
“Your Excellency.”
“Yes, Mr. Fix It.”
“First I want to congratulate you for raising
the fifty billion dollars.”
“I didn’t raise it o. Nne One and Nne Two did
it. I only provided Presidential leverage.”
“Ah, Jona”
“Yes Baba”
“Sorry for interrupting you but how do you
go about picking those your Nnes? One
bought bulletproof BMWs for some cool
dollars and another two have raised fifty
billion dollars for 2015. Anyway, Mr. Fix It,
you have no mouth to congratulate anybody
o. When we put you in works, how much
were you able to raise? Now ordinary
women have raised fifty billion dollars and
you are talking. You should be ashamed of
yourself.”
“Baba, please let’s stay on point. General IBB,
your opinion?”
“Well, President Jonathan, have you
determined the traditional courtesy cut for
us the elder statesmen here? How much is
going to Baba, General Danjuma, General
Abdulsalami, and I? And since General
Integrity will never attend these meetings
and will reject his share if we send it to him,
we can add it to ours. So, as usual, we take
our cut first and decide how to disburse the
rest for 2015.”
“Yes, General IBB, in view of all the
contending issues, I have fixed the
traditional courtesy cut for you elders at ten
billion dollars. As usual, you will work out
the sharing formula among yourselves. We
are left with a balance of forty billion dollars.
Baba, I hope that works for you?”
“Jona, you know by now that no amount of
money works for me but let me not be an
agbaya. Let me agree this time. Now let’s
move on to these noisemakers in the
Northern Elders’ Forum. General Abubakar
should handle that side.”
(General Abubakar turns to the
representatives of the NEF and speaks)
“Folks, I’m a man of few words. Four years
of waiting is nothing if you are busy
investing ten billion dollars. Take ten billion
dollars and bury your agitation for the
Presidency to shift to the North in 2015. You
don’t have to openly work for President
Jonathan. Just go and get busy investing
your share of the ten billion dollars and
disappear from circulation. Remember that
if you refuse to take this money, he has the
might of the Nigerian state and will still rig
that election anyway. Guys, grow a brain.
Don’t lose both ways. Take ten billion dollars
and advise the North to wait for 2019.”
“Okay, General Abdulsalami, we hear you.
But this ten billion is for how many of us?
Can the President add three oil blocks to it?”
“Alhaji, don’t push it. Ten billion and nothing
more. It’s dollars o. The sharing formula is
for you members of the executive of the
Northern Elders Forum to decide when you
get back to Kaduna.”
“Ok. We agree.”
“Your Excellency.”
“Yes, General Abdulsalami.”
“We have the north. Ten billion dollars.”
“Ok. Baba, shey you hear. We are down to
thirty billion dollars.”
“Ehen, these rebel rascals, there are seven or
eight of them?”
“Well, Baba, they are all here but I don’t
know in what combination. They were
seven. Then they were five and two, and
then they were five and one and one. But
we have seven of them here.”
“Jona”
“Yes Baba”
“Give them one billion each and let them go
and sempe”
“Sempe?”
“Cool temper.”
“Ah, ok. That makes seven billion dollars. But
Sule Lamido already cornered ten billion
naira through his sons. Should he also get a
billion dollars?”
“Jona, give those boys what I said. By the
way, where is Rotimi? Rotimi! Rotimi!”
(Rotimi Amaechi approaches the centre of
the room and kneels down. Baba addresses
him)
“Ehen, Rotimi, your drama has gone on long
enough.”
“Yes, I know, Baba.”
“You will leave this meeting with one billion
dollars. The money is to organize your
campaign for the Senate in 2015. Once you
leave this meeting, go back to Port Harcourt
and engineer how to lose your ongoing
battle with the Presidency. You understand
that the Presidency must not be seen to
have lost out in a battle with a governor.”
“I understand Baba.”
“Okay, Jona, what else do you have for
Rotimi.”
“In addition to the one billion dollars, he
gets two oil blocks. He gets to continue his
association openly with APC but must come
back to us once he is elected to the Senate.”
“Rotimi, shey you hear President Jonathan.
Do you agree?”
“I agree Baba.”
“Okay, go and arrange how Bipi will
impeach you. Protest a little and disappear
into APC. See you at the Senate in 2015. Jona,
where are we?”
“Well, Baba, ten billion for Elder statesmen,
ten billion for the Northern Elders Forum,
seven billion for the rebels. That’s twenty-
seven billion dollars.”
“Okay, we must earmark ten billion dollars
for Bode George now that he is completely
free to work for us again.”
“Haba Baba! Ten billion dollars for Bode
George?”
“Jona, I think you are underestimating the
importance of Lagos. Until we take that
state, we cannot really say that we own
Nigeria even if you win in 2015. You
understand that the owner of the treasury
of that state is singlehandedly financing APC
and poking his rude finger in our noses all
the time just because he owns that
treasury? Whatever we do, we got to
capture that treasury. Capturing the treasury
of Lagos state is a do or die affair.”
“But Baba, we can always fly him here in the
dead of night and cut another deal.”
“That will be another temporary solution.
Bode is the only stormy petrel capable of
handling him. But Bode needs money.”
“But Baba, what will ten billion dollars do?
Do you know how much the man rakes in
monthly from that treasury he owns in
Lagos? Lamorde showed me his file last
week and I nearly had a heart attack.”
“That is why you will give Bode five oil
blocks in addition to the ten billion dollar
mobilization fee. Besides, something will
work for us. Sooner or later, the people of
Lagos will get tired of their money being
used to build a personal empire across the
southwest. They will begin to insist that the
money for Lagos must be spent exclusively
on the development of Lagos. Once that
happens, we move in for the kill.”
“Okay, Baba, ten billion for Bode George. So,
we have run through thrity-seven billion
dollars. What about Nne One and Nne Two?
Without the extraordinary work of those
two women, we won’t be here.”
“Ah, yes, they tried. Encourage them with
$1.5 billion each.”
“That’s three billion dollars. We are at forty
billion dollars.”
“I think the whole house here would agree
that the remaining ten billion dollars should
be disbursed at your discretion, Mr.
President.”
(Outside the room, some eavesdropping
disgruntled aides whisper)
“Chei, Ruby.”
“Wetin now, Renoks?”
“You no hear? The money don remain ten
billion dollars o.”
“Ehen?”
“What do you mean ehen?”
“They have not mentioned aides now. And
the money don nearly finish. It takes billions
to effectively monitor social media these
days…”
“Haba, Renoks!”
“Wetin now, Oga Doyin, was I talking to
you? I was talking to Oga Ruby.”
“Ole ni e. You are a thief. No respect for
elders. Elders are sharing money that will
guarantee your future here beyond 2015
and you are doing longa throat. Foolish
boy.”
“At least nobody in Benue and Imo states
has accused me of contract jibiti.”
“Ehn, Renoks, are you talking to me? Ruby,
you are here and this small boy is insulting
me? I will…”
(Madam Peshe’s voice screaming from the
kitchen interrupts him)
“Renoks! Ruby! Doyin! Where are these boys
when you need them? Renoks! Ruby! Doyin!
Have you set the table?”
They all roar, “Yes Madam!!” and rush to the
kitchen.