****Please will need your feedback on this mail i received. She did not mind my sharing it with the house****

Dear Sister Tee
Thank you for all you do, i have been following your page and really encouraged to talk to you. I am a 28years old lady and still single. The problem i have now started when i was 17, i was raped by someone i really trusted and it has been difficult for me to get over everything. Anytime i am in a relationship, the scene from the past keeps playing in my mind, and i see that distrust in all men. No matter how i try to look beyond what happened, i see myself falling back. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, how do i get over my past? Thank you for your help. please share it on the page but keep my identity safe. God bless.


I got this mail, the lady in question did not mind me also sharing it on here. We need as much practical steps that can be taken as possible. Thank you all.

Toyin this is indeed a very sad, painful and delicate topic. There are a lot of young women out there with similar experiences therefore I'm happy you brought this topic up and I hope the little I have to contribute gives those ladies a little strength and confidence that they can get through this. Sexual molestation at whatever age is indeed a traumatic experience and deeply affects the victims in their daily rapport with people (as she already said she finds it difficult to trust) .

Dear lady, the fact that you are talking about it is a great beginning to facing the problem. You have just taken the most important step because telling someone else about a personal experience such as being sexually abused is one of the most difficult things to do and shows a great deal of trust.

Talking about it isn't enough though. Hard as it may seem, psychologists advice on confrontation; not with the person but with yourself. In your letter you wrote "Anytime i am in a relationship, the scene from the past keeps playing in my mind, and i see that distrust in all men. No matter how i try to look beyond what happened, i see myself falling back." Self confrontation involves gaining awareness of all the feelings you had during the abuse, as well as all the feelings that you still have years later. True confrontation of the abuse means that you relive every moment in your mind, remembering every feeling, and examining each of them honestly, rather than acting them out and regurgitating them thoughtlessly in present-day relationships. Facing these hurtful feelings, accepting them as a part of your life experience, will help minimise that feeling of falling back you earlier described.

There are different ways to self confront, you could do that through writing ( not necessarily a diary or journal, any piece of paper will do even if you will have to throw it away afterwards), physical exercises like kick boxing, or orchestrated movements such as yoga. Your goal is letting the feeling out, whether it be anger, pain, betrayal, frustration, you just have to face it, look it in the eye, absorb it and then let it go. You could even think about these feelings and scream out or cry as loud as you want to, don't hold back...let it all out.
Once you begin to rediscover yourself and love yourself again, (leaving out all the blames on why it happened), you would be able to install better relationship with other people and finally get to trust someone else ( a male companion) a little at a time.
You can't do this alone you would need a friend, a confidante, someone you can trust and express your feeling to without being judged, someone who would remind you how special you are whenever you feel down or lost and confused. In this case I believe you have Toyin.
It's not an easy process and it takes time but with goodwill, hard work and faith (if you are a religious person) you will get through this and will have a good, positive and meaningful relationship with a man who will understand you and most especially be a friend.

^^Great advice there.

First, understand the need for a man/relationship in your life.

Do you need a man for companionship? Procreation? Or for vengeance?
Put yourself in the shoes of these men who keep getting tossed out because of your past hurt. They love you, they want to stay, they want to make you happy. The least you can do in return is not to let that one man from the past mar the picture of them in your head. Please, its time to move on now.

You don't want to 'wake up' when you're 35 and begin to hunt down the man who did you wrong because you're still single and he's 'ruined' your life.

Second, forgive. Talk to Sister Toyin. Write down your hurts, discuss them with her. Talk about what your fears are. Do you think the $ex will be painful? You feel all men will always leave? You're scared of your past coming to haunt you?

You need reassurance, and you prayerfully need to let go. Please try. Forgive, forget. See each man as his own person, with his own face and personality, not the face of the man who caused you pain.

When you meet someone, study them. Take your time to love, trust and encourage them. Try not to see every wrong as an offshoot of men's issues. We all have our own.

Think of your old age, of the times when you'd have grown old, bent and frail, aging gracefully. Would you rather look back on the years you spent avoiding men because of that occurence, or on the years you found fulfillment as a wife, mother, grandmother and friend to your husband and kids?

May God help us all. #Madam

Thank you guys, Mollietinrox and Lerrie John. please your replies mean the world to me. I tell you 'r.a.pe' is a very harsh way of reacting to any hidden emotions. The life of the person being raped is utterly disrupted emotionally. Thank you guys, very great advice on here. Will forward it to her.

It will be more like detoxifying her emotions.

Nice responses from lerrie n molly

Happy New year, everyone. This is our year of greater works and achievement in Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.