My Online Crazy Jokes Collection - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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New crazy jokes to spice up your weekend. Hahahaha / Crazy Jokes / Crazy Jokes (2) (3) (4)
| My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:43pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
I have stored these jokes I got online for some time now, I think its time I dished them out, so are nice, nasty and damn stupid, but enjoy all the same, A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113". |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:44pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
, A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking." |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:45pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
Little Johnny's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnny would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before. She chose the word "fascinate". Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight." After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again. This time the word was "urinate". The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny. Johnny said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten. |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:46pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My momma had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those indians not to Bleep with the Lone Ranger." [b][/b] |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:53pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch." |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:54pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:54pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, " Second little boy, "Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK, then I DEFINITELY shit my pants, " |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 1:55pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely." "Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely." The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks, (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely! |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by Pappyshoes(m): 2:00pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
No comment!!!!!!!! |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:04pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it, Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS". |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:05pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:06pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13, 13, 13, 13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14, 14, 14, 14.' |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:11pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!" |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by Gabry(f): 4:13pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
Why are you following me? |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:14pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:17pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter, First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know, " First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me." |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:19pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
[b]There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"[/b] |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:27pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
[b]Talking about kidnapping, Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Your Truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike! Sincerely, You know who[/b] |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:30pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!" |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:32pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:34pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" |
| Re: My Online Crazy Jokes Collection by basking4me: 4:36pm On Sep 09, 2008 |
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him." |
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