- The Illiterate Chief
In a Launching Ceremony, a Chief who is an illiterate noticed that each dignitary making a donation had two titles attached to their names. For instance, Chief (Dr.) Ominigbo Omekemeke, Prof (Pastor) Owoko woko, etc. The Chief was determined not to allow anyone upstage him at the occasion.

When it was his turn to speak, he took
the microphone and announced; I, Late (Chief) Johnson Ozengbe Akodudu donate the sum of 500,000 Naira cash.

Late Who?
The hall was empty in 60 seconds!.

- Akpors' letter to the Principal
Dear Sir,

I am very happy I write this letter to you. How are you, your wife and childs? I am write this letter to told you that am leave your school forever. Because in your school, the teachers are cane us all very hard one and sometimes I wanted to cried but my friends tell me that man is
not crying so I never cry.

The last time be today that we write
English exams in that school that I am get 2%, teacher tell me that "my head is die". Oh it pain me too much that e tell me that thing.
Shebi with this my letter, abeg principal, I suppose get 2%? I no suppose get 100%?
So that is why me am go away forever to another school which are not cane
people hard and do wayo for exams.

On behalf of myselves, I say byes to you sir, me is going forever.

Yours faithfully,
Akpors!!!

- Akpors and His Pastor
After church service, the preacher was standing at the door as usual to shake hands. He grabbed Akpors by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to
him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"

Akpors replied, "I'm already in the
Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I
don't see you except during Christmas
and Easter?"

Akpors whispered back, "I'm an
undercover agent".

-Akpors and Ironman
Akpors was sitting at a bar, and thinking about his life, when all of a sudden, Ironman, the town's most notorious thug came and smacked him in the face and said; That's KUNG FU, made in China.

A while later, Ironman the thug smacked him again and said; That's
KARATE, made in Japan. Ironman then
sat at the bar and started drinking.

Akpors got up and left the bar. A short
time later Akpors came back and
smacked Ironman, knocking him out cold and said to the barman; When he wakes up, tell him that, that was a SHOVEL, made in Aba!.

- Akpors and the American lawyer
An American lawyer and Akpors were
sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer believed that
Nigerians are so dumb that he could
put something over on them easily, so
the lawyer asked Akpors if he would like to play a fun game.

Akpors was tired and just
wanted to take a nap, so he politely
declined and tried to catch a few
winks. The American lawyer
persisted, and said that the game has
a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me only 5 Dollars. You ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you 500 Dollars," he said.

This caught his attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, he agreed to play the game. The lawyer asked the
first question. "What is the distance
from The Earth to the Moon?

Akpors did not
say a word. He dipped his hand in his
pocket and
pulled out 5 Dollars, and handed it to the lawyer. Now, it was Akpors' turn.

He asked the lawyer; What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?
The lawyer used his laptop and
searched all references he could find on the Internet. He sent e-mails to all the smart friends he
knew, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally
gave up. He woke Akpors up and handed
him 500 Dollars. Akpors pocketed the
500 Dollars and went
back to sleep. The lawyer started
going nuts not knowing the answer. He woke him up and asked; Well, so
what goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four?

Akpors dipped his hand into his pocket, and handed
the lawyer 5 Dollars and went back to
sleep.

- Conversation between Akpors and his Girlfriend On Whatsapp
Akpors: Hello Angel, How are you doing?

Akpors' Girlfriend: Akpors dearie, I'm
fine.

Akpors: Where are you?

Akpors' Girlfriend: Daddy's Driver Is
bringing me to
school with Daddy's Range Rover Car.

Akpors: Oh Angel, that is lovely. I just
wanted to tell you not to pay the bus
conductor. I am at your back and I
have paid for the two of us.

- The Rabbit
One day, A Rabbit was running
around the forest happily when he saw a giraffe smoking marijuana

"Hey" he said to the giraffe "why do you do this to yourself my friend?, just run around the forest with me,
and you'll feel happier" The giraffe
thought about this, left the smoke and started running with the rabbit.

After a while, they came
across an elephant taking
heroin "hey" said the rabbit to the
elephant "why do you destroy
yourself with drugs?, just run around the forest with me and you'll definitely be happier" The elephant thought about this and left his drugs and
started running around the
forest with the rabbit.

After a while, they saw Mr
Lion taking coke, a powerful
drug "Hey" the rabbit said to the
lion "why do you punish yourself so?, just run around the forest with me and you'll feel happier" Then the lion left his drugs and started giving the rabbit the beating of his life.

"Hey" said the elephant to Mr
Lion "This guy is only trying to
help us from taking drugs, why are you beating him up?"

Then the lion said "Dont mind
this idiot, thats how he makes
me run around the forest with
him whenever he's high"

-The funny couple
One day a woman wanted to know
how the hubby would react if she left
without telling him where she had
gone. So she decided to write him a
letter saying she is tired of him and
didn't want to live with him anymore and after writing she put the letter on
the table in the bedroom before
hiding under the bed...

When hubby came back home, saw
the letter and read it, then he also
wrote something on it then began to
sing and dance changing his clothes. He
got his phone, dialed someone
then said: "Hey babe, am just changing clothes then will join you,
as for the other fool it has finally
dawned on her that I was fooling
around with her and has left.

I was wrong really wrong to have
married
her, I wish I had known you earlier.
See you soon honey!". The hubby walked
out of the room
and left. In tears and very upset, the woman got up from under the bed
and decided to go and read what the
hubby wrote on the letter.

When she got the letter, it said: "I COULD see your feet you idiot, I am going to buy bread. Stand up, stop your silly games and prepare me a meal!!

- Akpors!!
Peter: "I want my money now!"

Tom: I'll kill myself so that I won't pay you. Tom pulled a gun and shot himself dead

Peter: "hahaha..... If you think you'll
get away with my money you're wrong, I will follow you until you
pay me my money. Peter takes the gun and shot himself dead as well

Akpors :Who was watching from a
distance laughed and
said "these guys are funny, I want to
watch this till
the end" Akpors also took the gun and killed him self!

- Akpors Vs Warden
Warden: Aha! I’ve caught you
stealing fish red-handed.

Akpors: What do you mean by red-
handed?

Warden: You’ve got a bucket full of
fish right here, you can not talk your way out of it this time.

Akpors: Oh, you don’t understand,
I’ve not stolen a thing. These are my pet fish. I bring them to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they’ve had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and
we go back home. I can prove it.

Akpors dipped the bucket in and the
fishes swam away. They both stood in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes…..No sign of the fish coming back
to the bucket.

Warden: Aha, you're lying rogue! You
stole the fishes

Akpors: What fish? Where is your
proof??

- Mikel and Yobo
After their return from Brazil
World cup, the Super Eagles
were so ashamed of their
defeat that they decided to
disguise themselves so as not
to be recognized.

Mikel disguised himself as a monk
and was walking on the
street when suddenly an old
lady walked up to him and
said "Mikel how far na?".

Mikel was so surprised that he ran away annoyed that the
old woman could recognize
him despite his disguise.

Disappointed, he went home and dressed as a pregnant woman, again
he bumped into the same old lady and
she said, "Mikel how far na,
see as you just run the other
day". Confused and frustrated Mikel asked "but mama how do you keep
recognizing me despite my disguises"?

The old lady replied: "Hahaha,
Mikel na wa for you oh, look
me well na, It's me Yobo".

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Why Some Husbands Avoid Questions
From Their Wives;

Wife: What will you do if I die? Will you
get married again?

Husband: No!

Wife: Why not? Don't you
like being married?

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Then why wouldn't you
remarry?

Husband: Okay, okay, I will get
married again.

Wife: Will you live in our house with
your new Wife?

Husband: Yes, It is a beautiful house.

Wife: Will you let her drive my car?

Husband: Yes, It is a nice one.

Wife: Will you give her my jewelries?

Husband: No! I am sure she will want
her own.

Wife: Will she wear my shoes?

Husband : No, her size is '41'.

Wife: What?

Husband: Shit! Oh my God! I am
finished!

- AKPORS IN A BIBLE STUDY CLASS Teacher: What is the surname of
Lazarus that Jesus rose from the
death?

Akpors: COMFORT

Teacher: What makes you think so?

Akpors: Read your bible carefully
sir, when Jesus called Lazarus he
included his surname

Teacher: How?

Akpors: He called him with a loud
voice saying "LAZARUS COMFORT(come
forth)"

- A conversation between an angry wife (Ekaette) to her
husband (Akpors) on phone.

Ekaette: Where the hell are you? ...

Akpors: Honey, you remember that gold shop where u saw the
diamond necklace & totally fell in
love with it?

Ekaette (relaxed): Yes, my king

Akpors: Remember I had no cash
To buy it for you that day & I said I will
buy it for you next time?

Ekaette (totally relaxed with a smile
& a blush): Yes I remember my
love!

Akpors: Good, I am in a beer
palour next to that shop!

-Keep the motor Running
A white man 80 years of age married
a young white lady. A year later he
carried her to the
hospital, and she had a baby.

The nurse said to the man, "At your age, how do you do that?"

The man answered "You just have to
keep the motor running." Another year passed, and the man
carried her back to the hospital to deliver another baby.

The same nurse said to
the man and asked "you are
something else, how do you do that?"

He said "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running." Another year and they went back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said "you are unbelievable, how do you do that?!"

He said "you got to keep the motor
running." She answered "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black."

YOU KNOW IT'S A NIGERIA
MOVIE WHEN:

~ A man shoots himself on the head 3
times...Habaaa !!!!!!! How in
the world is that possible?

~ RMD remembering when he
was still 7years old as far
back as 1960 and suddenly a
HUMMER passes in front of
him....... Chinekeee!

~ Patience Ozokwor poisons Zark Orji's food, she stirs the poison so
that it will circulate to all parts
of the meal and then she
tastes it, Zack Orji dies while
she survives, Nawaa oo

~ Someone flashes back to 1982 and
behind him is a sign
board "Vote for Goodluck
Jonathan" Hmmmm

~ A 7year old character is washing
plates and he suddenly
becomes an adult in his 20's still washing the same plates
and wearing the same
trousers...

~ Omotola is depicted as a poor woman suffering in the village and has to do serious farm work to survive only for you to see
that her fingernails are fixed
with long plastic nails and painted crimson red.

~ Tonto Dike acting a born again
village girl, yet has tattoos on her body.

~ Someone dies
with low cut and his spirit
comes back wearing afro... Na
wetin?

~ A woman suddenly
decides to poison her
husband, then she opens her food
cabinet and brings out
the substance. Is poison part
of cooking ingredients?

~ They shoot you on the leg yet
blood starts coming out from
your nose.

~ John Okafor (Mr Ibu) is the father of
Nkem Owoh (Osofia). Biko who is
older?

~ You must cough
before you die..

~ Patience Uzokwu....flashed back to when she waz 17 and playing
....but she is wearing
brazilian hair in 1975...........
.......na wetin?

- Fun Quotes

Only a courageous woman can fry a
bunch of plantain without tasting any - Albert Einstein (1872).

He who says nothing lasts forever has
never tried d Hausa perfume
- Isaac Newton (1904).

He who fully unwraps a sharwama
completely before eating it cannot
keep a secret
- Abraham Lincoln (1864).

Any man that uses his teeth to cut
shaki from pepper-soup with his eyes
wide open is not afraid of anything
- Martin Luther King Jnr (1900).

Anyone who thinks he has many
enemies has never been with a
mountain of fire member
- William Shakespeare (1788).

Anyone who graduated without
experiencing a strike probably has
never been to Nigeria
- Lord Lugard (1904).

He who asks for stew on top of jollof
rice has trust issues
- Alexander the III 1709).

He who refuses to classify Agege
bread n Akara as a type of sandwich
is a racist
- Martin Luther king Jnr (1931).

Any man who drinks alomo bitters
without squeezing his face, is capable
of murder....obasa njo(1999)

Drinking Garri doesnt mean you're
poor, but allowing the garri to swell-
up before drinking is Poverty
- Queen Elizabeth (1893).

He who runs around looking for
scissors to cut indomie seasoning
sachets is not yet hungry
- (Sir Dr Nnamdi Azikiwe 1947)

Nigeria was never on the map when
God said LET THERE BE LIGHT
-Buhari (1980)

No mata how hot your temper is, it
cannot cook yam.
-Goodluck Jonathan (2013)

Anyone that reads this without
laughing, that person is looking for a
job - Lord Lugard (1914)

... Keep smiling

- The Old man

Akpors' father, his mother, and their
eight children, were waiting for bus at
a bus stop. After a few minutes, an
old man walking with the aid of a
walking stick joined them.

When the bus
came, it was almost filled up. Only
Akpors' mother and his seven siblings
were
able to enter. Akpors' father, the old man
and Akpors, resorted to walking. As they were walking Akpors' father got irritated
by the ticking of the walking stick of
the old man and said to him; Sir, that
ticking sound is driving me crazy.

Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the
end of your stick. The old man with
provocation shouted at Akpors' father;
Shut up and keep walking. If you had put
a piece of rubber at the end of your stick we would be
sitting in the bus now.

- Akpors the Rich man
A very rich man Akpors parked
his new lexus in front of his office
ready to show it off to his collegues,
as Akpors got out a trailer passed too
close
and completety tore off the door, the Akpors immediately grabbed his cell
phone, called the police, and they
arrived.

Before the officer could say
anything Akpors was screaming
hysteriacally, my lexus!, my lexus!,
will never be the same again no matter
what the panel -beater does to
it, the officer just looked at Akpors in disgust and shook his head, I cant
believe how materialistic you are, he
said, you are so focused on your
possessions that you dont notice
anything else.

How can you say such
athing? dont you know
that your left arm is missing from
your elbow down, it must have been
torn off when the truck hit you..........., oh my God replied Akpors, "MY ROLEX" wrist watch is also missing.

- Husband Vs Wife
A man who always complains that he
suffers alot at work to bring home
something to eat while his wife stays
home and does does nothing else but
eats and gets fat, prayed to God;
"Father I am not saying am not happy being a man, but the problem is I
suffer alot while my wife stays home
relax. Lord I will like to exchange with
my wife, make me the wife and her
the husband so that she can suffer
too."

God in his infinite mercy granted his
request and the next morning he
became a woman(the wife).
He( the wife) got up very early, got
the children up, bathed them, made
breakfast 4 all, fed the children, served the husband, took de children
to school, went to the market, cleaned
the house, made lunch, collected the
children from school, gave them
lunch, did their homework, and so on.

And at night He(the wife) also had to
satisfied the husband on the bed even
though He was very tired.
The next morning He prayed to God; "
Father I know i have sinned by asking
u to exchange me with my wife. Now I know what it means to be a woman,
Please make me back to be a Man"
But God said "Sorry my dear you will
have to wait for nine months because
last night you got yourself pregnant."

- Akpors the Radio Presenter
A man called into Akpors' radio
programme and the following
conversation ensued:

PRESENTER AKPORS: What's your
contribution?

CALLER: There is this lady I wanted in
my life shortly after my NYSC, But all
my efforts proved abortive. She
wouldn’t pick my calls, she would
laugh at me while passing by for
reasons best known to her. Five months later, I was able to get an
apartment, get a new car courtesy of
a contract job I secured with a major
oil company. Now most of the missed
calls I have are hers, barrage of sms
and all that. I am confused on what to do. Please advise me.

PRESENTER AKPORS: Listen up, give her
a call letting her know you will be at
her house in 2hrs time. When it’s
time call her up and delay for another
2hrs. Take a cool
Shower, wear a nice outfit and attention catching
perfume. When it’s time drive to her
house, walk to her door and knock,
once she opens, with d sexiest smile
you’ve got, look stylishly into her
eyes, draw her slowly to yourself, take your mouth close to her ear and
whisper, ”Thunder fire you, idiot”.

- The funny Couple
A man escapes from prison where he
has been for 15 years . He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns
and finds a young couple in bed
He orders the guy out of bed and ties
him to the chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets up and goes into the
bathroom.

while he's there, the husband tells his
wife "listen honey this guy is an
escaped convict, look at his clothes!
he probably spent lots of time in jail and
hasn't seen a woman in years. I
saw how he kissed your neck." if he Wants sex don't resist, don't complain,
do whatever he tells you . satisfy him
no matter how much he nauseates
you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. if he gets angry he will kill
us. Be strong, honey. I love you.

To which his wife responds; "he
wasn't kissing. my neck he was
whispering in my ear. He told he was
a gay, thought you were cute, asked me
if we had any Vaseline. I told him
it was in the bathroom Be strong honey I love you too!!

- Akpors and The Police men
Police Men were chasing a thief
(Akpos) that escaped from prison
at night. Akpos ran into a nearby
cemetary, stripped naked and sat
on a grave.

When the police got there,
they asked; Did you see anybody
that ran pass you?.

Akpos replied; No. I'm a visitor. I was
buried yesterday.
The heat is too much inside my grave.
I came outside to receive
fresh air.

The police men took to their
heels.

Don't just view, drop your comments too

the high rabbit got my ribs cracking

these got me cracking my ribs.

the rabbit joke is very funny..lol

Comfort got me

^^^Thanks for dropping your comments

I like the Rabbit joke, good job

The first one was really funny

I like the rubber over the cane joke

cheryl1: The first one was really funny

HeY bae. . . Where have you been?

Superstar007:

HeY bae. . . Where have you been?

My phone had a problem

cheryl1:
My phone had a problem

Good to have you back. I hope the problem has been rectified?