A Nigerian based in South Africa has expressed her view on the issue of having a fair share in the "parent-child-discord". The author reveals her odd relationship with her mum, asserting that a good number of Nigerian parents are the root of many evil-rooted thoughts of their children towards them.

Do Nigerian Parents Exert Too Much Authority Over Their Children?
By Folakemi Ibrahim

In light of the story about 21-year old Tolani Ajayi (pictured below), a student of the Department of History and International Relations, Redeemer University, RCCG Camp, Ogun State who killed his father on Tuesday July 3rd, I will like to share a little bit of my story to educate many parents on the dangers of abusing their power and authority over their children. I believe there are a lot of people with stories similar like mine will have the courage to speak out after they read my story, and they will also realize that they are not alone in their experience.

While the action of the RCCG student was despicable and evil, the truth of what led to it may never be known, but I believe there is an opportunity for a lot of people to learn from that unfortunate story about how parents can sometimes push their children to the extreme limits. While my experience did not end up a tragedy as that of this unfortunate young man, I believe it might have had the same underlying tone and pattern.

I am a 40-year-old successful woman who is based in South Africa. I’m happily married to a wonderful man and just had a bouncing baby girl. I have a good life and I love my life, but the only thorn in my life is my relationship with my mother. I grew up having a very toxic relationship with my mum, a relationship that soured after her divorce from my dad while I was a child. After the divorce my mother took all the children with her and for some reason singled me out by physically and emotionally abusing me repeatedly. She believed I had a lot in common with my dad, whom she hated with a passion.

I grew up in a home where my mother will call me various malicious names, and repeatedly tell me I will not amount to anything in life. She once told me she wishes she had aborted me when she was pregnant. I remember being chased out of the house as a teenager and left to sleep outside alone overnight for not properly doing house chores.

This toxic relationship endured into my adulthood. I grew up never having the opportunity to have all the beautiful things a relationship with one’s mother can bring; every time something great was happening in my life my mother was always there around the corner to “pour sand in it”. She went as far as cancelling my wedding a few times because I would not invite one of her friends to it. She has managed to destroy every meaningful relationship I have with all my siblings and extended family members by telling lies about me and going on a campaign of ensuring I am cut off from everyone. All attempts over the years by family members to show her that she was being malicious to me went on deaf ears. She spent most of the discussions denying everything and convincing everyone that I am a liar.

I have personally approached her on several occasions to see if I could get her to change but that also failed. Not too long ago she claimed that she came to visit my family and, since I was pregnant with my daughter and close to delivery, my mother was always around and almost destroyed my marriage by sowing seeds of discord between me and my husband. She went as far as gossiping about me with everyone that cared to listen. This included my friends and neighbours. It became so stressful for me that I couldn’t take it anymore. She did not even consider that I was heavily pregnant.

One fateful day I told her she had to leave out of my house and my life before she manages to destroy the best things in my life. Until she repents and realizes the errors in her ways, I was not willing to relate with her again. While it was disheartening for me to take that action it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Rather than repent, my mother ha again has gone on a campaign of letting her minions know that I “chased” her out of my home and that I’m so ungrateful after all she had done for me. Sometimes when you push a child to the wall you never know what they might do, while I could never dream of killing my mum, the anger and rage she evoked in me could have easily led me to a dark place, if not for the grace of God.

The general idea of a mother is someone who is nurturing and ever loving. My experience have been far from that. There are things my mother did that I cannot even add to this write-up. A lot of Nigerian parents do not know anything about parenting a child; their mentality is that you should raise a child the way your parents raised you. This approach involves flogging the child and abusing him/her emotionally, as one wishes; there is nothing systematic to it. While some of these children grow up and forgive their parents, even going as far as replicating their upbringing on their own kids, some realize that things could have been different and are willing to stop the cycle.

Do you agree with this author's point of view?

Source: naij.com

I agree with the author that several parents have wrong attitude to parenting

Hian!! What an evil mother. I thank God for my Parents.

Nigeria parents are heavy handed for sure.
If left alone,they want to control their kids even when they are married.

this zboyd is a feminist with an anti family agenda on nairaland. I advice y'all to always read her thread with caution . just have that feeling that she is always up to no good.
loooooooool

Is that buff the Op

I tot it was honour thy parent
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Op is trying to instigate some kids to fight there parents..... my Quran tells me to obey my parent wit respect to anything they ask me to do BUT, im free to disobey them if wot they re asking of me is to disobey my creator.

Too much

its part of our African culture jare....it builds the children

Yes

Nice write-up and I also sympathize with the groggy relationship with her mum.

But this all boils down to individual differences,because mothers and most especially African Mothers are very fond and caring to their children.

#word: Mothers are fonder than fathers to their children because they are more certain they are their own.

na wetin consign me?

Yes, if not for anything, my dad did...

No. Our situation does it all

zboyd: A lot of Nigerian parents do not know anything about parenting a child; their mentality is that you should raise a child the way your parents raised you. This approach involves flogging the child

WOW!!!!! So children should not be flogged again? This is one of the reasons why i don't like this website, they always post stories about extreme situations. Its always about one sided black or white stories. I guess its supposed to appeal to the simple minded.

The writer might have had a rough upbringing but does that mean that parents should now start a power sharing agreement at home with there kids?

The problem with people who grew up in identical situations like the writer is that they tend to swing to extremes when they become parents. It's either they become as harsh as their parents or tilt to the other extreme and become over-doting, over-permissive and over-loving just so that they don't become like their parents who they grew up hating. Either way, both extremes don't usually help in raising wholesome children.


Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod of correction would drive it away from him.
Proverbs 22:15

ChemicalMallam: Op is trying to instigate some kids to fight there parents..... my Quran tells me to obey my parent wit respect to anything they ask me to do BUT, im free to disobey them if wot they re asking of me is to disobey my creator.

Yes o. I hate when people try to spread there bitter experiences to the rest of the world and poison peoples minds. Why don't they keep there experiences to themselves and not poison us.

Besides, who actually knows exactly what happened in the author's family except for the two parties? One thing i have learned is that there are two (or more sides) to every story.

when i was younger i always believed my dad could hear my thought,cos he could read any fuqin facial expression......after God i feared him.
But it still didn't stop him from being cool and he always disgraced me in front on my sec school gate those days....

NEVER HAVE I SEEN A MAN CAPABLE OF TREATING ANYONE'S FUQ UP

There's a difference between an evil, malicious mother and a strict mother.

Atyms I just wished I wasn't born 2 nigerian parents, they like controlling even the private side of you..wished nigeria turns 2 that USA..wud av sued my parent 2 court for excess management

Flogging is a barbaric throwback to the slave days.

It also isn't that much of a deterrent anyway...

.

they believe dey are always right duh

if a child needs flogging, just to obey you... then ur child has spiritual issues. I was never flogged as a child but my mum could sit me down and rebuke me verbally. She was very strict but not a winch like the Authors mum.... Not every mother is a mother. You have mothers who want the downfall of their children, mothers who send their daughters to do prostitution, mothers who initiate their children into witchcraft, mothers who encourage their boys to sell drugs and occultism for the sake of aso ebi. But still the Bible tells us to honour ( respect them) the same bible also says for fathers and mothers not to provoke the children ( eph. 6:4, col 3:21) God is not stupid and cannot be mocked!

I agree wif d Op to a reasonable extent...
I remember a Man in area when I was a child..He was so strict and wicked that he changed women like cloths, and he doesn't allow them to go with their children when they leave his home.... He had jst one male child whom he maltreated so much that he draged him on the floor whenever he flogged him... The boy doesn't go to school until after 9:30am..... There was a time he cut this boy wit a knife and and even pressed him wif Iron...at some point d boy was planning to attack his father(which if he did wud make the front page of news papers)..d boy eventually left home for the street..he is nw 24yrs with no meaningful life and yet his dad still blames him for his misfortune... There are some nigerian parents that go too far.... My parents never flogged me and trust me, I am so proud of who I turn out to be.... There is no substantial prove that flogging ur child makes him/her a well behaved child... There shud be a limit to d way u treat ur child... Once a child is broken, it is only God that can fix such child....

Same Bible tells Nigerian parents NO TO UPSET their children to anger but just like "love your wife" is downplayed with "wives submit" so is "dont provoke your children to anger" downplayed with "children obey your parents"
The Bible is balanced let us not make it into some control manual

Ephesians 6 verse 4: And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

So sad reading the story, but notwithstanding parents are not the same i was brought up without much stress from either of my parents.

my p