If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people call it an ATM machine, don't they know they're really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ,

Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

laughed really hard

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

good jokes

nice again and i love ur name fergy

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time, right? Person 2: Yeah, today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Do you accept Visa?
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober,
Got any penicillin?

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
When is this supposed to feel good?

Did I remember to take my pill?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
No, really, I do this part better myself!
You're almost as good as my ex!

Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
Now I know why he/she dumped you,
You give me reason to conclude that pre-intimacy is overrated.
What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
I was so Hot tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper,

@ poster,
leave those questions for gab to answer

Stan, am warning you now. Dont you dey play me like this.

Anywayz sha, to answer your questions. Ehem! 

If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes cause the Robber go dress like Lagbaja everybody thought he be Lagbaja and come to do surprise concert

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cause the cake is a present for Gabry/Gabby. You know now, she be Queen of Cakes 

Why do people call it an ATM machine, don't they know they're really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Na ahhh. . . Its called Amebo, Take Money machine cause you all fit be Amebo's.




Ok, I hope that settles your confusion hia. 

that settles mine

nd mine

ok

nd what nxt

Good jokes there!

Guys do u know I've read virtually every joke @poster posted. . Today.
Sam milla posted everything here far back as 7 months ago when my id was still tope_teadr

U be vintage

what should we do about that

Uhm. . . Send him to Old Folks Home?

lolz

now thats the best option to take

lol

nope . . . is da best

what's with the kissing, do i look like roki to you

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

IS THAT PAPOOSE?

No its not. The answer be in my post above.

yeah look up dude