Hello all
I am new here and in need of some good advice. In nov 2013 i married my Nigerian husband (i am American). I have been very good to him and given him anything he has needed to survive and prosper. Saying i love him dearly is an understatement. As i love my husband as if he were part of me. We have had some issues mostly because of cultural differences.
I financially supported him for 8 months while his paperwork was processing to allow him to work here in the USA. Eventually his paperwork went through. He obtained employment but just 3 weeks later quit his job to return to Nigeria for his sister's wedding. I agreed to this because i understood the importance it had and i understood that his father was deceased and he is the oldest son. I understood there was a role he needed to fulfill to his family. I didn't like the idea that after months of assuming complete financially responsibility for our home i would have to continue longer nor the idea of him leaving for 3 weeks but i supported not just our bills but helped him finance his trip.
His trip almost destroyed our marriage as many things went wrong while he was gone. I had reached a point i had considered divorcing him but then i found out i am pregnant. He came back home and our life has went on.
Now 5 months later i found pictures of him and a woman. The comments told me they were getting married. Now i know for sure his sister got married when he traveled and i know for sure these pictures are him.
I have confronted and he has explained that he didn't marry the girl but only done an introduction thing to be able to pass from a boy to a man. However i found these pictures on Facebook from the girls page. Many things he is saying don't add up to the details of the pictures and situation but at the same time because of culture differences i know that there could be things i simply don't understand.
For days i have not slept ate worked nothing. The photos shocked me and upset me enough to go into preterm labor but fortunately i was given medication that has stopped labor for now. But this issue is driving me mad as i can't understand it. I don't know what to believe or who to believe. I have looked at my options and i can either divorce him or remain married. Either way if he didn't marry her or did he has cheated and defiled our marriage.
What do i do? How do i know what's true? How can i can restore peace of mind and happiness? How do i find truth? How do i know if he married her?

I believe I've answered you before.
I don't know what you are gonna do, but do not be deceived, the truth is bitter, you are the visa to his American dreams.

Sorry to be blunt. He just used you to get work permit and went home to marry a 'submissive' african woman.

How do I know? There's no place that requires him to have an introduction with a girl in order to pass from a boy to a man.
What is the girl's role in his reaching manhood?
That's a lie he told you because he knows you don't understand their culture.
Introductions are a prerequisite for traditional marriage. So that there is his traditional african wife whom he may bring over to the U.S. or not.
Just know that he has another wife in Africa

Sorry this happened to you.
But you will be fine.
Eventually.

And pls for your baby's sake and yours,take it easy,put to bed first and then decide what to do about it.

You know stress and anything that could lead to high blood pressure is not good for a pregnant woman. You don't wanna lose your life over someone who doesn't deserve it.
If you do he will just transport his african madam to come and reap the fruits of your hard labor.
Be strong now. You need it.

I sincerely appreciate the advice. I am not quit sure what to say as i was hoping that some how there would be truth for what he was telling me.

Wow.....

I doubt he told you the truth too. The thing about right of passage into adulthood is most likely false but to be sure, where is he from in Nigeria? This will help us explain this further as different parts of Nigeria have different culture (although none does introduction as a rite of passage)

What sort of comments came with the picture?

Like someone asked, are you close to his family members?

I read this https://www.nairaland.com/2085405/traditional-edo-wedding-introduction#29655352

I am sorry but he is married to her the traditional way. He probably used you to stay legally in the country.

I know this breaks your head and I cant say more than sorry. This is really sad

I am not real close to his family mostly due to distant. However he had introduced me to all of his family via skype and his sister that does live here we have a relationship.
He is from edo... Benin city
Yes he works but i am unsure if he has sent money home but i know he has not for sure for a couple months as i hold his bank card.
But in the pictures people were congratulating and blessing the marriage. His reason for this is because they assumed they would marry.
He has offered to cut all communication with all friends and family except his mother if i will not divorce him. He has called his mother over this issue in front of me. She wanted to speak to me but i refused to because well what woman calls themselves a Christian and praises god but then assists in something like this? But i could hear her say she is not your wife.
He also called the girl in front of me and wanted to know why she would use his last name and post the pictures. He offered me to speak with her but i figured for what i can't prove that's who was even on the phone....

If i knew how to post pictures here i would post them.

findingtruth:
If i knew how to post pictures here i would post them.

Underneath the submit feature you will see space and then "upload"

You might want to blur out the faces. Just for security reasons but it is your call though

findingtruth:
I am not real close to his family mostly due to distant. However he had introduced me to all of his family via skype and his sister that does live here we have a relationship.
He is from edo... Benin city
Yes he works but i am unsure if he has sent money home but i know he has not for sure for a couple months as i hold his bank card.
But in the pictures people were congratulating and blessing the marriage. His reason for this is because they assumed they would marry.
He has offered to cut all communication with all friends and family except his mother if i will not divorce him. He has called his mother over this issue in front of me. She wanted to speak to me but i refused to because well what woman calls themselves a Christian and praises god but then assists in something like this? But i could hear her say she is not your wife.
He also called the girl in front of me and wanted to know why she would use his last name and post the pictures. He offered me to speak with her but i figured for what i can't prove that's who was even on the phone....

I will like to believe that he is being truthful but I doubt it

Are these actual wedding photos or an introduction

Your husband married that lady

The second picture is the introduction while the first and third are pictures from a traditional wedding which counts.

Those are rites of passage into marriage not being a man.

Sorry....

Thank you

findingtruth:
Thank you

Err...he is probably going to deny this if you confront him because you don't know the tradition.

I don't know your hurt but I know it must feel like a knife to the back. Take it easy, you have a child to bother about which is more important.

Make sure you stay healthy to survive this and don't make spontaneous decisions.

Actual wedding photos! That's what we call traditional marriage.

obyrich:
Actual wedding photos! That's what we call traditional marriage.

And he had the nerve to lie on tradition.

Yep. He really got married. Don't believe whatever shyte his mom or any lady pretending or not pretending to be the wife says.
In fact some African ladies will be willing partners in this kind of deceit.

I know a dude from my area that did just the same thing. When he brings his American wife home,his African wife will pretend to be the sister who's living with them.

Some will keep their African wives in another city like Lagos and only take the American wife to see the parents in the village whenever they go visiting.
These two women will never cross paths and the parents will keep mum as long as they get what they want out of their abroad based son.

The American wife is their ticket to a better life and the low self esteem African wife will not mind playing second fiddle as long as her needs are met and she gets to answer Mrs somebody. That's like the highest achievement for them. As long as they are married anything else is secondary.
It doesn't matter who's ox is gored.

Then again some of them are truly innocent and will keep waiting and hoping for the year the husband will take them to America not knowing it will never happen as he already is legally married over there.

Pls save the pictures and use them to kick his sorry ass to the curb once you're fit and able to undergo the stress of legal perambulation.

Make him pay

Aww this is so sad. This marriage is legal and binding.. Cant blame the.lady too,cos he.was probably dating her.before leaving for the states.

He did date her before he left. 2 weeks before we married i found messages but he said she never done any wrong to him and was planning to let her fade herself out. I tried to be understanding as i did not want to hurt her either because i could understand loving someone and life going its own way. So i went forward with marriage with the understanding that he would drop communication and ties with her.
I only came across these pictures because i found an odd paper in his wallet that had a police report number on it. So i got on Facebook trying to see if he maybe had a facebook page with another name. So i searched his sister's page went to her friend list and i seen the name esther. Now i was curious as to who she was because esther was the name if the girl and right on her page was these pictures.

Additionally i emailed the girl before we married asking she have no communication with my husband so she is completely aware he is married.

So sad.... Men and deceit.

Sorry you were used.

Oh my God!

This is so heartbreaking, I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Be strong and take good care of your unborn child.

Sorry dear cos shot happens

Itz plain wickedness using ppl wrongly
I wish u dnt confront him now but quietly plan his downfall nd smile to him Wen he will b boarding his last plane to naija

Heartbreaking doesn't explain. I feel as if my soul left my body and all that is left is a beating aching heart.
But the support and clarity i am given tonight does not hurt me at all. The more i understand and know the more i feel like i can breath.
The information that is being given to me today only gives me faith that there is still some good left in this world and that god does allow the truth to be told.

findingtruth:
Heartbreaking doesn't explain. I feel as if my soul left my body and all that is left is a beating aching heart.
But the support and clarity i am given tonight does not hurt me at all. The more i understand and know the more i feel like i can breath.
The information that is being given to me today only gives me faith that there is still some good left in this world and that god does allow the truth to be told.

Yes, God allows the truth to be told, and He will give the strength and wisdom you need to overcome this.

Its sheer wickedness, what he did. But karma always has its way.

Be strong, and remember that there will ALWAYS be light at the end of the tunnel.

Take good care of yourself dear.

Kai we are wicked sha. The whole family even the girl will gather and lie to you because you are their bread and butter

Honey, he just got his green card, right? Well, save these facebook pages (screengrab, whatever) and get yourself to an Immigration Centre. Also, have all your taxes and bills to show you were supporting financially. Your man just committed Bigamy and last I checked, when you have a green card, they are pretty touchy over you committing a crime (you can lose it based on that).

He's used you to get a US Green card. And his family, his mother will lie on a bible (swear) that it's not true. People are desperate like that. Even the girl will lie. He will promise all sorts to keep you around him 3 years he needs to make that green card a US passport

This is sheer wickedness