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I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 11:35pm On Jan 28, 2015
To make a long story short
My boss and I are going to be at a meeting tomorrow to resolve a deep seated conflict.
It is a difficult place to be in
He has only been my boss for a year plus and from day one we didn't get along
Right from when I got offered my position and salary
He retorted angrily over the phone when I asked that the salary be adjusted upwards because I wouldn't accept a much lower salary than where I was coming from.He refused to listen and I had to contact someone else and eventually had some money added to that salary.
I guess he hated my guts after that and that was before he even met me.
Then a second incidence that sealed his dislike of me after I arrived to take up the job stemmed mainly from a rumor that I encouraged a fellow nigerian to apply and interview for his position when it was an interim position for him.
To cut a long story short,the Nigerian guy though clearly better qualified and accomplished didn't get the position and this boss and those supporting him are using subtle ways to express their wrath towards me and so far I have maintained my cool.

My impression is that he is not comfortable having a black woman and an intelligent one as a colleague
It had gotten to an extent where I needed to speak up and I did.
My evidence is well documented with dates and email and there is no denying it.

Here comes my dilemma

We will be together to resolve this but can you imagine being at a conflict resolution with your own boss?the man that is supposed to evaluate you and have your back?
We haven't even said hello to each other since this year,he avoids eye contacts and scampers off
That's how bad it is


I need words of wisdom how to approach this without being confrontational.i cannot afford to be confrontational.

I had a wonderful relationship with my former boss for almost a decade and I still have the notes and email he sent me for being a team player.we still collaborate on studies till this day.

I have gotten words of wisdom from hubby and friends
Now tell me yours or share your experience if you've been in a similar situation
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by 1miccza: 11:53pm On Jan 28, 2015
Well one thing is so pertinent from your write up and that's the fact that there's going to be a conflict resolution and you are most definitely going to face him my advice is be diplomatic with your words and answers and make sure that he doesn't have anything to hold against you at the meeting. I hope this helps..

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 11:54pm On Jan 28, 2015
It is very difficult to give you any advice since I don't know the kind of person your boss is and the information you have given us is not enough.

And since you are not even sure what the reason for his behavior is, I suggest that you first try to find it out.

Let him do the talking first and try to find out why he behaves the way he does by listening carefully.

Then apologize, if necessary, and let him know that you feel bad about the situation and ask him to give you another chance to start all over.

Maybe the issue is just the result of a misunderstanding or some rumors.

I hope you can solve the problem tomorrow and that you will feel relieved afterwards.

It's a challenge so face it and do it with lots of positive energy.

2 Likes

Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Emmyginger(m): 11:55pm On Jan 28, 2015
jst make sure u always maintain ur cool and be careful so u dont give in to his trap because he might av arranged one for u

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 11:57pm On Jan 28, 2015
What type of things has he done?


God has been gracious and I have excelled in the short time I've been here and gotten an award that I figure infuriated him
I have received letters of commendations from people I have worked on projects with and those letters were sent to his own Oga who forwarded them to him.
His own Oga has even sent me commendation and congratulatory email on my work that graced a journal recently.
What does my boss do?
Never a congratulatory word
He Downplays my efforts
Rating them low despite the awards and accolades
Accuses me of petty stuff,not being a team player

For instance ,Imagine asking a married woman with children to go on a 3 night trip out of town on a 48 hour notice when I had things planned
Then when I am unable to go ,he turns around to score that against me when those trips require agreement months in advance.
Stuff like that
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 11:59pm On Jan 28, 2015
If he's your chief as in senior consultant,wahala dey o cos he may go out of his way to make you miserable & even question your clinical decisions.I hope you document everything well well just incase.

For tomorrow, let him speak first,hear him out.Then clarify your position politely.If his issue with you is a racial one,there really isn't anything you can do except do your job meticulously and be cordial.

If his position is a long term one,start looking for a new job cos I don't know how happy you'll be working with someone who has issues with your race ie if that's what his true problem is.

Good luck

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:03am On Jan 29, 2015
Babyblues:
If he's your chief as in senior consultant,wahala dey o cos he may go out of his way to make you miserable & even question your clinical decisions.I hope you document everything well well just incase.

For tomorrow, let him speak first,hear him out.Then clarify your position politely.If his issue with you is a racial one,there really isn't anything you can do except do your job meticulously and be cordial.




Nne eh
I have been fasting and praying
It is the toughest battle to fight but when you are clearly being set up you have no choice but speak up
Thankfully I am a very thorough person and he cannot get me on my clinical judgements
Something interesting actually happened in the course of this
God watches out for his own
A lesion my senior colleague dismissed was followed up by me and ended up being a cancer in the early stages
And that happened in the height of this
So you can imagine how it is
This babyosisi again
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:06am On Jan 29, 2015
Last December can you imagine I was out on the schedule to cover 70% of the emergencies
I spoke up and asked why my schedule was overloaded and I believe the scheduler spoke with him and it was immediately changed
Things like that
Geared towards making me look like a whiny complainy person
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:08am On Jan 29, 2015
Every machination of the enemy to cause your professional downfall, I pray that they all fall down and die!

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:09am On Jan 29, 2015
babyosisi:


Nne eh
I have been fasting and praying
It is the toughest battle to fight but when you are clearly being set up you have no choice but speak up
Thankfully I am a very thorough person and he cannot get me on my clinical judgements
Something interesting actually happened in the course if this
God watches out for his own
A lesion my senior colleague dismissed was followed up by me and ended up being a cancer in the early stages
Ad that happened in the height of this
So you can imagine how it is
This babyosisi again

Thank God for you.Just keep on doing your job fastidiously and even if there's an error make sure you have enough reasons to justify the decision.
I'm sure he's waiting for one slip up to say eheeee.
Let the devil be shamed abeg.
I hope at least from tomorrow he will say his mind so there will be peace..
Chief wahala can be hell,especially being accused of not being a team player.Na that one de pain pass.
May God grant you grace and eloquence tomorrow

1 Like

Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:09am On Jan 29, 2015
CFCfan:
Every machination of the enemy to cause your professional downfall, I pray that they all fall down and die!

Amen o
I need to call my mother to pick up her MFM prayer books
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by baby124: 12:13am On Jan 29, 2015
Understand that this show of conflict resolution is likely a facade. Just play along while being open to any future sabotage. Don't let your guard down until you are fully convinced that his intentions are good towards you. This might take a while too. Go in and explain your thoughts on things clearly but also diplomatically and without shifting blames as this may be the nail in the coffin he has been looking for

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:14am On Jan 29, 2015
Babyblues:


Thank God for you.Just keep on doing your job fastidiously and even if there's an error make sure you have enough reasons to justify the decision.
I'm sure he's waiting for one slip up to say eheeee.
Let the devil be shamed abeg.
I hope at least from tomorrow he will say his mind so there will be peace..
Chief wahala can be hell,especially being accused of not being a team player.Na that one de pain pass.
May God grant you grace and eloquence tomorrow

A few weeks after I got this job,one of the top guys called me to his office
Told me he had seen my CV and experience and asked if I will be comfortable being a director of the particular section that was my interest area
It was great news for me,meaning more salary and responsibility too
He clearly told me the person directing it was incompetent and he felt I had the knowledge and experience to move that area forward
He then told me he would discuss it with my boss and get back to me
Till this day that was the last time that conversation came up
It looks like the man blocked that
But this is not part of my complaint about him because I can't prove this
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:17am On Jan 29, 2015
Now I hear his voice in the hallway lol
Work is over
I will wait for him to leave before I leave
We must not jam in the elevator
It will be odd grin grin
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:19am On Jan 29, 2015
Nawaaa ooo
Are you sure you want to continue working there long term?
If he's already started blocking progress,what other trap is he setting?

Be careful ooo my sister and jejely start looking for other options or do mfm disappear type prayers.

It's even worrying that it has escalated to the point of conflict resolution especially as he's your boss.Here ehh,if you make a complaint against someone senior the kind of bullying you'll experience ehhh hmmm.In fact,you will be forced to leave your job for your sanity.And its all these under gee bullying,nothing obvious.

I agree with baby124,Never let your guard down.Be very very careful what you say tomorrow.Take deep breaths before talking and think through carefully as it may even be another trap and not a genuine attempt to sort things out.
It is well with you

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Mathematical(f): 12:20am On Jan 29, 2015


ya oga case is highly subjective way of saying the two of you don't see it for personal reasons. If your boss is just a bad manager, you can functionally compensate for the issue . If your issue with your boss is one of personality, your job will require some perspective-checking on your part. Still, there are ways through both problems, but you're not going to make any headway at all if you're not clear on which issue, You have to adapt, adjust, and find a way to figure out your differences and move on ,
Your boss may or may not realize there is friction between you two. Once you've realized what's really bothering you, set up a meeting to discuss it. Find diplomatic ways to air your grievances, and keep emotions out of it. That way, you'll find that you have a productive discussion about your stresses.

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:23am On Jan 29, 2015
I will not leave this job because of him
That one is settled
I ain't going nowhere

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:24am On Jan 29, 2015
I would have advised u to resign, but that would be a big gamble to take in the current state of the economy.
Keep being diligent at place of work; he would have no choice but to treat you with dignity.

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:26am On Jan 29, 2015
Then you have to go MFM on his a ss.
It's possible that after tomorrow you both can be cordial and have professional respect for each other and that's all.

Career progression under him may be tough o.mfm is all he needs grin

1 Like

Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:26am On Jan 29, 2015
Mathematical:


ya oga case is highly subjective way of saying the two of you don't see it for personal reasons. If your boss is just a bad manager, you can functionally compensate for the issue . If your issue with your boss is one of personality, your job will require some perspective-checking on your part. Still, there are ways through both problems, but you're not going to make any headway at all if you're not clear on which issue, You have to adapt, adjust, and find a way to figure out your differences and move on ,
Your boss may or may not realize there is friction between you two. Once you've realized what's really bothering you, set up a meeting to discuss it. Find diplomatic ways to air your grievances, and keep emotions out of it. That way, you'll find that you have a productive discussion about your stresses.

He is not someone you can reason with
Follow my post
A man who got angry that I dared ask for a higher salary than I was offered when the money was not coming from his pocket
Is that a reasonable person
Your boss is supposed to advocate for you not block your progress
They ended up matching my last salary by authorities higher than he
you see,we got off on the wrong foot from day one
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Mathematical(f): 12:30am On Jan 29, 2015
CFCfan:
I would have advised u to resign, but that would be a big gamble to take in the current state of the economy.
Keep being diligent at place of work; he would have no choice but to treat you with dignity.

RESIGN BAD MOVE.. if she does such, then she give in more room for challenges to toll in her next job. .its always an adventure ma'am.


2 Likes

Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:30am On Jan 29, 2015
Babyblues:
Then you have to go MFM on his a ss.
It's possible that after tomorrow you both can be cordial and have professional respect for each other and that's all.

Career progression under him may be tough o.mfm is all he needs grin

That is my hope and prayers

Lol

If he refuses to see reason,I have no choice but to go spiritual
God has to intervene
I can't apologize for having a brain and using it
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:32am On Jan 29, 2015
Someone told me he feels threatened by me
I don't know if that's true
He is certainly more experienced and way older and has been at the place much longer
How could I be threatening to him
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:34am On Jan 29, 2015
I will brief you guys how it went
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Mathematical(f): 12:36am On Jan 29, 2015
babyosisi:


He is not someone you can reason with
Follow my post
A man who got angry that I dared ask for a higher salary than I was offered when the money was not coming from his pocket
Is that a reasonable person
Your boss is supposed to advocate for you not block your progress
They ended up matching my last salary by authorities higher than he
you see,we got off on the wrong foot from day one



Arrgh.. that's so frustrating.. I'd advice reporting to the company HR, Well that's if he's not everywhere...put him prayer, im no Stubborn reach luficer..

Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 12:41am On Jan 29, 2015
For those who fear the man could make them fire me
Fear not
By my contract,even if my boss and his boss decided to call me incompetent and fire me today,it won't be effective till almost two years
I have a good contract and enough time to look around
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Ewuro4: 12:58am On Jan 29, 2015
What's your complaint again, Workload? Your mates charge 12hrs with no paid OT or isn't that included in your job description and contract conditions?

As per conflict Resolution, you know the drill, don't coach him/ argue nor speak over his words or raise your voice coz yall are fond of that. Proof your competency first before claiming territories. He's YOUR BOSS.

I don't know what's wrong with people, you're fairly new and bringing new employees already . undecided

Good luck.

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Ewuro4: 1:05am On Jan 29, 2015
Babyblues:
Then you have to go MFM on his a ss.
It's possible that after tomorrow you both can be cordial and have professional respect for each other and that's all.

Career progression under him may be tough o.mfm is all he needs grin

grin grin grin

Naija Hian !!
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 1:10am On Jan 29, 2015
Or you might actually be at fault, but think you're not undecided
It's called conflict resolution, not 'proving-how-right-you-are' resolution
if you go there tomorrow with this your mindset, there's a high probability that nothing good will come out of it.
listen to him, put yourself in his shoes sincerely and be humble enough to admit your mistakes. You don't have to be the right one. cool

Goodluck!

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Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by cococandy(f): 2:28am On Jan 29, 2015
Robert Greens first law of power comes to mind.

NEVER OUTSHINE THE MASTER.

If you want to continue working with him, just stoop to conquer with him.
If you can possibly stroke his ego,by all means do so. Until he relaxes his fear of you.

Try to make friends with him seeing as he's the bridge between you and the bigger superiors.
Also make friends with his superiors if possible.
But don't make it seem like you're going above him to get favors as that will even worsen the relationship.

#mytwocents

4 Likes

Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by Nobody: 2:31am On Jan 29, 2015
cococandy:
Robert Greens first law of power comes to mind.

NEVER OUTSHINE THE MASTER.

If you want to continue working with him, just stoop to conquer with him.
If you can possibly stroke his ego,by all means do so. Until he relaxes his fear of you.

Try to make friends with him seeing as he's the bridge between you and the bigger superiors.
Also make friends with his superiors if possible.
But don't make it seem like you're going above him to get favors as that will even worsen the relationship.

#mytwocents
Nne, can u be my mentor?
Re: I Need Words Of Wisdom From Mature Nairalanders by cococandy(f): 2:41am On Jan 29, 2015
CFCfan:

Nne, can u be my mentor?
wait let me find my safiticate first. grin
I'm not yet kwalified

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