narrator[\b]
[b]andrew lazaar and peter morgan are sharing a bong
andrew lazaar high on reefer
*cough* *cough* grrrrr! I want an oscar real baaaaaaaaad!
peter morgan high on reefer
So why don't you shoot a slave movie like everybody else I hear that's how people get oscars these days
quentin tarantino
The slave-trend quota in hollywood has been filled buddie go find another lazy concept to board
andrew lazaar high on reefer
What about a movie about the days of segregation? When white dudes were even bigger jerks to black people
david oyelowo
Ahem! Oga park well o!
peter morgan high on reefer
Uh man what can we shooot?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Hey how about a movie based of the life of everyones favourite war hero chris kyle?
peter morgan high on reefer
Chris who now?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Chris kyle you know? That dude that killed 255 people in iraq
peter morgan high on reefer
a serial killer in the most controversial and unjustified military occupation ever been portrayed as a hero? Hells yea let's make that
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Yea man let get spielberg to direct it, perhaps people might eat this bullsh*t up like they did for private ryan
peter morgan high on reefer
brilliant
steven spielberg
Oh you want me to do a war movie? Okay I'll just get my dinosaurs ready
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No no dinosaurs in iraq
steven spielberg
Okay then I'll get my shark ready
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No sharks in this one spielberg
steven spielberg
What about big belly aliens with enormous heads?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No
steven spielberg
Okay then I bet I'll deceive everyone with an ensemble cast like I did in schindlers list
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Nope
steven spielberg
Then what the f*ck do I get to do in this movie?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
How about you do some real directing this time steven?
steven spielberg
Real directing? How do they spell that? Sorry doesn't exist in my vocabulary You know what? I'll pass
chris nolan
Hey I can do it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Yea right! When we need a director to give the audience a headache and make an aspirin company a sh*t ton of dollars, we'll give you a call
clint eastwood
I'll do it, nothing like a super violent movie to give you a good b*ner
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Okay you are hired so now who do we get as lead actor
bradley cooper
I'll do it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Anyone?
bradley cooper
Oh pick me pick me oh pick me
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Mathew McConaughey?
mathew McConaughey
Haven't recovered from chris nolan's latest headache interstellar
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Leonardo you up for it?
leonardo dicaprio
Do I get to curse every 1.5 seconds, drink a lot of booze and sniff a ton of crack and f*ck countless number of hookers while insulting the american currency in this movie?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Are you kidding? chris kyle is a broke navy seal who used to be a ranch dude
leonardo caprio
In that case NO
bradley cooper
Ahem
tobey maguire
I'll do it
bradley cooper
(Waving a tyre iron)
what you say?
tobey maguire
(Scurries off)
bradley cooper
So we were saying?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Dude I'm not going to hire a dude that played a racoon in his last movie
bradley cooper
I'll pay you for it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Why didn't you say so? Free labour no american can refuse that,You're hired!
narrator
Iraq, its Bradley Cooper's first mission and he is perched on a rooftop, scoping out the path of a US military convoy through his sniper rifle.
Yea man my first assignment I'm so excited I get to kill people and not get prosecuted for it this is the life
(He sees a man on a rooftop talking on a cell phone)
what's this? a generic arab terrorist with permission to kill? My day just got better
marine buddie
Slow down brad he may just be some arab trey songz singing birthday sex to his girlfriend
bradley cooper
Yea just happens to be doing that on a rooftop while watching an american military convoy
marine buddie
Dude we totally blew up their communication towers its a surprise they can even make phone calls right now
bradley cooper
Well tough t*tty he is arab he is suspicious that's good enough for me..... where the f*ck did he go? damn it my first lost!
marine buddie
Wo! Check out the booty on that arab chick downstairs walking towards the convoy
bradley cooper
lekwa! 17,18,19............ oh sh*t she's totally a terrorist and has handed the grenade over to her kid
command center
If that kid is innocent killing him will hook you up to a lifetime supply of prison r*pe so be careful
bradley cooper
Oh my God the dilemna I either let my fellow american soldiers die or I kill an innocent kid..........okay you know what screw it I can't even sell suspense on this sh*t the kid is obviously holding a grenade time to burst a cap in his brain
Ahem! Just to show everyone that I'm not some kind of sick f*ck who enjoys shooting people in the head,I shall now take you to some sort of disclaimer flashback.
To be continued.....

⁠
narrator
⁠The film cuts to a young bradley hunting with his father in the same tired old forest where hunger games and twilight were shot
young bradley cooper
*rolling eyes*Yea another cliched sniper background hunting with my douchebag dad story
clint eastwood
yea! Just like micheal bay f*cked up pearl habour, I just thought I make this movie miss its mark by turning it into a generic superhero/action movie infact I'm gonna rip the sh*t out of enemy at the gates which was a way better movie by the way
narrator
young bradley Shoots a deer
young bradley
Hell yea I just shot a f*cking deer in texas animal cruelty is how they know you are a man and accept you in the red neck tribe
ben reed
oh baby are you hurt? are you okay?
young bradley
O_o dad I'm standing right here I'm fine
ben reed
I'm not talking about you I'm talking about your gun why did you just drop it on the ground like that? You shall never have my love or approval now let's head to church for the next few scenes
narrator
so we see young brad and his family in church with his pocket bible in a failed attempt to make us "root for the bad guy" back at home young brad's born-again father tells a very weird story he ripped off of team america
ben reed
F*ck what they say in church there are three sets of people in this world the
D*cks(america's dissidents), the p*ssies(america's a*ss kissers) and the a*ssholes(america)
P*ssies don't like d*cks, because p*ssies get f*cked by d*cks. But d*cks also f*ck a*ssholes: a*ssholes that just want to sh*t on everything. P*ssies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can f*ck an a*sshole is a d*ck, with some balls. The problem with d*cks is: they f*ck too much or f*ck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a p*ssy to show them that. But sometimes, p*ssies can be so full of shit that they become a*ssholes themselves... because p*ssies are an inch and half away from a*ss holes. If you don't let d*cks f*ck a*ssholes, we're going to have our d*cks and p*ssies all covered in sh*t!
 young bradley and young Keir O'Donnell
Ew gross dad
Elise Robertson
I ought to wash your mouth out with soap honey
clint eastwood
Plus he totally said the truth about america and the truth ain't pretty so let's re-edit with some bullsh*t line which is just a hardcore way to say with great power comes great responsibility
ben reed
Ugh! Not that bullsh*t spiderman sorry a*ss speech again c'mon the speech isn't even that bad a*ss okay fine *rolls eyes*
There are sheep, wolves and sheepdogs in this world which one are you
young bradley
a sheep dog?
ben reed
What ever
narrator
next young bradley sees his little brother young Keir O'Donnell having his a*ss handed to him
young bradley
OMG a wolf?
doomed bully
No I'm just a small time bully I'm not a w......
young bradley
WOOOOOLF!!!!(Opens a can of whoopa*ss and viciously beats the bully to sh*t)
bradley cooper
So spiderman got his inspiration from hunting down an uncle killer, batman got his from league of shadow ninjas and I'm getting mine from kicking a kids a*ss on a play ground? Is this a metaphor for what america does to the middle east and africa?
ben reed
haha violent loser tendencies that's my boy, just a few racial comments and my boy would become a full blooded texan yeehaw
narrator
brad grows up to be a violent no count loser( surprise surprise) who rides bulls for a living
bradley cooper
Oh I'm a typical pre-superhero low life who has no compass for his life, wonder how my life can get any worse
(he goes home and finds a guy b*ning his chicks brains out)
bradley cooper
WOLF?!
doomed adulterer
no actually she didn't tell me she had a man so she's the wolf
skank girlfriend
Well you are a douche boyfriend that sex starves me and push me to any dude that buys me a beer so you are the wolf
bradley cooper
man f*ck this wolf business I need to knucklize someone tonight but I don't hit women( I only shoot'em in the brain) so unlucky dude that's gonna be you
narrator
bradley kicks the adulterer's a*ss around, then he does it again and kicks him out of his house of course with some knuckle sandwich to take home
bradley cooper
Oh no I've no idea what to do with my life
tv advert
Are you a no count loser?
bradley cooper
Yes
tv advert
Are you looking for an excuse to murder a f*ckton of people?
bradley cooper
Like yea
tv advert
Do you like to fight wars that make no sense?
bradley cooper
Oh my God I do
tv advert
then this is your lucky day join the american military today
audience
Oh my God did you just rip-off that katy perry video where she joined the army because her boyfriend cheated on her
clint eastwood
Good idea maybe I will rip off the boot-camp montage from the video and rip-off the richard gere/black dude stunt from officer and a gentle man while I'm at it
narrator
⁠bradley visits a US navy office and talks with the recruiter
bradley cooper
Ahem so I hear y'all putting up a team of murderers mind if I join your flock? fawgeve ma "corny" country attitude I'm texan and proud you see
Navy recruiter
Here's a pamphlet for the US SEAL programme you'll be doing some endurance exercises and some swimming
bradley cooper
Well I aint doing no swimming, we don't do no swimming back in texas so I don't do no swimming I'm texan ya hear?
navy recruiter
Oh well US navy seals is not for everybody
bradley cooper
Well I'll be damned I aint everybody I'm a rooting tooting marks red neck cowboy and I'ma cap me some A-rab brains because I love ma country terrible much and that tears me up something fierce partner(spits in trash can) so I'ma do this here navy SEALs programme thank very much
navy recruiter
reverse psychology works everytime
bradley cooper
Howdy there! I'm here to join em navy SEAL programme
 Leonard Roberts
The f*ck grandpa don't you think you are a little too late for that?
bradley cooper
Ha! I'm immune to your insults my douche dad ben reed prepared me for this sh*t ,I'm insult proof

narrator
⁠
⁠then we see bradley getting ready to be the american sniper by lying on some luxury beach with a river washing over him ,carrying logs over a river,getting blasted with a f*cking hose and basically just being around a lot of rivers
 Leonard Roberts
*barking* any of you thirsty
bradley cooper
Yes sir
drill sergeant
*barking* okay here you go grandpa(unleashes the whole of kanji dam on bradley's face)
bradley cooper
*barking* thank you sir may I have another For my alzeimers pills?
 Leonard Roberts
(Over acting) oh my God we have been searching for the harda*ss recruit who is not scared of getting wet oh we don't see people like you around here much #Respect
chris evans
Seriously even my captain america training was more interesting
generic drill sergeant
Time for some marksmanship evaluation
bradley cooper
Yea I shot and killed a deer once like a billion years ago that makes me an expert at this
 Leonard Roberts
Now rule number one keep one eye closed when using a long ranged rifle
bradley cooper
What about two eyes you might need the other eye to watch the hostile behind you, like a f*cking goat
 Leonard Roberts
You dare challenge my teachings? I shall lose my sh*t over such a mundane issue now drop on the floor and gimme 50
bradley cooper
(Proofs his badassery by Shooting an innocent snake) boo yuh!
generic drill sergeant[\b]
(Muttering) lil mr know it all(walks away)
[b]bradley cooper
Yee haw I just got into the navy SEAL and humiliated a black man now time to celebrate the way the red necks do it ;HEAD UNTO A BAR TO DRINK AND VOMIT AND PISS MYSELF because.......... Discipline can eat a d*ck
narrator
bradley heads into a pub where he meets Sienna Miller being a b*tch to every dude that approaches her Somehow this turns him on
bradley cooper
Howdy you ol cactus flower want me to buy you a drink?
Sienna Miller
Navy SEAL yuk! I hate them
bradley cooper
Why because they keep their army wives on their toes and subject them to early single motherhood/widowhood?
Sienna Miller
No because my sister dated one and he cheated on her
bradley cooper
Haha funny really what's your reason? Ugh! Really that's it?
clint eastwood
Ran into a wall there you can edit the script if you like
Sienna Miller
Anyway I hate navy SEALS and I don't wanna have anything to do with them so now let's do some shots so I can get st*pidly drunk and you can have your way with me
bradley cooper
well I was gonna roofy you up and date r*pe you, but this plan is a lot better,of course it has to be a cinnamon fire from 2006 even though this movie back dates to 2001
clint eastwood
Yea just wanted to add a lil science fiction just to spice things up so time travelling is allowed
narrator
then sienna miller gets sh*tfaced which kills the vibe and bradley has to cope with every guys nightmare PLAYING DOCTOR OVER BLUE BALLS
sienna miller
Oh lawd you took care of me when I st*pidly got drunk how romantic definitely a love story I'm gonna tell my kids I wanna be your widow
narrator
anyway for the sake of progress she hurriedly drops her guard and f*cking marries bradley[/b]
sienna miller
⁠oh wedding night so amazing
bradley cooper[\b]
Yea I'm having fun
[b]audience
we aint
US marine
well you are in luck america has launched a super meaningless war against iraq and bradley is required to go there to shoot some heads
bradley cooper
Time to progress with the story after this pointless flashback hoorah!
⁠bradley cooper
(Back in the present) wow! Fun times she wrote so where was I? (Blows kid's brains out)
narrator
female suicide bomber picks up the grenade and chases after the military convoy
bradley cooper
Two-in-one? Sh*t must be my lucky day(blows her head off too) yawn! Time to head back to base
To be continued.....

⁠narrator

bradley heads back to the base

fellow SEAL
Congratulations you just killed a woman and a kid from a hidden safe distance like a f*cking coward how do you feel?
bradley cooper
I feel like killing more kids and women from a safe distance like a coward oh man the rush, that's got to be adrenaline right? Shooting and killing defenseless people from a safe distance
fellow SEAL
yea either that or a severe case of schizophrenia I mean you are supposed to have no regrets about killing them not relish it and ask for more
bradley cooper
Whatever man time to head unto the store to get me a sh*t load of diapers for my next montage
narrator
bradley continues to provide stalking services for marine units who are going door-to-door selling "Oppression and fear cookies" to innocent civilians in an evacuated city
marine
Hey innocent civilian we swore to protect, how about putting your life at risk by telling us the location of al Qaeda leader named  Mido Hamada.
innocent civilian
Nope I think i'll pass
marine
Second question are you a terrorist? We are actually racial-profiling arab males of military age as a threat because that sh*t never gets old
narrator
meanwhile bradley cooper is taking piss and sh*ts on himself
bradley cooper
ah! Nothing feels better that pee touching my skin, (blows the brain of an iraqi whose only crime was "looking suspicious"
6 arab brains spilled so far , more than other serial killers combined which is deeply disturbing and should be looked into but hey, human right watch can eat a d*ck ,phew! it doesn't get better than this.
narrator
his wife calls
bradley cooper
Wow my wife is calling time to give up my position by answering my phone which is supposed to be for official purposes only? Anyway,(answers the phone)Oh right you are still in this movie
sienna miller
So how is iraq?
bradley cooper
Oh iraq is super, the roads are paved in kit kats and they give you lollipops just because it's wednesday
sienna miller
Are you sure? Cause I actually watch the news and that's not what they say
bradley cooper
Uh!(Changes subject) I heard you are pregnant who is the father?
sienna miller
You of course, you are a f*cking sharp shooter remember, what the f*ck is wrong with you?
bradley cooper
nothing just a foreshadowing of the Post traumatic disorder to come, its gonna be EPIC!
sienna miller
Perhaps I should start unleashing my b*tchiness by whining about building a baby crib which obviously all american men seem to like doing with their nagging pregnant wife and totally don't find an excuse to skip it
bradley cooper
What's that baby sorry can't hear you I have to leave my totally safe hiding place so you can hear horrifying death squeals and sh*t ton of gun fire
narrator
bradley joins the marines on the ground

marines on ground
holy sh*t what are you doing here? Who is watching our a*sses?
bradley cooper
Uh dude chill out its just a movie, you should be happy the dude from guardians of the galaxy is kicking it with you guys so how about waving guns at innocent civilians and asking questions?
narrator[\b]
[b]threaten an innocent family at gun point
bradley cooper
not only am I an excellent sniper, I'm also an expert interrogator now tell me where Mido Hamada is
innocent civilian
I will tell you where he is but I need 100 000 dollars in exchange
bradley cooper
a hundred what? What you wanna do with that kind of money?
innocent civilian
O_o are you kidding me I live in a blown to sh*t fortress don't you think I want a better life?
bradley cooper
alright I can get you your money, you can trust me I only come from the country that imposed a ruthless dictator on your country and then blew your country to sh*t just to get rid of him
narrator
bradleys truck is attacked by  Sammy Sheik and at the same time alqaeda abducts the innocent civilian and his son
bradley cooper
*shrugs* oh well we tried to care

Mido Hamada
(Grabs the innocent civilian and his son)
I used my super hearing to find out that you snitched to the americans I learnt this from miami vice this is how to kill snitches(drills and shoots them to death) lemme guess another failed attempt to make bradley look like the good guy right? F*cking hollywood(walks away)
narrator[\b]
[b]bradley returns home and tries to adjust to normal life
sienna miller
Dude did you just sh*t your pants
bradley cooper
Oh my bad I thought I was still in iraq
sienna miller
Why are you eye-humping that lady across the road
bradley cooper
Not eye humping just monitoring her to see if she is a terrorist and that stroller is made of a sh*t ton of C4
sienna miller
Dude did you just scream TAKE COVER before c*mming during sex
bradley cooper
My bad I thought we were r*ping a defenseless iraqi woman
sienna miller
Are you watching a horror flick?!
bradley cooper
Its just a boot-leg video of how sammy sheiks kills people and records it so he can sell it on the streets
sammy sheik
Yea because I'm a sick motherf*cker or maybe I'm just killing american soldiers/invaders and I'm selling it on the streets to finance a good cause and give my people hope? anyway this plays out man it doesn't beat your shooting a woman and her child
bradley cooper
Whatever!
To be continued...

sienna miller
*Whine*b*tch*moan* dude you got to lemme in on your war trauma
bradley cooper
No I can't do this
sienna miller
Why? Because you don't wanna hurt me?
bradley cooper
No because this is a super cliched movie with super cliched melo-drama come on we see this in cop movies, war movies even super hero movies when will hollywood change this sh*t?
clint eastwood
hey if it ain't broke don't fix it
narrator
next we see bradley lying to an obsterician
obsterician
So how are you doing brad?
bradley cooper
I'm good you know what I mean?(Nose sprouts like pinnochio)
obsterician
Really? But your blood pressure is as high as a f*cking kite, you hardly sleep and you just flipped out on your wife about how everyone doesn't give a sh*t about the war in iraq
bradley cooper
I'm fine(more nose sprout)
sienna miller
Can I get into your head now?
bradley cooper
oh my Gosh! NO! Jeez why is everyone on my sh*t all the time? You wanna get into something how about going into labor
sienna miller
*rolling eyes* fine
narrator
sienna gives birth to a baby boy
bradley cooper
Seriously? A plastic baby? Come on are we that cheap that we can't at least make a CGI baby or just get a random kid from the street damn!(Scurries off to iraq)
⁠
narrator
bradley "coincidentally"bumps into his brother who is on his way home
bradley cooper
Hey bro what's up?
Keir O'Donnell
*scowls* children,sand, sandals,hijab
bradley cooper
Wow two crazy kids I bet our parents must be really proud of us
Keir O'Donnell
Man f*ck america
chris kyle
what you say?!
Keir O'Donnell
Er f*ck this country. I meant to say
⁠narrator
so bradley coopers earlier convoy protector plot has been successfully abandoned and now he leads a team of stereotypical buddie-buddie soldiers
mark
I regret this war
bradley cooper
Well we are defending our families who are a million miles apart by making them fatherless hence going through a life of pain and bad decisions which will eventually kill them anyway
mark
Yea that's right*slaps his face* snap out of it let's go bully another innocent family hoorah!
narrator
they burst into another family home to once again threaten their lives into giving information about mido hamada
bradley cooper
where is mido hamada? where the f*ck is he? I heard he is in the building next door?
NOT terrorist
Uh if you actually know his location then what are you shaking me up for?
bradley cooper
Sorry about that man I'm just hungry
NOT terrorist
Wait a minute! You guys burst in here for a free meal?
bradley cooper
Yep our big-mac budget has been spent on another f*cking hellicarrier we don't need
NOT terrorist
Hey its a holiday why don't you join me and my family for dinner in our terrorist safe house surely that's a good idea
bradley cooper
An even better idea that you didn't poison our food or spike our drinks
NOT terrorist
loooool! You are so funny(taps son exposing his really gross elbows)
bradley cooper
(Thinking :Hmmmn super-gross elbows must mean he is a terrorist) ahem! Excuse me take the typical hollywood movie excuse"can I use your restroom" which is a code for can I search the f*ck out of your house
NOT terrorist
Ok just be sure not to check over the
⁠hidden compartment on the floor that says "don't look in this room"
narrator
bradley searches the house
bradley cooper
Yeah f*ck you amnesty global(finds gun compartment) jackpot
narrator
bradley approaches the host
bradley cooper
So mr. Host I just found a bunch of guns under your house.
NOT terrorist
That's not mine you guys planted it there
bradley cooper
Planting evidence? Nah! That's FBI sh*t we Navy SEALS just shoot suspicious looking people and barf on their corpse
NOT terrorist
Ugh dammit! You got me so I guess you are going to...........
narrator
force their host to get into the building under surveillance the best way the SEALS no how to AT GUNPOINT a dude opens the door to bradley's host
Bradley cooper
ding dong motherf*cker(blasts the door opener's head without finding out if he is a hostage, a friendly or a dude undercover/duress)
NOT terrorist
grrrr! You just shot my brother now I shall try to shoot soldiers I can't see because I have saw dust for brains(he does so and gets shot)
mada hamido
Yaaaaaawn!(Escapes)
To be continued.......

mido hamido
Muahahahahahahaha bradley cooper we shall meet again(zooms off in his iraqi get away mobile)
bradley cooper
Damn it he has escaped again,i've failed again, democracy has been delayed,the iraqi people will no longer be liberated, i've looked at the enemy in the mirror and its me i've......(Looks at watch) oops tour is over have fun getting your heads blown by sammy sheik
narrator
back in america bradley and his son are chilling at an auto shop when a young marine dude shows up
young marine
Hey you saved my life i'm eternally grateful
bradley cooper
*scowls*
young marine
Hey kid your dad is a hero american bullies in iraq are safer thanks to him.
bradley cooper
What an irony cause i look like i'm few inches away from freaking out and murdering my family kandahar style
young marine
Don't worry my friend there's light at the end of the tunnel for behold the SPOILER: you shall cure your post traumatic stress by working in a VA clinic till then see ya
narrator
bradley is still trying to adjust to america's p*ssy lifestyle
bradley cooper
WTF where's my shot gun why did you scream so loud honey? And why am i n*ked?
sienna miller
Dude i just had an orgasm c'mon we were just having sex
bradley cooper
Oh my bad its just that loud sounds scare me
sienna miller
So you wanna tell me what happens in iraq?
bradley cooper
You wanna f*ck yourself with a cast iron?
sienna miller
*rolls eyes* you know what i don't understand is how soldiers still have post traumatic stress disorder till now? Its been over 40 years since vietnam they have created remote controlled airplanes but they can't create a drug or facility to prevent/cure post traumatic stress?
⁠
⁠
bradley cooper
would you just drop it? is that all you do in this movie?
sienna miller
Yea nag you about the war and give birth to plastic kids so lets skip to the nursery already
narrator
sienna miller gives birth to a girl and for some reason they allowed a Psychotic navy seal into the infant nursery because "them no like themselve" for yankee
bradley cooper
Oh my kid is crying i can see the nurse taking care of another kid but i shall lose my sh*t anyway and freak out on the nurse because TAKE ME TO A HOSPITAL ALREADY
sienna miller
you are cheating on me with iraq you are f*cking it and tearing it up while i stay at home and build memories alone with the kids
bradley cooper
I'm so not cheating on you(phone rings) er i got to go
sienna miller
Iraq again?
bradley cooper
Ira who?(Walks away to go f*ck iraq some more)
narrator
back in iraq Jake McDorman and bradley are having some team bonding time
Jake McDorman
I just bought a cheap a*ss ring to propose to my girlfriend
bradley cooper
Shut up
Jake McDorman
What?!
bradley cooper
Haven't you read the hollywood cliche book? Chapter 25verse 13-14 "you can survive any battle in a war till you start talking about your girlfriend back home"
Jake McDorman
Really? So if i say i'm gonna propose at the airbase?
bradley cooper
Dude shut up
Jake McDorman
What if i told you i've got a mortgage and we are gonna live happily ever after?[/b]
bradley cooper
Oh for f*ck sake(walks away)
sammy sheik
my terrorist senses just picked up a happy american there is nothing i hate more than a happy american(shoots Jake McDorman in the f*cking face)
Jake McDorman
Oh that's what you were talking about(collapses)

To be continued.....

Looool guy why don't you do for nollywood

Luke Grimes
Grrrrr! Sheik shot my friend? Oh its on now i shall water board him with his beard i shall negotiate some bullets into his head i shall grind his bones to make my bread hey that kind of rhymed
sammy sheik
Yawn!(Kills luke by sneezing on him)
bradley cooper
Oh come one(scurries off to America like a b*tch)
narrator
bradley is still freaking his family the f*ck out
bradley cooper
freak out.... freak out.... Freak the freak out
sienna miller
Is it time to open up to me about the war?
bradley cooper
Hey look over there an iraqi rebel(jumps out of window)
⁠
⁠narrator
bradley goes to visit his friend  Jake McDorman who was shot in the face earlier
bradley cooper
Hey buddie how is it going?
Jake McDorman
did i tell you i got my girlfriend a ring from zale and we are going to live happily ever after in Bermuda?
bradley cooper
dude! Did you learn NOTHING from last time?
Jake McDorman
What? Its not like sammy is here to kill me
anasthaesia
i'll finish sammy's job for him
sammy sheik
thank you brother i owe you one
narrator
bradley is still being a d*ck to his family
sienna miller
you're cheating on me with iraq i know it
bradley cooper
No i'm not
sienna miller
Yes you are you f*ck with iraq at evey chance you get while i'm just here flying solo
bradley cooper
Honey i promise i'm not holy sh*t! I just realized iraq is a lot more attractive and exciting than you, she's got a bigger BASE she's got BOMBS and she allows me to f*ck her anytime and anyway gosh i love iraq
sienna miller
I hate it when men cheat its a common hatred in our family
bradley cooper
(eye humping Iraq)
sienna miller
fine go to iraq see if i care and just so u know u're coming back to an empty home when you return
bradley cooper
(Making bradley loves Iraq lockets) *snaps*sure thing honey i'll take out the trash
narrator
bradley and his team have recovered the original movie plotline as bradley is once more providing stalking services to the US marine, some dude charges with a grenade launcher and bradley shoots him in the head
bradley cooper
*rolling eyes* to think they should've learnt by now
narrator
a little kid picks up the weapon
bradley cooper
What's this? a child to kill? Man you don't get them like this anymore
audience
What's this comic relief? The grenade launcher is obviously too heavy for the kid to carry and you are still gonna shoot him anyway?
bradley cooper
He is arab he is guilty now shut up while i take another hit on a kid from a safe distance
narrator
arab kid drops the grenade launcher and bolts
bradley cooper
Oh barnacles you see what you did? made me miss that kill
micheal buffer
On the red corner with a countless kill of american soldiers from a thousand yards and an olympic gold in sharp shooting not to mention making brad his b*tch three times already give it up for sammy sheik the Iraqi sniper
And
On the blue corner having a total kill of 255 people including women and children,he is a lousy husband and a scary as f*ck father its bradley cooper the america sniper
⁠
Llllllllllllllllllllet's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllle
narrator
bradley and his team take their positions
bradley cooper
Mango orange what's your 10? Purple pineapple watch your 12'0'clock yeah i guess just saying a couple of rubbish makes my role as a navy seal believable
narrator
sammy sheik is in early lead as he pins down bradley with sniper gun fire
bradley cooper
oh come on gimme a break i just got here!
narrator
now the navy seals are getting on the offensive as they seem to have pinned down sammy sheik
bradley cooper
i'm gonna twist your sh*t up mr sammy sheik hoorah!
narrator
but sammy sheik give them maradona as he starts shooting from another angle
sammy sheik
peek-a-boo motherf*ckers! hey why do i suck all of a sudden? i mean i've been shooting since and i haven't hit a thing
bradley cooper
Uh i think i just spotted sam
brad's unit
From 2000 yards with a gang full of arabs downstairs you're kidding right? Please stand down our p*ssy wagon is on its way and we'll rather not wake up murdered at the end of this tour
bradley cooper
S-T-A-N-D-D-O-W-N spells take him out ok
sammy sheik
From 2000 yards? yeah right when you aren't some kind of james mcavoy from wanted
bullet
eat lead you Arab dead shot
sammy sheik
Ooooooooooooooouch! Really? For the love of God its a biographic movie how am i getting killed from over 2000yards? Can bullets even travel that far?
clint eastwood
you underestimate the power of hollywood's desperation to make a buck syndrome
⁠sammy sheik
Erk!(Dies)
bradley cooper
Yes yes yes yeeeeeeees! *singing* we are the champions my friends and we will keep on fighting till the end oh sh*t i forgot about the insurgents down stairs, quick let's take cover under this sand storm that should protect us, wow this sure is the best time to call my wife
sienna miller
Hello?
bradley cooper
*singing* i'm coming home coming home tell the world that i'm coming home let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday(gets shot in the back and is abandoned by his b*tch made team) oh come one really?! This was supposed to be my moment
narrator
with a mortal bullet wound, dehydration and poor health conditions, bradley dies in iraq
bradley cooper
psyche! My p*ssy wagon actually did stop for me and the iraqi insurgents were nice enough to go blind on the whole thing
To be continued......

friendlyadvice:
Looool guy why don't you do for nollywood

U wan blow op head ni? Naija film wey go get up till part 10 op go just frustrate

friendlyadvice:
Looool guy why don't you do for nollywood

yay! It's good to be back to on nairaland
Them wan use work kill person no time to slouch back on the lazy boy and type my swing misses
i don even forget say na american sniper i still dey do

Funny as usual

Csami:
Funny as usual

Sup?! How life?

Csami:
Funny as usual

Why you dey whine the guy

I liked the movie though bradley cooper killed it

brothers:


Why you dey whine the guy

how dare u?
My friend kneel down there

severee:


Sup?! How life?

Life just dey, which movie be next?

brothers:


Why you dey whine the guy

I resemble person wey dey whine?

Csami:


Life just dey, which movie be next?

looking forward to the flow of blockbusters this year
-avengers
-dawn of justice
-spectre
-hitman
-antman
Na that time i go reload ammo cos i know say hollywood is ever ready to dissapoint

severee:


looking forward to the flow of blockbusters this year
-avengers
-dawn of justice
-spectre
-hitman
-antman
Na that time i go reload ammo cos i know say hollywood is ever ready to dissapoint

Abeg guy go sleep this guy is so misleading i watched gone girl and it was super awesome and u just made it look like shit i even thought it was a comedy na wa o i no go dey answer u again sef

narrator
the coopers hold a family barbecue because yea we should celebrate the return of a crazy person in the house rather than take him to a hospital
sienna miller
Hey bradley wanna join the party?
bradley cooper
No thanks my favourite tv show is on
sienna miller
dude the tv is off
bradley cooper
Shhh! I'm trying to watch, this show is a real knee slapper
sienna miller
seriously? we are stealing jokes from no other than patrick star blank tv gag from spongebob?man i guess clint eastwood thought of everything
narrator
bradley sights a dog playing with a kid in a d*ck way and loses his sh*t
bradley cooper
(Zooms in face) WOLF?
doomed dog
Hey take it easy brad i'm just a do......
bradley cooper
WOOOOOOOOLF!!!!!!!!
narrator
bradley takes off his belt and prepares to r*pe the dog or something when sienna shows up and scream in horror because in hollywood movies that solves eeeeeeeeeverything
dog
F*ck how many "wolves" does he have to r*pe before you consider taking this nutcase to a hospital?
narrator
bradley FINALLY sees a doctor
⁠
doctor
Congratulations son you've have broken the record of mass murder you are now ahead of charles manson and hannibal lecter
bradley cooper
Yea i kinda have wikkipedia for that. you are a doctor so be a doctor
doctor
Well said so.......*smack* why have you been freaking out on your family? Come on talk to daddy
bradley cooper
I'm mad that i couldn't save more american lives that's right people
if you were expecting a heart felt apology from america for blowing iraq to sh*t and killing a f*ckton of iraqis
You can officially go f*ck yourself
doctor
I see well why don't you surround yourself with crippled soldiers and their sob stories perhaps when you are filled with so much depression and regret, you'll feel better in no time
bradley cooper
Really? Cool
narrator
bradley takes the soldiers on a field trip to a shooting range because they are totally pre-schoolers
pathetic soldier
Oh my sh*t i hit a target standing still wow i feel like a man just look at my huge b*ner
narrator
Brad has anticlimatically cured his post traumatic stress and he is now a good and boring father
⁠
bradley cooper
hey son you ready to go hunt and kill innocent animals? Yea animal cruelty is a family legacy you pass from generation to generation
sienna miller
i'm proud of you for getting yourself and making us a generic hollywood happy family
bradley cooper
Yea that's me hollywood flounders
Hey some marine nut cases mom gave me a call to help her son do Come to think of it i don't know what i'm doing for this kid
sienna miller
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH NO ONE VISITING A HOSPITAL IN THIS MOVIE?
narrator
bradley cooper meets with a dude who looks like he is tripping balls
bradley cooper
Goodbye honey my offscreen death awaits
sienna miller
What?
bradley cooper
I mean i won't be late i will be back soon to ride unto the sunset with you and live happily ever after O f*ck why did i say that i'm going to die for real aint i?
audience
hmm the exact way abraham licoln vampire slayer ended? Way to go clint
clint eastwood

narrator
bradley is killed offscreen by a nut case isn't that an irony?
Anyway americans mourn while its a f*cking party in iraq i guess the movie had a happy ending
End