I need some insight before i make a hasty decision. My fiance is Nigerian (Yoruba), christian, with papers. He is well Americanized to a certain extent but his culture values still exist. We have been together for 5 on-off years( a lot of growing up b/w us, not all bad) . No, i have not met his parents. They(parents) are not in the states and they have only visited once when we first starting dating. Through out our relationship he never talked about his family even when i would ask about them. He could call on my family at any time.

He is an awesome guy. We have a great time together with everything we do. We are very positive and keep Christ into our relationship as much as possible (we are not saints, lol). We both have made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship and we both have learned a lot. The love and the commitment is solid. He proposed to me a couple months back (fairy tale Grin). I recently just found out that the family is not all accepting of him marrying an African-American Girl. Hence, they do not know me at all.He wants to hold planning until he goes home in a month and talk with his parents. He wants them part of our future. He is trying to please everyone. I have explained to him that I would never want him to choose between his family and me. Its just not fair. I love him too much to have him go through this pain. Family first, bottom line.

I don't want to be married and have this negative impact over my future husband and future kids. I partially take blame for this maybe 30%. If family is so important to me, why did I allow him to deny me the rights to get to know his family There is a lot more that I can write in this posting but it becomes draining when i write too in depth about the situation. If you have any questions to get more insight on this situation, just ask me. I'm not doubting the person I love. I want to know what you all think of this, from your culture background being Nigerian. Its so sad that this is a big issue.

Based on what you've stated, I'd probably advise against marrying that dude. Seems like he's carrying too much luggage. And you say he's Yoruba hah? Hummm, very interesting. I'd be careful sista. I'm an African-American guy, and would hate to see another one of my lovely ladies duped by another shifty Yoruba guy. So many times I've heard from fellow AA sistas like you, in person and on this and other Nigerian boards complaining about how some shifty Yoruba guy played as though he loved them, got married and had kids with them, and they bought a home together, and this that and the other, and then out of nowhere the dude up and disappears back to Nigeria to be with some other wife he had tucked away back there, taking with him the families money and other possession.

You say, he's stated to you that he had to go home, back to Nigeria, to talk with his folks over your plans, ey? Yeah, sounds like a typical slick move, be sure that he's not sliding off to go and settle things with a wife and kids he's got holding out for him back in Naija, as is often the case with these such situations. Anyway, you obviously don't have to take my advice on this issue, but whatever you chose to do, please chose wisely. I'll pray for you.

Honestly KB. He have a choice, there is no shifty in this situation because i'm not forcing him to get involved. I'm not naive and I'm fully aware of what goes on over there. I've been told such stories by him and his friends. Its either a matter that he is unsure if he is ready or wants to please his family which is clearly understandable. I'm just trying to be patient, doing my duty, the verdict will come. I know for sure that he has no kids over there nor a wife. But i'm sure that his family have some wives lined up for him to marry.

another 'yoruban' is about to strike! hehehehe.

btrue:

Honestly KB. He have a choice, there is no shifty in this situation because i'm not forcing him to get involved. I'm not naive and I'm fully aware of what goes on over there. I've been told such stories by him and his friends. Its either a matter that he is unsure if he is ready or wants to please his family which is clearly understandable. I'm just trying to be patient, doing my duty, the verdict will come. I know for sure that he has no kids over there nor a wife. But i'm sure that his family have some wives lined up for him to marry.

Whatever you say, sis. It all sounds fishy to me, and my instinct tell me that he's playing game. By the way, there's no way that you can possibly know what the heck he's got back home in Nigeria. How do you know for sure that he's not married with kids already; you couldn't of checked his records because they rarely if at all, keep such records on federal file there for you to access, and even if his records just so happened to be on file the chances of you being able to get them via computer or any other source is pretty much a non-existent chance.

Don't be foolish, please check more into this guys intentions and background before you make such hasty moves. His friends are not reliable sources of information about him, many of these guys prey on AA women like you for all sorts of alternative means, not just for papers. They'd play the madly in love game out for years if that's what it takes to achieve what they're after and then out of the blue-- they plit on you as if you were nothing.

ok. I see your point but what would be his gain. He has been here for over 10 years. He is a citizen. He has a great job and for sure he will not leave his position unless, God forbid, the company goes under, which i do not see in the near future. I'm super independent and so is he. He does the things that any normal boyfriend does and I do the normal thing a girlfriend is expected to do. So, aint no pimping here. He for sure do not want to go back to Nigeria to live. As far as my sources goes about me knowing that he is not married nor has kids is solid. That's no longer up for discussion. If anything, my eyes should be open about him thinking of bringing someone here. But he could have done that years ago. Why would he go out and buy 2.5 carat ring? If I was unsure or had fishy plans I would not go out and spend my money. Would youAnd why are you on here?? Do you date Nigerian women?? or men Is your step-father Nigerian What's your relationship here with Nairaland?

Whats with all the yoruba this and that   . . . you couldn't have possibly met enough yorubas to establish such stereotype, just as theres no way i could possibly meet enough african-americans to conclude that most of them are gang-bangers. I'm yoruba, and I hardly know of such reputation. May God forgive you.

@ poster: Just pray, be patient, and be really careful. If you can't get to know his background, then you are going nowhere.

Sammy, I have no problems with Yoruba people, unfortunately I ended up in this situation. That's why I was asking KB what is his relationship with Nigerians because all he is doing is bad talking and not giving facts. I would prefer to have a person that knows, from the Nigerian/Yoruba culture. I do appreciate him looking out for me but I'm a grown woman, and my head is on pretty straight the last time i checked. And spoilt, what exactly will he be striking, haha, really? This is pretty amusing because this is not the typical, dumb american girl w/low self-esteem, that has a Nigerian guy with no papers who controls me and take my money. That's not the case sir, so Please explain yourself spoilt

btrue:

And spoilt, what exactly will he be striking, haha, really? This is pretty amusing because this is not the typical, dumb american girl w/low self-esteem, that has a Nigerian guy with no papers who controls me and take my money. That's not the case sir, so Please explain yourself spoilt

You're not? Phewww!!!!! Thank goodness. Thank God! Jesus you are good. We will be spared another demented thread being started by a sobbing heart broken girl.

Ok now let me put myself in his shoes. If i fall in love with an aa, and I get engaged, my family would have some reservations- mostly because of the prejudice that AAs would most likely be disrespectful and cultureless (which of course is outright wrong). A guy like me- and most likely like your fiance- have very close ties with family, and owe everything to them; and I would be in a serious quandary having to choose between you and them. I honestly wouldn't know what to do; I'll just keep trying to persuade my family as to how much you have character and values, and how being an AA has nothing to do with personality. I know one thing though: it would be extremely difficult for me to go ahead with that marriage if i don't have the slightest go-ahead from my family; and it has nothing to do with being weak, its just how much I owe them. I say you stay really close to him right now; give him every reason to try to make it work. That marriage wouldn't work if he has to choose you over his family, cos he'll spend everyday pointing at reasons why he shouldn't have done that.

Spoit No, i'm not sour heartbroken. i'm just trying to get clarity before I break someones else heart when this could be a matter of genuine intentions. Possibly a matter of him stepping up to his family. If I chose to step out of this engagment, of course it would be sad but life goes on. I've just never been a quitter and there is love here.

btru thought bout visiting nigeria?

I see this welfare loving akata gay has started his madness again.

btue, ignore Yoruba hating gays like KB1 if you know what's good for you. Let him deal with the family stuff and go from there

Thanks Sammy Your advice is well taken  . For I have been very patient and standing by his side during this trying time. It gets very frustrating because after courting for all these years you would think that he would have put word in there ears before shopping for a ring. Right? It just make things a little more complicated after you have announced such a life alteration. My parents are still together, raised me right. I can say, despite the stereotypes some Americans have on Africans, and for my fiance to be a Man to tell my father the situation, they still accept him.

Like I said, i do understand if we chose to get married that it will be a negative impact throughout our marriage. I don't want that. I would totally accept that he wants to grant his family wishes, we will be the one hurting in the long=run, including our future children.

I've been asking him to teach me to cook stew for years now. lol. He just doesn't step up to the plate and teach me things. I want to know more about his culture other than the surface things I already know. I don't want to convert or anything because he fell in love with the person that I am. If and when we have kids, we have to carry those same values and beliefs that we both believe in, past them down to our children. I wish that he would open up more about this. I'm willing to learn. He knows that.

Yes I have Sammy. we talked about going but as you can see, I will not be going anytime soon until this situation is resolved.

Thanks KarmaMod for the support. LoL!! I would think that he would read between my lines, you kno lol but i came on here for some advice and support. So gotta give him some props for trying to be important with my decision making.

Don't wait for him to teach you how to cook stew, make amala, boil rice and beans together, cook beans, make egusi and ogbono/efo riro.
go to the food section on Nairaland and Learn  . after two bad stews, you will do better .
it is important to know how to cook some of his meals if not all. mama will complain

have you thot about going to nigeria? maybe the family will love you once they see you and your good manner
take a small vacation at least if you broke up, you'd still remember your vacation/trip to Nigeria.

Hauwa Thanks It just feels great getting support and feedback on here. As you all may know that I can't talk to close friends and extended family members about this issue. You know that family business stays in the" house". I will make sure I go onto cooking section of this site I know that when his family meet me and get to know me, they will be relieved that there son fell in love with a God fearing, respectable,educated, and oh yea, beautiful young lady. About the visiting part, he feels as if he needs to visit alone for this "talk". That part i do not understand.

yeah i dont understand that either. . .

learn how to make nig meals lady. anyone that tells you otherwise is only joking. men love their meals esp one from their lady. who knows he might defend you more after eating your good egusi and vegetable soup   with good (seedless) poundo

ummm interesting. . . i thought he should take you along for sake of introduction/introducing you to them  

Hauwa I know for sure that i will have him completely hooked once i get the cooking part down packed. I will dedicate myself to learning the dishes while he get his family issues together. If it doesn't work out, still good for me, i love Nigerian food .

SammyHauwa I've never been the one to hold my tongue. I speak my mind respectfully. However, with this touchy situation, i feel like i should be going with him during his "talk visit". This is a fuming issue when we talk about this. And trying to stay by his side during this time. What would be a good way to approach him, about going along, stressing the importance of me being with him? Say if this would add to the fire . Would a letter to his family be acceptable? ( sounds silly but just trying to work out some options)

A letter sounds good, but he could get offended so u'll have to ask him. You should ask why he doesn't want you to visit with him. What's his reaction when you bring up the visiting topic? because its only ideal that you go with him, or else there's something fishy. . . It gives you the opportunity to get to know his background, learn about Nigeria; prove yourself to his parents- thats something he just can't do. If he can't give concrete reasons why he doesn't want you to go, then  .

If he's serious, you'll av 2 go sooner or later, d sooner the better.

About how to approach, I'm sure you women know how to do your thing (silent treatment, romance n all, can't say). But if he keeps flaring up and can't open up to you and tell you everything his parents are saying about the issue before you get married, then i don't know.

@ Btrue, I'll advise you to ignore tribal bigots like KB1 and Spoilt, who just churn out baseless generic crap without any concrete evidence.

I think that the best thing to do if you can, would be to make a journey to Nigeria with your fiance. This would serve two purposes -

(1) To give your potential in-laws an opportunity to get to know you (and if possible like or fall in love with you), and

(2) To give you the opportunity to know what you are letting yourself in for. You will be able to see the way your fiance relates/interacts with members of his family and have a first hand chance to see and learn a little about the culture.

After the visit, I am sure you guys would be able to come to a decision, one way or the other. You may find that it is too much of an uphill task and you want out, or that you absolutely want to go ahead and marry him (family and all). i must say however, that should you decide to go to Nigeria, it would be wise to learn a thing or two about the Yoruba culture. The Yoruba race lay great emphasis on culture and respect (one must not only be respectful, but must be SEEN to be respectful. There is a culture of deference particularly to one's elders. And under traditional Yoruba culture, as a wife, you defer even to those members of your husband's family who are younger than you. This does not mean you should be a doormat to be used and walked all over and the line is or should be drawn somewhere. However, don't for example go stretching your hand for a handshake from his folk simply because you are American. That would be considered rude. If someone however, offers their hand to you to shake, then by all means do shake it).

Whatever decision you make, I wish on you the path that would bring you happiness. Goodluck.

Good advise Sapphic.
^{thats one long parenthesis though}

Thanks Shapphic for your support and advice. We spoke about  me going to Nigeria last night. He said that he wouldn't want me amongst the war. His exact words were "Its like putting a horse before a chariot". Gosh, sooooo complicated!!! ? Honestly, I feel he is very terrified to go to them and would be embarrassed to send me along not knowing how this will turn out. I could be wrong but I wouldn't be here I didn't have any faith.

You are welcome. it is you guys lives, so you should know best.

it is very important that you go. i don't know why he is preventing you from going with him good or bad. tell him you will pay for your trip. he just doesn't know. . . his family meeting you might make or mar the relationship just as his going alone to talk to them would do.

make him see reason, plead, give him good food and whatever if you can to make a point 'you want to go with him' to meet your potential in law. not a big thing to ask for.

I don't want to be married and have this negative impact over my future husband and future kids
@ poster
Are U serious!

IGWE USA yes i'm serious . I would be putting him through hell because his parents/family will always have negative things in his ear. My future kids will suffer because their other grandparents will treat them differently because they are not full breed. Are you married Just think if you had this situation going on and how they normally turn out. ?

Hauwa This is causing us to agrue, something we never do. There is a lot of disagreeing going on between us right now . I do not want to add to the fire by stressing and throwing myself into this trip. We are 50/50 anyways, so when I asked to go he knows I wouldn't fully depend on him to support the whole trip. I'm trying to give him exactly what he asked for, staying patient and allowing him to address his family the way he mapped it out. He is making his own bed, he is got to lay in it whether or not he pushes me away out of it, not knowingly. I'm not waiting forever patience running low

It's a very very delicate issue. If at the end of the day he cannot at least help you cultivate some kind of working relationship with his family, then don't even bother. Especially, if he has a close bond with his family. On your part, you must be ready to sacrifice a lot of ego. Remember you're getting married to him and not his family. He needs your help to work his family. I'm not saying you have to take BS from his family to get married to him but if there is true commitment between both of you, you'll be able to navigate the murky waters of cultural differences and come out just fine to enjoy a happy marriage.

I'm actually in the last phase of a similar situation. I had to put pressure on family subtly because I was 100% sure of what I got in my AA GF. And she has played a wonderful role in the whole process. Good luck in your quest for happiness.

Thanks BlackMamba I understand that i will have to drop my ego for this to work when it comes to the family. I shouldn't take it personal because this is part of his culture. I'm blessed that I was raised by my incredible parents who are still happily married that instilled good values within me. I know that if I bow down to them and lose the ego doesn't take away my dignity and my pride. For I will do that, for the man that I love.

You grow to know a person and my fiance is the type of person that takes things a day at a time. Also, he is not showing the initiative teaching me the things about his culture and what to expect. I'm hoping after the visit he will start .That's why I'm on here Nairaland trying to get a clue, lol Trying to do what's expected of me.

The signs are obvious here. Some people only see what they want to see