I don't claim to know how it feels,I have never been there
I had to take drastic measures to stop conceiving so I don't know what it feels like to wait for years and no baby is coming forth.A friend was married for years without a child,after a series of fibroid surgeries,her chances dwindled drastically ,eventually the man left her after 12 years and married someone else and she is heart broken till this day.Most of us know women in that same situation.
I had wanted to advise her to adopt a baby after 5-6 years of trying but I didn't want to appear faithless and insensitive so I kept that advise to myself and regret that I never shared it.She would have been a much happier person today if she had children ( biological or adopted)
Familanders ,do you agree with me that after about 5 years of trying,a woman ought to adopt because let's not kid ourselves,the men can go out and impregnate someone ,it happens all the time so shouldn't a woman yet to conceive not prevail on her husband for them to adopt,that way she gets the fulfillment and joy of being a mother as well as not feel the devastation and loneliness should the man step out to father a child elsewhere.
Believe it or not,men whose wives are trying to conceive,have this curiosity in them,wondering if they could father children and there is the need to try it out for their own satisfaction and proof of their manhood. For those thinking only unbelieving man could do that please think again,the man I described above is a pastor and only son of his parents and I can understand the pressure he faced.
Please share your views and experiences
It could help someone.

I agree.

I have stylishly started telling my husband that i'm open to adoption and other fertility methods if we arent able to conceive naturally after a certain number of years.

He of course side-eyed me.

I'm not cut out for hopping from one church to another. Not the religious type anyway.


Loved your advice on that thread by the way.

Childlessness is something I don't wish for even my enemy. The wahala and pressure no be here. Especially from the husbands side.

If a babe told me she want to marry and no husband, I will feel for her.
But if a married woman says she has been married for sometime and yet to have a child,
Seriously,i dey weak.
I frequent ttc thread cos I recommend the thread to some people.
That is where u see real and raw pain and struggle.
Some cases will knock me off for days.
Honestly,until u r in their shoes,u will never understand.

I wholeheartedly agree with the couple adopting after a certain time because the truth is that it calms down the woman and the posssibility of conception is increased and even if she doesnt conceive she has her own child now no matter what. We have a saying in igbo *uka ukwu abali asa, uka nta abali ato. Meaning the gossip will fizzle out after a while. Because the truth is that most people resist adoption because of what people will say. I have so many people that have adopted in my area that to me its normal. According to my mom when someone dies they will not put the persons child in the grave with them because he or she is that persons biological child. I have a whole lot to say about this mehn that im almost blabbing.

My dad's youngest brother was a crazy maniac. Then he caught an epiphany of sorts and settled down. Married his high school sweetheart (who by the way was still single and about giving up), then found themselves unable to have children. Today, they have 4 kids. All adopted. They have the best family on my father's side. Even with all the financial difficulties of living in the South-South on a priest's salary.

I admire their family.

Most people see adoption as a crime right up there with murder and blasphemy against God. I don't get it. I never have. I'm considering adoption, not because I don't have kids, but because I can't stand to see my Lady go through all that again.

In Nigeria its harder because of the societal pressure.

I would say if by 38-40 you have tried IVF, and other scientific method, Just adopt

The bottom line is to have kids you can call your own that would crack jokes, make you laugh and be there for you

I have a young friend in that situation and the fault is all the man's but of course because we are Nigerians, everybody thinks it is her fault. Told her to try sperm donor. She is in knots and meanwhile time is running out for her. She also tried adoption but doing that legally here is an uphill task. Recently the man was involved in an affair and claims he impregnated a woman who aborted it so the fault is the woman's. This is after over 7 doctors in different places confirmed he had a almost zero sperm count. Women should make bold decisions and either adopt or if they can afford go for surrogate parents.

I have a banker on my street that adopted a baby girl then a boy 2yrs after. Her husband left her after a while with the kids but this woman is still shinning till date. According to her atleast she has her kids. Infact nobody remembers that they were adopted. Another one a magistrate got pregnant 2months after she adopted a baby girl. Now her daughters look like twins. But the style i hate is the ones that pretend to be pregnant then travel to another state to give birth. Like hello hospital don finish for this town? Then every jack n jill will know that those kids where bought as in wth? Anyway to each his own. The long and short of my rant is that adoption is the way to go after ttcing for a while. Heck i will probably adopt after having my kids. Go to motherless babies and see babies longing to be loved. Abeg make i stop here before i start crying....

IMHO adopted kids are just as precious as biological children
Adopted kids are showered with greater love in many instances because they are truly desired .when I conceived our last child I wept bitterly because I didn't want another child.I didn't even know how to break the news to my hubby because to him we were done with children.
I called my cousin in tears to tell her my predicament and she burst out laughing ,shocked that I was that bothered then she spoke a word that brought me back to reality.babyosisi she said,there are women,plenty women that will do anything to have this your problem.
What an irony of life.
Believe it or not there are married women who have aborted unwanted babies
Life is so unfair
I'm glad perceptions about adoptions are changing in Nigeria
It's a welcome development
You even get to choose the gender

I agree with you,I also have friends,some five to ten years, trying to conceive, it has also occurred

to me to advice them,but I don't know how they will feel. Why wait for so long when they are many babies begging to be loved.

marbee:
I agree with you,I also have friends,some five to ten years, trying to conceive, it has also occurred

to me to advice them,but I don't know how they will feel. Why wait for so long when they are many babies begging to be loved.

It's a tough thing to do no matter how close you are
If you have all yours boom boom boom,how can you open your mouth to advise someone to go and adopt
You fear it may come across as saying " nne time is passing you by o,you better go and adopt"
It's not easy at all


To any ladies waiting to conceive would you be offended if a friend gave you such an advice?

Societal Judgement ..... Until people change their judgemental ways toward Adoption. Many TTCing recipients will be stagnant and scared for life.

I perfectly remembered Mrs.Chima on TTCing thread advice them to look into adoption. You should read thousands of tonguelashing and accursed posts against this poster. I weak. This is exactly what is happening in real life.

See.....

breadplanets:
I have a banker on my street that adopted a baby girl then a boy 2yrs after. Her husband left her after a while with the kids but this woman is still shinning till date. According to her atleast she has her kids. Infact nobody remembers that they were adopted. Another one a magistrate got pregnant 2months after she adopted a baby girl. Now her daughters look like twins. But the style i hate is the ones that pretend to be pregnant then travel to another state to give birth. Like hello hospital don finish for this town? Then every jack n jill will know that those kids where bought as in wth? Anyway to each his own. The long and short of my rant is that adoption is the way to go after ttcing for a while. Heck i will probably adopt after having my kids. Go to motherless babies and see babies longing to be loved. Abeg make i stop here before i start crying....

Why do you hate them? Why do you want to know? What's your business with their family secrets?

Anyone can choose any style to bring a child into this world.. As long as they're legal. They can go to Cambodia & back with a mulato baby and tell it to Nigerians . Who cares?? The norm answer should be NOBODY but NO , we must poke nose into everyone's business.

This is a typical example of societal judgement these women are wary and scared of... Many women came on social media to seek validation & thank God for a 'miracle' and what did people do? condemn them and question their stories.

Same with divorce. But that's just another topic for another day.

Ewuro4:
Societal Judgement ..... Until people change their judgemental ways toward Adoption. Many TTCing recipients will be stagnant and scared for life.

I perfectly remembered Mrs.Chima on TTCing thread advice them to adopt. You should read thousands of tonguelashing and accursed posts against this poster. I weak. This is exactly what is happening in real life.

See.....



Why do you hate them? Why do you want to know? What's your business with their family secrets?

Anyone can choose any style to bring a child into this world.. As long as they're legal. They can go to Cambodia & back with a mulato baby and tell it to Nigerians . Who cares?? The norm answer should be NOBODY but NO , we must poke nose into everyone's business.

This is a typical example of societal judgement these women are wary and scared of... Many women came on social media to seek validation & thank God for a 'miracle' and what did people do? condemn them and question their stories.

Same with divorce. But that's just another topic for another day.

That's usually what the ones who buy babies do,she spelled it out clearly
They pretend to be pregnant disappear and then reappear with new born babies

Adopters do that too. And it should be nobody's business.

Ewuro4:


Adopters do that too. And it should be nobody's business.

Really?
Pretend to be pregnant and reappear with babies?
It is everyone's business because some of those babies are stolen
Now they know folks know whats going on,the secret is out
They might as well quit the pretense,they are not fooling anyone
If you want to adopt you have no need to be ashamed of it or do it nicodemously
The whole neighborhood knows the baby is adopted so who are they fooling?
People should be true to themselves

Yes. They leave early for abroad/ another state and return with babies.

Anyway.. My point is , why do we want to know how they got the baby?

This Africa. Situations are perceived differently compared to abroad. Ofcourse they're ashamed.

Ewuro4:
Yes. They leave early for abroad/ another state and return with babies.

Anyway.. My point is , why do we want to know how they got the baby?

Because babies are stolen and sold
Adoption should not be a hidden thing
Making it clandestine leaves room for the shady business of baby trafficking

This Africa. Situations are perceived differently compared to abroad. Ofcourse they're ashamed.

And they have no need to be
They are not fooling anyone
Everyone around them knows the baby is adopted so why the hiding?


It's the same secretive nature that makes the parents hide the fact from the kids and they hear it from teases from neighborhood children
Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of and that awareness must start with an adoptive mother embracing that this is what this is not trying to pretend she conceived and bore the child.
They are no lesser parents than biological parents

Some nigerian adoptive mothers have gone as far as taking hormones to induce lactation so they nurse the babies all in a bid to further tell people that they actually gave birth to the babies.

babyosisi:


Because babies are stolen and sold
Adoption should not be a hidden thing
Making it clandestine leaves room for the shady business of baby trafficking

Funny, so adopters usually announce the legally adoptees paperwork to the world?

We can only hope it's legal. So that concludes same point I've been trying to make; why poke your nose atall?

****

I will never tell a soul if I adopt a child . not because I'm scared, but because I don't want to. Leave them hanging. They are too intrusive. They should get a life.

******

My advice to TTCing moms ... Do what makes you happy.. Fvck side talks. Your life choices /decisions shouldn't revolve around public opinion. Do what makes YOU happy. People will always talk.

* babyosisi refocuses *
Hmm

Well well well ,back to the spirit the thread started in

Adoption as an alternative while waiting to conceive is the topic at hand
Please share your opinion folks
Does anyone think it will be offensive if a friend advised a woman yet to conceive to consider adoption

To the men,how will you view adoption if you and wife are unable to conceive and the issue is with her body

My friend's sister didn't have a child after 10years. She and her hubby did IVF and had a baby. She got pregnant after two years and went on to birth three other kids without IVF....life and its mysteries.

Adopt if you can and keep trying.
Yesterday on Yahoo, i read a writer's story titled "to the person raising my eggs" she sold her eggs years ago for money to pay off student loan...i saw a great deal of sadness all over her story...sadly she lost the ability to have her own children down the lane.

Anyway to your question, if she doesn't discuss her biological issues, don't raise adoption.

Adoption is a very sensitive topic for someone suffering from Infertility, it's ok for y'll to sit here and talk about adopting because you all have children. We all want to experience child birth even if it's donated sperm or egg ( which is a no-no for me cos of my religion). We don't want to be left out and try different options until we get to the bottom of it all, until we have a success story.

Depending on where you are or live, adoption rules have changed. They've made it difficult for people to adopt. Presently in UK, it's tough, I tried no success in two different boroughs and gave up. I would rather put my money into the next tx and keep on trying than go for it. I'm sorry but that's my option.

It's up to the couple, pls don't use the story of the man cheating with his wife's sister as a pole to steer people to adoption. You gotta be ready for it, the couple have a bigger problem than infertility.

Yeah friends could advice me to go for adoption, sperm donor but at the end of the day the decision lies with me. I do what I'm comfortable with. I'm not asking anyone for money so I believe people should shove their opinions/advice where the sun doesn't shine. My two pence worth. Y'll can debate and debate but until you have suffered or suffer from infertility then I believe it's all talk.

Anyway that's my opinion on adoption, back to infertility, regarding infertility it could be male factor, female factor or unknown. I don't believe in that unexplained aspect cos there's always an underlying factor somewhere.

If a couple is suffering from infertility, they have to be on the same page. It's a challenge for any marriage because there's pressure from everyone.

Now back to your question, about what the options are, they are loads of options which have both advantages and disadvantages. With the donor issue, there are loads men which I can't even touch as I'm currently in a thread with older women going through it all from various parts of the world and there's surrogacy, there was a story about a woman refusing to give up the child. So couple are told all these options when they are TTC and like I said already they have to be in it together. A lot of couples aren't in it together and that's the reason the men play away game hoping and praying they will be successful likewise the women but who are they both fooling? Themselves. Always have a plan b, c up to z if possible.

Even though I suffer from it, I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

Why do you think most first borns don't belong to the man cos the women all go to different lengths to make sure they have kids. I would rather die than to cheat on someone. Who am I fooling? If most people go through this path then I believe the ones left without children will be the ones suffering from female or unexplained infertility.

Ewuro, there've been many debates about telling children where they come from. Even people that have donated sperm or egg feel they have to tell the child. Some people believe in Epigenetics where the child start looking like them as a result of carrying the child even though scientifically it ain't theirs to start with.

With adoption I have to tell the child, the child can't even bear my surname because of religious stand on this. A child is named after the dad not after the adopted dad. So who am I fooling. Some people get away with this but as Africans there's always someone poke nosing somewhere that's the reason there's an influx of people believing they are pregnant from going to one local woman in the village and hereby being given children that was never theirs.

Until our views change as Africans then there will also be people cutting corners. Oyibbo go tell you wherethe child came from, will also tell u say na in husband dey suffer from MF sef in front of husband but are we ready as blacks to do same? No I don't think so.

Hmm back to bed to some round 2 sleep.

Have a nice day everyone!

Beetle thanks for sharing your views on the subject.i truly appreciate your perspective
You are correct,one can never understand a thing till you have been there

@ beetle,why will adopted kids bear different surnames?

Where is this done pls?


It's mostly men that makes women not go into adoption. Call it pride.
If u see a man that agrees to adopt,look well.
He is the one with problem.
Then again most women r so strong head,they will pressurize until u agree.

Adoption is very good.
Nigeria is still very primitive.

It will lessen all these wahala abeg.

I will advice even an acquaintance to pursue adoption aggressively while ttcing.
She can thank me later after being mad at me.
Just look at that other thread. Is it not the woman that is suffering?
Some smart mofos will get belle and pin it on d man's head and as we don't do dna tests here,that is the end for the wife.

At times,some impotent men will close their eyes when they see their wife pregnant knowing fully well they r not responsible for that.

Why r we still so primitive in thinking?
Also our clergy men r not helping.
U will hear them say"go and visit the motherless babies homes" but not"go and adopt from the motherless babies homes"

Beetle:
Ewuro, there've been many debates about telling children where they come from. Even people that have donated sperm or egg feel they have to tell the child. Some people believe in Epigenetics where the child start looking like them as a result of carrying the child even though scientifically it ain't theirs to start with.

With adoption I have to tell the child, the child can't even bear my surname because of religious stand on this. A child is named after the dad not after the adopted dad. So who am I fooling. Some people get away with this but as Africans there's always someone poke nosing somewhere that's the reason there's an influx of people believing they are pregnant from going to one local woman in the village and hereby being given children that was never theirs.

Until our views change as Africans then there will also be people cutting corners. Oyibbo go tell you wherethe child came from, will also tell u say na in husband dey suffer from MF sef in front of husband but are we ready as blacks to do same? No I don't think so.

Hmm back to bed to some round 2 sleep.

Have a nice day everyone!

My dear , I perfectly understand the adverse implication of hiding such vital info from an adopted child. Absolutely, hiding such info is setting a child up for future psychological dilemma.

The bone of contention here is the nosy society . The crucial need to convince some random neighbours/ nobodies about the child's genuine conception. I owe no one no explanation whatsoever. That's where the hesitation to Adopt always began, esp in African society.

I agree with you,oyinbo man will announce their newly adopted child's arrival from China , can a Nigerian do same and Why? Yes we need to eradicate and change people's perception Blah blah but as it stands right now.. That's how our society works. We have a long way to go.

Beetle, If I may ask , why can't a legally adopted child bear adopters Family name? I'm keen to know the biblical take on this.


Have a great day jare ( Bedtime here)

Adoption should be the last resort after you have exhausted every meaningful way of getting pregnant.

I am very weary of adoption, because I don't know the biological background of the child am bringing in.questions like does madness run in their family,do the family suffer from a particular deseases,won't the child grow up tommorow and start giving us headache that he wants to know the original parents? (I have seen where it happened)

Also the way people reason and talk especially when they see you with your adopted child. I mean,someone has once told me, ordinary to born pikin you no fit,something that a child of 15yrs can do,you wey be adult no fit boast of one baby

And the way our government has made adoption so difficult, it took a friend almost 2years to get hers. my dear,the processes is too long and discouraging

In my own opinion, I will rather try IVF countless time than going for adoption.Though there is absolutely nothing wrong with adoption. I support anyone that wants to tow that line.

One of my uncles did not get a child until after 11 years or thereabouts, I didn't exactly know what the problem was... after 11 years, two boys came in quick succession... it's like the first one opened the womb...
This adoption thing, I find it a bit unsettling, I'd only consider it as a last resort.... I know one couple that adopted, fortunately for them and unfortunately for the child, they later had their own, that is how they started maltreating this child, you could always tell that this child was not theirs as soon as you entered the house.... It was so pathetic walahi....
I'd only think of adopting if am absolutely sure there is no other way, am not sure I'd even be able to resist the temptation of trying another woman to know if am at fault or nay... It's really hard for men to know they can actually get a woman pregnant but have to adopt because their wife cannot get pregnant... it's selfish but it's easier to understand if ur a man....

manoda:


Also the way people reason and talk especially when they see you with your adopted child. I mean,someone has once told me, ordinary to born pikin you no fit,something that a child of 15yrs can do,you wey be adult no fit boast of one baby
.

Awww some people are so mean