I grew up in an abusive home where my dad beat my mum for whatever reason just so long as he was angry whether with her , us the children or anything she always paid the price, after then he will beg like he is genuinely sorry only to do that again. The beatings were without mercy slaps .blows. dragging on the floor kicks, marching anything what soever , I grew up always wanting to leave the house don't know why she stayed. then I get married and I'm beaten by my husbands. It started with him throwing things at me when angry phone, toothbrush etc he knows how much I hate battery I never condoned or accepted it while dating, even then he said he wasn't a wife beater. but he's dad usually beats the mum that she had a bad mouth, now I was beaten I want to know is it genetic, generational, I don't want my children to grow up the way I did, I always told myself I will leave where a man to hit me, now I'm here pregnant and confused. He says his sorry, swearing with my late sons name he won't do it again but I can't trust him I know the cycle to we'll. what do I do

Once a man raises his fingers to beat a woman. And say I won't do it again....Na lie!

So your mom was beaten? You have been beaten... Grandma nko?? Pls watch and pray and stop positioning yourself to where he can lay his hands on you

Being prone to temper outbursts might be genetic but being abusive is not.

Kids only tend to take after their parents in that aspect because the abused party refused to leave.
Sometimes with the excuse of staying for the kids. not knowing that staying actually affects them psychologically.

They may hate that their mom or sometimes dad gets beaten but find themselves unable to stop doing such to their spouses too when they get married.
The violence may have become the only answer they know to conflicts.

Being born of an abuser won't make you abusive but being raised in that environment can make you that. So if you don't want your kids to turn out that way, you know what to do.

I used to say to myself if I was ever hit by my husband I will leave but here I am. I'm a wreck, its not like I don't have the means to leave but here I am. All I hear is I'm sorry it won't happen again, forget it.im lost, drained of all emotions fighting with what I have always known that men don't just hit once, it's something of control and they keep exerting it. Why don't they fight their friends or fellow men, being a woman is the worst thing to happen to anyone. The society blames you and justifies the man, your friends gossip and laugh at you, your priest says marriage is a covenant, where do you go, who do you turn to

Have you said a word about this to either your people or his? If you have, what have they done about it?

Since both parties may not have the moral rights to tell him how bad his actions were (his dad beat his mum and your dad did same to your mum)
You may want to seek out an elderly mentor of his and implore him to talk to him.

Before doing the above, check yourself to see if your actions/tongue and inaction provoke him often and find a way around it.

Anger is hereditary. Being abusive is environmental.

Sorry for your situation.

The question is did you take after your mother, giving him reasons to want to hit you?

It is easier to say you don't want the type of marriage your parents had but still gravitate towards such or an even more disastrous one when you don't do the things you ought to to ensure you have the sort of marriage you desire.

You have a choice to make, work on your marriage or walk out.

In all, I wish you the best.

He says it's when I doubt his love , that he doesn't have a problem with me arguing or having a contrary opinion on issues but when I say he doesn't care about me that's what gets him angry. but I don't believe him cos whenever I have a contrary opinion the way he gets angry no matter how little it is he will say he has passion for arguing and informing. He argues with everyone but I'm the only one I know he has beaten. well he said he hit his ex once before that she was taking him for granted

mcdokwe:
The question is did you take after your mother, giving him reasons to want to hit you?

It is easier to say you don't want the type of marriage your parents had but still gravitate towards such or an even more disastrous one when you don't do the things you ought to to ensure you have the sort of marriage you desire.

You have a choice to make, work on your marriage or walk out.

In all, I wish you the best.

let me get your point it's justifiable for a woman to be beaten because she gives him reason , how many men have you beaten or has no man angered you.

I don't understand this world a man hits a woman he is justified because she angered him, when he angers her y doesn't she just put poison in his food or kill him in his sleep, or she is not entitled to being angry, is it because a man has more physical strength or is it what our mothers have taught us that we should beat women when angry, what a life, what a world. , a man does as he likes and walks away. y were women created, I don't understand this world at all.

april2015:
let me get your point it's justifiable for a woman to be beaten because she gives him reason , how many men have you beaten or has no man angered you.

I am a man, I can simply walk away when a woman or a man angers me especially if I can forget the person ever existed, but when in a relationship you want to work, you try to hold on, wishing for the best, you fight even when it is easier to let go because from the fight, you hope victory would come and when it doesn't, things could get worse and frustrating.

Pointing out his battery while negating your flaws means you have not come to realise you too have issues and that the best is required from both of you to make it work.

It is only a mad man that would just wake up and start hitting a spouse, unless you are telling me his is one.

Generally people from abusive homes tend to expect much more, but unfortunately, fail to realise that to get more, you need to give more especially in relationships.
Find and work on your own personal faults and see if things won't improve.

Leaving as an option even when I don't subscribe, might not be the best, but might do him as much good as it will do you

no , being a wife beater or abuse of any kind is never genetic. ut's a choice! but it can be a cycle that's passed down when kids are raised in such an environment and this seems to be happening with u. just like how an abused child is more likely to end up in a violent or abusive relationship , a child who witnessed abuse in his/her home can also end up in an abusive relationship. since they grew up in an abusive household they subconsciously choose abusive partners , sometimes because that's what they've grown up to know , other times because they want to play savior and change them but of course , they can't. op , u knew this man was abusive when u were dating him if only u had inquired before u married him , we would've advised u to not go ahead with the marriage. he can't change and won't change unless he wants to ! u can't change him. do u hv any friends or family members u can go to in the time being ? him abusing u alone is horrible enough but to do it when u are pregnant , wow. just because u are pregnant doesn't mean u hv to stay with him . just because u are married doesn't mean u hv to stay with him. some pple will tell u to pray , as if that alone will suddenly change the man. u hv to be proactive , if not for ur own sake for the sake of ur unborn child

april2015:
I grew up in an abusive home where my dad beat my mum for whatever reason just so long as he was angry whether with her , us the children or anything she always paid the price, after then he will beg like he is genuinely sorry only to do that again. The beatings were without mercy slaps .blows. dragging on the floor kicks, marching anything what soever , I grew up always wanting to leave the house don't know why she stayed. then I get married and I'm beaten by my husbands. It started with him throwing things at me when angry phone, toothbrush etc he knows how much I hate battery I never condoned or accepted it while dating, even then he said he wasn't a wife beater. but he's dad usually beats the mum that she had a bad mouth, now I was beaten I want to know is it genetic, generational, I don't want my children to grow up the way I did, I always told myself I will leave where a man to hit me, now I'm here pregnant and confused. He says his sorry, swearing with my late sons name he won't do it again but I can't trust him I know the cycle to we'll. what do I do

april2015:
I grew up in an abusive home where my dad beat my mum for whatever reason just so long as he was angry whether with her , us the children or anything she always paid the price, after then he will beg like he is genuinely sorry only to do that again. The beatings were without mercy slaps .blows. dragging on the floor kicks, marching anything what soever , I grew up always wanting to leave the house don't know why she stayed. then I get married and I'm beaten by my husbands. It started with him throwing things at me when angry phone, toothbrush etc he knows how much I hate battery I never condoned or accepted it while dating, even then he said he wasn't a wife beater. but he's dad usually beats the mum that she had a bad mouth, now I was beaten I want to know is it genetic, generational, I don't want my children to grow up the way I did, I always told myself I will leave where a man to hit me, now I'm here pregnant and confused. He says his sorry, swearing with my late sons name he won't do it again but I can't trust him I know the cycle to we'll. what do I do

What do you want to do?

mizcyn:
being a woman is the worst thing to happen to anyone

biko, speak for yourself

@april2015,
Yes, wife beating can be genetic.
You marry a man that has high levels of adrosteron which makes him easily aggressive and he can genetically pass this on to the kids making them aggressive as well. Such a person has a harder time dealing with self control especially when triggered via inciteful words or actions.

Now unto the more important question.

Who have u reported him to? His parents? (not your parents, not yet). His pastor/imam? His friends? You need to alert someone who will act as a check for his aggressive behaviour. Don't die in silence.

Your post describes the pathologic physical abuser. Some who comes from a dysfunctional family and sees physical aggression as the only means to solve problems. He knows there is something wrong with him hence his begging after every act. Unfortunately he won't be able to stop himself by himself. Call someone who you can confide in and who won't wash your dirty linen in public.




Caveat.
If you are the one triggering him to hit you by using foul words then you also need to work on yourself. It is true it is not good to hit a woman but it would be nice if you didn't give him any reason(however unjust) to do so.

This the problem with staying in an abusive marriage, the mum does not only suffer, she makes her children embrace suffering.
It is not genetic, you like majority of others in your shoes never liked it when their dad hit their mum but what you and mum didnt know is that you unconsciously embraced suffering so that even if you want to opt out your mum didnt teach or show you courage, how can you then find it.
Your experience eroded your self esteem so much that you didnt see/ignored the signs when you were dating. He even told you he hit his ex amongst the other signs. Now that you know first hand you cant find courage because your mum left you with none. Do you want to leave your kids like that too.
Two of you are products of abuse as a result he cant help beating you and you cant help recieving the beating. Unless you make a conscious effort to end recieving beating, the reflex thing for him will be to beat and you to recieve, then the cycle continues. It is not your responsibility to fix him, he is going to get worse perhaps than your dad but you can fix yourself atleast for your child sake.
When your mum stayed she probably did for her kids and society but has it helped you. Now you sit to consider society again instead of your child even with direct experience.
Sit down, make up your mind tell yourself you are NEVER going to endure pain like your mum and that your child wont be a VICTIM. Say to yourself it must stop, you must end it, then you will find the courage to FLEE from abuse. I know its not just words especially as abuse is the only life you know but if you determine you and your kid wont continue in suffering then it will be so.

april2015:
I don't understand this world a man hits a woman he is justified because she angered him, when he angers her y doesn't she just put poison in his food or kill him in his sleep, or she is not entitled to being angry, is it because a man has more physical strength or is it what our mothers have taught us that we should beat women when angry, what a life, what a world. , a man does as he likes and walks away. y were women created, I don't understand this world at all.

Am afraid dis is not true...

But honestly u're quite funny, what don't u understand @ all? U should know by nature, men are more aggressive than women, since dey don't talk much like women, they are quick to react physically.

Ideally, a man is not supposed to hit his wife, but shiiit do happens. I Just saw a thread were a guy slapped his mum, because he was pushed. What he did was wrong no doubt, but there is a limit to what a MAN can tolerate, except he is a weak man. We all have different level of self control, some men are more short tempered, dat's why u need to study ur man, know d things dat infuriate him & try ur possible best to avoid such things.

But if he still beats u on account of frivolous issues, den u walk away, if u can no longer endure....

But no one justifies a man for beating a woman...

Marriage counselor would be helpful if there is one.

But on your own try to look into what make him angry that causes the beatings, try to avoid those things as much as possible. Both of you need to work on yourselves to stop the beating. He must control his anger.

But you should consider to go away from the marriage if he refuse to stop the beating. Do not get yourself killed by a crazy husband.

Floodgater:
This the problem with staying in an abusive marriage, the mum does not only suffer, she makes her children embrace suffering.

If you know How I hate that demonic advice eh!

That is the problem when mothers stay in abusive relationships. It's not genetic but it's a learned behavior. The girl child thinks it's normal and a lot of times will end up with an abuser . Even if such a girl saw traits like anger and excessive jealousy while dating she'll think that's an expression of love because that's what she grew up around. Then most of the boys will turn into abusers also, they've not learnt to resolve conflicts in other ways but b their fists.

Parents do a lot of damage when they expose their children to abuse. If your man doesn't go for counseling and hits you even one more time you have a responsibility to your children to live or you will expose them to the same unhealthy environment and the cycle may continue.

If you stay in that marriage and the abuse continues know that it's likely your son will turn into a woman beater and your daughter will end up marrying one. Raising children in an abusive environment is the worst thing you can do, we learn more from what we see around us than what we hear

snakebeat:

Am afraid dis is not true...

But honestly u're quite funny, what don't u understand @ all? U should know by nature, men are more aggressive than women, since dey don't talk much like women, they are quick to react physically.

Ideally, a man is not supposed to hit his wife, but shiiit do happens. I Just saw a thread were a guy slapped his mum, because he was pushed. What he did was wrong no doubt, but there is a limit to what a MAN can tolerate, except he is a weak man. We all have different level of self control, some men are more short tempered, dat's why u need to study ur man, know d things dat infuriate him & try ur possible best to avoid such things.

But if he still beats u on account of frivolous issues, den u walk away, if u can no longer endure....


But no one justifies a man for beating a woman...

Actually it's a weak man that gets violent when "pushed" . One should never get violent except if it's self Defence, a strong man controls himself . Women beaters are cowards, those same guys meet men everyday at work, on the street etc that annoy and push them yet I assure you they don't go around fighting because they know they will probably get their asses kicked.

If they are real men, when a solider / police pushes" them they should retaliate

mizcyn:
I used to say to myself if I was ever hit by my husband I will leave but here I am. I'm a wreck, its not like I don't have the means to leave but here I am. All I hear is I'm sorry it won't happen again, forget it.im lost, drained of all emotions fighting with what I have always known that men don't just hit once, it's something of control and they keep exerting it. Why don't they fight their friends or fellow men, being a woman is the worst thing to happen to anyone. The society blames you and justifies the man, your friends gossip and laugh at you, your priest says marriage is a covenant, where do you go, who do you turn to

Sorry dear

mizcyn:
I used to say to myself if I was ever hit by my husband I will leave but here I am. I'm a wreck, its not like I don't have the means to leave but here I am. All I hear is I'm sorry it won't happen again, forget it.im lost, drained of all emotions fighting with what I have always known that men don't just hit once, it's something of control and they keep exerting it. Why don't they fight their friends or fellow men, being a woman is the worst thing to happen to anyone. The society blames you and justifies the man, your friends gossip and laugh at you, your priest says marriage is a covenant, where do you go, who do you turn to

What do you want to do now?

You can't seat and keep wringing your hands forever

coogaluta:



biko, speak for yourself

Is This necessary?

mizcyn:
I used to say to myself if I was ever hit by my husband I will leave but here I am. I'm a wreck, its not like I don't have the means to leave but here I am. All I hear is I'm sorry it won't happen again, forget it.im lost, drained of all emotions fighting with what I have always known that men don't just hit once, it's something of control and they keep exerting it. Why don't they fight their friends or fellow men, being a woman is the worst thing to happen to anyone. The society blames you and justifies the man, your friends gossip and laugh at you, your priest says marriage is a covenant, where do you go, who do you turn to

Hun, I always say I would only let my husband hit me twice and I'm out. First time maybe mistake, but second, I'm out of the door. Please try to find some strength from within. You do not deserve to be beaten, it is NOT acceptable.

What about your family, are they telling you to endure, I'll never understand that. If he keeps hitting you , go back to your fathers house and refuse to return to him no matter what anyone says. Be very calm and resolute about it. They will not chase you out(I hope not). Sounds like you have a job so just keep rebuilding your life.

bukatyne:


Is This necessary?

Yes it is. WHen she says being a woman is a curse and another person is enjoying her womanhood

WHat led to the beating? Did you attack him and he acted in self defence

raumdeuter:


Yes it is. WHen she says being a woman is a curse and another person is enjoying her womanhood

Interesting.

Thanks for all your comments, I envy you who can be happy being a woman I pray you never know pain, I see the struggle of women everyday cope with abuse, I'm a doctor by the way so I should know, I see women suffer and smile, it's always being their problem, it was like it wasn't going to come my way, but then here I am, it's easy to say that a man was pushed an attacked again I say how many fellow men have pushed and attack you, why didn't you prove your manhood. If your strength is violence why not making boxing a profession and fight a similar opponent, y is the victim blamed , I once said if I get angry because I'm provoked, pushed, hurt by the shouting and insults hurled my way and I kill a man by poison on in his sleep are my justified because I'm pushed, there is my strength. as I can't defend myself physically I'm I entitled to whatever deems fit in my rage or anger. I ask you men. who kills you when you shout, insult and do all sorts
, who kills you when you cheat, what justifies your action is it your strength

bukatyne:


If you know How I hate that demonic advice eh!

You know the way the church has worsened things when women will not stop taking their churches serious than their God. I was in a church one day when someone asked what can a woman do in the case of abuse or infidelity and one of the women leaders said there's nothing she can do other than pray but the bible didnt say that in the case of men.That redgem's case readily came to mind.
Another major problem in this, is that when people have made effort to raised balanced children, abusive mums raised unbalanced lots to choose from. I dont know when these women will realise that the damage is more on their children.

april2015:
Thanks for all your comments, I envy you who can be happy being a woman I pray you never know pain, I see the struggle of women everyday cope with abuse, I'm a doctor by the way so I should know, I see women suffer and smile, it's always being their problem, it was like it wasn't going to come my way, but then here I am, it's easy to say that a man was pushed an attacked again I say how many fellow men have pushed and attack you, why didn't you prove your manhood. If your strength is violence why not making boxing a profession and fight a similar opponent, y is the victim blamed , I once said if I get angry because I'm provoked, pushed, hurt by the shouting and insults hurled my way and I kill a man by poison on in his sleep are my justified because I'm pushed, there is my strength. as I can't defend myself physically I'm I entitled to whatever deems fit in my rage or anger. I ask you men. who kills you when you shout, insult and do all sorts
, who kills you when you cheat, what justifies your action is it your strength

^^ Did you attack him in anyway before he started beating you

Or he just got up from a delicious meal and decided to exercise his fists on you

Floodgater:

You know the way the church has worsened things when women will not stop taking their churches serious than their God. I was in a church one day when someone asked what can a woman do in the case of abuse or infidelity and one of the women leaders said there's nothing she can do other than pray but the bible didnt say that in the case of men.That redgem's case readily came to mind.
Another major problem in this, is that when people have made effort to raised balanced children, abusive mums raised unbalanced lots to choose from. I dont know when these women will realise that the damage is more on their children.

It is well

If you know the destruction Some Churches cause with their yeye advices.

Religion is the major problem of women in the world.