Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It’s a bad one, caused by the woman’s reckless driving.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, ”I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence.” (drunk driving offence)
Adam ate the apple again !Men will NEVER learn !Women will Never change!

I went for fasting in a friend's church. After a few minutes, I started feeling hungry. The girl on my right was eating fried fish while another girl on my left was having a drink of cold malt bottle. I begged for the fried fish and also asked the other girl for a share of her cold drink which they both oblige.
An hour later, the pastor got the microphone and said, "There are 120 witches in this place right now, come out before I fish you out!"
100 people came out. He said again, "There are 20 witches left, come out before I fish u out!"
17 people came out. He said, "There are 3 more witches remaining, come out now before I fish you out!"
When the girl on my left and the girl on my right went out, I didn't wait for the pastor to say another word, I immediately rushed out!

I Know Your Secret
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.”
The other boy said, “How?”
The boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!”
The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom. Here's $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!”
The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the gateman, “I know your secret!”
The gateman opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?

keep em coming. Read all 5 pages in one sitting. Nice remedy for a boring Saturday.

Colour Brown FRIEND 1: I can make you say brown. FRIEND 2: Hmmm. You can't make me say brown. FRIEND 1: Ok, what is the colour of the Nigerian flag? FRIEND 2: Green white green FRIEND 1: You see, I said I can make you say "White". FRIEND 2: You lied! You said you can make me say "Brown" not "White". FRIEND 1: Haha... you've just said brown!

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and salad with sausage."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

The best way to kill a lady is to buy her a golden watch, expensive clothes, bangles, shoes, make ups and trousers then lock her up in a room without a mirror.

Johnny goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up?" She says "I have a boyfriend", Johnny says "I have a math test". The girl looks up and says "What's that got to do with anything?", Johnny replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

I got home early from work one day and my teenage daughter came home looking rather angry.
"What's wrong dear?" I asked.
"I've just done s e x education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have s e x before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, trust me he will."

Please thank God with me. They attacked me at about 2.30am this morning. They came into my room while I was sleeping. I heard their sound as they moved across the room towards me. As I got up, I remembered the scripture that says, ''He has not given us the spirit of fear...''.
As one of them came at me to attack, I had no choice but to defend myself. I quickly struck! The second one also jumped at me. I couldn't believe what was happening. My neighbours heard the chaotic sound that was emerging from my room and were wondering what was wrong. I eventually hit the second one too; my hands were stained with blood.
They lay still, so I wondered if they were still alive, but when I looked at them on the floor, I found out one was still moving, I struck again and this time I hit harder in anger. That's how I killed the two GIANT mosquitoes attempting to suck my blood o!
PRAISE THE LORD!!!

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In secondary school, I was very poor in maths. During exams, I'd get between 2% and 8%. The results used to be announced sequentially, that is from the lowest to the highest marks. So I would always be the first or second to be called out. One day, the maths results were announced and my name wasn't among the first to be called out.
The teacher got to 30%, 40%, 50%, 60% and 70%, still my paper had not been called out. Everyone in the class kept looking at me asking, "Guy what's up? How did you pass this exam?"
By the time the teacher got to 80%, I was already grinning in excitement. When he got to 90%, he had only one paper remaining. I then asked myself, could I have scored 90% in maths? I was feeling very anxious and happy now. I thought my dreams have been answered. The whole class was amazed as everyone kept looking at me. It was unbelievable.
Finally the teacher looked up and said, "A stupid student here did not write his name on the paper and he scored 0%. If you have not received your paper come and get it now!"
I FAINTED!

A ninety-year-old man who is suffering from memory loss is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral s e x, the best an old man could want. And then at supper-time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain. The doctor examines him and asks, "Tell me, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies, "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning, I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was opened. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony, I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy. That was how I strained my back."
Later that day, a second patient arrives and he appears he had been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible! What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it! I was hit by a fridge! I don't know how the fridge fell on me, or where it came from!"
Before closing hours, the third patient came in. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asked, "What in the hell happened to you?!"
The patient replies, "Well, It started like this; "I was in a fridge..."

Teacher enters into a class, "Who can give me a name of an animal that starts with the letter L?"
Joy stood up and said, "Lion."
The teacher said, "That's good! Who can also give me a name of an animal that starts with the letter A?"
Akpos stood up and said, "A lion."
The teacher angrily said, "Get out of my class!"
As Akpos was walking out of the class, the teacher asked again, "Who can give me a name of an animal that starts with the letter M?"
Akpos answered again, "Maybe a lion."

Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known "Happy Going Marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It is amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said, "We went to Kano State for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, "This is your first time".
"She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said, "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!
"I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: "This is your first time!".
...AND WE HAVE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!

An Igbo man, a Yoruba man and an Hausa man were lost in a forest and then captured by cannibals. The king of the cannibals told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step was to go deep into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruits. The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits. The Yoruba man came back and said to the king, "I brought 10 apples."
Then the king explained the trial to him, "You have to swallow the fruits without any expression on your face or you will be killed. The first apple went in, but on the second one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The Igbo man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The Yoruba man and Igbo man met in heaven and the Yoruba man asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with the trial."
The Igbo man replied, "I couldn't help it, when I saw the Hausa man coming with Watermelons!"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old:
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.So remember, FASTING is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind!

Peter and David were lost in a desert. They were so thirsty and hungry that they could do anything for a cup of water and some food. Suddenly, they sighted a mosque, then Peter turned to David and said, "lets pretend we're Muslims, so that we can get some food and water. My name will be Ahmad and yours will be Umar."
"I'm not going to change my identity," says David.
Off they went into the mosque. On getting there, they met the Imam who welcomed them warmly, he then asked for their names. Peter said, "I'm Ahmad"
"I'm David" replies David.
The Imam ordered some food for David, then turned to Ahmad and said, "Ahmad, happy Ramadan."

One day, a woman wanted to make a fool out of her hubby. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore and after writing, she put the letter on the table in the bedroom before hiding under the bed.
When her hubby came back home, he saw the letter and read it. Then he also wrote something on it and began to sing and dance, changing his clothes. He got his phone, dialled someone and said, "Hey babe, I will still be joining you, as for the other fool, it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around with her and has left. I was really wrong to have married her. I wish I had known you earlier. See you soon honey!".
The hubby walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, the woman got up from under the bed and decided to go and read what the hubby wrote on the letter. When she got the letter, it said, "APRIL FOOL!!! Got you didn't I? I COULD see your trailing feet under the bed."

Akpos was trying to prove his love for his girlfriend and the following conversation ensued.
AKPOS: I can do anything for you. I can swim the oceans for you. I can run round the world for you, all for your love.
GIRLFRIEND: (Flattered) OK. I have one question for you.
AKPOS: What?
GIRLFRIEND: Can you die for me?
AKPOS: Nooo! My love for you is an undying love.

Akpos bursts into the house, "Daddy! My CGPA is 4.78!"
The father is amazed and says "This calls for a party."
The father takes Akpos on a ride around town to shopping malls and Eateries. He spends all he has including his Month end salary.
The father thought to himself, "At least I celebrated my son's success even if I'm eventually broke."
When they got home, Akpos shows his result to his Father. His father looking stunned, angrily snares at his son, "WHAT IS THIS? I thought you said you had a First Class? But what I'm seeing on your result is a Third Class!"
Akpos, who is smiling sheepishly, suddenly shouts, "APRIL FOOL DAD!!!"
What do you think will happen to Akpos?

Someone calls you at 2am and asks, "Are you sleeping?"
Response: "No! I'm picking beans."
When its raining and someone notices you going out yet they ask, "Are you going out in this rain?"
Response: "No! In the next one."
You are making out with your girlfriend then you start pulling her panties then she asks, "What are you trying to do?"
Response: "I want to wash it for you."
They see you coming out of the bathroom wet, yet they ask, "Did you just have a bath?"
Response: "No, I fell into the toilet bowl."
You're standing in front of the elevator on the ground floor going to your office, yet they ask, "Are you going up?"
Response: "No, I'm waiting for my Office to come down and get me."
Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch of flowers, and you still ask, "Are those flowers?"
Response: "No baby, they're condoms!"
You are in a queue at the cinema to buy ticket, a friend see's you and asks, "What are you doing here?"
Response: "I'm here to pay my school fees."
You are relieving yourself in the toilet and someone knocks the door and tries to open it. It’s obviously locked. And then the person asks, “Is anybody in there?”
Response: “No. The shit locked the door and is talking to you.”
You stumble and fall into a gutter and your leg is bent at an awkward angle. People gather and ask, “Are you okay?”
Response: "No. I'm just hanging out my leg, waiting for it to dry.”

GIRL: Honey, where are you?
BOY: I'm at the bank.
GIRL: OK. I need N25,000 to make my hair, N50,000 to go shopping and N100,000 for my pocket money.
BOY: Baby, I mean I'm at the bank of a river. Do you want fish?

nfessions
A woman prepared some vegetable soup for herself and her husband. When they were about to eat, the following conversation began.
HUSBAND: Where did you get the vegetables from?
WIFE: I got it from Mr. Sand's garden.
HUSBAND: What?! From that wizard?! How I'm I to know that the wizard didn't poison the vegetables?
WIFE: I have an idea.
She gave some to her dog. After some time, the dog went to play.
WIFE: See? The food isn't poisoned.
HUSBAND: OK. Let's eat then.
After eating, their maid came crying.
WIFE: What happened?
MAID: Bingo is dead!
HUSBAND: What? The food is poisoned!
HUSBAND: (Feeling sober and guilt filled upon realising he's going to die in a couple of minutes) I need to make a confession!
WIFE: What?
HUSBAND: When you aren't at home, I and your maid use to have s e x in my room.
WIFE: (Feeling angry but immediately realising this is futile) I forgive you.
WIFE: I too have a confession to make. Promise to forgive as I have.
HUSBAND: OK
WIFE: The children aren't yours. They are the Gateman's.
Immediately after, the Gateman came in.
GATEMAN: Oga. The man who hit the dog with his car is outside. He says he wants to apologise for killing the dog.

In a Sunday school class one Sunday morning, after a very interesting topic, the teacher asked if there was Any question? Akpos raised up his hand looking very confused.
AUNTY: What is your question Akpos?
AKPOS: Aunty, you said the children of Israel escaped from Egypt?
AUNTY: Yes.
AKPOS: The children of Israel also crossed the red sea?
AUNTY: Good.
AKPOS: The children of Israel also sinned against God?
AUNTY: Yea!
AKPOS: The children of Israel pulled down the mighty wall of Jericho?
AUNTY: What exactly is your question Akpos?
AKPOS : Aunty, when the children of Israel were doing all these, where were the Adults of Israel?

EMEKA: You are a fool Akpos! You don't know anything! AKPOS: Hahan Emeka! It's a lie! EMEKA: It's true! I will prove it. If you see two rays of light on the road at night, what will you call it? AKPOS: A car! EMEKA: Ehen, but which kind of car? A Benz, A Peugeot or A Lexus? AKPOS: I don't know that one oh! EMEKA: You see! Anyway, second proof. If you see a ray of light on the road at night, what will you call it? AKPOS: An okada (motorbike)! EMEKA: Ehen! Which one? A Suzuki, A Yamaha or A Kawasaki? AKPOS: Hahan! How I'm I suppose to know? EMEKA: You see! I've shown you that you are a fool. AKPOS: Na wa o! This your question self. Let me ask you my own question. If you see a woman on the roadside with miniskirt, big breast, red lips and a big ass, what will you call her? EMEKA: A prostitute! AKPOS: Ehen, but which one? Your mother, your sister or your daughter?

Two friends smoked weed... One went behind a tree, removed all his clothes and came back to his friend naked! He stood in front of his friend and asked, "How do I look in my new suit?" The friend looked at him, smiled, took another puff and said, "You look so amazing in the suit but you put your tie below the waist instead of putting it on the neck!

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, "This is disappointing! It only lasted for 30 seconds!" "Good!" replied his wife, "Now you know how I always feel on bed."