hello goood people of naija,i am in a situation and it goes like this,maria was my very first love,we started started right from our secondary school days,infact we started going when we were both in ssi,we went everywhere togther,hardly a day passed without us seeing each other,we were so close,we finished secondary school together,though we both attended different higher insitutions,our love still waxed stronger,she attended UI while i attended unilag.
Somewhere along the line i got an opportunity to travel to spain and when i discussed this with her she wasnt so interested but all the same i traveled out with the sole dream of making life better for both of us
Well you know in life,there is always a kleg somewhere,when i got to europe things were so bad for me being iilegal and all.along the line i met a girl who took interest in me and got me a job and also showed me how to file in for my papers which i got but the snag was that this girl wanted to go out with me even after telling her i had someone serious back home,one thing led to another and we slept together and she got pregrant for me.
To cut a long story short we are now married with a child but problem is that the marriage is not working because i have never loved her and she knows this,my heart still belongs to maria who by the way rejected many suitors because of me in nigeria now she is 35 and she is blaming me for everything,i still love her and want to be with her i know it has not been easy for maria ,her brother called me one day and spoke harsh words to me
NOW i am so confused i dont know what to do,my wife crys everyday that i dont love her and it is true,i dont,pls someone help me out

would like to know,
what is the brother/Maria blaming you for?
did you ask Maria to wait for you/never get married?
didn't she get a life of her own for the last +10yrs?
did you left Nigeria to attend school (student visa/scholarship) or to be an illegal?

getting someone pregnant is not a reason to marry them but i am sure it helped your illegal situation at the time. if you don't love your wife then you should divorce her now that you are no more illegal.
there is no need for you to waste any time with someone you don't care about but the most important is your child. i suggest you send for Maria to come and join you in Europe(when the divorce is finalize), marry her and live happily ever after with your sweetheart.

Let us have a re-scenario.
You were dating Maria all along while you were in Nigeria and the love was hot and all that.
You left Nigeria and you told maria, not to worry, that she be the koko.
In Spain, you need to get papers, and you use the babe in spain to get your papers and no love attached,
Now you have your papers and you wanna reconcile with maria, but brother Maria wanna spoil shows.

here is the deal, tell brother maria to understand that a brother gotta do what he gotta do, however, you owe it to the other woman in spain, cos you have used her and dumping her ought to come with a price, cos i am so sure you never told her that you dont love her when you were receiving all her assistance, and the booty.
i hate when people uses people, not fair at all, however, the deed has been done, so make it up with Maria but make sure you allow Ms Spain to forgive you, cos you owe her that much.

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tpia maybe something is missing as always. was he communicating with maria all the while? if so i guess maria has been waiting for him.

this story pain me o. he pain because maria is now 35 the age where naija men no dey marry person e pain me say your marriage is not working because there is no love.

there is a child in the marriage already. work on it, if not amicably divorce her. e pain say the woman is crying that you don't love her. can you work on that love? if she loves you, why not you?

well, the story just dey pain me

.

Mr man work on your marriage forget maria let her look for her husband you are someone husband ,
is your Spanish wife a Nigeria ? if yes you have a big problem .

This is very sad especially when maria is 35 yrs old now and still waiting for u , this paper sef dey put people for trouble.
i will advice u to try and work on ur marriage with ur wife in spain before thinking of divorce to be with someone u havent seen in years,whom might have changed in various ways,

were u keeping contact with maria while u are with ur wife in spain and telling her to wait for u? if so its very bad ,people should learn never to tell anyone to wait for them when travelling abroad,there are alot of disappointment while waiting for someone.

but in the other hand,if their is no love in a marriage is like living in hell,try to make amend first and work on ur marriage and see if it will work out but if nothing workouts its better to divorce if that will make u happy but dont forget ur child comes first, is ur wife in spain a Nigerian or spanish?

Angolobabe:

This is very sad especially when maria is 35 yrs old now and still waiting for u , this paper sef dey put people for trouble.
i will advice u to try and work on ur marriage with ur wife in spain before thinking of divorce to be with someone u havent seen in years,whom might have changed in various ways,

were u keeping contact with maria while u are with ur wife in spain and telling her to wait for u? if so its very bad ,people should learn never to tell anyone to wait for them when travelling abroad,there are alot of disappointment while waiting for someone.

but in the other hand,if their is no love in a marriage is like living in hell,try to make amend first and work on ur marriage and see if it will work out but if nothing workouts its better to divorce if that will make u happy but dont forget ur child comes first, is ur wife in spain a Nigerian or spanish?

Paper never put anyone in trouble, pple put themselves in trouble, it is not everyone that will have to travel out of Nigeria, so breaking hearts in the name of paper is a useless excuses, besides, must you marry someone u cant/dont love when in foreign land for papers, whatever happens to "if she is good enuf to be Fukced, make sure she is good enuf to be married" with that rule, you will be sure that yuo are falling in love with what you want.

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tpia:

I dont see not being in love as a good enough reason to divorce your partner. Especially when the partner says they love you.
feelings are notoriously fickle. Not to mention a cop out.

so are you suggesting that the poster should stay with his wife even though he has absolutely no love for her?!, read his post again, he didnt say a single word about loving his wife, its all how she wanted him, she helped him and she loved him. she cried and say that he doesn't love her "which he confessed on being the truth"
this guy is nothing but a man who found a way to get his papers to stay legally in Spain (something many brothas do) and now that he probably has a permanent legal status, he doesn't need wifey any longer!!!!
if he had said that he loved her before but not anymore it would be a different case but we see where his loyalty lies, he is still crazy madly in love with Maria, after so many yrs. let him go for Maria, we will all sit and watch how he will go from one disaster to another(to most fools, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence).
i blame wifey!

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tpia:

  . . . He hasnt seen Maria in years- does he think she'll look exactly the same way she did when they were teenagers. And vice versa. . .

Angolobabe:

. . . i will advice u to try and work on ur marriage with ur wife in spain before thinking of divorce to be with someone u havent seen in years,whom might have changed in various ways. . .

My sentiment too, don't know why people are always making "the devil you know" moves Who knows really if it is because Maria has an attitude problem that she is still single

Or how could Maria be so needy and clingy enough to wait for you for ten years to the extent that her brother has to call you to chastise you and force you to come and marry his sister and relieve her of her spinsterhood, na wa o

Really sad

tpia:

is every single marriage in this world based on love?
There are people who never set eyes on each other before the wedding, who still go on to have happy and fulfilling marriages.

i can't be judging people in that situation but i would compare it by saying ,  playing russian roulette doesnt always end in death.
the people who accept to marry total strangers stick to the marriage because of religion/faith and not LOVE which should be the ONLY reason to marry someone(in my book). attraction is very important also and if you are turned off by his look, then there is a serious problem(in my book) especiallyif you have to spend the rest of your life with a "gorilla looking type" of man.
I could say that very few women are attracted or in love with the men they marry in "that" situation. the ones that do, end up having a wonderful marriage, the ones that doesn't, do with what they have and pretend to have a wonderful marriage in the name of faith/religion.
which one is better?! who am i to judge others choices, to each their own.

Busy_body:

My sentiment too, don't know why people are always making "the devil you know" moves Who knows really if it is because Maria has an attitude problem that she is still single
Or how could Maria be so needy and clingy enough to wait for you for ten years to the extent that her brother has to call you to chastise you and force you to come and marry his sister and relieve her of her spinsterhood, na wa o
Really sad  

This is possibly Maria's ticket out of the slums of 9ja and to a better life.  if a man can marry in Europe just to get legal status to stay then i don't see why there should be a problem if Maria uses him to get a better life for herself.
obviously maria isn't married and sounds like she could use his help.
it's nothing new and has been done all over the world for years: man goes abroad, marry/have children with local woman that he doesn't love. when gets his legal status, divorce and goes back home to get his sweetheart to marry and follow him in "eldorado land". this guy has just been lazying about because +10years is a long time to wait. big up to maria for "waiting".

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Treetop20:

this maria of yours isn't helping matters
why didn't she marry herself when you got married?
or did you tell her to wait?

I can bet you anything that the sweet word of Mr Spanish made her to wait, since the guy keep contacting her and giving her false hope, tell her not to worry, that he only marry for the papers, what else do you thnk the lady would do, u bet, she will wait.

tpia:

what about the person being "used" in all of this? Does she count or is she simply a donkey supposed to ferry others to a better life while her own life and feelings are inconsequential?
If a man needs papers, why cant he enter a contractual marriage and pay the other party cash, instead of using and dumping women as if karma can never catch up with him?

the person being "used" got what she asked for, if a man tells her that he has no feeling for her, but yet, she still wants to go ahead with a relationship/marriage/pregnancy with him then she only has her sorry donkey ass to blame.
i am sure the warning signs were in full alert but she might have chosen to "give it a go",  the poster has "paid her" with +10yrs of marriage and a semblant of happiness. she should count herself one of the lucky few, some women in her situation get divorce papers a week after the guys gets their permanent residency.
let's not forget that this marriage for sale market is nothing new, it's very easy to find women all over the civilized world willing to marry a man for money to help him gain favorable status. so as in any business deal, some people want to get the goods for as cheap as possible,  having a child instead of paying a high sum of money might be viewed as a great deal to some!!!!!

tpia:

feelings are fickle. Quite a number of divorced couples started out madly in love. Love alone doesnt sustain a marriage. Attraction is important but it can wane regardless how handsome or beautiful the other party is. You have to see the person everyday nah- after a while you get used to the appearance jo. Thats the time people start complaining about other things besides appearance.

of course not, what i meant was toward the case of arranged marriages, you need more than love to marry someone but the foundation is love then comes respect, trust, honesty AND compatibility (in my book) all the rest are optional.
i am very sorry but it doesn't matter how nice a gorilla looking gal would be towards me, she would always be a gorilla , yes, maybe a sweet and caring gorilla BUT STILL A GORILLA.I will never be  able to pass her appearance as if it wasn't there, call me shallow but there has to be some physical attraction. Great boobs/ass can be bought so shouldn't enter this equation. beauty can't be bought, you either have it or you don't!

as for Maria, we don't really know her situation that well, POSTER GET BACK TO US ON THAT, but i doubt she stayed home like a good girl for +10yrs waiting for this guy, i wouldn't be surprise if she has kids of her own, i don't buy the story about the suitors rejected by maria and her "saving" herself for him,  watch this space for updates on how Maria played poster all along.

Treetop20:

mrbrown
you simply cannot sit here and accuse his wife now for asking for it!
you haven't got any idea why she got pregnant to begin with
the poster may have encouraged her at some point. we all know
how everyone tries to act like a victim in some situations to suit
them better so that everyone can feel sorry for them. the poster cocked-up
and he shouldn't have shagged(bare back)a woman he doesn't love and doesn't plan on
staying with in the long term knowing that she could get pregnant which will complicate matters

the wifey's stupidity for not seeing this man as he is, is her fault. the poster did what he had to do to survive over there,  i wouldn't dare to say that what he did was right but he cant be blamed for HER actions. Nobody forced her to have anything with that man, she might have been desperate, lonely, vulnerable. . . . who cares?! she is to blame for HER actions and poster is to be blamed for HIS.
if a woman is dumb enough to have unprotected sex with a man that she has no desire to bare a child for, a man that tells her he doesn't love her, then she has only herself to blame if she gets pregnant. this man probably was looking to get her pregnant for his own selfish agenda.
in my life i have been offered drugs many times, i have yet to taste any.  you can always say NO to ANYTHING!

This may sound cruel but Maria is extremely dumb 4 waiting on u. u've got no kids wit her n she needs 2 move on wit life, n start a family. u better take care of ur wife n kids if the marriage isn't working get a divorce. if maria is already 35 that means u r already in ur late 30's also, IT WAS NOT UR FAULT, U DID WAT U HAD 2 DO 2 SURVIVE.

Sorry Mr. Brown, for this, sometime people making the same kind of mistake and trying to find a solution, i can't say u are late, or hopeless, still u have the change to continue persuing, but one thing i have to say, YOU DOESN'T LOVED HER, because, the real love as i get never change forever. As i ransack your story i fund out that, problems is not from Maria and Your new lovely girl friend or your wife you said you doesn't love, the problem is from You why do you allowed her to inter into gratest life? if i am in your shoe, i can't blame any one rather then I, U made a mistake i said millions of time, i say sorry.
u have to be back again may if she really loved u she can easy forget, if since your relationship is deeply considered.

POSTER

Sorry i cant help, your tori get triple K-leg!

Chai.

Some women are mumu sha. So one woman will wait for a man for 10 years? A man that is "overseas" for that matter? Not like he's in prison or anything. Wait till she's 35? Na wa!

Arent you pipu tired of paying these kinda Hints-Inspired posts audience

mousty:

Sorry Mr. Brown, for this, sometime people making the same kind of mistake and trying to find a solution, i can't say u are late, or hopeless, still u have the change to continue persuing, but one thing i have to say, YOU DOESN'T LOVED HER, because, the real love as i get never change forever. As i ransack your story i fund out that, problems is not from Maria and Your new lovely girl friend or your wife you said you doesn't love, the problem is from You why do you allowed her to inter into gratest life? if i am in your shoe, i can't blame any one rather then I, U made a mistake i said millions of time, i say sorry.
u have to be back again may if she really loved u she can easy forget, if since your relationship is deeply considered.

sorry i don't speak your language, do you speak english?!

i want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your frank responses,it shows nigerians really care.
I have done some very deep soul searching over this matter since 3 days ago nd i have come to the following conclusions.
1.I have realised and accepted the bitter truth that the problem lies with me and not with maria or my wife.
2.I have decided to forget about maria no matter how painfull it is to me and concertrate on my marriage,who knows with time i may come to love my wife and also my son is there to consider.
yesterday i called up maria and held a deep conversation with her and i have pleaded with her to forget about me and get on with her life,i belive one day she will meet the man that deserves her and will give her happiness,this is my greatest prayer for her.
I have also decided to send her to send her a hefty sum of money not to buy away the hurt or anything like that,nothing on earth can ever buy what we had,but just to appease her and make life a little more comfortable for her,i feel so guilty over her.
In all these i have come to realise one lesson in life,we must stand and withstand whatever storms life brings our way
to make us break who we are and what we belive in.i should have stood for maria when i got to europe no matter what i was going through,i have no excuses.
Truth is i lost maria the day i got on that flight out of nigeria.
Sometimes you have to let go of the past so as to live in the present

Haba irano take it easy on the poster,at least he has been honest enough to do the right thing,many people i know are not that honest with theirselves.
Collins i must commend for the steps you have chosen to take,dont mind the likes of irano who behave like hoiler than thou.
Having said that are you even sure that maria waited for you all those years without sleeping with a man?listen most women can be very deceptive at times,i am very sure she too has not been faithfull,no be naija babe!i sabi dem wellwell.abeg face your marriage with your wife .

Go back to Maria if she still loves you the same way jare. Afterall the so-called wife knew you had someone before. As you have both made your beds, so should you both lie on the beds. Leave the woman who did not think about the feelings of the woman waiting for you at home!

1. Your wife used you because she knew you were vulnerable and needed papers.
2. You used your wife because you needed papers
3. Maria might be a good girl but she is naive in thinking that you will not change after all the years.

Pray for wisdom to handle the situation but I will honestly advise you to leave the woman you dont love and move your life elsewhere.

marry maria as a second wife