A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is
standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look
at herself.

"You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an
old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above
my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and
my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive
to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well,  there's
nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years
and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with
a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him whether
the pig is a male or female.

The farmer says, "Female, of course. What the hell do you think
I am, some kind of queer?"

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"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the
overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three
hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill
them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."