I will be updating this thread with very hilarious jokes....enjoy!!

Nigerians don't ever rest. Even
after death, they still work as
ancestors, collecting kolanuts,
white fowl and aromatic
Schnapps.
2. In Hollywood, you feel
people's pulse to know whether
they're dead or alive. In
Nollywood, just
pick the hand and drop it.
3. If You Marry A Girl That Can't
Cook, Bros Your Case Dey
"MR BIGGS"
4. When next you check your
boyfriend's texts. Ignore his
chats
with girls, and check the ones
with guys. That's where the
truth is
5. No matter how expensive
your Wrist watch is, as long as it
won't tell you Christ's Second
coming, its as Useless as the
"p"in Psycho
6. If you have attended over 100
weddings and you are still
single. Sister, you are no longer
different from a canopy.
7. You don't have to be in UK to
be OK, Help comes from
Above not Abroad.
8. Ladies are wicked. They will
lay on your chest and ask,
"Honey have you ever cheated
on me?" ...then wait for your
heart to beat fast. .
9. A cockroach is afraid of a rat,
a rat is afraid of a cat, cat is
afraid of a dog, a dog is afraid
of a man, a man is afraid of his
girlfriend, a girlfriend is afraid of
a cockroach. That's life
10. LAST SEEN: Whatsapp- 1Min
ago .BBM - 5Mins ago,
Twitter- 2Mins ago . QUR'AN/BIBLE -
2002. My dear, the Devil has
soaked your cane in
kerosene
11. BBM and Whatsapp have
been rated as the 2nd and 3rd
app for chats and gossip, but
Women Still retain the 1st
position
12. Wedding ring is the smallest
handcuff ever made. So think
deep, choose ur prison mate
carefully & sentence urself
wiselyto avoidPrison break
13. To those who commit
suicide; why are you So selfish?
Why kill yourself when so many
people are looking for who to
use for money rituals?
14. As a matter of fact, there's
no female angel in the Bible/ Qur'an
So if any guy calls you an angel,
na wash ooooo.
15. And if after reading this u
refuse to comment , devil dey
dance shakiti bobo for your
head....!!!

This man was driving very carefully and with seat belt and everything...

Police: hey park here, common pack here, u dey madt?

Man: sorry sir.

Police: show me all ur car papers.

The man showed him everything he asked for...

Police: do u knw u r a fool? I can easily take u to our office because u suppose to drive straight and u want to corner, u r very stupid.

Man: but sir...

Police: common shut up (he gav him a dirty slap) you dont interrupt while a police officer is talking.

Man: what hav i done to deserve this slap?
Police: u dey crase i wil giv u another one now idiot. Look here mr man, if u knw what is good for u, bring N300,000 or u follow me to our office, and u knw how it will be if we go there. Ur name na John Otoba abi? Frm ur papers, mumu to show say na fake name u dey use.

Man: officer, take.

Police: i no want ur papers again, since u dey form say u get all ur papers, make u go station abeg.

Second Police: oga no be papers him dey show u oo, na him id card him dey show u.

Police: which stupid id card, my friend make we go....

..............................................................
IDENTITY CARD

FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
Name: Serg. John Otoba
Agency: SPC NIGERIAN ARMY
Rank: 26 (very high rank)
Sex: Male
Joined: 6th, Feb 2002

Issued Date: 09/2002
............................................................

Dude complete the story o.

The part where the soldier calls for backup and give that Blackman 777 lashes.

Crieff:
Dude complete the story o.

The part where the soldier calls for backup and give that Blackman 777 lashes.

lols

I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *walks away*

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eJkNpNOxeg

Barrister Akpors who’s gone to the village for Xmas celebration went hunting in a nearby village.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As Barrister Akpors climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.

He responded,

“I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I’m going in to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied,

“This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

Arrogant Akpors said,

“I am one of the best trial attorneys in this country, and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything!”

The old farmer smiled and said,

“Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule.”

Barrister Akpors asked,

“What is the three-Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied,

“Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

Barrister Akpors quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old farmer.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly walked up to him.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into Akpor’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped Akpors’ nose off his face.

Barrister Akpors was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

He eventually summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,

“Okay, you old farmer, now it’s my turn.”

The farmer smiled and said,

“Now, I give up. You can have the duck.”


Moral: No matter how well educated you are, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!

Teacher: Behind every successful man there is a woman. Class what do we learn from this?

Akpos: We should stop wasting time in studies and find that WOMAN.

Akpos, Musa and Rukewe were lost in a forest and captured by cannibals. The king of d cannibals told them they had a chance to live if only they could pass a test.The 1st step was to go deep into d forest & get 10 pieces of thesame kind of fruits.
The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits. Rukewe came back and said to the king,
“I brought 10 apples”, the king explained the trial to him, ‘you have to snif the fruits up into your butt without any expression on your face or you will be killed. The 1st apple went in, but on the 2nd one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
Akpos the smart guy arrived and showed the king ten (10) berries. When d king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy,
1,2,3,4 ,5,6,7,8 & on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.
Rukewe & Akpos met in heaven. The rukewe asked, “why did you laugh?”, you almost got away with the trial”, Akpos replied,”I couldn’t help it, I saw the Oga Musa coming with pineapples

Akpos got to School late on Monday Morning and his teacher asked; Teacher: Why did u come late to skool?.
Akpos: One man lost 1000 naira note at the Bus Stop.
Teacher: ohhh…I see..were you helping him to look for the money?. Akpos: No!!.. I DEY CRAZE…Na me stand on top d money since!

Akpos knocked on the gate of a brothel in a red light district. The madam opened the brothel door to see a young man called Akpos. His clothes were all tattered and he looked needy.??

can I help you?” the madam asked.??
I want Onome,” Akpos replied.??
Young Man, Onome is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…”??
No, I must see Onome.” Akpos replied. Just then Onome appeared and announced to Akpos that she charges N50,000 per visit.??
Akpos never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her fifty pieces of N1,000 notes. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon Akpos calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Onome.
Onome explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. it was still N50,000. Again Akpos took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later
When Akpos showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Onome the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Onome questioned Akpos: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row… where are you from?”??
Akpos replied, “I am from Warri.” “Really?” replied Onome, “I have a brother who lives there and does business.”??
Yes; I know,” Akpos replied. “He gave me N150,000 to give to you.

Akpos walks into a barber shop,and asked,”can I get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” Akpos left. A few days later Akpos stuck his head in the door again and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut, The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” Akpos left.

A week later akpos came into the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour only.” The akpos left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey,Kufure, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but then he doesn’t ever come back. ”

A little while later, he returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

Kufure looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
“To your wife.”

Akpos was in the back of his Hummer jeap on his way home when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?”he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,”the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and seven children…”
“Bring them along!” Akpos said.
They all climbed into the Hummer. As they were going, the poor fellow said: “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
Akpos replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over 4 feet tall it will be enough for all of your family members

Teacher: Whoever answer my next question correctly can go home.

Upon hearing this, Akpos threw his bag outside through the window.

Teacher: Who threw the bag?

Akpos: Me, can I go home now?

Ekaitte (akpor’s wife) goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

… Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

Ekaittes : ‘Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?’

Akpors: laughs and says: ‘An Italian girl!!!’
The wife kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: ‘So, honey, how was the trip?’
‘Very good, thank you.’ ‘And, what happened to my present?’

‘Which present?’ She asked.
‘The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!’
‘Oh, that’ she said ‘Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it
is a girl !!!’

Lolsss

Funny

Ladyo142:
Funny

oh really? Thanks